Advice in Love in Marriage

[DaisyLady]

So I don't even know where to start... My husband and I are having a falling out. I love him but I don't feel that "in love" feeling anymore because I think he does not love me anymore. It is weird and this has never happened in all the years we have been together. He never smiles or laughs with me. Never wants to talk or hang out with me. Only video games. That seems to be the most important thing to him. He will watch maybe a 30 min show with me if that and then he wants his "me" time. Which tends to last almost 8 hours!! Yes he stays up all night playing video games. I just don't know what is going on. He is my best friend. I just don't think he wants me anymore. Almost like I am an annoying pest or something. It is very hard to explain our relationship in a few short words over a computer but I just need advice on how to get that love feeling back into my marriage!

 

[Tommy379]

Sounds like the way I was with my wife, minus the video games. I just liked to do nothing when I wasn't working except sex, but that wasn't enough I guess. She left me last year and took our kids to her parents home. The way she explains it now, she was about your age when she stopped being 'in love' with me. Took her four years to leave. She said it was too little, too late when she told me she wasn't coming home. Now she done hired a lawyer and is going for a divorce.

I love that woman and have done so much to change.

I wish she had told me in plain english when she had stopped being 'in love.' Maybe she could have told me she wanted out before it was 'too late.'

She says I should have "just known."

Love is a choice and you need to love him enough right now to say something in words he will understand.

I'll tell your husband my testimony to this pitiful result of not keeping your wife happy.

 

[NicoleWilliams]

Hi, DaisyLady. I can only imagine what you’re going through, and yes, it’s definitely frustrating to watch your husband play video games for hours together. Communication is very important in a marriage and so I encourage you to talk to him and express your hurt. May be it can help! Also, seek marriage counseling before giving up, if possible, go together. I really hope you and your husband can work through these issues and come to a resolution where both feel confident in moving forward. Sending prayers your way! Hugs!

 

[presidente]

One thing I think is helpful to keep in mind is that you should not let yourself think that your marriage is based on being 'in love.' If you aren't feeling it, you work on your feelings and the relationship don't get rid of the marriage.

What does he say when you tell him he plays video games 8 hours a day and you want some of his time. Watching a 30 minute show sitting next to you is not a quality of spending time with you. If that's spending time together, why not play video games with him. That is probably more interactive than watching TV, since you can comment on the game and who is winning, depending on what it is. Still, that isn't that great of a way to interact with your partner.

If you tell him you want to spend more time with him, and he agrees to it, maybe you can go out and do something active, like go a for a walk or something, and spend some time talking.

When you do talk, what is the talking like? Do you spend the whole time talking about how he isn't doing a good job as a husband because he always plays video games. A half an hour of 'here is why you don't measure up to my standards' is every time you talk going to make him want to get out of there and play video games. You've got to spend some time talking about something neutral or pleasant. Pointing out the problem once when you really have his ear may be helpful. Talking about it all the time is going to wear him down fast.

Some men avoid conversation and interaction with their wives when the interaction is often negative or critical. My wife has gotten into moods when she is pregnant or hormonal, or when we were spending some time at my mom's (her mother-in-law) when she'd get stressed (especially during periods of unemployment) where she'd want to talk for hours, stuff that from my perspective was very negative and sometimes critical. So I just didn't want to talk. We worked through that.

Try to spend some time doing enjoyable stuff when you spend time together. There are some easy buttons to push with men. Most men like sex with their wives, so that is something you can do. If you way 'Let's spend time together' but his needs in that area aren't being met, that may just frustrate him. 'Hold me for a while' is okay too. As a man, I don't mind that. That's nice. Of course, if it is just that without the sexual needs being met-- frustration again. But as long as the other area is okay, a man holding his wife, kissing, or whatever, is enjoyable. You can also spend time saying encouraging things to him. Think of 10 or 20 good things about him. Tell him something positive about him, then kiss him, then say another one, and so on. If it's fun, and you say, "Can you spend some time with me," he may just say, "Okay, let me pause the game" and then he runs in the room to be with you.

