Dealing with suicidal thoughts
- Thread starter Camelot
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Either way the person who we love is in need of help and for whatever reason they are even thinking about suicide it is my opinion to stay in sickness and in health. The "covenant" of marriage is a covenant we made before God and IMO is important to consider a different matter than how to not allow someone to manipulate us.
We can be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves in this area especially. Shouldn't we try even harder for someone we are married to and love and have family with? This is IMO. Can't speak for someone else in this matter but as someone who did get divorced, over the months and years I wished I could have gone back in time and done differently. I had no idea the pain brought on for so many involved by the ending of a marriage. The kids suffer the most even until adulthood.
We can be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves in this area especially. Shouldn't we try even harder for someone we are married to and love and have family with? This is IMO. Can't speak for someone else in this matter but as someone who did get divorced, over the months and years I wished I could have gone back in time and done differently. I had no idea the pain brought on for so many involved by the ending of a marriage. The kids suffer the most even until adulthood.
No, not at all you're more than welcome to your opinion. Your view though had very little to do with what's happening NOW or finding solutions. Yes I cheated, we've gone to counseling, I've cried and begged her forgiveness.. In fact I'm the one who told her about the affair because of mine own guilt.
I NEVER left her. She neglected me and I didn't know what to do. Spoke ugly of her? How?
It seems you're missing the point and have a selfish motive so again please stay off my stuff with it if you aren't offering constructive advice.
I NEVER left her. She neglected me and I didn't know what to do. Spoke ugly of her? How?
It seems you're missing the point and have a selfish motive so again please stay off my stuff with it if you aren't offering constructive advice.
D
Last year at this time, my husband was still in the hospital recovering from a heart attack he had in November, 2015. He would not come home until June 23. I did not know that at the time. He didn't know that at the time. We were too busy trying to get him better. while many idiots at the hospital (usually social workers or residents who were just following the doctor's orders without really knowing the whole story) were continuing to tell us he was coming home "this week." If he had come home every week "this week" was, he would have come home about 12 times before he really did come home. And if he had gone to the nursing home "this week" every time they said, "This week" he would have gone to a nursing home more often than he supposedly was coming home.
What's that got to do with Camelot's situation? Everything!
Camelot, you're wife is a very sick woman. The only difference between her and my hubby is her sickness is in her mind, and hubby's is in his heart. (Literally.) The goal of hospitals anymore seems to be to get the patient well enough to get them off their hands. This leaves you on the pointy part of the sword way too long with no idea what they consider "well enough to come home" and nothing to hone onto to prepare for this return. The hospital's job is the patient. They will do their job at the expense of the family and even at the expense of the patient once the patient is released.
Find help! Find someone who knows what you both will be facing when she is released and knows what signs there are to see that she is getting close to that time of release. I have no idea who that person is. I can tell you who it isn't. It's not a doctor, it's not her case worker, and it's not a palliative whatever. (New specialty for long-term care patients. Designed to give the patient hope. Not very realistic position because hope can be a very vague thing, and the spouses really could use more concrete help, but we're not their problem.) I'd suggest going to your pastor and asking if he happens to know anyone in the mental health field who knows what happens in the long-term after a mental breakdown. Pastors tend to be good at networking specifically because they quickly learn they cannot be a one-size-fits all answer to everyone's question. And, if the pastor doesn't know, (which is more than likely), then have him search his contacts for people who do know. And have him ask them who they know.
You really really do need to know what's coming in realistic terms. When is equally as important. The when won't be an exact date. It will be "when she can do this, this and this, she is then ready to return back to the regular world." And you need to know what too. We were told that hubby would be ready to return home when he left the nursing home/rehab. He was a lot less ready than either one of us realized, and then we were the only two people truly stuck with that reality. It is HARD! More preparation for what we were facing would have helped.
And, you? Like it or not, this started because of something you did. I know. I really get you have repented. And that is good. BUT repent means "turn from." It doesn't mean "and become something better." Something caused you to do what you did. Whatever that was, it is innately who you are. And you cannot be that same innate being. She will not be able to handle that. You've got all the physical proof of that statement right in front of you. BUT how do we change from what is innately part of us? Of course, Christ! Of course!
But more than that. If every time I walk out my door I turn left, then every time I walk out my door I innately turn left, even if I meant to turn right. I know left. I know everything about left. I don't know right. (I'm left handed, so I'm talking real directions, not "wrong and right.") If I repented of turning left, by turning right, I'd need someone to teach me how to get around in the world by going in that direction also. In like kind you've been conditioned to turn left all the time for so long now (even if it was still once, it has been replayed in your mind often enough the habit has formed), that you need someone to teach you to how to live with the other decision.
Your wife needs a whole lot of physical and mental health care where she is now. But you too need mental health care to learn how to not do that again. Get it now and get it for you, or whether she returns home or not will end up with the same mess it's in now.
What's that got to do with Camelot's situation? Everything!
