Sad and confused

[Gki89]

My relationship is in jeopardy. I've been in a relationship for five years, have one 4 year old child and a six year old stepdaughter. I met my boyfriend at work and we started seeing his daughter when she was two. Now I stay at home while he works. His daughters mother has not liked me since day one. His daughter lives with her maternal grandmother. He was going through rehab when I met him and there he found Jesus and changed his ways. Her mother was on and off drugs. Sometimes I don't know if I'm in an abusive relationship or if I'm over reacting. He has trust issues. He controls finances and doesn't let me go anywhere without him. He is picky about what I wear too. No shorts. And he disciplines our 4 year old, but doesn't like to discipline his six year old. He says her mother tells her to act up purposely and its not fair for her to take the heat for her mom. My boyfriend tells me I've got it made but don't know anymore any suggestions.

 

[tourist]

Your boyfriend is controlling and that is a form of abuse. There was no mention of God in your post and that might be the main problem that you are really facing. You definitely don't have it made. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding. Several members may offer wise counsel for you to consider. There are other members facing similar situations. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.

 

[blue_ladybug]

To begin with, you're living in sin and having pre-marital sex. So that is strike one against you. Strike two is having kids with this guy, because you now have an innocent child dragged into this mess. :/ This guy sounds like an insecure, controlling, irresponsible mama's boy.. And that's strike 3. I don't see why he says you have it made. From my viewpoint, you don't have ANYTHING good from this relationship, except for your child..

My suggestion is to stop living with him, stop having sex, and dump him. No good will come from this relationship.

 

[Gki89]

Thank you we do bible study together I think his role on women is confused. He has been in many bad relationships and thinks that if I have some freedom I'm going to be talking to a bunch of guys. I would never do that to him.

 

[Seekingfamily]

Yes, it is unhealthy. He is not over his hurt! So sad about your little one, the turmoil they must have. Wonder why they see punishment, and not the other. Children, don't see it the same as an adult, they only see the difference in treatment..which causes hate, and jealousy. I am crying now...prayers for guidance, and clarity...much love!

 

[blue_ladybug]

Someday his behavior will go from controlling and picky, to outright accusations of you cheating on him, whether it's true or not.. My last relationship was physically abusive, he'd accuse of having sex with other guys, even though I hadn't. When I finally ended it, he tried to strangle me. :/ His abusive behavior WILL escalate, I'm positive of that. And it may not only be you he abuses, it'll be your kid too. If you value your life and love your kid, leave him NOW..

Thank you we do bible study together I think his role on women is confused. He has been in many bad relationships and thinks that if I have some freedom I'm going to be talking to a bunch of guys. I would never do that to him.

 

[Gki89]

Yeah I guess I was a little scared. I'm sorry your last relationship was abusive. I definently dont want it to get worse. Thank you for your response.

 

[Gki89]

I just hope whatever happens she will have a good relationship with her dad.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Hopefully yes, but she (and you) shouldn't have to be subjected to his abuse.

I just hope whatever happens she will have a good relationship with her dad.

 

[Depleted]

Thank you we do bible study together I think his role on women is confused. He has been in many bad relationships and thinks that if I have some freedom I'm going to be talking to a bunch of guys. I would never do that to him.

Okay. So you say he found Jesus and changed. That's a plus.

But how? I'm guessing he's not doing drugs anymore. (That's a plus too.) But besides that? What has changed about him? (I'm asking because you would probably know if he's muscling through no-drugs, or he changed enough that drugs no longer urge him.)

Then? What about you? He's come to the Lord. Have you? And, yeah, I get you're on a Christian forum, and you do Bible Studies together, but I was religious most of my life even before being saved, so it doesn't necessarily mean you've come to know God and want to live your life for him.

Either way -- whether you are or aren't a believer, and whether he is freed from his addiction or muscling through, might I make a suggestion you both could use? You need to find a GOOD church! A good one. A church that teaches the Bible, as in verse by verse, chapter by chapter. (I find those churches teach much more than the usual handful of sermons other churches keep repeating.) I'll give you a few denominations that teach Bible, at the end here.

And part of the reason you both need a GOOD church is because you're both muscling through this thing with God. It seems like both of you think if you do A, B, C, and D, because God would want you to do them, then you get whatever you consider a "good life." A, B, C, and D changes depending on which person you talk to. For instance, even now your main concern is you have to get this relationship back together, and his main concern seems to be that he's providing for his family, so what else could be needed?

See where that starts getting all mucked up? There's a reason for that. Had you two been in a church already, someone, by now, would have gotten you two married (or separated. One or the other, though it sounds like married is the better choice. But, understand this is simply from what I know so far, and I don't know much about you and your relationship.) You haven't talked marriage at all. You haven't talked God at all. (Bible Study together isn't the same as talking about God. Right ball park, just not quite there.)

You both need someone to teach you about the God of that Bible, about what he wants, about what you want to give him, and about what your family needs and wants. And we CANNOT do that on here. We can try, but you see how confusing that is.

