Question!

[lil-rush]

If I could give myself rep points for this post I would. I've been admiring it for a while - I think its my best post ever.

you crack me up, although I'm not sure if you were trying to be funny or not.

Anyhoo, I tend to agree with you that while in relationships, opposite-gender friendships shouldn't be the norm. Instead, I believe they should be the exception. I have two brothers (one older, and one younger), and when I get in a relationship or get married I'm not going to stop talking to them just because I'm married. Likewise, if I have a guy friend who is like a brother to me, I'm not going to stop talking to him just because I am no longer single. Since we aren't related, I would be careful to not hang out with the guy alone, but I don't think it is necessary to break off the relationship.

When people are in relationships, they can also tend toward befriending their significant other's friends as well, since they're all hanging out together.

I don't think a person should be required to end long-standing friendships just because that person enters into a relationship. I do think the friendship may have to change to accommodate for the relationship, and I do agree with you that the emotional needs of a person should be met by their significant other, and not by an opposite-gender friend.

I have a friend whose boyfriend has a girl friend he confides in alot. The girl is also friends with my friend, though, so she tends to tell my friend what she and the boyfriend have talked about. When my friend finds out that her boyfriend is confiding in the girl instead of in her she gets really frustrated and asks questions like "Why does he always tell her so much stuff?" or "why doesn't he just talk to me about this?"

 

[Mands]

I agree with a little of everything that was said. To some extent. The thing I am cautious about though is turning your back on friends that have been there thru thick and thin just because you are now no longer single. Friendship has a deeper meaning than that, and I find it hard to see it as "OK" to just dismiss the good friends you have just because someone came along and you are starting a relationship. I agree being careful and considerate of your partners feelings is without a doubt a MUST. Communication and undersatnding is needed as well as a mature look at the whole situation -- but I think it's wrong to say that we should have no friends of the opposite sex. Honestly, the person you're with should be able to be man enough (or woman) to accept that they aren't the only person in the universe. I think relying on ONE person alone to get all that you need from life is foolish -- because there is NO guarentee that the relationship will last. So what if you turn your back on your good friends, but then, months or years down the road, the relationship falls apart. Now you're alone? Now you've lost some of the very supportive and encouraging people God blessed you with? I don't think that makes all that much sense. But that's my personal view point. I think we, as young women, need to be very careful how we interact and spend time with our guy friends, but I don't think it's right that the guy that comes along and wants more than a friendship with us can tell us to lose the friends we've had since kindergarten or high school. Some of my guy friends are lifelong -- I wouldn't give them up to please someone else. I think that's selfish in a lot of ways. I think the guy I'm with needs to be comfortable with how I'm acting and behaving, and I would take measuers to ensure he was -- but to be a dictator and tell me who and what and where is a little over the top and it would make me feel like he doesn't trust me. Wrapping your whole life up in one person is very risky -- there is no telling when that person will go... And a lot of the times, they do go. I think it's good to be friends with people - of both sexes. I think we over analyze this whole thing. I think we need to be sure to keep our partners feelings and needs in mind and not do anything to hurt or lose their trust, but I also think they need to be understanding that there is more to your life then them.

 

[Mands]

P.S -- that was all about a DATING relationship. Once that changes to marriage, then the whole game plan changes. You know that person is going to stay (god willing) and then, I think it's safer to invest much more in them. But while you're just dating and nothing is concrete yet, I think it's wise to play it smart. Make sure the person you're with is comfortable and make changes that need to be made (because going from single to being "taken" should initiate some changes) but don't completely block out the guy friends that you've known for years and years. Bring them along in a group with your boyfriend. Just be smart about it -- don't wrap your world up in one person.

 

[Jennifleur]

I think it's something to be careful about. I don't think there's something wrong with being friendly with people of the opposite gender while you are dating. But, are you spending a lot of time alone with these friends, without your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife present? If so, it could give people the wrong idea, even if nothing is going on. Many pastors will not meet with a woman with their office door closed, unless another woman is present with them, just to avoid anyone getting the wrong idea. Also, I think it comes down to a matter of respect. A couple whom I am friends with, every time the husband sends out an email to a someone or a group of contacts that includes a women or several women, he also makes sure to forward a copy of the email to his wife. She doesn't ask him to do it, or require him to do it, he does it out of respect for his wife. There are many guys that I consider friends, but I do not hang out alone with them. Most of the guys I know are either married, or single (not dating anyone either). For those that are married, I am friends with their wives, and by association I consider them friends as well. But I do not email them or call them, even the single guys I know (unless there's something I need to know, and I have no one else to ask). I'll chat with them at church or at social gatherings. But I just don't see it as appropriate outside of those situations. That's just my personal preference, and I feel that way because I'm cautious - you never know when a friendship will lead down a road you don't want to take. If I were dating someone, I'd probably continue the friendships I have now, talking with the guys at church, hanging out after church and such (as long as at least one other woman was present), and let the guy I was dating know what I'm doing. I know part of it is a trust issue on the part of the person whom you are dating, but the other part of it is a respect issue on your part. You really just have to pray about it, and ask yourself how you'd feel in the same situation.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having friends of the opposite gender. I do think you have to keep in mind the impression you may be giving others. I know plenty of women that just seem to get along better with men, and we've already had a couple of guys here say that they tend to get along with, and be friends with, women more often than men. I just urge caution if you're going to maintain these friendships as very close friendships, because Satan loves to use such relationships to cause us to stumble into sin. The Bible doesn't say anything specific about such friendships, which basically leaves us to listen to the guidance of the Holy Spirit in making wise decisions. My two cents, whatever they're worth.

