I don't know if anyone else has this problem but I feel like I'm often taken for granted and people don't provide me with enough support back. This is particularly true with my wife and daughter. I think I'm very supportive to them but everytime it comes to my needs, it's like extracting teeth. I've talked to a counselor and he thinks I shouldn't try so hard to please and be comfortable doing things just to please myself. But shouldn't the people you love, love you back? Like I just had a conversation with my daughter and it's like talking to a wall. I got upset and she said I was being over sensitive. Let's say I am. Do I ignore my needs to be supported? How?
Being taken for granted?
- Thread starter seapanda
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D
"Ask for what you need, and need what you ask for." <----old adage from my drug rehab days.
So, here's the thing -- when do you ask, how do you ask, and do you need what you ask for?
In my mind it comes in those categories. I don't ask hubby to go to the store for me to pick up something I need, unless I'm too sick to get it and it really is a need.
I won't ask him to get me some chocolate, simply because I feel like some, but don't want to get it, kind of thing. Tampons? ONLY if I was too sick to get them and really need them -- back in those days. lol And, even if I needed tampons, (and I pick that specifically because that's the last thing anyone -- man or woman -- wants to buy at the store. And I know it's even worse for guys), I'm going to kindly ask him "if you don't mind too much." I'm not going to say, "Go get me some." There is an attitude for asking, that needs to be polite, respectful, and an open-door if the person doesn't want to under any condition.
But there is asking. Do you ask? Or do you demand?
Which brings me back to when do you ask, how do you ask, and do you need what you ask for?
Because I really am not going to back up my husband if he starts a fight with someone over something stupid. Nor do I expect him to defend me, if I do the same thing. Maybe take the other to the hospital afterward, but sticking up for someone no matter what? That's not in the marriage contract nor the family contract.
Oh, and BTW, your daughter doesn't owe you. The parent contract is "we will raise you up the best we can, and when you're old enough you're on your own free and clear. We're here for advice or emergencies, but you don't owe us anything for what we did."
So, here's the thing -- when do you ask, how do you ask, and do you need what you ask for?
In my mind it comes in those categories. I don't ask hubby to go to the store for me to pick up something I need, unless I'm too sick to get it and it really is a need.
I won't ask him to get me some chocolate, simply because I feel like some, but don't want to get it, kind of thing. Tampons? ONLY if I was too sick to get them and really need them -- back in those days. lol And, even if I needed tampons, (and I pick that specifically because that's the last thing anyone -- man or woman -- wants to buy at the store. And I know it's even worse for guys), I'm going to kindly ask him "if you don't mind too much." I'm not going to say, "Go get me some." There is an attitude for asking, that needs to be polite, respectful, and an open-door if the person doesn't want to under any condition.
But there is asking. Do you ask? Or do you demand?
Which brings me back to when do you ask, how do you ask, and do you need what you ask for?
Because I really am not going to back up my husband if he starts a fight with someone over something stupid. Nor do I expect him to defend me, if I do the same thing. Maybe take the other to the hospital afterward, but sticking up for someone no matter what? That's not in the marriage contract nor the family contract.
Oh, and BTW, your daughter doesn't owe you. The parent contract is "we will raise you up the best we can, and when you're old enough you're on your own free and clear. We're here for advice or emergencies, but you don't owe us anything for what we did."
When did SeaPanda have control of his family? Love is a voluntary venture or one is taking hostages, no two ways about it. So, if your needs are not being met in your family, and they seem insensitive to the fact that they take your love for granted, then they are under the delusion that they don't need you. Withdraw. Get busy doing other things with other people where it is not an issue.
G
I would ask if you are making your needs known? People aren't mind readers. If you need them to listen to you talk about your problems, you should say to your wife "I really need you to listen to me talk about my concerns..." If you need to spend time with your daughter, you should say "I feel like we are growing apart and I need you to spend quality time with me" or if you need a date with your wife, "I need to go out with you, just us." I mean, if they don't know there is a problem, they can't really do anything to remedy the situation. They may be neglecting you because they think you need to be alone, because you don't tell them what it is you need.
Communicate your needs if you want them met. They're not just going to "figure it out".
Communicate your needs if you want them met. They're not just going to "figure it out".