You both need someone in real life to help you learn about God and marriage and living in Christ. Not one of those things you can learn in three pages of posts on a Christian forum.

BUT stuff you can learn if you find a GOOD church.

And how do you find that GOOD church? By asking folks which churches are good, and why. (Doable online.) And then contacting those churches to see if you and bf (hopefully soon husband) can get counseling. Because, along with teaching the entire Bible another sign you've found that a church is GOOD is when they will take the time to help someone long-term. And you two need long-term help. (Third sign you found a good church is that you can help others in that church as much as they help you. At least a large chunk of people are willing to work together to further God's kingdom. Just for future reference.)

Some of your issues can be resolved quickly. (Like marriage, and the roles of husband, wife, father, mother, children, etc.) Some will take longer. (Like both of you come from backgrounds that headed you right to being a gf/bf/with mixed family before getting married.)

So, let me tell now three denominations I know well enough to know there is a good likelihood they will help you and guaranteed they do teach straight from the Bible.

Presbyterian Church in America. (PCA. My denom, so personal experience, and free promotion to something I like. lol)

Orthodox Presbyterian. (OP. Although my denom and OP can't agree on some of the smaller doctrinal issues, I can guarantee their heart is to follow God too. AND, they're good people.)

Reformed Presbyterian. (RF. Not sure if that's still a denomination, but they were good people when I knew them too.)

If there is anyway of talking your BF into getting help, (not professional counseling, but definitely pastoral counseling, which might be easy for your BF to accept, since he did go through rehab), try and talk him into finding such a church together. I suspect that will help you both in more and better ways an online forum of well-meaning people can ever do.

Yeah, you both made some mistakes, but they weren't all bad mistakes. You have two children. Those children weren't mistakes. They were given to you to care for by God himself. The thing you both need most is to learn how. And neither one of you were taught that well enough before to do that yet, but it is teachable. And when you learn that, you also learn how to love each other, and how to have a better family. God can do all that. He teaches love. We just have to learn how to give it better and receive it better.

 

[Depleted]

Someday his behavior will go from controlling and picky, to outright accusations of you cheating on him, whether it's true or not.. My last relationship was physically abusive, he'd accuse of having sex with other guys, even though I hadn't. When I finally ended it, he tried to strangle me. :/ His abusive behavior WILL escalate, I'm positive of that. And it may not only be you he abuses, it'll be your kid too. If you value your life and love your kid, leave him NOW..

I once met a man who didn't have a fingernail on one of his fingers. That doesn't mean all men are missing one fingernail.

Yes, you had an abusive relationship with some idiot, (and he was an idiot, since he abused you), but that doesn't mean all men are abusive. I wish you'd get that concept instead of keep preaching all men are missing one fingernail/are controlling and abusive.

 

[Depleted]

Yeah I guess I was a little scared. I'm sorry your last relationship was abusive. I definently dont want it to get worse. Thank you for your response.

Just because your bf doesn't know how to treat you yet, does not mean give up on him. He can't do what he doesn't know. You both don't know much about good relationships. Don't condemn for ignorance. Once you both know, if he continues what he's doing now, THEN deal with that. Until then, (if there is a "then"), work on gaining the knowledge so the two of you can become a loving, Christian couple and good parents.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I've never said ALL men are abusive.. But the truth is, many are.. and all my exes are idiots..lol

I once met a man who didn't have a fingernail on one of his fingers. That doesn't mean all men are missing one fingernail.

Yes, you had an abusive relationship with some idiot, (and he was an idiot, since he abused you), but that doesn't mean all men are abusive. I wish you'd get that concept instead of keep preaching all men are missing one fingernail/are controlling and abusive.

 

[notuptome]

I've never said ALL men are abusive.. But the truth is, many are.. and all my exes are idiots..lol

Ah but not all idiots are your exes.

To expect God to bless a relationship like this one is idiotic. God does not bless when we behave badly. No marriage no sex. No children outside of marriage.

A word of advice. Don't marry drug abusers. You deserve better.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[laura_charlotte]

There's a world of wrong in everything you've written. You shouldn't be investing in someone who hasn't married you for five years, much less sleeping with them, have had a child with them or arguably worse - being used to take care of their family with someone else. You have no formal commitment from them, you have no financial support them, you're being used high and dry and you've allowed them to manipulate you into deceptively believing that this is 'as good as it gets'.

God's will for our life is perfect. While there will always be disagreement with your spouse over some things, He absolutely does not set us up with this type of abuse. I'd encourage you to open your bible, start reading and studying about His perfect will for all of us. Jeremiah 29:11 would be an ideal place for you to start. You deserve so much better than this according to His Word, invite God into your life and I promise you, you will establish it for yourself.

 

[Angela53510]

This is a classic case of abuse, and it will grow, Blueladybug is right about this. I don't care if you study the Bible or go to church. The minute a Significant Other tries to control your behaviour, is the minute you can call it an abusive relationship.

And speaking of Significant Others, since you are not married, you might as well leave while you can. Get a separation agreement, so he is obligated to support your kids. And you will have to find a job yourself. Sadly, you cannot expect someone you were not married to, to support you. (If you had lots of money, you could probably find a way to force him to give you money, but since you do not, I doubt you will get "spousal" support!)