A man coming home from work and spending 8 hours on a video game doesn't seem like a balanced life to me. Ideally, he should be spending time with family, doing something to earn extra income, or spending some time volunteering for some ministry related stuff. If he doesn't do a lot of serious productive stuff, at least you might be able to offer him some time doing hobbies besides video games that you could do together. You could bowl. You could go for a walk together. In the summer, if you had a boat or something, a canoe, if you lived near water, for example. What about a church cell group? What about a church prayer group? There are community volunteer activities you could do together, too.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Part of the sinful nature (modified wiring after the fall) of men is being slackers while for women that is being controllers. The reason God did this is for us to seek Him as we struggle with our sinful nature. If both spouse understand this part of themselves they can have more compassion for their partner. If the wife knows herself well that she tend to control her husband then her self awareness can help change her behavior. The same with the husband. Slacking is not bad but too much slacking is bad. Balance is important.

Maybe he is feeling controlled and he escapes to the world of video games. Talk to him and ask what is happening. Honest talk, no blaming, no fighting just clear open communication hopefully will improve your situation. God bless...

 

[tourist]

Ask him straight out why he seems to have lost interest in you. He might just be going through a phase of some sort. It might be that he is just beat up with the struggle of life and is using the video games as a an escape. The best thing to do is to spend a few minutes each day in prayer and devotion. This would be an ideal thing to do. You are not alone in this type of situation. Hopefully you will find support and understanding on this site. Welcome to CC.

 

[tjogs]

Before I met my wife I was like the man you described. I played alot, and if I would have had relationship it would be like what you two are going.

I afraid your husband is having game addiction and he is not able to control it. I know, it's very deceptive and even i who did my best to control only realized years later how bad the situation was. (He cannot see his trouble)
I hope I could give better advice but this is the way I and my wife are managing the situation.

First and most important. It's not you who must put stop it. The change must come from him and you are the shoulder he can hold when he have difficult.
To me this works that we respect each other and I know that if I don't watch out I may end up still playing like I used to or like you described. If I fall to that I sooner or later notice that something is missing, wife is not happy all the social life is not like it used to. That's what should be the wake up call.

About yourself. Don't think that you are annoying and that he don't love you. It's he who should feel that way. It's he who should feel it. Feel it so much that he hates it and it's he who should say "sorry I have ignored you too much lately". (and when he does it he can find the love again with his wife)

When he's playing you can be cold like ice. If you wanna hate something hate the playing but not him. If you argue say that it's his playing what makes you mad but be ready to show forgiveness when he tells that he plays too much and he wants something other content in his life.
Help him to control his playing so he can see the other things he could do. Total ban is perhaps too harsh specially if it comes all of sudden but too much is always too much.

 

[DaisyLady]

Thanks for all the good advice everyone! I was in no way thinking anything about divorce. I just miss the quality time together. I admit maybe I have worn it down because yes I do argue/nag a lot about that Xbox I just didn't know what to do and get frustrated every time. We work different shifts so as I am coming home from work during the day, he is leaving for work for the night. The weekends are the most time we get to see each other and it is all about getting on the video game as soon as we put the kids to bed. I really do hope it is just a phase. I know he is going through issues, he has chronic back pain so he cannot run or get around like he used to and he is only 25. We have two kids under the age of 3 he cannot pick up and throw around and play with. I know that is hard for him so I can see why he used the Xbox as an escape. I never thought of that before. That is interesting. Opens my eyes but I just wonder if there is any other hobby he could get into instead of video games or something we could do together. I try to be patient with him but I am stressed out too. I am the house maid, yard maintenance, mother, cook, bill payer, and everything while going to work also. So it is hard for me too. I just want our marriage to have that love and desire for each other again. That actually feels really good to write this out. I feel a little better getting this off my chest.

 

[notuptome]

Get a baby sitter and go out for a date night. Get away from the TV set and go out even if it's only for fries at a fast food place. Go for a drive and look at the Christmas lights.

Pray together and pray for each other.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Depleted]

So I don't even know where to start... My husband and I are having a falling out. I love him but I don't feel that "in love" feeling anymore because I think he does not love me anymore. It is weird and this has never happened in all the years we have been together. He never smiles or laughs with me. Never wants to talk or hang out with me. Only video games. That seems to be the most important thing to him. He will watch maybe a 30 min show with me if that and then he wants his "me" time. Which tends to last almost 8 hours!! Yes he stays up all night playing video games. I just don't know what is going on. He is my best friend. I just don't think he wants me anymore. Almost like I am an annoying pest or something. It is very hard to explain our relationship in a few short words over a computer but I just need advice on how to get that love feeling back into my marriage!

