Trouble with respectfully leaving enmeshed family

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proverbs31woman29

Guest
#1
#1
I graduated with my Master's degree about 3 months ago. I moved back to the city near my family because it was less expensive and I wouldn't deplete my savings so quickly. However, I realized that this was a mistake because they expect me to go back to person I was before I moved for school. A little background: I was very sheltered and infantilized by my family, even when approaching my 30's. If I made one move that suggested that I was exercising my independence, even something as insignificant as going to the store by myself instead of calling one of them for a ride, I was shamed for it and my efforts to separate from my family were openly mocked. Enmeshment is a problem in my family, and therefor independence is highly discouraged. So moving to a new city to get an advanced degree made everyone PANIC.

However, while I was away (more than 600 miles away), I grew a lot personally. I trusted God more and made a lot more hope-based decisions, rather than the fear-based ones I made while living with them. I traveled a lot, worked part-time throughout school, managed my apartment, and made new connections. But one of the most eye opening things I experienced is that for the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who saw me as an adult.

I'm interviewing with an employer close to my former institution next week, so I will have to move back there if I get the job. I know that this is going to be an even bigger problem with my family because this move is most likely going to be permanent.

I love my family, but I can't be around people who are stifling me. I want to have my own family someday, and it takes an independent adult to manage a household. How do I show them that loving them doesn't mean I have to give up the goals I worked hard for? Since this circumstance is under the expectation that I most likely won't return, how do I respectfully separate from them physically without them interpreting it as abandoning the family?
 
T

toinena

Guest
#2
#2
You can only be honest with them. Respect should go both ways. You have accomplished a lot and you should be proud. And give the glory to God for you see He has been there and you have drawn closer to Him. That is so great. I would, if I were you, pray long and hard over this. And tell my parents to do the same. I would try to let them see this is not about you rejecting your family but following the path God has laid down before you.

And I will pray for you, sister. Just trust God in this. He opens and closes doors and leads you. Sorry to be blunt, but He should be your concern. His will be done. And I pray He also will give your family peace and joy for the works He is doing in your life.
 
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primer

Guest
#3
#3
You need to find a Celebrate Recovery program and start a step study. Use the support group and a sponsor to bounce idea's off and to find out if there is another reason behind the choices you make. Because moving back into that environment seems totally insane to me. Sorry if that seems harsh. I am surprised with all of the hurts of all the Christians on this site that no one has ever heard of CR. I overcame Cigarettes, Porn, Anxiety, Anger, and I am now working on negative thinking. I said working on it!

The attack always is: It's a self help program, and just wait for your deliverance, You just need to study your bible, your not reading it right.
 
shittim

shittim

Senior Member
#4
Dec 16, 2016
14,179
8,035
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#4
sound like you have a co-dependent family?
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#5
Mar 13, 2014
42,739
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#5
Your family is smothering you and inhibiting your spiritual growth as an independent woman. My counsel is to accept the job offer and get away from that place. Tell them its time to spread your wings and fly.
 
shittim

shittim

Senior Member
#6
Dec 16, 2016
14,179
8,035
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#6
fly or escape?
either way, it isn't unusual for anyone to come back and be expected to go back to the same
dysfunctional place the dysfunctional family had them before.
Jesus spoke of how we needed to love Him first, over family. "who are my brothers and sisters? These are my brothers and sisters".
 
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Depleted

Guest
#7
#7
primer said:
You need to find a Celebrate Recovery program and start a step study. Use the support group and a sponsor to bounce idea's off and to find out if there is another reason behind the choices you make. Because moving back into that environment seems totally insane to me. Sorry if that seems harsh. I am surprised with all of the hurts of all the Christians on this site that no one has ever heard of CR. I overcame Cigarettes, Porn, Anxiety, Anger, and I am now working on negative thinking. I said working on it!

The attack always is: It's a self help program, and just wait for your deliverance, You just need to study your bible, your not reading it right.
Click to expand...
No, she really doesn't. She's doing fine on her own. A self-help group would just bring her back to co-dependency, and probably forever.

And how do you know she's not reading her Bible right?
 
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Depleted

Guest
#8
#8
proverbs31woman29 said:
I graduated with my Master's degree about 3 months ago. I moved back to the city near my family because it was less expensive and I wouldn't deplete my savings so quickly. However, I realized that this was a mistake because they expect me to go back to person I was before I moved for school. A little background: I was very sheltered and infantilized by my family, even when approaching my 30's. If I made one move that suggested that I was exercising my independence, even something as insignificant as going to the store by myself instead of calling one of them for a ride, I was shamed for it and my efforts to separate from my family were openly mocked. Enmeshment is a problem in my family, and therefor independence is highly discouraged. So moving to a new city to get an advanced degree made everyone PANIC.

