A kind of rant

[Blain]

You know I don't know why I am writing this but it's something I have been feeling deeply within my heart. I am an adult age wise but inside I am just a child, it's strange but I still long for what I never had growing up. The love a mother a feeling of acceptance and care no matter how much I mess up, the sense of home and knowing where you belong knowing you are care for deeply.

I can never have that physically in this life because I am no longer a child age wise and also I do not live in a home like that and I can not have a mother and father like that and I cannot experience all of that because that just isn't how life works. But when I think of Jesus and when I think heaven it's only for an instant but I feel somewhere deep inside a small flicker of all that, that one small flicker as quick and small as it is feels deeply profound and.... familiar. I wonder why I am the way I am a lot of the times, I have never liked myself and honestly I am extremely soft in ways that are seen as just cheesy or girly. I cry so easily from happy or sad things I am very compassionate and caring in ways that even other Christians find weird I have a very tender soft and easily bleeding heart many have thought I was gay because this.

Yet even though I myself find it weird I know that this is who I am, I am just a tender soft soul.maybe it's because of this that things like loving parents and a sense of home mean so much to me I mean true I went without these things in life but it seems like there more than just that. I tend to treasure things most take for granted and even if people lived without them they might not see them as treasures they desire in heaven because people are different. But even so I cannot help but wonder why those things seem so familiar to me, I have even told father before he seems familiar to me as if I had known him before but can only faintly remember like how when you smell something and it brings back a nostalgic feeling but you have no idea why.

I know that I can't go home for a while and that I won't ever truly have these things until then and as much as I want to go there I have to keep going not because I am unable to go home which is true but there is a reason in my heart that I have to keep going. That feeling of home, the deep love, the knowing of being cared for deeply and having true acceptance, the warmth of loving arms that in that single hug says so many things at once that fills you with warmth..... This is just some of the things I felt in that small flicker and it's the reason I have to keep going, not for myself but so that others can have this.
Even if i can't have this in this life I want others to know this and to have it, I know what it's like to go without these things in life and I cannot bear the thought of others going through that.

I don't know how exactly God and I will do this but I know that it's the very reason why I have to keep going. I didn't seek to be strong in him and in love for myself, it was never about me or going home, I wanted to be strong and to be love above all other things because I wanted others to have it even more so than what I obtained. I do not know what lies ahead in my life i do not know who I am or what I am in him I do not know why I feel these things inside and why they have such a deep profound impact on me but my heart does I think. Something I have noticed in my short journey with god is that things just seem to come instinctively my heart somehow always knows the way and it is able to sometimes resonate with his allowing me to for s brief time sometimes even just a few seconds know what he feels and what he is thinking and what he sees.

This feeling as small of a flicker as it was.... I know where it came from. I cannot express it in words and it brought to mind many questions such as what I asked about the familiar sense of it and of him and the deep desire of wanting everyone to have this same thing... You know he was the first and original parent, and it made me think about mom's and dads. The motherly love and fatherly love both of them had to come from somewhere and last night as I pondered this I recalled how I see mothers lose their children all the time how fathers lose their kids and are overcome with grief sometimes not being able to get back up again. The pain I felt thinking of this was unbearable it was as if I was feeling what such people feel and I couldn't help but hold my stomach and pour tears frantically in anguish, the pain and sadness what I felt inside and the utter anguish dug so deep in my soul that all I could was hold my stomach and just bawl.

These past few days stuff like this has been happening to me, I think because of the tenderness of my heart God sometimes allows me to feel things like that, to resonate with other hearts even if they are very far away kind of like how does with us all the time. I am not sure why I went through that but there is a saying that you cannot understand the pain and sorrow of someone until you put yourself in their shoes, and in that moment to feel the utter anguish and sorrow and soul cutting pain of losing a child even though I have never had one or eve had sex, for that one instant I understood this phrase deeply All I could do was hold my stomach and just pour it all out of my eyes I couldn't move and couldn't stop crying the pain and anguish was so severe the sorrow was bone deep I just couldn't do anything else but weep.


But as I said God being the original parent he must go through this everyday all the time, he loses children left and right and i only felt that pain once he feels it all the time. He is so strong to be able to go through that all the time and yet still be who he is. sorry for the rant I just needed to express what has been going on inside me the past few days

 

[ArtsieSteph]

Honey...I can't even think of what to say...other than God has given you such love, and I pray to God that He gives you people who give that sense of family. Both parentally, and spiritually.

 

[Blain]

Honey...I can't even think of what to say...other than God has given you such love, and I pray to God that He gives you people who give that sense of family. Both parentally, and spiritually.

