Honouring abusive parents

[Ariel82]

I have found peace in forgiving my father.

I did make boundaries. I left when he became ridiculous asking for things like moving in with me.

However I tried and visit him at least once a year, even though it was painful and awkward. Sometimes I even took my kids.

I didn't do it for him, but because it was the right thing to do.

I visited him almost every day the week before he died. I missed Friday and he died that night.

I don't regret the time I spent with him, but I do regret not seeing past my hurt to listen and learn more about his life.

He died in March.

 

[Mooky]

"If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.” -Luke 17:3

We're not called to be doormats in the case of repeated abuse - sometimes we even have families who stalk us around no matter how we try to get away (it's the information age!) and try to keep us trapped in the cycle. In any case if they do not take steps toward reconciliation in a clear and non-manipulative manner when it is in their ability to do so then we are under no obligation to treat them as friends or to submit to them as family.

Hmmm.He may be a bit of a loss as a father,husband and human being - and I sometimes feel like telling him that - but I think the bible is clear that I must still honour him regardless of wether I think he deserves it.
I think I might just do so from a distance.

 

[Mooky]

I have found peace in forgiving my father.

I did make boundaries. I left when he became ridiculous asking for things like moving in with me.

However I tried and visit him at least once a year, even though it was painful and awkward. Sometimes I even took my kids.

I didn't do it for him, but because it was the right thing to do.

I visited him almost every day the week before he died. I missed Friday and he died that night.

I don't regret the time I spent with him, but I do regret not seeing past my hurt to listen and learn more about his life.

He died in March.

To be honest, the thought has crossed my mind that I will be relieved when he is no longer with us.That's pretty awful but its the truth.

 

[Ariel82]

Yeah, but honoring your parents is about showing the grace Your heavenly father gave you.

I found it easier to please and honor my Heavenly father than my earthly one.

I showed my earthly father kindness and respect became it honors my Heavenly one.

 

[Mooky]

Yeah, but honoring your parents is about showing the grace Your heavenly father gave you.

I found it easier to please and honor my Heavenly father than my earthly one.

I showed my earthly father kindness and respect became it honors my Heavenly one.

Amen.I only do it to please God - and also for the promise attached to obedience of this command - long life.

 

[PeterJens]

Hi all,
I am seeking advice on how to honour manipulative and controlling parents.My dad is an ex- alcoholic ...so he has some co dependant tendancies.He raises his voice when he doesnt get his way ....but he is now a christian.
He tends to forget that for about 32 years of my life he has made no positive contribution.I am his only child and my mum is deceased.
How to I go about setting boundaries with a spoilt, entitled man - child who feels the world owes him something?

I had to go through a process where I separated my love for the role of a parent
from the love I have for my flawed real parents.

My love for the role given by God who is 100% fulfilled by my Father in heaven is amen.
It is something that is in all of us that needs to be recognised, and freed from the
hurts and disappointments of growing up.

I could then love the person who was my parent. They are victims of their environment
and failures and successes. Like all people boundaries have to be set, and rules enforced,
but it will definately hurt both parties. But without this the relationship fails and gets
worse.

The other thing is people with a grandiose view of themselves are not aware of it.
So they behave like it is wrong to point out their reactions. And also as a parent
children can use giving a little space to a parent as giving too much space, when
it is actually a power play, and not being loving.

In families nothing is neutral, and things have to be worked through slowly, and
imaginative ways round problems discovered. Some things until tried you would
never know might work. Distraction, enthusiasm, overwhelming provision, withdrawal
of involvement, letting the other struggle and learn by themselves.

There is always more to learn and more to try.

 

[maxwel]

Exodus 20:12
Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.


Honor


What the rabbis taught:
The Jewish rabbis have often called this "the hardest commandment."
Why?
For the same reason the OP mentions:
our parents aren't perfect, they're sinners, and some of them might be really really bad, even abusive.


You aren't alone in this:
The conundrum brought up by the OP (how we do honor abusive parents) is NOT a new problem.
It's an old problem.
Being old doesn't make it any easier, but it does mean that MANY people have had the same problem, and it shouldn't be too hard to get some Biblical counsel and advice.


What does honor even mean?
When God tells us to honor our parents, what is He really telling us to do?
The word "honor" is usually defined as "respect", and often with some other attributes added,
like kindness, filial duties, and even obedience.
Sometimes we are able to add all of these other attributes,
but sometimes we CANNOT add all of these other attributes,
and we MUST dial it back to it's simplest form...
and just view it as "respect."

Obviously a small child is EXPECTED to obey a parent in different ways than an adult.
But a child and an adult can both have "respect" for the parent.


Can, and should, an adult obey their parents?
This is where all the trouble really comes in.

A. You clearly should NOT obey your parents if they want you to go against God.

B. You clearly should NOT obey your parents if, because of their sin, or lack of wisdom, they desire something of you that will harm you.

We each belong to God, and have HIS purposes to fulfill.. we therefore have NO RIGHT to allow others to destroy us... we belong to God.

C. There are many acts of kindness, which do not go against God, and which do not harm us, which our parents may desire of us.