However, while I was away (more than 600 miles away), I grew a lot personally. I trusted God more and made a lot more hope-based decisions, rather than the fear-based ones I made while living with them. I traveled a lot, worked part-time throughout school, managed my apartment, and made new connections. But one of the most eye opening things I experienced is that for the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who saw me as an adult.

I'm interviewing with an employer close to my former institution next week, so I will have to move back there if I get the job. I know that this is going to be an even bigger problem with my family because this move is most likely going to be permanent.

I love my family, but I can't be around people who are stifling me. I want to have my own family someday, and it takes an independent adult to manage a household. How do I show them that loving them doesn't mean I have to give up the goals I worked hard for? Since this circumstance is under the expectation that I most likely won't return, how do I respectfully separate from them physically without them interpreting it as abandoning the family?
Click to expand...
When I graduated college, I didn't go home despite not having a job. I knew going home would be the comfortable way out, and I'd never leave again.

I'm 61 now. Dad is 87. He still doesn't get why I didn't go home. He doesn't need to. There are many things about him that I don't get and I don't need to. What's been proven over the decades is we still love each other.

Sometimes that's the best way to show it -- through the decades.

My dad and my grandmother haven't approved of some of my major decisions in life. (I was raised Catholic and my grandmother was very upset I didn't remain Catholic after I was born again. Infuriated that I didn't get married in the Catholic Church.) Oh well. I still love them and showed them. What they did with it was on them, not me. I love/loved. I did what I was supposed to do in the Lord. (Also like doing. Not like loving family is a duty, like cleaning the toilet. More like working on the garden. It has to be done, but I genuinely like doing it.)

Do what's right for you, but continue to love your family. How they react to that is their problem, not yours.

(And I'll be praying you get the job.)
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#9
#9
primer said:
You need to find a Celebrate Recovery program and start a step study. Use the support group and a sponsor to bounce idea's off and to find out if there is another reason behind the choices you make. Because moving back into that environment seems totally insane to me. Sorry if that seems harsh. I am surprised with all of the hurts of all the Christians on this site that no one has ever heard of CR. I overcame Cigarettes, Porn, Anxiety, Anger, and I am now working on negative thinking. I said working on it!

The attack always is: It's a self help program, and just wait for your deliverance, You just need to study your bible, your not reading it right.
Click to expand...
BTW, I'm surprised you haven't caught on some did hear about CR. Based on your post here alone, I will now always make sure to discourage people from going there. Sounds like that is your god now. Swapping bad addictions for other bad addictions isn't a good idea.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#10
Mar 13, 2014
42,739
17,199
113
70
Tennessee
#10
primer said:
You need to find a Celebrate Recovery program and start a step study. Use the support group and a sponsor to bounce idea's off and to find out if there is another reason behind the choices you make. Because moving back into that environment seems totally insane to me. Sorry if that seems harsh. I am surprised with all of the hurts of all the Christians on this site that no one has ever heard of CR. I overcame Cigarettes, Porn, Anxiety, Anger, and I am now working on negative thinking. I said working on it!

The attack always is: It's a self help program, and just wait for your deliverance, You just need to study your bible, your not reading it right.
Click to expand...
Seems to me that the ones that need a self-help program are the members of her family and not her. She realizes that she made a mistake moving back to the toxic environment of family and now she's considering another option. How do you know that she's not reading her bible right? There is a saying that once you leave you can never go home again. I believe that there's an element of truth to that. Perhaps it's a good thing.
 
shittim

shittim

Senior Member
#11
Dec 16, 2016
14,179
8,035
113
#11
I have heard that "can't go home" phrase often and there is something to it.
There is the scenario that sometimes happens when we grow more deeply in Christ we can leave family behind, they won't grow as fast or in the same area as He is taking us in our walk with Him.
It can close some doors but He always provides.
that's my experience anyway.
 
Nehemiah6

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
#12
Jul 18, 2017
26,074
13,784
113
#12
proverbs31woman29 said:
Since this circumstance is under the expectation that I most likely won't return, how do I respectfully separate from them physically without them interpreting it as abandoning the family?
Click to expand...
People who would imagine that if someone moved to another location for studies or a job was "abandoning" them would have to be living in a fantasy world. Actually you do not have to say anything at this point. Since you could possibly be employed somewhere other than where the family lives, wait and see how things develop, and then simply let everyone know that you have been selected for a job, and you will be moving shortly. You can also say that you love everyone, and will stay in touch as much as possible. Best not to get into details about your job, career, future plans, etc.
 