I sometimes hope that in heaven I have family who has always cared about and adored me and has been watching after me from the beginning and I will have these things i never had.

 

[Magenta]

You are never alone. Losing a child is difficult, even when it may only be
a miscarriage, and a still birth even more so. The world we inhabit now
is quite tainted by sin; I am so aware that were sin not such a corrupting
influence, we would not even recognize this world, and that uncorrupted
world is what it is meant to be, and what we are promised! Come Lord Jesus.

 

[Depleted]

You know I don't know why I am writing this but it's something I have been feeling deeply within my heart. I am an adult age wise but inside I am just a child, it's strange but I still long for what I never had growing up. The love a mother a feeling of acceptance and care no matter how much I mess up, the sense of home and knowing where you belong knowing you are care for deeply.

I can never have that physically in this life because I am no longer a child age wise and also I do not live in a home like that and I can not have a mother and father like that and I cannot experience all of that because that just isn't how life works. But when I think of Jesus and when I think heaven it's only for an instant but I feel somewhere deep inside a small flicker of all that, that one small flicker as quick and small as it is feels deeply profound and.... familiar. I wonder why I am the way I am a lot of the times, I have never liked myself and honestly I am extremely soft in ways that are seen as just cheesy or girly. I cry so easily from happy or sad things I am very compassionate and caring in ways that even other Christians find weird I have a very tender soft and easily bleeding heart many have thought I was gay because this.

Yet even though I myself find it weird I know that this is who I am, I am just a tender soft soul.maybe it's because of this that things like loving parents and a sense of home mean so much to me I mean true I went without these things in life but it seems like there more than just that. I tend to treasure things most take for granted and even if people lived without them they might not see them as treasures they desire in heaven because people are different. But even so I cannot help but wonder why those things seem so familiar to me, I have even told father before he seems familiar to me as if I had known him before but can only faintly remember like how when you smell something and it brings back a nostalgic feeling but you have no idea why.

I know that I can't go home for a while and that I won't ever truly have these things until then and as much as I want to go there I have to keep going not because I am unable to go home which is true but there is a reason in my heart that I have to keep going. That feeling of home, the deep love, the knowing of being cared for deeply and having true acceptance, the warmth of loving arms that in that single hug says so many things at once that fills you with warmth..... This is just some of the things I felt in that small flicker and it's the reason I have to keep going, not for myself but so that others can have this.
Even if i can't have this in this life I want others to know this and to have it, I know what it's like to go without these things in life and I cannot bear the thought of others going through that.

I don't know how exactly God and I will do this but I know that it's the very reason why I have to keep going. I didn't seek to be strong in him and in love for myself, it was never about me or going home, I wanted to be strong and to be love above all other things because I wanted others to have it even more so than what I obtained. I do not know what lies ahead in my life i do not know who I am or what I am in him I do not know why I feel these things inside and why they have such a deep profound impact on me but my heart does I think. Something I have noticed in my short journey with god is that things just seem to come instinctively my heart somehow always knows the way and it is able to sometimes resonate with his allowing me to for s brief time sometimes even just a few seconds know what he feels and what he is thinking and what he sees.

This feeling as small of a flicker as it was.... I know where it came from. I cannot express it in words and it brought to mind many questions such as what I asked about the familiar sense of it and of him and the deep desire of wanting everyone to have this same thing... You know he was the first and original parent, and it made me think about mom's and dads. The motherly love and fatherly love both of them had to come from somewhere and last night as I pondered this I recalled how I see mothers lose their children all the time how fathers lose their kids and are overcome with grief sometimes not being able to get back up again. The pain I felt thinking of this was unbearable it was as if I was feeling what such people feel and I couldn't help but hold my stomach and pour tears frantically in anguish, the pain and sadness what I felt inside and the utter anguish dug so deep in my soul that all I could was hold my stomach and just bawl.

These past few days stuff like this has been happening to me, I think because of the tenderness of my heart God sometimes allows me to feel things like that, to resonate with other hearts even if they are very far away kind of like how does with us all the time. I am not sure why I went through that but there is a saying that you cannot understand the pain and sorrow of someone until you put yourself in their shoes, and in that moment to feel the utter anguish and sorrow and soul cutting pain of losing a child even though I have never had one or eve had sex, for that one instant I understood this phrase deeply All I could do was hold my stomach and just pour it all out of my eyes I couldn't move and couldn't stop crying the pain and anguish was so severe the sorrow was bone deep I just couldn't do anything else but weep.


But as I said God being the original parent he must go through this everyday all the time, he loses children left and right and i only felt that pain once he feels it all the time. He is so strong to be able to go through that all the time and yet still be who he is. sorry for the rant I just needed to express what has been going on inside me the past few days

How myopic!