These are the kinds of things we need to do.
This is where we just need to show them kindness, and love, and GRACE... even if they are undeserving.

NOTE:
This does NOT mean we should spend undue time around them if they are STILL toxic and abusive.
This would be allowing others to HARM you... and YOU DON'T BELONG TO YOU!
YOU belong to GOD!
You cannot let others HARM something which BELONGS TO GOD!




Conclusion:

A. We owe our parents respect, and grace, inasmuch as it does not go against God, or harm us.

B. We SHOULD NOT allow our parents to harm us... because we belong to God; we are HIS PROPERTY, and we have no right to allow others to harm God's property.

C. Finally, this is an ANCIENT PROBLEM! Much has been written about it, many are familiar with it, and you don't need to go through it alone!

 

[Sirk]

Exodus 20:12
Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.


Honor


What the rabbis taught:
The Jewish rabbis have often called this "the hardest commandment."
Why?
For the same reason the OP mentions:
our parents aren't perfect, they're sinners, and some of them might be really really bad, even abusive.


You aren't alone in this:
The conundrum brought up by the OP (how we do honor abusive parents) is NOT a new problem.
It's an old problem.
Being old doesn't make it any easier, but it does mean that MANY people have had the same problem, and it shouldn't be too hard to get some Biblical counsel and advice.


What does honor even mean?
When God tells us to honor our parents, what is He really telling us to do?
The word "honor" is usually defined as "respect", and often with some other attributes added,
like kindness, filial duties, and even obedience.
Sometimes we are able to add all of these other attributes,
but sometimes we CANNOT add all of these other attributes,
and we MUST dial it back to it's simplest form...
and just view it as "respect."

Obviously a small child is EXPECTED to obey a parent in different ways than an adult.
But a child and an adult can both have "respect" for the parent.


Can, and should, an adult obey their parents?
This is where all the trouble really comes in.

A. You clearly should NOT obey your parents if they want you to go against God.

B. You clearly should NOT obey your parents if, because of their sin, or lack of wisdom, they desire something of you that will harm you.

We each belong to God, and have HIS purposes to fulfill.. we therefore have NO RIGHT to allow others to destroy us... we belong to God.

C. There are many acts of kindness, which do not go against God, and which do not harm us, which our parents may desire of us.

These are the kinds of things we need to do.
This is where we just need to show them kindness, and love, and GRACE... even if they are undeserving.

NOTE:
This does NOT mean we should spend undue time around them if they are STILL toxic and abusive.
This would be allowing others to HARM you... and YOU DON'T BELONG TO YOU!
YOU belong to GOD!
You cannot let others HARM something which BELONGS TO GOD!




Conclusion:

A. We owe our parents respect, and grace, inasmuch as it does not go against God, or harm us.

B. We SHOULD NOT allow our parents to harm us... because we belong to God; we are HIS PROPERTY, and we have no right to allow others to harm God's property.

C. Finally, this is an ANCIENT PROBLEM! Much has been written about it, many are familiar with it, and you don't need to go through it alone!

Really great post Max. I think God would have us:
Stay connected
understand
communicate
be open and vulnerable
be respectful
be direct and honest
and ask questions

to validate someone doesn't mean that we agree with them
we should acknowledge and make room for differences
we shouldn't need to win all the time
we should never intimidate but instead be cooperative
invite the others position and don't require submission
discuss hidden messages
have interpretations validated or corrected.

 

[maxwel]

Really great post Max. I think God would have us:
Stay connected
understand
communicate
be open and vulnerable
be respectful
be direct and honest
and ask questions

to validate someone doesn't mean that we agree with them
we should acknowledge and make room for differences
we shouldn't need to win all the time
we should never intimidate but instead be cooperative
invite the others position and don't require submission
discuss hidden messages
have interpretations validated or corrected.

Those are good points.

I would just add that although we are to love our parents unconditionally, the precise ways in which we INTERACT with them has to be contingent on their behavior.

In extreme cases it is possible for someone to be so abusive, or violent, that it isn't safe to be around them.

This is unfortunate, but it is part of the fallen world we live in.

 

[Sirk]

Those are good points.

I would just add that although we are to love our parents unconditionally, the precise ways in which we INTERACT with them has to be contingent on their behavior.

In extreme cases it is possible for someone to be so abusive, or violent, that it isn't safe to be around them.

This is unfortunate, but it is part of the fallen world we live in.

Definitely... Doesn't sound like in the case of the OP that there is any physical danger. Of course there is emotional danger with the manipulative behavior from dad. That's when you get to teach people how you want to be treated and set boundaries accordingly. Sometimes you gotta keep walking away if someone is mean so as not to get hooked....that's what they want....to get their emotional hooks in you and control you.

 

[Magenta]

Hi all,
I am seeking advice on how to honour manipulative and controlling parents.My dad is an ex- alcoholic ...so he has some co dependant tendancies. He raises his voice when he doesn't get his way ....but he is now a christian.

He tends to forget that for about 32 years of my life he has made no positive contribution. I am his only child and my mum is deceased.

How to I go about setting boundaries with a spoilt, entitled man - child who feels the world owes him something?