Camelot, you're wife is a very sick woman. The only difference between her and my hubby is her sickness is in her mind, and hubby's is in his heart. (Literally.) The goal of hospitals anymore seems to be to get the patient well enough to get them off their hands. This leaves you on the pointy part of the sword way too long with no idea what they consider "well enough to come home" and nothing to hone onto to prepare for this return. The hospital's job is the patient. They will do their job at the expense of the family and even at the expense of the patient once the patient is released.
Find help! Find someone who knows what you both will be facing when she is released and knows what signs there are to see that she is getting close to that time of release. I have no idea who that person is. I can tell you who it isn't. It's not a doctor, it's not her case worker, and it's not a palliative whatever. (New specialty for long-term care patients. Designed to give the patient hope. Not very realistic position because hope can be a very vague thing, and the spouses really could use more concrete help, but we're not their problem.) I'd suggest going to your pastor and asking if he happens to know anyone in the mental health field who knows what happens in the long-term after a mental breakdown. Pastors tend to be good at networking specifically because they quickly learn they cannot be a one-size-fits all answer to everyone's question. And, if the pastor doesn't know, (which is more than likely), then have him search his contacts for people who do know. And have him ask them who they know.
You really really do need to know what's coming in realistic terms. When is equally as important. The when won't be an exact date. It will be "when she can do this, this and this, she is then ready to return back to the regular world." And you need to know what too. We were told that hubby would be ready to return home when he left the nursing home/rehab. He was a lot less ready than either one of us realized, and then we were the only two people truly stuck with that reality. It is HARD! More preparation for what we were facing would have helped.
And, you? Like it or not, this started because of something you did. I know. I really get you have repented. And that is good. BUT repent means "turn from." It doesn't mean "and become something better." Something caused you to do what you did. Whatever that was, it is innately who you are. And you cannot be that same innate being. She will not be able to handle that. You've got all the physical proof of that statement right in front of you. BUT how do we change from what is innately part of us? Of course, Christ! Of course!
But more than that. If every time I walk out my door I turn left, then every time I walk out my door I innately turn left, even if I meant to turn right. I know left. I know everything about left. I don't know right. (I'm left handed, so I'm talking real directions, not "wrong and right.") If I repented of turning left, by turning right, I'd need someone to teach me how to get around in the world by going in that direction also. In like kind you've been conditioned to turn left all the time for so long now (even if it was still once, it has been replayed in your mind often enough the habit has formed), that you need someone to teach you to how to live with the other decision.
Your wife needs a whole lot of physical and mental health care where she is now. But you too need mental health care to learn how to not do that again. Get it now and get it for you, or whether she returns home or not will end up with the same mess it's in now.
Does you wife have a diagnosis? Because hypersexuality, mixed with depression and suicidal ideation sounds a great deal like bipolar disorder. You might want to visit her, if it is allowed and talk to her doctor to find out how they have assessed her. If it is bipolar, then you have a lot of work to do. I run a bipolar group, and there isn't more than one woman I can think of who is still on her first marriage, with no adultery. Every single other marriage has broken up.
So does that mean it can't be done? Of course, with God, your help, the doctors and taking her medication consistently, I think your marriage is salvagable, if you can find it in your heart to forgive her for her adulteries. And that means asking her forgiveness for your adultery. That was probably the "trigger" for her psychotic break. So yes, you are a part of the problem, but you can also be a big part of the solution, if you choose to be.
If she is bipolar (only a doctor can determine that, certainly not me on the internet, just putting symptoms together), then I would advise you to get the book "loving someone with bipolar disorder" by Julie A Fast and Dr. John D. Preston. It tells you all the things you can do to help. Another thing to be careful about, if you do get back together, is that she must take her meds. All of these major Axis I mental illnesses need to be treated by meds. People hate the meds, because it it not "fun!" Or they don't like the side effects. So they go off, and end up having more episodes and then they lose their self esteem, steep downhill slope. I would make a contract, and the top item would be staying on meds.
Feel free to pm me if you find out the diagnosis and you want to talk more about it with me.
So does that mean it can't be done? Of course, with God, your help, the doctors and taking her medication consistently, I think your marriage is salvagable, if you can find it in your heart to forgive her for her adulteries. And that means asking her forgiveness for your adultery. That was probably the "trigger" for her psychotic break. So yes, you are a part of the problem, but you can also be a big part of the solution, if you choose to be.
If she is bipolar (only a doctor can determine that, certainly not me on the internet, just putting symptoms together), then I would advise you to get the book "loving someone with bipolar disorder" by Julie A Fast and Dr. John D. Preston. It tells you all the things you can do to help. Another thing to be careful about, if you do get back together, is that she must take her meds. All of these major Axis I mental illnesses need to be treated by meds. People hate the meds, because it it not "fun!" Or they don't like the side effects. So they go off, and end up having more episodes and then they lose their self esteem, steep downhill slope. I would make a contract, and the top item would be staying on meds.
