What would u do in this situation??
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Fear is why there is the abuse. Fear is why the abused does not leave of her own volition. I agree, it is not healthy for their relationship, nor should dude choke her. I think they might be in love though, I don't see how you can stay with someone even when they are in prison and not love them. They just need more of that love. If they had more of that love for each other and for themselves then the fear will be gone, because perfect love casts out all fear.
K
She was asking him to hit her? Here's an answer for that,WALK AWAY! Never ever a reason to hit a woman.I dont care what she is doing. You walk away! You do not put hands on a woman. As the man in your story figured out. Get away from her.If she's the worst lair ever,doesn't matter.He knew the truth and those who know him knew the truth. Forget about her and stay away.
He has cameras because he's both paranoid and possessive. That what abusers are like. That does not indicate in any way that she cheats. Thats an assumption that you are making. And even if she was cheating you dont put hands on her.You walk away. You cant make someone love you or stay true to you. Wash your hands of it and walk away.
K
Usually when a person stays with an abuser it is because earlier in life someone taught them that that is love. Its usually a mother that has stayed with an abusive man,or men. And they grow up thinking that is love and there is nothing wrong with it.But that isn't love. And most likely if this lady got help she would see that she doesn't really love him at all. And if he got healthy he might even realize the same thing,that they were just codependent on each other.
K
okay well sis if you think that then please define me the biblical definition of what marriage is and how it happens etc Maybe we can start another thread on that sis? I dont want to get into a drawn out explanation here. God wont bless a relationship that is in sin. But again,lets start another thread on that.I hope your headaches are better btw <3
A codependent relationship is an unhealthy relationship. When someone is “being codependent,” they’re either excessively controlling or compliant in a relationship; don’t practice self-care or have much self-respect; and enable their partner to engage in self-destructive behavior, according to Chris Kingman, LCSW, a psychotherapist in the Flatiron District in New York City.
Some people believe the emotional pain in these kinds of relationships is simply a reflection of their love for each other, he said. However, “healthy love doesn’t cause pain; it heals pain.”
Another common myth about codependent relationships is that partners enable each other’s self-destructive ways out of “love and altruism.” However, Kingman clarified, they really enable each other because that’s “how they’ve learned to feel wanted, and to avoid dealing with their own insecurity and self-esteem issues.”
Below, he shared specific signs of a codependent relationship, what you can do and what a healthy relationship looks like.
Signs of Codependent Relationships:
“Then because the partner devalues you, you devalue yourself.”
Kingman described it in this way: “If he or she treats me well,
I feel good about myself, but if he or she treats me bad,
I feel bad about myself.”
Some people believe the emotional pain in these kinds of relationships is simply a reflection of their love for each other, he said. However, “healthy love doesn’t cause pain; it heals pain.”
Another common myth about codependent relationships is that partners enable each other’s self-destructive ways out of “love and altruism.” However, Kingman clarified, they really enable each other because that’s “how they’ve learned to feel wanted, and to avoid dealing with their own insecurity and self-esteem issues.”
Below, he shared specific signs of a codependent relationship, what you can do and what a healthy relationship looks like.
Signs of Codependent Relationships:
- You enable your partner’s unhealthy behaviors, and they enable yours.
- You minimize your needs and preferences.
- Instead of growing together, you deteriorate together.
- You feel increasingly bad about yourself.
- Your mood and self-respect are dictated by your partner’s mood and behavior.
- You feel devalued or disrespected by your partner.
- You feel frustrated or angry about how you’re being treated but you don’t speak up. Instead you “waffle between fight — getting into conflicts — or flight — keeping [your feelings to yourself].”
- You feel ashamed and embarrassed about what’s really going on in your relationship.
“Then because the partner devalues you, you devalue yourself.”