Thank you everyone. You're awesome. I get it that my daughter don't owe me anything and I'm not looking for that. I'm just looking for some responses that show they care. For example, let's say I tell them I want to buy a car. And I have my eye on this beautiful red sportscar. So, I tell them about it but I don't get the response I need. My daughter is completely silent, neither aye nor nay. And my wife is like, you are always thinking about yourself or something and we'll end up quarreling. And I'll end up not buying the car or buying the car she wants. We don't have a proper conversation about things. It'll be nice if we can talk things over and I end up doing something that we're all happy about. I feel like my wife doesn't understand my needs and my daughter simply doesn't care. I know they do love me, we're not that dysfunctional as a family. And, to be honest, I'm the more supportive person in the family - financially, physically (I do a lot of the housework, shopping, etc.) and emotionally. I'm always telling them they can do what they like and I'm always supportive of what they want to do. But when it comes to my needs, it's like such an imposition on them. I don't know. I'm not explaining myself very well here. Maybe that's the problem. I don't know how to communicate my needs.
D
A red sports car? That's the not-supportive you're upset about?
Really, your daughter said nothing, because it had nothing to do with her. You're a grown man, so don't need her blessing. And, on top of that as a daughter of a father who went off and bought a Sportster, (biggest Harley on the road back then), I kept my mouth shut because he's a grown man, and I didn't want to play the part of his mommy saying how dangerous it was. (Sure enough, he got hurt on a Jersey Circle. People just don't see motorcycles, and circles are dangerous anyway.)
As for your wife? No kidding! If my husband tells me he's going to spend big bucks for something just for him that has no purpose other than to make him feel good about himself, I'm taking exception to that. Doesn't matter what it is, but the less needed, the bigger my exception will be.
Now if he talked it over with me, explained why, and money wasn't a problem, he might be able to change my mind. On the other hand, right now, I think I can prove more cons to buying a red sports car than he could give me pros. The biggest thing is not talking it over with me, merely telling me! I can guarantee, (if we had that kind of money to waste), I'd end up with a new car in that game too.
No, your problem isn't you don't know how to communicate your needs. Your first problem seems to be you don't know how to communicate all right. The second problem is you don't seem to understand the difference between need and want. (No one "needs" a red sports car, unless they drive in races for a living.) And your third problem is you don't seem to care what they want one way or another so it's all fine with you.
You completely lost me when I found out this was all about a red sports car. And, honestly, sounds like you found a wing-man instead of a counselor. Someone to tell you that you're all right no matter what, and everyone else is wrong.
Really, your daughter said nothing, because it had nothing to do with her. You're a grown man, so don't need her blessing. And, on top of that as a daughter of a father who went off and bought a Sportster, (biggest Harley on the road back then), I kept my mouth shut because he's a grown man, and I didn't want to play the part of his mommy saying how dangerous it was. (Sure enough, he got hurt on a Jersey Circle. People just don't see motorcycles, and circles are dangerous anyway.)
As for your wife? No kidding! If my husband tells me he's going to spend big bucks for something just for him that has no purpose other than to make him feel good about himself, I'm taking exception to that. Doesn't matter what it is, but the less needed, the bigger my exception will be.
Now if he talked it over with me, explained why, and money wasn't a problem, he might be able to change my mind. On the other hand, right now, I think I can prove more cons to buying a red sports car than he could give me pros. The biggest thing is not talking it over with me, merely telling me! I can guarantee, (if we had that kind of money to waste), I'd end up with a new car in that game too.
No, your problem isn't you don't know how to communicate your needs. Your first problem seems to be you don't know how to communicate all right. The second problem is you don't seem to understand the difference between need and want. (No one "needs" a red sports car, unless they drive in races for a living.) And your third problem is you don't seem to care what they want one way or another so it's all fine with you.
You completely lost me when I found out this was all about a red sports car. And, honestly, sounds like you found a wing-man instead of a counselor. Someone to tell you that you're all right no matter what, and everyone else is wrong.
J
greed troubles one's household,though nothing wrong with trying to see how the household feels about this because it's just terrible to buy something for alot of money and expect everyone to just go along with it,more importantly see about if you need food,clothes,or other "necessities"before getting your hopes up for something you want,and yeah it's great to know if your family cares for you but basing your love for them on what you do that is "needed" is pretty petty which may be why your family is giving you the rolled eyes,because you may be making it out to be that you can go on without what you desire,which of course they know you can,so don't get fixated on things that are "luxuries" instead of "necessities" and try to not focus so much on wanting some love for what you do all the time,especially with children because you are the parent so naturally they'll expect that you don't mind to do things for them,like laundry etc,but that doesn't inspire love,trust,caring,understanding,and gratefulness inspire love,so try to think again on it are you sure they are the ones not caring for you or your desire,or are you placing a desire above caring for and spending time with your family,because mere works,like chores don't make a loving household,the actions you or they do from the heart make a loving household,and if you try this and nothing works out,then divorce and move out,because a house divided against itself cannot stand,you can't have an authority over the household if they've stopped caring about,so simply move on.
