Actually breaking free from my over analystic type mind to believe in God because I have always been a realist as in what I saw or could explain was how I thought on things,but over the years I kept reaching a road block thinking on a simple seeming yet tough question,"how was everything possible,I heard eventually both sides of the idea,about making everything,the big bang theory,evolution,but just the main thing confused me in all this,"how did everything exist"?
because though I heard the two theories they didn't make sense.
The universe coming together then expanding,and thinking "what or who created the universe then"?
And the theory along with that was evolution of creatures changing over the course of millions of years,and thinking"well why are we so different from creatures then"?
Because it was confusing thinking on "ok if we evolved then why didn't the creatures evolve to where they were like us then?
making tough decisions and creating things much larger than themselves,many many questions as I went,but couldn't figure any other explanation but God making everything because each theory had a hole in it,such as how could we look and act so different from every creature for the hole in evolution,and why was there no answer to how the universe began in the big bang theory,because sure I could think past that and temporarily accept that but thinking later of how each planet was aligned just so and how that only this planet had an interactive form of life(free moving and able to think beyond a repetitive life cycle).
It wasn't until years later that I began to believe truly through at first the change in my brother.
I finally got to be around him,my mother and youngest brother and other sidd of the family,and to be honest we were all very bitter,but my two brothers were selfish and looking toward having things their way,and my mother being the one they'd complain to,and she was ok with this so long as she had a man otherwise she would go stir crazy,so not a good start as a rejoined family but as time went on I started wanting more and more to be generous selling or pawn my collection of movies,game systems and games I had gotten from many birthdays,Christmases or from some money family gave me to just buy stuff,and started wondering if my brothers caref for me and mom or did they just come around for her money and gifts.?
So I tried confronting one and started trying to get them to act better at least toward mom,and so I somewhat left God on the back burner,but later we started going to church and things were not much different with the church and people though like most times I wasn't listening intently more of just getting church over with to get home and play some games.
But as I went I noticed some trying to get me on different paths some giving me bad advice for my life,some giving constructive advice,and started to notice some things that stood out and was starting to wonder "how did I not see these things before?"
like that the longer I lived with mom the more I began to notice how she put men first though she claimed she would always put me and my brothers first in her life.
And also how I so badly wanted to show my family how much I cared for them,and started wondering "what is wrong with me"?
"I should be able to "care" more openly"
"I should be able to cry when something is sad."
Then I started reading the bible my pappaw gave me(that I still have and use for reference on here) and began thinking "do I have a demon lingering around me"?
I asked my uncle at church wondering if it was true and if exorcism was real and possible,and he told me"learn to trust God and read some scriptures"
And for once I started becoming eager to learn and ask questions but something still felt lacking.
Because as much as I started trying to make a composition from the bible for teaching kids,and started trying to write songs for God I still didn't feel "much of a difference" then as mom got worse I started wanting to just stay in my room and not go to church but my brother encouraged me to go and I remember thinking"how can he be so different now how can he be looking forward to church when I still wasn't"?
so I went with him to church and began asking the congregation about salvation more in depth wanting to know how to be saved and I was told "It's a knowing thing" and I thought"uhhh ok if it's a knowing thing then why am I not being told some traditional way to get it why is it I only know a way for baptism?
And further sought an answer and they explained that it's a gift and it's about humbly and sincerely asking God to save your soul and accept Jesus as saviour,and thought on it and in time in my sin surrounded life finally realized what they meant I was to not simply believe upon just about Jesus dieing for my sins but truly want to be saved,and I felt overwhelmed laying myself down to the floor shedding tears telling God I believed all about Jesus and wanted to be saved and later I changed gradually and especially after believing what baptism stood for and being baptized in the name of the father,the son,and,the holy ghost,and wanted to do whatever I could for God,it was the hardest thing for me to do getting my self out of the way to make room for the holy spirit and not be so analystic,instead Giving my life to God trusting in him wholly.