Whew! It's a good thing to get out of that in-love thing. Drove me nuts spending every waking moment and all my dreams thinking about nothing but "oh, he's so, just so... oooooooooooo!"

Once that's over then the reality hits pavement. Love becomes a choice. And the choice was affirmed at the wedding ceremony. A promise to love forever.

So, he's hooked on games? Who hasn't been? (If hubby were in the room, he'd be raising his hand about now, but he's the one with the highest score on that old skiing game. I remember. lol)

What are you doing for him? You did promise to love him forever, right? Okay. Love him now. Is his drink empty? Refill it. Was it his night to do the dishes? Do them for him. Was it his night to cook? Did you tell him how good dinner was? Or were you already annoyed because he was going to spend the rest of the night at the console? What do you want from him (besides us-time)? Give him according to what would make you happy. And give to him his form of happiness. (The difference between our happy and their happy. Our happy may well be to paint our nails, but it doesn't make them happy to paint their nails... usually. lol)

He'll watch a half-hour show with you? Really? Yeah. I'm with him. I'd rather play games. Use that half hour to see how his day went. Really ask, not the kind of ask that gives you one-word answers or a sound. ("Fine." "unh.") What dreams can the two of you agree on? What dreams can't you agree on? If you won the million dollar lottery, what would you do with the money? What if it was $500 million? Can you get the same thing you both want with that million dollars as a long-term plan? (Hey, we want our house fixed up, and know which projects come first. We've been playing the lottery-winning games for years, so we did agree on stuff that comes in reality occasionally. lol) Are their aliens in space? (It's a fun conversation since we disagree on that one. lol) What happens to your future now that Trump will become President? What becomes of your future no matter who became President? How can you fix that he likes the kitchen set up one way, but you rather have it the other way? Has children come up yet? And if you already have some, what's the plan for your kids future? So many things to talk about as real people, but you'd rather spend half an hour watching a TV show? They're are only three shows worth half an hour out of our lives. lol

Use that time he gives you to talk. Really talk. Will he go for the game afterward? Probably. But at least you had some us-time. Keep remembering you promised to love him, and act on that, and he'll remember he loves you too. Who doesn't love someone who spends their lives catering to our needs? And who isn't going to want to -- eventually -- spend more time with the person who cares that much?

Give 90/90 with him. Giving 100% is too hard to maintain. But, if we strive for 90%, we tend to give ourselves more credit than we deserve, and give the other person less credit then he/she deserves. Aim for 90%, and you'll probably hit 50%.

From what you're describing, it's a lot more than a half-hour TV show and a cold shoulder for daring to do what he considers fun.

You promised to love him forever. You are not responsible for whether he is keeping his promise. You're responsible for keeping yours. Love him, even in the middle of him playing his game. It changes everything, but mostly it changes us.

 

[Depleted]

Part of the sinful nature (modified wiring after the fall) of men is being slackers while for women that is being controllers. The reason God did this is for us to seek Him as we struggle with our sinful nature. If both spouse understand this part of themselves they can have more compassion for their partner. If the wife knows herself well that she tend to control her husband then her self awareness can help change her behavior. The same with the husband. Slacking is not bad but too much slacking is bad. Balance is important.

Maybe he is feeling controlled and he escapes to the world of video games. Talk to him and ask what is happening. Honest talk, no blaming, no fighting just clear open communication hopefully will improve your situation. God bless...

I firmly believe God told women to submit and men to love their wives specifically because it is against our very nature. Women would rather control, and men would rather love just as a feeling, not as an action. So God flipped us on our ears to do the opposite of what comes "naturally" when he gave us "supernaturally."

(That's me agreeing with you.)

