Just some advice to singles from a wife in a bad place

[CLee622]

I've been mulling over the thought "when am I considered single?" Much like I thought before "when are you married" ... some describe an intimate moment with themselves and God, others must have the big blowout with bells and whistles.

My husband claimed we had a private moment w God, then went through w legal paper and small get together with loved ones. And yet.....

My husband is threatening divorce (again) and we can't abide in the same room. I have tried each day - but he's pushing me away much more this time and I can't bring myself to speak anymore. (He has told me to leave him completely alone) I have been sleeping in our 3y old daughter's room.

But who will do his laundry? Feed him? As long as he hasn't filed, I am still responsible for him according to scripture. I have personally been convicted not to file. Though every part of me wants to.

Just saying you can feel completely alone and "single" even when married. But it is worse than being alone. And you can truly not know what tomorrow has for you even though you thought you were with someone you could be with forever.

Advice? ... don't rush marriage. Don't desire marriage. Desire God and let Him do with you what He wills. My husband has post traumatic stress // anxiety which he touched on before marriage, but circumstances and more have brought out a man I didn't know was there. Praying and know God is using the situation and will accomplish His will. Thanks guys.

 

[sojames]

why what is the reason, have u cheated

 

[CLee622]

No ..... He has post traumatic stress and severe anxiety as I mentioned. He has suffered a lot of past abuse and I've become a target. Verbally and physically now. I'm to blame for everything in his life he doesn't like. Was basically posting because I know how much pressure some feel to be married. Even Paul said he "ought not" folks be married yet - he knew they 1. Had to be 2. Would be so he gives instructions on the matter.

 

[Magenta]

Can you show me the Scripture that says you are responsible for him
even when he is pushing you away and saying he wants a divorce?

 

[CLee622]

1 Cor 7:10-11 ... 10But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband 11(but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.

There are no verses about any form of abuse. There are about adultery...

its an extremely debated subject. Moses only gave laws about divorce because "sin increased" and people's hearts grew hard.

This isn't a first. But he's said he would get help, hasn't, and who knows? It could never be over and I could be in for a lifetime of serving a sometimes-enemy (something God has called His people to do many times before..serve enemies even in slavery .. they were to do so with humility and patience)

I do know it says we are to win disobedient husbands "without a word." I've seen that work (he's just cyclical ... this could never stop but perhaps have "better times") so there's another piece of advice (for women) practice being silent and listening and thinking (always praying) more than talking, at times. Will come in handy.

 

[CLee622]

If you want a few more details and to pray for this situation specifically I posted in "prayer requests" and I thank you for the interactions. I'm here to help others really not to vent but felt sharing that one should seek God not marriage/mate was something that could benefit someone. Hopefully, anyhow. I see so many chasing humans/human love and missing the Creator (I used to be one of the worst)

 

[Desertsrose]

Hi CLee,

Have you considered separation for the purpose of reconciliation? Do you have church elders or a pastor you can talk with? Are your parents able to help out at all.

I think you have a wonderful heart and it seems you must still love your husband and care for him and his well being. You are a great wife and those are few and far between that will stick by her husband during the difficult times.

But really, you can separate from your husband. Maybe if you do that he may realize he doesn't want to lose you and maybe he'll go and get help. Any counseling?

I'm going to pray for you and I want to give you a cyber hug. I'm crying with you!

 

[CLee622]

So sweet. There are reasons I can't leave this house, I'll link to my thread describing it so as not to overload here since this is the singles place http://christianchat.com/prayer-requests/148830-distant-abusive-husband-daily-struggles-house.html

(I've mentioned to pastor, prayed with me .. though I was not ready to go into detail..my husband help start that church and used to teach there and most of his family goes but his ex wife really did a number there when they divorced. So much baggage! But I signed up for it!) my dad knows a little more than most, his parents too but they aren't in positions to really help and no matter who I talk to it's like I know that no one will understand the gravity of his situation / needs ... except a mental health/counseling facility. Can't make him go....Bless you and truly thank you for praying.

 

[Magenta]

1 Cor 7:10-11 ... 10But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband 11(but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.

There are no verses about any form of abuse. There are about adultery...

I don't see how you interpret that to mean you must concern yourself with his laundry needs when he has forced you out of the marriage bed, and is physically abusing you while he is threatening divorce... I do understand that it is a difficult situation, and your daughter must be suffering also. I pray he gets the help he needs, and that the wounds he has caused both you and your daughter are healed by the love he comes to know and to show through his own healing process, with the establishment of a stronger relationship upon the steady rock of Christ.

​

 

[Desertsrose]

I just went and read the dialog with blue ladybug. My heart goes out to you. It's quite a difficult situation.