Kingman described it in this way: “If he or she treats me well,
I feel good about myself, but if he or she treats me bad,
I feel bad about myself.”
theyve been nearly daily.. but i sure when stress gets less itll get better
yea well my perception is that marriage is a commitment that includes that the partner leaves the family, becoming one flesh and staying together
There was no cool ceremony in the garden of eden. The only paper was the divorce letter in the days of moses.
thats just me tho. (pokes)
yea lets make a thread about that. thats a good idea
okay well sis if you think that then please define me the biblical definition of what marriage is and how it happens etc
Maybe we can start another thread on that sis? I dont want to get into a drawn out explanation here. God wont bless a relationship that is in sin. But again,lets start another thread on that.I hope your headaches are better btw <3
yea well my perception is that marriage is a commitment that includes that the partner leaves the family, becoming one flesh and staying together
There was no cool ceremony in the garden of eden. The only paper was the divorce letter in the days of moses.
thats just me tho.
(pokes)yea lets make a thread about that. thats a good idea
okay well sis if you think that then please define me the biblical definition of what marriage is and how it happens etc Maybe we can start another thread on that sis? I dont want to get into a drawn out explanation here. God wont bless a relationship that is in sin. But again,lets start another thread on that.I hope your headaches are better btw <3
Well the abuse isn't love obviously. The love is her patiently staying with him while he is in prison, the love is her staying committed to him and living with him, the love is her being with him through thick and thin. He is a lucky man, but the problem is, he doesn't understand that. He does not love her and so he does not trust her, he maltreats her. So the best solution would be for him to open his eyes and to love her and to commit to loving her. If that is not possible, the next best solution is for her to go back to her parents.
Cultivating Inter-dependence
A healthy relationship is inter-dependent. This means that partners take care of themselves and each other, Kingman said.
“Inter-dependency is about creating a relationship that is mutually satisfying to both partners, where partners give and receive and rely on each other (relatively) equally.”
Of course, sometimes, one partner will carry a heavier load, but over time each partner contributes equally to the relationship, he said. “This is one of the ongoing creative challenges of relationships and requires regular communication.”
When Kingman works with couples he suggests they reflect on these questions with curiosity, honesty and respect:
If you are in a codependent relationship, remember that you can recover. Start by seeking out helpful resources, such as books, websites or professional help. By changing how you relate to yourself and to others, you can build a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Same source.
A healthy relationship is inter-dependent. This means that partners take care of themselves and each other, Kingman said.
“Inter-dependency is about creating a relationship that is mutually satisfying to both partners, where partners give and receive and rely on each other (relatively) equally.”
Of course, sometimes, one partner will carry a heavier load, but over time each partner contributes equally to the relationship, he said. “This is one of the ongoing creative challenges of relationships and requires regular communication.”
When Kingman works with couples he suggests they reflect on these questions with curiosity, honesty and respect:
- What’s working well, and what needs some improvement, in our relationship?
- What do we need and want from each other at this stage of our relationship?
- What do you think is required of me to be a better partner in this relationship?
If you are in a codependent relationship, remember that you can recover. Start by seeking out helpful resources, such as books, websites or professional help. By changing how you relate to yourself and to others, you can build a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Same source.
J
yes as she was hitting him and holding onto his shirt in his house where she already destroyed his property
more of a crazed scream than request and he was bleeding
she was definitely what started the situation
sure he couldve walked away and been better than her but instead he lowered himself to her level
im not saying what he did was right or justifying it like you seem to be implying
im saying if hes done something bad
and there wasnt a reason for it (never an acceptable reason for that on either side man or woman)
its something i never experienced
it says what would i do in a situation i have little information on
so i pulled to personal experience
saying she might also be twisted
and caused what was a non violent person to fall to her level
then lies to friends about it looking for help
because ive never seen an abusive man who didnt have an equally abusive wife and this information isnt comming from one of the two sources i answered honestly
"id leave if what she says is true when he wasnt around, but if she cant prove his violence it may cause more harm than good" paraphrased
more of a crazed scream than request and he was bleeding
she was definitely what started the situation
sure he couldve walked away and been better than her but instead he lowered himself to her level
im not saying what he did was right or justifying it like you seem to be implying
im saying if hes done something bad
and there wasnt a reason for it (never an acceptable reason for that on either side man or woman)
its something i never experienced
it says what would i do in a situation i have little information on
so i pulled to personal experience
saying she might also be twisted
and caused what was a non violent person to fall to her level
then lies to friends about it looking for help
because ive never seen an abusive man who didnt have an equally abusive wife and this information isnt comming from one of the two sources i answered honestly
"id leave if what she says is true when he wasnt around, but if she cant prove his violence it may cause more harm than good" paraphrased
K
Yes but what Im saying is she is codependent, she's with him because she feels she can't do any better.She's not in love at all,she thinks she is but really she isn't.And if she was healthy she would leave and it he would likely do the same if he were healthy. They would both realize they got together for the wrong reasons and there really was nothing there to begin with.