 

[Depleted]

Thanks for all the good advice everyone! I was in no way thinking anything about divorce. I just miss the quality time together. I admit maybe I have worn it down because yes I do argue/nag a lot about that Xbox I just didn't know what to do and get frustrated every time. We work different shifts so as I am coming home from work during the day, he is leaving for work for the night. The weekends are the most time we get to see each other and it is all about getting on the video game as soon as we put the kids to bed. I really do hope it is just a phase. I know he is going through issues, he has chronic back pain so he cannot run or get around like he used to and he is only 25. We have two kids under the age of 3 he cannot pick up and throw around and play with. I know that is hard for him so I can see why he used the Xbox as an escape. I never thought of that before. That is interesting. Opens my eyes but I just wonder if there is any other hobby he could get into instead of video games or something we could do together. I try to be patient with him but I am stressed out too. I am the house maid, yard maintenance, mother, cook, bill payer, and everything while going to work also. So it is hard for me too. I just want our marriage to have that love and desire for each other again. That actually feels really good to write this out. I feel a little better getting this off my chest.

Just a heads up for him from someone with chronic back pain. Sitting too long makes it worse too.

Okay, so my heat pad did it's thing, time to get moving. lol

 

[NewWine]

Ask him straight out why he seems to have lost interest in you. He might just be going through a phase of some sort. Welcome to CC.

Do this. Talk to HIM not us.

 

[sassylady]

Many times love is a verb not a feeling. This is a good time for cultivating your relationship with the Lord and leave your husband in His hands. It's not your business how your husband treats you, it's your business how you treat him. It might take awhile for God to work on him, and it can be hard, but God is faithful.

 

[AmmaBev]

I sense that there is something going on in his life that he needs to share with you and isn't. His behavior seems like a distraction for him, a place to hide. Could you make a date with him at a place that is quiet and then bring up the subject of how you are feeling....alienated from you when you are playing games in the evening instead of interacting with the family.
Gently ask him what he's getting out of the games and what's going on in his life. If he is resistant to talking with you, suggest a counselor. Do you attend a church? There would be a pastor to help or many friends to interact with. Focus on the Family is a good resource to call: 800 232 6459 I wouldn't jump to conclude he isn't in love you anymore. It sounds like it's his personal problem. Remember love is a choice, so continue to choose to love him, knowing he must be hurting now. AmmaBev

 

[Tinkerbell725]

I firmly believe God told women to submit and men to love their wives specifically because it is against our very nature. Women would rather control, and men would rather love just as a feeling, not as an action. So God flipped us on our ears to do the opposite of what comes "naturally" when he gave us "supernaturally."

(That's me agreeing with you.)

Thanks for elaborating.

And if we just choose to obey God, those marital problems will go away because God's commands are there to protect us from our destructive self.

 

[DaisyLady]

Whew! It's a good thing to get out of that in-love thing. Drove me nuts spending every waking moment and all my dreams thinking about nothing but "oh, he's so, just so... oooooooooooo!"

Once that's over then the reality hits pavement. Love becomes a choice. And the choice was affirmed at the wedding ceremony. A promise to love forever.

So, he's hooked on games? Who hasn't been? (If hubby were in the room, he'd be raising his hand about now, but he's the one with the highest score on that old skiing game. I remember. lol)

What are you doing for him? You did promise to love him forever, right? Okay. Love him now. Is his drink empty? Refill it. Was it his night to do the dishes? Do them for him. Was it his night to cook? Did you tell him how good dinner was? Or were you already annoyed because he was going to spend the rest of the night at the console? What do you want from him (besides us-time)? Give him according to what would make you happy. And give to him his form of happiness. (The difference between our happy and their happy. Our happy may well be to paint our nails, but it doesn't make them happy to paint their nails... usually. lol)

He'll watch a half-hour show with you? Really? Yeah. I'm with him. I'd rather play games. Use that half hour to see how his day went. Really ask, not the kind of ask that gives you one-word answers or a sound. ("Fine." "unh.") What dreams can the two of you agree on? What dreams can't you agree on? If you won the million dollar lottery, what would you do with the money? What if it was $500 million? Can you get the same thing you both want with that million dollars as a long-term plan? (Hey, we want our house fixed up, and know which projects come first. We've been playing the lottery-winning games for years, so we did agree on stuff that comes in reality occasionally. lol) Are their aliens in space? (It's a fun conversation since we disagree on that one. lol) What happens to your future now that Trump will become President? What becomes of your future no matter who became President? How can you fix that he likes the kitchen set up one way, but you rather have it the other way? Has children come up yet? And if you already have some, what's the plan for your kids future? So many things to talk about as real people, but you'd rather spend half an hour watching a TV show? They're are only three shows worth half an hour out of our lives. lol

Use that time he gives you to talk. Really talk. Will he go for the game afterward? Probably. But at least you had some us-time. Keep remembering you promised to love him, and act on that, and he'll remember he loves you too. Who doesn't love someone who spends their lives catering to our needs? And who isn't going to want to -- eventually -- spend more time with the person who cares that much?

