I need help with my marriage

[Sum]

Hi my name is sum. I have been married for 35 years. My husband and I have a difference in opinion about having friends of the opposite gender. It started about 3 years ago my husband has found another woman to chat with he said she's just a friend someone that will listen to him. He says he talks to me but I get upset about some things. Then we end up in an argument. It upsets me that he wants to talk to a girl or another woman I told him I wouldn't be upset if it was a guy but he says he can't talk to guys. I love my husband I don't want to get a divorce but he says I can't accept him and that my love is conditional is there anyone out there that can help me? Give me some advice.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Welcome to CC. This forum isn't for marriage advice. Your OP is much more appropriate for the Family forum. I will ask a mod to move it there for you.

 

[tourist]

True love is unconditional. Personally, I don't feel that it is appropriate for a married man to confide in a woman that is not his spouse. While it may still be innocent it can lead to temptation and it is causing a rift between you two. The both of you need to have a serious conversation to determine why it is that your husband feels the need to chat with this woman instead of you. Of course, prayer will be required to resolve this. It certainly does not appear to be a cause of divorce. Welcome to CC.

 

[blue_ladybug]

You need to ask the great Counselor for advice. Not a public forum full of people who will give you conflicting advice..

 

[lv2ski]

Hi my name is sum. I have been married for 35 years. My husband and I have a difference in opinion about having friends of the opposite gender. It started about 3 years ago my husband has found another woman to chat with he said she's just a friend someone that will listen to him. He says he talks to me but I get upset about some things. Then we end up in an argument. It upsets me that he wants to talk to a girl or another woman I told him I wouldn't be upset if it was a guy but he says he can't talk to guys. I love my husband I don't want to get a divorce but he says I can't accept him and that my love is conditional is there anyone out there that can help me? Give me some advice.

Abstain from all appearance of evil.
1 Thessalonians 5:22 KJV
http://bible.com/1/1th.5.22.KJV

He's clearly in the wrong. In Genesis he is commanded to cleave only unto you.

Having said that, how are you doing with your part?

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.
1Pe 3:1*-‬6 NKJV
http://bible.com/114/1pe.3.1-6.NKJV

You haven't been married too long for just simple obedience have you? As a man, I can tell you that we want nothing more than a faithful woman by our side, a true companion and someone who believes in us. Nothing tears that down like disrespect. Why don't you try listening to what he has told you. Then maybe, after you repent, get your Pastor involved. Don't let this fester. You need to take a strong stand with him on this, but make it right on your end too.

Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Eph 5:33 NKJV
http://bible.com/114/eph.5.33.NKJV

You will get nowhere with him without respect.

 

[resurrection33]

Hi my name is sum. I have been married for 35 years. My husband and I have a difference in opinion about having friends of the opposite gender. It started about 3 years ago my husband has found another woman to chat with he said she's just a friend someone that will listen to him. He says he talks to me but I get upset about some things. Then we end up in an argument. It upsets me that he wants to talk to a girl or another woman I told him I wouldn't be upset if it was a guy but he says he can't talk to guys. I love my husband I don't want to get a divorce but he says I can't accept him and that my love is conditional is there anyone out there that can help me? Give me some advice.

I don't claim to be an expert in these matters, and one wouldn't want to be overly possessive. Still, one wedding vow I've heard states that you will "keep to no other," meaning you won't "attach" yourself to another person of the opposite sex. And what is ridiculous is his claim he can't talk to guys. I think you are right to be concerned.

 

[lv2ski]

I agree. If he was plugged into church properly, he'd already have the right kind of associations. Male that is. Titus 2, older men are to lead younger men and older women lead younger women. I think it goes without saying, counsel as well.

 

[AuntieAnt]

Hi Sum, Welcome to the CC site.

I advise you to seek professional counseling ASAP and speak with someone who can offer you wise counsel. You will find plenty of awesome folks on this site who can encourage, pray for and be a friend to you. But you won't find one member here who is qualified enough to counsel you. Your life & marriage is too precious to leave to public opinion. I hope you find a wonderful counselor soon.

God bless you, Sum!

 

[lv2ski]

Hi Sum, Welcome to the CC site.

I advise you to seek professional counseling ASAP and speak with someone who can offer you wise counsel. You will find plenty of awesome folks on this site who can encourage, pray for and be a friend to you. But you won't find one member here who is qualified enough to counsel you. Your life & marriage is too precious to leave to public opinion. I hope you find a wonderful counselor soon.

God bless you, Sum!

Thanks for bringing the contention cookies AuntieAnt. You're so consistent.

 

[resurrection33]

Hi Sum, Welcome to the CC site.

I advise you to seek professional counseling ASAP and speak with someone who can offer you wise counsel. You will find plenty of awesome folks on this site who can encourage, pray for and be a friend to you. But you won't find one member here who is qualified enough to counsel you. Your life & marriage is too precious to leave to public opinion. I hope you find a wonderful counselor soon.

God bless you, Sum!

I would agree that professional counselors know a lot of things and can be very helpful. However, if the professional counselor doesn't obey the Lord's commandments, his, or her, advice isn't of much value, I don't think.

 

[lv2ski]

I would agree that professional counselors know a lot of things and can be very helpful. However, if the professional counselor doesn't obey the Lord's commandments, his, or her, advice isn't of much value, I don't think.