God does not want you to be in an abusive marriage, in the hopes he will change. If he will not acknowledge what he is doing is wrong, how will he change? He is victim blaming, and these things get much worse. I have taken courses on domestic violence and counselled people. These were written for and by Christians. When I hear about such controlling behaviour, I just want to shout, "Get out! Don't be a fool!"

Anyway, you have been told. Don't wait 10 or 20 or 40 years before you wake up and realize he has not changed. This is a deep, deep seated issue, and it sounds like he is in no way willing to change. As for you having it so good, turn that around. He gets a housekeeper, free sex, and a door mat. You get him paying the bills, and not a penny to your name. That keeps you helpless and dependent on him. Your confidence about yourself will erode more and more, until you don't know who you are!

Personally, I could care less about his issues, let him work it out with God. This is a recipe for continuing and worse abuse. Go to a women's shelter, before you become so helplessly dependent, that you have lost your soul.

 

[CaptainGoat]

Blue Ladybug. With respect, you are speaking from past experiences which are reflecting in your posts. My concern is that you seem to be trying to break up marriages based on your experiences and not on Gods Word.

[What does Gods word say about marriage? The reason for divorce is if the opposite half has been unfaithful.
It says that if couples part for other reasons that they are not free to marry another. They must remain single or come back together to the one they had left.]

 

[Angela53510]

Blue Ladybug. With respect, you are speaking from past experiences which are reflecting in your posts. My concern is that you seem to be trying to break up marriages based on your experiences and not on Gods Word.

[What does Gods word say about marriage? The reason for divorce is if the opposite half has been unfaithful.
It says that if couples part for other reasons that they are not free to marry another. They must remain single or come back together to the one they had left.]

This is inappropriate! This woman in the OP is not married to this man. She is free to leave, and it is a good thing.

As for speaking from experiences, we all speak from our experiences, good and bad! When we see something that reminds us of something we went through, whether good or bad, we will recall it. Sometimes, a warning is necessary. An abusive relationship is not something God wants anyone to stay in, especially when she is not married to the man!

Perhaps next time, you should read at least the OP, before posting!

 

[Depleted]

I've never said ALL men are abusive.. But the truth is, many are.. and all my exes are idiots..lol

You tell every women who has a guy who doesn't treat her right that they are abusive and get out. That's your go-to answer no matter what.

 

[Depleted]

This is a classic case of abuse, and it will grow, Blueladybug is right about this. I don't care if you study the Bible or go to church. The minute a Significant Other tries to control your behaviour, is the minute you can call it an abusive relationship.

And speaking of Significant Others, since you are not married, you might as well leave while you can. Get a separation agreement, so he is obligated to support your kids. And you will have to find a job yourself. Sadly, you cannot expect someone you were not married to, to support you. (If you had lots of money, you could probably find a way to force him to give you money, but since you do not, I doubt you will get "spousal" support!)

God does not want you to be in an abusive marriage, in the hopes he will change. If he will not acknowledge what he is doing is wrong, how will he change? He is victim blaming, and these things get much worse. I have taken courses on domestic violence and counselled people. These were written for and by Christians. When I hear about such controlling behaviour, I just want to shout, "Get out! Don't be a fool!"

Anyway, you have been told. Don't wait 10 or 20 or 40 years before you wake up and realize he has not changed. This is a deep, deep seated issue, and it sounds like he is in no way willing to change. As for you having it so good, turn that around. He gets a housekeeper, free sex, and a door mat. You get him paying the bills, and not a penny to your name. That keeps you helpless and dependent on him. Your confidence about yourself will erode more and more, until you don't know who you are!

Personally, I could care less about his issues, let him work it out with God. This is a recipe for continuing and worse abuse. Go to a women's shelter, before you become so helplessly dependent, that you have lost your soul.

Once an abuser, always an abuser UNLESS that abuser becomes saved. This one might have been. Were you acting right after you were saved, or did you have some time involved before finding out, "No way! That's sin too? I never considered that!"

As it stands now, it sounds like it's just the two of them trying to figure out what God wants from Bible study together. They may have the faith, but they've got absolutely no foundation to go with the faith.

Back in my single days, a friend of mine was giving me hints to date her BIL. (And naive me, didn't catch on that's what she was doing until I saw her face when I told her I was engaged. lol) She was subtle in broaching the subject. "Would you ever marry a man if he was married three times before he came to the Lord?"

There is no way I'd ever marry someone in his early 30's who was already married three times. I would marry the same guy, if he was born again, because I know God changes us to his good.

Same thing with this bf. If he has changed to the good, but is still keeping her isolated at home, that's not good, but it's also not hopeless. He had a bum deal growing up, so never learned what a good marriage is. Let him learn. If he doesn't change after that, then worry about this. He is the father of her child. He's also the father of a child she has helped raise, so that's her child too. Don't destroy this family because "once an abuser, always an abuser." After all, God changes us in mighty ways.