Give 90/90 with him. Giving 100% is too hard to maintain. But, if we strive for 90%, we tend to give ourselves more credit than we deserve, and give the other person less credit then he/she deserves. Aim for 90%, and you'll probably hit 50%.

From what you're describing, it's a lot more than a half-hour TV show and a cold shoulder for daring to do what he considers fun.

You promised to love him forever. You are not responsible for whether he is keeping his promise. You're responsible for keeping yours. Love him, even in the middle of him playing his game. It changes everything, but mostly it changes us.

LOL we have been out of the honeymoon lovey dovey stage for quite a few years now. Trust me I love to talk to him about things like this but he would rather always be doing something (mostly video games of course). I seem to be doing all that I can. I take good care of him! I am just not getting anything back yet. But I will pray every day and be patient. Thank you for your response.

 

[DaisyLady]

Before I met my wife I was like the man you described. I played alot, and if I would have had relationship it would be like what you two are going.

I afraid your husband is having game addiction and he is not able to control it. I know, it's very deceptive and even i who did my best to control only realized years later how bad the situation was. (He cannot see his trouble)
I hope I could give better advice but this is the way I and my wife are managing the situation.

First and most important. It's not you who must put stop it. The change must come from him and you are the shoulder he can hold when he have difficult.
To me this works that we respect each other and I know that if I don't watch out I may end up still playing like I used to or like you described. If I fall to that I sooner or later notice that something is missing, wife is not happy all the social life is not like it used to. That's what should be the wake up call.

About yourself. Don't think that you are annoying and that he don't love you. It's he who should feel that way. It's he who should feel it. Feel it so much that he hates it and it's he who should say "sorry I have ignored you too much lately". (and when he does it he can find the love again with his wife)

When he's playing you can be cold like ice. If you wanna hate something hate the playing but not him. If you argue say that it's his playing what makes you mad but be ready to show forgiveness when he tells that he plays too much and he wants something other content in his life.
Help him to control his playing so he can see the other things he could do. Total ban is perhaps too harsh specially if it comes all of sudden but too much is always too much.

We used to have a deal that we both agreed on: he goes to bed with me during the weekdays and then on the weekends he can stay up and play with his friends. It used to work well until now. When he gets on I try to give him a chance to hang out with me for a little bit but if that doesn't work I just go to bed but I don't think he notices. I wish his wake up call would happen sooner rather than later. I miss him! Thank you for the advice.

 

[AmmaBev]

– http://bit.ly/2gMSNTX Please check this link out from Focus on the Family. AmmaBev

 

[tjogs]

LOL we have been out of the honeymoon lovey dovey stage for quite a few years now. Trust me I love to talk to him about things like this but he would rather always be doing something (mostly video games of course). I seem to be doing all that I can. I take good care of him! I am just not getting anything back yet. But I will pray every day and be patient. Thank you for your response.

This may be a bit harsh if you put it to the word but read proverbs 25:21,22.
When you feel tired and mad, at very first, cry to God. Not a word will slip from him. Pray strength, wisdom, patience and his loving touch to both of your lives.
I cannot tell how long it takes but if you both keep trusting God eventually his cup is full.

You said that he is just 25 years and father of 2 kids. I think it may be quite new for him still. Im basically 33 and my younger kid is just 2 months old. If I would have this situation in life 8 years before my wife would probably became crazy because I simply wasn't mature enough for all family etc stuff. (didn't knew it then but when I look back I see the great blessing God have given me by preventing me getting married and having kids before now) If your husband is any way similar he may face this very same dilemma between needs of himself, his wife, his kids and God. And if it's so it's God and time he needs to fix his priorities. Have strength and faith sister. Marriage is not feeling but choice we make every day. One day he will thank you for staying strong with him.