You're right. You will never know the feeling of a mother loving you no matter what you do, and that's all you got right out of this.

You don't get a family? Really? Then who is Stephanie? Doesn't she count? And who is your second mom? Doesn't she count? And how many people on here are you inviting to your wedding? Something special when you feel close enough to someone to invite someone you never met to your wedding. Something special, because you are connected to those people that much. So? Want to know another word for all those people? (Steph, Second Mom, folks on here going to your wedding.) "Family!"

Family isn't a biological state of being. It's home! It's where you get love and support even when those people are eye deep in their own grief. And that's a two-way street ever congested with back-and-forth. When they can't support you, you support them. When you can't support them, they support you. And when you and them are down and out, it's still support. Might look like two people with both legs broken trying to use each other as crutches, but the trying keeps them together, not the crutches.

You already have family! It's not perfect, but where in the world does anyone get the idea it's supposed to be perfect? Sort of like looking for the perfect church -- a useless endeavor, since the instant we walk in, it stops being perfect! You've got family! God's given you family, and you're saying it's not enough! Then what is?

And the Father loses children? Since when? No. Not now. Not ever. He gains children! He never loses them, because that's something Jesus promised long ago.

[h=1]John 6:35-40[/h][FONT=&quot]35 Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. 36 But I said to you that you have seen me and yet do not believe. 37 All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out. 38 For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me. 39 And this is the will of him who sent me, that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day. 40 For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.”[/FONT]
When Mom was dying, I mourned so much, my feelings went numb for a couple of months. I couldn't feel sad, happy, angry, anything for about two months. I thought that prepared me for when she did die. Nope. Not an iota. It came as fresh the day that she died as if she had been health but hit by a car. So, no, I have no idea why you spent so much time mourning for people you don't even know either. It wasn't for them. And it wasn't for God, (who never loses one of his children.)

I'm going to ask you a few question that I don't want you to answer to me. I want you to answer them for you.

Think of 15 year old Blain. Did 15 year old Blain have any clue what 25 year old Blain would be like? Where he'd be in ten years? How about 20 year old Blain? (I suspect at least one of those kids never expected Blain to become 25.) How accurate were those views of younger-you? So, what makes you think that 25 year old Blain knows he never gets his family either? Has God ever done anything for you in the way you expected him to do it? If so, you're one up on me!

So, how about stop feeling sorry for yourself and embrace the family God has already given you? I know right now, all three of you are in a mess. You three really are something like people with two broken legs seeking support from each other to walk. You know what it's called when two men with two broken legs try to use each other as crutches? A HUG! Sometimes that is the best kind of support there is. And I know you can't literally hug Stephanie right now, but you sure can hug her. And she can hug you.

Instead of crying over fictitious people, how about loving real ones, like God loves us?

 

[Blain]

How myopic!

You're right. You will never know the feeling of a mother loving you no matter what you do, and that's all you got right out of this.

You don't get a family? Really? Then who is Stephanie? Doesn't she count? And who is your second mom? Doesn't she count? And how many people on here are you inviting to your wedding? Something special when you feel close enough to someone to invite someone you never met to your wedding. Something special, because you are connected to those people that much. So? Want to know another word for all those people? (Steph, Second Mom, folks on here going to your wedding.) "Family!"

Family isn't a biological state of being. It's home! It's where you get love and support even when those people are eye deep in their own grief. And that's a two-way street ever congested with back-and-forth. When they can't support you, you support them. When you can't support them, they support you. And when you and them are down and out, it's still support. Might look like two people with both legs broken trying to use each other as crutches, but the trying keeps them together, not the crutches.

You already have family! It's not perfect, but where in the world does anyone get the idea it's supposed to be perfect? Sort of like looking for the perfect church -- a useless endeavor, since the instant we walk in, it stops being perfect! You've got family! God's given you family, and you're saying it's not enough! Then what is?

And the Father loses children? Since when? No. Not now. Not ever. He gains children! He never loses them, because that's something Jesus promised long ago.

[h=1]John 6:35-40[/h][FONT="]35 Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. 36 But I said to you that you have seen me and yet do not believe. 37 All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out. 38 For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me. 39 And this is the will of him who sent me, that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day. 40 For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.”[/FONT]
When Mom was dying, I mourned so much, my feelings went numb for a couple of months. I couldn't feel sad, happy, angry, anything for about two months. I thought that prepared me for when she did die. Nope. Not an iota. It came as fresh the day that she died as if she had been health but hit by a car. So, no, I have no idea why you spent so much time mourning for people you don't even know either. It wasn't for them. And it wasn't for God, (who never loses one of his children.)