J
less assume she isnt abusive
and its a one sided thing
doesnt make staying a better option
my initial point is still correct
if she cant prove it
and he isnt imprisioned
now shes stuck with an ANGRY abusive man
unless they lock up men at face value for claims of stuff that may have happened months prior now
and its a one sided thing
doesnt make staying a better option
my initial point is still correct
if she cant prove it
and he isnt imprisioned
now shes stuck with an ANGRY abusive man
unless they lock up men at face value for claims of stuff that may have happened months prior now
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K
No,according to your story she seemed to be in the wrong and he should have called the police on her.There is abuse from a woman to a man and that is also wrong. But he needed to walk away and call for help.
I had a couple that lived with my family where the husband was abusive,his wife was scared to death of him. He told my parents a sob story when his wife left him and my parents said he could live with us for a time. Well when he talked his wife into coming back,he started going to church and Bible studies,we found out that he was an abuser and he hit her. My mother was not very pleased but they had no place to go so she allowed them to stay till their house was built. One day they had an argument and he went to hit her and she said she would scream for my mother if he did. He was scared to death of my mother who is 5ft nothing. She lived with him all of her life in misery. She had been a model,had gone mining for gold in Australia,had traveled all over and was so talented but this man had a hold on her. Even her daughter couldn't convince her to leave. I saw on FB that she died this past year and it made me cry. She never could get out from under her abuser,she lived a sad life.
J
geez
how old is this girl? the one this post is about?
why cant she move and skip town?
does she have any work history?
if shes just a constant victim why wouldnt she leave?
how can you be scared enough to stay
while not being scared enough to leave
the mentality does not make sense to me
i dont understand if what she says is true
there are many people who wouldnt treat her like that
how old is this girl? the one this post is about?
why cant she move and skip town?
does she have any work history?
if shes just a constant victim why wouldnt she leave?
how can you be scared enough to stay
while not being scared enough to leave
the mentality does not make sense to me
i dont understand if what she says is true
there are many people who wouldnt treat her like that
How is she not in love at all? She stayed with him through thick and thin. That's love. She could have left him easy peasy while he was in jail. So she loves him, that's certain. He just needs to love her more. The better thing is they stay together and he reforms his ways. The next thing is she goes back to her family and remains single the rest of her life. I would rather they stay together and that the man learns to love her, because then two souls are made whole rather than just one, but I can understand if that is not possible. Always gotta hope for the best and hope that what will be done to them is done to yourself and what you would do to yourself to be done to them.
It is addiction and this has been mentioned already, they are both addicted and the situation will not change of itself; they need help and lots of it, but the guy is NOT going to ask for help or even think he needs any if he is allowed to get away with what he has been doing, and so far, HE HAS BEEN! If you do not understand addiction you would not understand their sick and twisted relationship. That is what makes it sin and idolatry. The guy is hooked on feeling powerful when really he is a scared little boy acting tough to mask his insecurity, and the woman is thinking the guy loves her when really her life is in danger because the guy she thinks loves her really actually hates her for showing him his vulnerability. He has to control her to stop feeling his feelings of not measuring up to other men.