 

[Matthew]

I consider having close friendships with people of the opposite gender while in a relationship to be cheating. Whatever they are getting from being friends with these other people, they should be getting from their partner. If they are not getting it, they should find a different partner, instead of having their emotional and personal needs met by several different people at the same time.

I would suggest that if these friendships exist before a relationship begins then clearly that is evidence to the fact that the woman you are with is not, and has never been getting her emotional fulfillment from those other people, if she were she would not be pursuing any additional relationships therefore you can trust that you are something more to her than people already in her life and you should not be threatened by it.

For that reason it is not neccesary for these friendships to end just because a romantic relationship begins, if however the relationship progresses and the friendship causes problems your partner should be prepared to make a change to accomodate your relationship because like some others have said things need to change when a relationship begins.

But the best kind of friendships are those that last, that change with time and overcome the challenges and the threats, any decent person would naturally be ready to take a step back when a true friend begins a relationship, but over time that person can be a friend to you both and enrich your lives as a couple, if someone you love has a close friendship maybe consider they are a person of good character and not out to play your role in her life in some clandestine fashion.

Like I said there's WAY too much sensitivity around this, give the person a chance and if thier presence causes problems then deal with it, it's not such a scary thing for a girl to be friends with a guy

I would suggest perhaps it happens because it is a perfectly natural thing.

 

[Mands]

I would suggest that if these friendships exist before a relationship begins then clearly that is evidence to the fact that the woman you are with is not, and has never been getting her emotional fulfillment from those other people, if she were she would not be pursuing any additional relationships therefore you can trust that you are something more to her than people already in her life and you should not be threatened by it.

For that reason it is not neccesary for these friendships to end just because a romantic relationship begins, if however the relationship progresses and the friendship causes problems your partner should be prepared to make a change to accomodate your relationship because like some others have said things need to change when a relationship begins.

But the best kind of friendships are those that last, that change with time and overcome the challenges and the threats, any decent person would naturally be ready to take a step back when a true friend begins a relationship, but over time that person can be a friend to you both and enrich your lives as a couple, if someone you love has a close friendship maybe consider they are a person of good character and not out to play your role in her life in some clandestine fashion.

Like I said there's WAY too much sensitivity around this, give the person a chance and if thier presence causes problems then deal with it, it's not such a scary thing for a girl to be friends with a guy

I would suggest perhaps it happens because it is a perfectly natural thing.

Thank you! I agree completely!

 

[zeroturbulence]

...Men, if you were in a relationship with someone, and she had guy friends, would that bother you and would you ask her to lose them?

This means your boyfriend doesnt trust you.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I just want to know what you all think of a young woman having male friends, even when she's dating someone. Does that seem odd to you, or is it something you're ok with? Men, if you were in a relationship with someone, and she had guy friends, would that bother you and would you ask her to lose them? Ladies, have you ever been in a certain situation where your guy just wasn't happy that you had friends of the opposite sex?

men and women need MORE friends of the opposite sex, that way if your dating someone and they dump you or it just doesnt work out, its all good, cause you'll have at least 50 more friends to choose from. Really only good could come from this.

 

[MahogonySnail]

I agree. You really need a line up of friends, ordered from tallest to shortest, or shortest to tallest, whichever you prefer. Or fattest to skinniest. Work your way down the list until you find a friend who will fall for you.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I agree. You really need a line up of friends, ordered from tallest to shortest, or shortest to tallest, whichever you prefer. Or fattest to skinniest. Work your way down the list until you find a friend who will fall for you.

Snail, i like this idea. wanna be my friend lol

 

[Mands]

men and women need MORE friends of the opposite sex, that way if your dating someone and they dump you or it just doesnt work out, its all good, cause you'll have at least 50 more friends to choose from. Really only good could come from this.

buahahahahahaha! I love it!

 

[artistic_dreams]

i see nothing wrong w/having friends w/the opposite gender....when i met my husband his bestfriend was a lady named karen....heck i have a bestfriend of almost 30 years and hes a male.....my husband knows him and has talked to him...but he lives far away now.....we have full faith, love and trust in one another.....i dont think he would cheat......and if yall want to call it emotional cheating then go for it.....i tell my husband everything....there is no reason to hide it....mr power i dont see that you are doing anything wrong....you see them as your brother and sisters.....i commend you for being there for them when they need you......thats what friends are for.....to help one another out in their times of need....i would do the same thing.......

friendship is just that...its ONLY friendship .....if they are adults and can hold it at that then there is nothing wrong w/it and they should not be condemned for it...blessings