I'm going to ask you a few question that I don't want you to answer to me. I want you to answer them for you.

Think of 15 year old Blain. Did 15 year old Blain have any clue what 25 year old Blain would be like? Where he'd be in ten years? How about 20 year old Blain? (I suspect at least one of those kids never expected Blain to become 25.) How accurate were those views of younger-you? So, what makes you think that 25 year old Blain knows he never gets his family either? Has God ever done anything for you in the way you expected him to do it? If so, you're one up on me!

So, how about stop feeling sorry for yourself and embrace the family God has already given you? I know right now, all three of you are in a mess. You three really are something like people with two broken legs seeking support from each other to walk. You know what it's called when two men with two broken legs try to use each other as crutches? A HUG! Sometimes that is the best kind of support there is. And I know you can't literally hug Stephanie right now, but you sure can hug her. And she can hug you.

Instead of crying over fictitious people, how about loving real ones, like God loves us?

Lynn I know you mean well but you completely misunderstood me, I will just keep things like this to myself from now on

 

[Depleted]

Do you study the Bible? And if so, rough estimate of how often and how long?

 

[laura_charlotte]

Lynn you completely misunderstood me, I will just keep things like this to myself from now on

Blain there are plenty of people here who will help with prayers. Just because comprehension is clearly an issue here, it doesn't mean you should stop putting your feelings out there for the majority of members to help you process, clarify, have prayer on and therein move you to a peaceful place about your struggles. Don't let that discourage you, praying for you.

 

[Depleted]

Blain, I'm sorry. You've have gone from student to teacher now on this site. And what you teach tickles the ears, so you deserve the spotlight you wanted. I will put you on ignore.

Matter of fact, I'm pretty much leaving.

There is no more room for sound teaching. So you are free to share all the introspection you want with your buds. I pray you learn what's really wrong some day though.

 

[Joidevivre]

I do understand what you are saying, but think of this: We are REALLY new creatures in Christ, and when we have the Holy Spirit indwelling us, we are also full of His fruits which is a feeling of well being, much joy and great peace. It is what happens when we abide in Christ.

Many of us never had nurturing as children from either parent - some of us were actually also abused. But, I'm living the scripture "When my mother and father forsake me, then the Lord will take me up" found in Psalms.

You have a new bloodline, new heritage and your heavenly Father will complete that which was lacking in your childhood from your parents. But you must believe this is happening - your faith calls it into being in your spirit. What helped me was to continually thank the Lord that He was providing deep in my being that which I lacked from a mother and father. The more I thanked him the stronger it got. Now, I feel like I've been nurtured all my life - and wasn't lacking anything at all.

 

[Miri]

Hi Blain I can understand a little how you feel, I was brought up in foster care by
my aunt, I never knew my father and my birth mother had pshzophrenia.

All my life ive felt different, that I missed out on having a "normal" family of my
own with mum, dad etc. It sort of follows you around wherever you go.

For me it's like a big secret as it's not something I share with many people in person.
But my big secret has had a massive impact on my life.

There are many reasons why a child might not be brought up in a typical family, or
worse still, they are but they were neglected or abused.

There are all all sorts of things on the internet, phycho babble etc about the effects on
children into adult hood etc. Look some of them up, maybe it will help a little to know
you are normal. Lol


The following verses helped me a lot, because they are so true. Family can be natural family,
it can also be friends, Christian brothers and sisters in Christ etc.

Maybe some sort of councilling would help you. I don't know if you have thought about that.
Its easy to think you have it all together, especially because we are Christians. But even
christians need a little help every now and then. Sometimes it's possible to keep telling
yourself your ok and just put all emotions and thoughts about the past, to the back of your
mind, but emotions have a way of spilling out in the most unexpected ways. Even in men.



Psalm 68:4-6 NIV
[4] Sing to God, sing in praise of his name, extol him who rides on the clouds ;
rejoice before him---his name is the Lord. [5] A father to the fatherless, a
defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. [6] God sets the lonely
in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a
sun-scorched land.

 

[ArtsieSteph]

Blain, I'm sorry. You've have gone from student to teacher now on this site.

I think he's just sharing hothead testimony of how he feels on here. Is that bad?

 

[preacher4truth]

Psalm 27:10

 

[laura_charlotte]

I think he's just sharing hothead testimony of how he feels on here. Is that bad?

It's a very healthy way to mentally process thoughts and feelings as is illustrated the 99% of support received. I've been praying and I know that will assist in climbing over any strongholds in the challenges experienced.