Hi Seapanda,
It sounds like you serve your family well. Rejoice in that because that’s what we’re called to do is to serve one another; especially our own families.
If it’s not reciprocated, it may be that you may have overly served them (served them too well) and they’ve become use to it. It sounds like you’ve spoiled them and they’re nice and cozy with the arrangement.
Now that you’re wanting some change in the relationship, they’re like, “What’s wrong with you? ‘We’re not different, you are!”
And if I am understanding incorrectly, forgive me ahead of time.
And I don't agree, your daughter and wife owe you love which means that they are to honor and respect you.
So what’s happened is that you’ve not held them accountable in the relationship. A relationship is a two way street and you keep giving without expecting anything in return, but in a family there needs to be realistic expectations of one another. The relationship is lopsided.
If this is the way it is, maybe you can explain that to the both of them. Have some family time and share a pizza together with some ice cream afterwards and maybe let them know you’d like to speak with them.
Let them know where you’ve failed as a father and a husband. But first you need to know where you’ve failed.
For the husband/dad, they are the role model as they lead the family so if you’re doing something wrong, and the relationship is heading south, you’re the one that needs to take the initiative to help them head back in the right direction.
They also need to see where they’ve failed as well. This is where it may take a pastor’s intervention or elders of the church. Anyone that's gifted in being able to see family issues and offer advice along with Godly counsel.
You may want to share your situation with one of the leaders in you’re church to make sure you’re seeing the issues correctly. And then they can help guide all of you in the right direction. But it will probably take time so there's needs to be love and patience during the healing process.
It sounds like you serve your family well. Rejoice in that because that’s what we’re called to do is to serve one another; especially our own families.
If it’s not reciprocated, it may be that you may have overly served them (served them too well) and they’ve become use to it. It sounds like you’ve spoiled them and they’re nice and cozy with the arrangement.
Now that you’re wanting some change in the relationship, they’re like, “What’s wrong with you? ‘We’re not different, you are!”
And if I am understanding incorrectly, forgive me ahead of time.
And I don't agree, your daughter and wife owe you love which means that they are to honor and respect you.
So what’s happened is that you’ve not held them accountable in the relationship. A relationship is a two way street and you keep giving without expecting anything in return, but in a family there needs to be realistic expectations of one another. The relationship is lopsided.
If this is the way it is, maybe you can explain that to the both of them. Have some family time and share a pizza together with some ice cream afterwards and maybe let them know you’d like to speak with them.
Let them know where you’ve failed as a father and a husband. But first you need to know where you’ve failed.
For the husband/dad, they are the role model as they lead the family so if you’re doing something wrong, and the relationship is heading south, you’re the one that needs to take the initiative to help them head back in the right direction.
They also need to see where they’ve failed as well. This is where it may take a pastor’s intervention or elders of the church. Anyone that's gifted in being able to see family issues and offer advice along with Godly counsel.
You may want to share your situation with one of the leaders in you’re church to make sure you’re seeing the issues correctly. And then they can help guide all of you in the right direction. But it will probably take time so there's needs to be love and patience during the healing process.
I think that he was just using the red sports car as a hypothetical example.
I think that you Mr. OP need to get your family into counseling immidiatly because I can understand you perfectly fine,you are communication is A1.
If you really are doing most everything in the family and not even being appreciated for it then that is wrong.
Sorry about my first response as I was being sarcastic,you probably won't lose your family because after all who's going to be there for them if you were gone.
Usually this happens to housewives because people think that because they spend most of their time at home that it's not a real job.
Are you a house husband by any chance?
I think that you Mr. OP need to get your family into counseling immidiatly because I can understand you perfectly fine,you are communication is A1.
If you really are doing most everything in the family and not even being appreciated for it then that is wrong.
Sorry about my first response as I was being sarcastic,you probably won't lose your family because after all who's going to be there for them if you were gone.
Usually this happens to housewives because people think that because they spend most of their time at home that it's not a real job.
Are you a house husband by any chance?
I'm in the same situation. I cooked and cleaned for free cheerfully, willingly, and spent two hundred dollars on this person, and I'm very poor and now have nine dollars left until two more weeks. But when asked if I could do a load of laundry at their house, they want to charge me for it. That's just one example, it happens all the time. It's like you said- it's like pulling teeth for the little I ask for when I give greatly.
First of all, the good you do you do for God. And the contrast of love you show will do one of two things. Either it will soften their heart, or be witness against them come judgement day. It is the test we all must pass, but most don't. "If you see your brother in need and have no pity, how can the love of God be in you."