Feel free to pm me if you find out the diagnosis and you want to talk more about it with me.
Getting real is very hard.
Imagine the relationship you had in the past. It is now gone because you have
both changed, and both have reasons to walk away.
You both need time to discover who both of you are and where the relationship
might or might not work.
You have to earn the love of each other again, and that takes time, because you
are now strangers to each other because of betrayal and what has happened.
If you can see this is where you are now, and see there is no right solution, just
a series of free choices, as single people.
Deep down you still love each other, and that is precious, but it may not be
enough. Being real and finding space is important so nothing is forced, it is earnt.
God bless you, and I know how hard it is to share your story, because you both
care, feel guilty and trampled on all together.
Imagine the relationship you had in the past. It is now gone because you have
both changed, and both have reasons to walk away.
You both need time to discover who both of you are and where the relationship
might or might not work.
You have to earn the love of each other again, and that takes time, because you
are now strangers to each other because of betrayal and what has happened.
If you can see this is where you are now, and see there is no right solution, just
a series of free choices, as single people.
Deep down you still love each other, and that is precious, but it may not be
enough. Being real and finding space is important so nothing is forced, it is earnt.
God bless you, and I know how hard it is to share your story, because you both
care, feel guilty and trampled on all together.
R
I applaud you for standing by her side in all of this....but she is getting help in a facility to get healthy again. My recommendation to you is to go to a pastor for counseling in how to lead your family and your life in accordance to his word so that you can make healthy and clear decisions for them. Its not an easy thing to do and its not our place to tell you what to do, but going to a family pastor who knows of the circumstances would give you the best guidance. Be the man and husband God created you to be and God Bless you 
I understand the hurt, and her depression and suicide attempts, BUT THAT IS NOT THE ANSWER. I attempted suicide after my first wife cheated on me several times and then six months in that marriage, demanded a divorce because I could not earn enough money to buy her what she wanted in life.
The thing that STOPPED ME from finishing pulling that trigger was SHEAR TERROR of knowing that Hell was for REAL and FOREVER. No man with a knife to my throat could put that much TERROR in me.
Now what I am NOT hearing in your testimony, may be the real problem. I am not hearing a single thing about either of your having a genuine PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with Jesus Christ as LORD. I did not have that relationship with HIM either, when I was attempting suicide. But after my third attempt, something in me BROKE, and I think it was the pride of running my own life my own way. Then wave after wave of GUILT over my whole lifestyle washed over me. I was weeping and bawling like baby, crying out to HIM, "Forgive me, Forgive me. If You have a purpose for my life, You will have to come into it and run it. BECAUSE I CAN'T DO IT. I am making a total mess of it." NO ONE taught me to pray that prayer. I believe now, it was the Holy Spirit who gave me that prayer when I needed it most. I KNEW FOR SURE, I was surrendering complete control of my life to JESUS CHRIST, forever.
I was a Church goer my whole life, BUT THAT IS THE NIGHT I BECAME A GENUINE CHRISTIAN. There is no sin, so great that HE WILL NOT FORGIVE, that broken, contrite heart mourning over one's own sinfulness. My suggestion is let her read this, because taking up space on a pew does not make you a genuine Christian; but mourning over your sinfulness, begging Him for forgiveness, and surrendering control of your life to HIM out of LOVE FOR HIM, does make you a REAL Born Again Christian. No that is not works righteousness, that is the HOLY SPIRIT WORKING IN YOUR HEART.
Psalm 51:17 (ASV)
[SUP]17 [/SUP] The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: A broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
Did He take control of my life? OH MY YES! This ex-Nebraska farm boy was led by the Spirit of GOD to move West to California and I knew not why. To make a very long story short, HE molded me into a tool HE could use, even tho I had NO BIBLE COLLEGE. I became a Volunteer Protestant Chaplain at Pelican Bay State Prison on the Coast when that prison first opened. I literally started the Prison Ministry there, even tho I knew not how; BUT I TRUSTED HIM TOTALLY TO GIVE ME THE ABILITITY TO DO WHAT I COULD NOT DO. I was a Volunteer Chaplain there for 9 years, followed by 6 more years at another supermax Prison in another town.
Luke 6:36-37 (ESV)
[SUP]36 [/SUP] Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.
[SUP]37 [/SUP] “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;
Colossians 3:12-15 (ESV)
[SUP]12 [/SUP] Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,
[SUP]13 [/SUP] bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
[SUP]14 [/SUP] And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
[SUP]15 [/SUP] And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.
The secret to a long happy marriage is to Love the LORD more than your spouse, and your spouse more than even yourself.
I applaud you for standing by her side in all of this....but she is getting help in a facility to get healthy again. My recommendation to you is to go to a pastor for counseling in how to lead your family and your life in accordance to his word so that you can make healthy and clear decisions for them. Its not an easy thing to do and its not our place to tell you what to do, but going to a family pastor who knows of the circumstances would give you the best guidance. Be the man and husband God created you to be and God Bless you