O

oldethennew

Banned
#13
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,976
113
#13
are you telling us that your loving family made it possible for you to have an education,
our of their pure Love for you and you just thought that that made it a 'free-ride' for you,
to abandon them and take their sacrifices for granted? with you not showing thankfulness
through graceful actions and humble attitude???

we must never abandoned our own, but so many do, and it's only getting worse...
this system is toast...
 
H

Huckleberry

Guest
#14
#14
proverbs31woman29 said:
How do I show them that loving them doesn't mean I have to give up the goals I worked hard for? Since this circumstance is under the expectation that I most likely won't return, how do I respectfully separate from them physically without them interpreting it as abandoning the family?
Click to expand...
You're obviously a caring, tactful person who is
trying to please the Lord and honor your family.
He will give you the words to say and the strength to say it.
You've got this.
 
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proverbs31woman29

Guest
#15
#15
Thank you everyone for your comments. I have a phone interview for the out-of-town job in two days. I also have interviews with two other companies this week, including one tomorrow afternoon. I haven't said anything about the more distant position to anyone just yet, but I have been contacting housing complexes in that area to see if any units were available.

@oldethennew I'm confused about how you came to that conclusion. Nothing in my post said anything about getting a "free ride" since I was paying rent while living there as well as making other contributions such as groceries, utilities and housekeeping. Not to mention that no one in my family paid for my education; I received fellowships and a Federal Work Study job. God calls us to do HIS will, not our families', and sometimes that means moving us to another location.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#16
#16
oldethennew said:
are you telling us that your loving family made it possible for you to have an education,
our of their pure Love for you and you just thought that that made it a 'free-ride' for you,
to abandon them and take their sacrifices for granted? with you not showing thankfulness
through graceful actions and humble attitude???

we must never abandoned our own, but so many do, and it's only getting worse...
this system is toast...
Click to expand...
Parents have a responsibility to teach their kids how to be independent. So, yes, the idea is to leave home. Leaving home is NOT abandonment. It's what we do when we grow up. And if the parent tries to make sure you don't grow up, it's even more important to become independent.
 
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primer

Guest
#17
#17
When i said the attack is: I meant That was what others would say to discourage going to CR. Both of you used the guidelines that i set up.

CR is a support group of Christians who work through issues to get to the other side an live in freedom from co-dependency or addiction.

It's my ministry not my God.

I don't find this site to be any less back biting or ugly than any worldly site. The lack of respect in the responses are identical. Mixed with crazy posts of a flat earth an the dinosaur scam, it is no wonder that Christians seem like they are living in la la land and have a hard time convincing anyone to follow there foot steps. Is this actually a site held in a mental ward?
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#18
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
339
83
#18
Just tell them that your old enough to be on your own now, that's why you went to school and are seeking a good job. Sometimes parents don't want to let go, so you may need to cut the apron strings yourself.

Or just tell them that your moving in with a guy who does a lot of drugs, and that all their rules are just cramping your style :). Then when they learn you were teasing and are actually moving because you landed a good job, they'll be pleased as punch.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#19
#19
primer said:
When i said the attack is: I meant That was what others would say to discourage going to CR. Both of you used the guidelines that i set up.

CR is a support group of Christians who work through issues to get to the other side an live in freedom from co-dependency or addiction.

It's my ministry not my God.

I don't find this site to be any less back biting or ugly than any worldly site. The lack of respect in the responses are identical. Mixed with crazy posts of a flat earth an the dinosaur scam, it is no wonder that Christians seem like they are living in la la land and have a hard time convincing anyone to follow there foot steps. Is this actually a site held in a mental ward?
Click to expand...
Biblically speaking, prove we're supposed to be having others follow our footsteps. (Could be the problem.)
 
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proverbs31woman29

Guest
#20
#20
The phone interview was successful and the company wants to meet with me for an in-person interview, which will be the final one before they make their decision. This looks like leaving may become a reality in a few weeks if I am selected for the position.

Right now, the only one in my family who is supporting this endeavor is my sister, which I am very grateful for. The rest of the family is not very thrilled about me leaving. Right now I'm burying myself in scripture due to the barrage of negative comments I've been getting.
 
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