The love of God is not in most people, so they can't respond with love. To see a need and repond to it is to be respond-sible. Those who don't respond are self-centered and greedy. They need to pass the test themselves, you can't pass it for them. Just keep passing your own test, and hope your influence triggers a response in them someday.
S
Yes people you love should love you back but givers often attract takers. Sounds like you are giving and not setting boundaries, expecting in return and not receiving. I have been there. A good Christian counselor will help you to establish an intimate relationship with the Lord first of all and to receive your joy and confidence and well being from Him when others do not lift you up as well as learning not to offer "help" unless asked for it. Victory ( I Cor 15:57) comes from seeking your worth first in Christ. If family members cannot or will not encourage you, find fellowship with God and other friends who will. Even Jesus did not chase after people to heal them or help them, and He certainly did not get much in return from those he helped ( 9 lepers. only 1 came back to say thanks for the healing). Ask yourself, "Am I doing for others hoping they will also do for me?" although this is common it is a chance to set yourself up for disappointment... read about co-dependency and ask for healing... read the books about Boundaries in marriage and in families. Sometimes those who do " too much" actually foster ingratitude instead of return. Let your fruit (Gal 5:22-23) be sweet but give for the Lord not for return, and start respecting yourself enough to find a well of encouragement in a full well not a dry one, even if it is family. I Cor 15:57 I am praying for your victory!
Sounds like you have a normal family ... Everyone feels unappreciated and taken for granted. That's par for the course, but its also normal to occasionally crave some positive feedback. Don't feel a need to become a high maintenance person who needs attention, that's an unattractive trait that no one appreciates. As long as no one takes advantage of you, don't expect adulation for everything you do, it will only leave you disappointed. And remember, when you don't get the response or support that you expect and probably deserve, its not necessarily because people don't care, they just aren't interested. They're often just too preoccupied with their own problems to focus on others. They may also presume that your as solid as a rock, so they don't think you need the emotional confirmation or support that they get from you. I know how hard it is to pry a response out of someone, talking to a wall would be less stressful
... Everyone feels unappreciated and taken for granted. That's par for the course, but its also normal to occasionally crave some positive feedback. Don't feel a need to become a high maintenance person who needs attention, that's an unattractive trait that no one appreciates. As long as no one takes advantage of you, don't expect adulation for everything you do, it will only leave you disappointed. And remember, when you don't get the response or support that you expect and probably deserve, its not necessarily because people don't care, they just aren't interested. They're often just too preoccupied with their own problems to focus on others. They may also presume that your as solid as a rock, so they don't think you need the emotional confirmation or support that they get from you. I know how hard it is to pry a response out of someone, talking to a wall would be less stressful
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No, Lynn, it's not about a red sports car. I used it as an arbitrary example to highlight the dynamics. I kinda think it's a good thing to be able to talk things over, whatever it may be. I don't understand why we have to be so competitive. Your response is also a good example of what I think shouldn't happen. Why can't we be kinder to one another? Why can't we express our concern in a positive way? Sounds like (a) you thought your daddy was being childish to want to buy a Harley and (b) when he got into an accident, your thoughts were basically, serve you right, you idiot. Is it so hard to just show your concern and tell your daddy not to buy a motorbike because you'd be worried about him, or that you think, even for someone younger than him (i.e. you), the roads are quite unsafe? Why must your husband prove you wrong? Why can't you just tell him you don't want to be seen in a red sports car with him because you think it gives off the wrong message? Why can't you tell him what kind of man you think he is to you, what you love about him, and what kind of car suits your image of him? You really don't think there's anything wrong with this? I don't talk to my daughter or wife this way. I don't let them do what they want if I think it's wrong. I share my concern but let them decide for themselves. And I support them whichever way they decide. I'd like them to respond to me in the same way. Is that so wrong?
I think you're on the right track, Desertrose. But it's really hard to talk to them at this stage. You hit the nail right on the head when you said, they haven't changed, I have. So, why should they change to accommodate my needs? Things are very comfortable for them. I don't want this to become a family crisis but to be a transition carried out with love. I don't want to hurt them but I do need to be loved in return.
G
You need to tell them what you need and how you need to be loved. Maybe your love language is having them listen to you and talking to you. They will listen. Tell them you feel unappreciated and unloved, and you need their attention. Tell them you feel unnecessary, sort of superannuated in the family. Sometimes, people don't even realize when they're isolating someone. Our modern society is so distracted now by so many different things. Families are not talking to each other anymore. I know, I am guilty of this myself.