Since you're living with your aunt, can he leave and go stay with a family member? It sounds like he loves you, but has so much baggage he's dealing with that he feels emotionally spent and then takes it out on you.

You do need to keep yourself safe and protect your daughter. Sometimes when the stress kicks in they take it out on their loved ones which would include your daughter.

I think you need some time apart so he can sort out what he really wants to do with his life. A separation is biblical. If the wife depart, let her stay unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.

If he's talking about divorce, you'll have to separate anyway. He would have to find somewhere else to live. Why not give it a go before hand in hopes of saving your marriage?

We can all offer suggestions, but really you need wisdom from the Lord right now, so we can all agree to seek God in prayer that he will grant you wisdom - to keep you strong in the Lord and in His word for comfort and hope in the Lord. You need to keep yourself strong in the Lord because in and of ourself, we are weak. We can help hold up your arms as you struggle though.

 

[CLee622]

It says in scripture if your enemy is thirsty to give him drink... how much more my husband? Til he leaves anyhow if he does.

Plus if I don't tend to his needs it'll only make his mental state / anxiety worse. Hard to understand but I do anyway. He could handle himself if we lived alone but we don't and this is my family home (will be mine) lots of responsibilities.

At this point I can make no suggestions to him. Only pray and do things around house when he's gone. He text me about finances today, that he was indeed depositing some... (eased my mind because once he has spent needed money on a hotel to get away a night, or 2, can't remember. If we could afford it I would say go there longer! Hehe) and when I told him where our daughter and I would be tonight (I cared for babies, she went to choir) he went off and said he didn't want interaction or to see me the fact I can talk to you all about it now, and I'm not drowning in tears is a massive improvement ... so yes if he could go that might be ok but I am not certain there's a place right now. May the Lord grant be AND him wisdom and understanding headers. Thank you ladies I do need you!!!

 

[Bigbromarsh]

I'm so sorry sis!

I'll be praying!!! God guide you! God send some angels around him, you, your home, and church! What ever the root cause be brought out to the light and it bow its knee to the King!

 

[Fenner]

C lee I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm praying for you guy's.

 

[Smoke]

Just saying you can feel completely alone and "single" even when married. But it is worse than being alone. And you can truly not know what tomorrow has for you even though you thought you were with someone you could be with forever.

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone."


I'm curious, how long did you and your husband date before getting married?

 

[blue_ladybug]

You're not responsible for feeding him and doing his laundry. Stop coddling him, he's NOT an invalid. Let him do his own cooking and laundry, seeing as how he wants nothing from you anyway.. I understand he has PTSD, but he's not physically disabled..

 

[CLee622]

Smoke not long enough I guess a year. But we both agree we moved quickly. Both in bad places yet I know God is in control and at least if it's in the past - you know He knew it would happen. And has planned accordingly.

He asked in text today if he needed to go to laundromat I said I could do it but later etc... thing is aunt plants herself on couch all day and entering a room with her means anxiety instantly (I've even battled it, better, not gone) she's just beginning to understand (I think) how much her bombarding someone verbally (no matter what she says or how innocent she thinks it is) isn't really ok, that people need space and to have their own thought life and yes - private life. I grew up here - she changed a few of my diapers - so authority with her has been a struggle plus the fact she's now facing that "I need help" phase of life and she's stubborn as a mule and doesn't take care of herself and has cast much of the tasks of her life burdens on me (and still talks about me behind my back !) I smile but it's been a challenge to handle. I won't go into more detail on her really but it's like living with someone who does and says nearly everything you disagree with AND says she's a believer. I'm trying... I've done devotionals with her and when he's able he's come and talked with her about life and God (longer periods than me but definitely not as frequent as it's most of my day...every day.) I did just start work part time and getting out, being with kids REALLY HELPS! I knew I wanted to work w kids a long time.

Anyway. THANK you for praying and giving me a place to talk.

 

[CLee622]

Thank you Fenner! Sweet puppy pic

C lee I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm praying for you guy's.

 

[sojames]

he needs deliverance sometimes we have to fight for love ones, oppression, depression, issues from past and mental illness. Isaih 61 God is a delivered meditate , pray and fast, for him. Also, get a prayer cloth put in his pillow.Paul through aprons and napkins demons , evil spirits was deliver from people.

 

[jj101]

Praying for you

 

[blue_ladybug]

PTSD is NOT caused by demons..

he needs deliverance sometimes we have to fight for love ones, oppression, depression, issues from past and mental illness. Isaih 61 God is a delivered meditate , pray and fast, for him. Also, get a prayer cloth put in his pillow.Paul through aprons and napkins demons , evil spirits was deliver from people.