Hello Mooky. You say your dad is an ex alcoholic, but is he in any kind of recovery program? A program designed to help him raise his awareness of where he needs not only to make changes, but to take responsibility for the harm he has done to others, and make amends for it if he can? Even small attitude adjustments can make such huge differences in our dealings with others. If your dad has simply put down the bottle and nothing else, then nothing else has really changed. Some might even call that white knuckling. It almost sounds like he is looking for you to be the change he needs in his life, but that has to come from him. If he is truly a Christian, his relationship with God should also help. Otherwise it is just a sham.

 

[renewed_hope]

To be honest, the thought has crossed my mind that I will be relieved when he is no longer with us.That's pretty awful but its the truth.

Amen.I only do it to please God - and also for the promise attached to obedience of this command - long life.

Im not saying this to sound judgemental in any way, but if you want to please God, you need to forgive your dad. You will never forget what he did or did not do, but you need to forgive him in order for you to be forgiven for what you do wrong.

Your dad has done some horrible things because of alcoholism and I am certain he wont deny that, but as your OP states he found a relationship with Christ and became sober. Do yourself a favor and stop throwing his past back up in his face, swallow your pride and try calling him and initiate contact. God has already forgiven him and because you have a relationship with him, so should you....

 

[Mooky]

In all fairness...I do care about my dads welfare.Just need to clarify that.I was a bit hasty in typing what I said before.Apologies.

 

[Mooky]

Hello Mooky. You say your dad is an ex alcoholic, but is he in any kind of recovery program? A program designed to help him raise his awareness of where he needs not only to make changes, but to take responsibility for the harm he has done to others, and make amends for it if he can? Even small attitude adjustments can make such huge differences in our dealings with others. If your dad has simply put down the bottle and nothing else, then nothing else has really changed. Some might even call that white knuckling. It almost sounds like he is looking for you to be the change he needs in his life, but that has to come from him. If he is truly a Christian, his relationship with God should also help. Otherwise it is just a sham.

Hi Magenta ,

He used to attend AA meetings as far as I know.At the moment he sees a counseller.But he doesnt even open up to him about his faith .....I have encouraged him to either open up to the psyche nurse or find a christian counsellor ....but he will do neither.

 

[renewed_hope]

In all fairness...I do care about my dads welfare.Just need to clarify that.I was a bit hasty in typing what I said before.Apologies.

You know something? You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. The reason why i said what i did is that my mom has a history of becoming violent and extremely aggressive towards me. I love my mom dearly and she is a very good mom, however because she has a history of seizures and head injuries sustained in those seizures and i was her sole caretaker her judgement is off and takes it out on me which is not fair. I move forward and when she hurts me i swallow my feelings and move on because I know its not really her (hugs)

 

[bravethea]

Yes you honor people by telling them the Truth. No one ever said they would enjoy it. may God Bless Us as We Seek to Put Him first in a Place of Honor amen in Jesus amen

get away from those who simply wont listen = its called guarding your Heart as teh Bible teaches us to do.

 

[Magenta]

Hi Magenta ,

He used to attend AA meetings as far as I know.At the moment he sees a counseller.But he doesnt even open up to him about his faith .....I have encouraged him to either open up to the psyche nurse or find a christian counsellor ....but he will do neither.

That might be a place to make a start and have some boundaries, then, in insisting he do something to enhance his recovery so he is not just alcohol free, but growing by the grace of God, which means he would embrace raising his awareness despite the pain of looking at the damage he has caused, and possibly also going back farther, to how he got to that place, the damage that was caused to him, and how it affected him. I have gone to 12 step meetings for decades and hear lots of people say things like they only took things seriously (in terms of making an effort to make positive changes in their lives) because they were going to lose someone who had had enough. Otherwise it seems you simply enable the abusive behaviour, if you are forced to turn a blind eye to it. You cannot just pretend it does not exist, nor is it realistic of him to expect you to. Making him aware of this could be very uncomfortable for you, but it sounds like it already is. I'm sorry you have to go through this

 

[bravethea]

They truly do not care. Its called free will Sweetheart. I am free from years of their antics now in Jesus amen

 

[JustWhoIAm]

 

[PeterJens]

Hi Magenta ,

He used to attend AA meetings as far as I know.At the moment he sees a counseller.But he doesnt even open up to him about his faith .....I have encouraged him to either open up to the psyche nurse or find a christian counsellor ....but he will do neither.

When pain inside is so great you fear touching it making it worse, you just
close down.

One way round this is to think through which incidents in his life were traumatic.
He probably hides how badly it effected him, but he has mentioned it.

You can in a friendly situation talk about similar times in your life and what happened
and get them to relate their experiences.

With my mother as a 5 year old she was ignored while having appendicitus. I guessed
this felt like abandonment and shut her off from her child hood. So we taked about
early memories with our kids, traumas, giving support, being sensitive, and then asked
about her brothers and how they got on. She ended up crying about the situation she
had been in, but still had it under wraps, but it was a start.

I now know her a lot better, because in her life she got stuck there and lost a lot of
who she was. It is not a solution, but it is a way of meeting the person within.