Exactly. In Scripture we are told to encourage each other with the word and stir each other up to good works. Never outside of God's Word.

Many believers have been messed up royal with professional counseling.

 

[santuzza]

I think the two of you need to talk to your pastor.

 

[Fenner]

Sum I hope you follow Auntie Ant advice. Welcome to CC!

 

[Hungry]

Well Sum, I don't know if you are reading any of this but I can tell you that pretty much every girl who wanted to be my "friend" attempted to seduce me whether I was married (or had a girlfriend) or not. It almost seems as though they were more attracted to me if I was with someone. It's kind of like they liked the competition. They make you feel special, something that most women don't keep up once you have been together awhile. Once all of the mystery is gone in the relationship and you see that Prince Charming is flawed most women treat their boyfriends or husbands disrespectfully and no longer special. Obviously he is enjoying the attention he is getting from her. Sometimes it's not even how fantastic the woman is, just the feeling of being desired and valued is attractive. I'm not saying he should subject himself to this temptation, in fact I think it's just stupid. I make sure not to be flirty with any women because I'm well aware of the destruction it can bring to a family. Since your husband isn't as wise, this leaves you to make a choice, are you going to get angry and treat him like crap, driving him into the arms of his friend for ego support? Or, will you fight for your man, and remind him why the last 35 years were time well spent?

 

[AuntieAnt]

Thanks for bringing the contention cookies AuntieAnt. You're so consistent.

Actually, you're the one being contentious. Not only are you finding fault with me, but without knowing any of the intimate details of this dear sister's marriage situation, you preach a tirade regarding her obedience.

It's fanatical unloving posts like yours that I hope our sister Sum steers clear of.

I'm now placing you on ignore with the other religious extremists on my list.

 

[Tintin]

Exactly. In Scripture we are told to encourage each other with the word and stir each other up to good works. Never outside of God's Word.

Many believers have been messed up royal with professional counseling.

But that applies to just about anything, doesn't it? There's rubbish professional counselling and quality professional counselling. Obviously, if you require counselling you should do your research and look for a quality Christian counsellor. They can make all the difference. Please don't dissuade people from getting the counselling they need. That's not helping anyone.

 

[lv2ski]

Actually, you're the one being contentious. Not only are you finding fault with me, but without knowing any of the intimate details of this dear sister's marriage situation, you preach a tirade regarding her obedience.

It's fanatical unloving posts like yours that I hope our sister Sum steers clear of.

I'm now placing you on ignore with the other religious extremists on my list.

And there she goes

 

[lv2ski]

But that applies to just about anything, doesn't it? There's rubbish professional counselling and quality professional counselling. Obviously, if you require counselling you should do your research and look for a quality Christian counsellor. They can make all the difference. Please don't dissuade people from getting the counselling they need. That's not helping anyone.

Christian counselor, fine. But are they christian first? Typically no. And why go to the expense and long Lejeune lengthy "prescription of sessions when you can just examine your life in the mirror of the word? Find a godly mature couple, a home fellowship or pastor. That's what the body is for. Sign up for love and respect or something. Keep it simple 5.
That's not dissuading from counsel.

This is a Christian site and I'm shocked by the disregard for the simple basic scripture. You can't improve on it.

 

[MessageOfTheCross]

Peter tells wives not to use their tongues to turn disobedient husbands around, but rather to use reverence (1 Peter 3:1-2). When a man’s wife gives him respect, he is more likely to return that respect with the love and security she seeks.

Sarah called Abraham “lord,” recognizing his position as head of the home and as a demonstration of sincere respect (1 Peter 3:6). That pleased Abraham, but more important, it pleased God. In fact, God honored Sarah so much that He gave her a child when she was ninety! And He will honor your submission as well. Many men don’t receive respect at their jobs or in the world, where they’re looked at as inferior no matter what their age. There needs to be a place where they know they are respected. That place, in God’s wise plan, should be the home.

- Pastor Tony Evans

 

[Tintin]

Christian counselor, fine. But are they christian first? Typically no. And why go to the expense and long Lejeune lengthy "prescription of sessions when you can just examine your life in the mirror of the word? Find a godly mature couple, a home fellowship or pastor. That's what the body is for. Sign up for love and respect or something. Keep it simple 5.
That's not dissuading from counsel.

This is a Christian site and I'm shocked by the disregard for the simple basic scripture. You can't improve on it.

I'm not disregarding Scripture. Quality Christian counselling should be an additional approach to what the Bible explicitly mentions, not the main thing. Also, I don't know where you live, but I live in Australia and it's not as Christian as it used to be, that's for sure. And yet, I've had no trouble finding a few quality Christian counsellors just within a short driving distance of me. Did they break out the Bible and do a word study or something? No, but they brought their Christian worldview into their practice and looked at issues etc. from a biblical perspective and we sometimes discussed helpful verses, favourite books of the Bible and relevant Christian authors. We even prayed at the beginning and at the end of the sessions (at my request) and they were totally cool with that and seemed appreciative. It's easy if you do your research. Finding a quality Christian counsellor that is a good match for you is more difficult, though.

By the way, it works both ways. I've heard of real horror stories where pastors have counselled married couples. It's not the pastor that's the problem. The problem is finding a good pastor who can speak life into your marriage and isn't just a Yes man trying to get you both to 'make nice'. Just a thought.