I pay all of the bills in my household by myself, my husband works but the only thing he can pay is his car his child support and his phone bill, and what ever else that only involves him. Yet through all of this I still feel unappreciated taken for granted and disrespected in my own home. I am the sole bread winner and I receive 0 help. But I remain patient through it all. He claims to be a “Christian” and a Godly man who demands respect from me, but he doesn’t give respect. He hovers over me and talks to me as if I’m beneath him, and wants to control everything except the bills!!!!!!! Yet when he does wrong I am made to forgive him instantly never to be spoken of again, but when I have done something wrong he forgives when he is ready, he doesn’t even talk to me until he is ready. It’s like the roles are reversed in this marriage, I’m the man and he is the woman. He wants to be in control of everything except for what he SHOULD be in control of.
Need advice
- Thread starter Valval87
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If you’re married, the money should not be his and hers, but “ours” together, as a mixed total, and figure out the bills from there, put some in savings, and each have the same amount of spending money on hand. Then it doesn’t matter who does the bills- the same amount has to go to the electric bill, the house payment, etc. It should be preplanned between you both. Marriage is a partnership, you need to work as a team. All the tasks should be shared equally- with him leaning toward the harder labor, and you leaning toward the domestic.
Lord, I pray that you give each spouse the eyes to see it from the other's perspective, or the grace to show mercy.
At the same time, please help them communicate better, finding a middle-ground that is safe and spiritually edifying.
Lord, help the man to be less controlling and more attentive to his wife's needs. Bring the Word into his heart, and do not let him rest until he contributes more and demands less.
As always, Lord, your will is what matters. In Jesus' name, amen.
At the same time, please help them communicate better, finding a middle-ground that is safe and spiritually edifying.
Lord, help the man to be less controlling and more attentive to his wife's needs. Bring the Word into his heart, and do not let him rest until he contributes more and demands less.
As always, Lord, your will is what matters. In Jesus' name, amen.
We suspect divorce because she mentioned that he was making child payments. But, who knows. Maybe he was never married before - just supporting a child born out of wedlock?
At any rate, I would strongly advise a counselor for Val - and with that along with prayer, things might seem clearer to her as to how to handle it.
At any rate, I would strongly advise a counselor for Val - and with that along with prayer, things might seem clearer to her as to how to handle it.
H
Sounds like a total loser.
You're 30, still pretty young.
Ditch him now before you've completely wasted your youth with him.
Hopefully you don't have kids with him, because then
you would be able to get him completely out of your life.
But if you do, at least he'd be on the hook for more support.
Maybe being forced to pay two ex-wives child support would
discourage any other women from getting involved with him.
You're 30, still pretty young.
Ditch him now before you've completely wasted your youth with him.
Hopefully you don't have kids with him, because then
you would be able to get him completely out of your life.
But if you do, at least he'd be on the hook for more support.
Maybe being forced to pay two ex-wives child support would
discourage any other women from getting involved with him.
D
To be clear, child support costs a lot of money, and I do admire a man who actually keeps up with it. Most simply walk away and leave it to the mother only.
BUT it's really tough too. One of hubby's friend divorced after his wife cheated on him -- often. She got the four kids, and he got visitation rights, plus child support to the tune of being left $50 a week to live on. He never complained. His kids were too important to him. BUT, he sure had to live cheap for a decade.
BUT it's really tough too. One of hubby's friend divorced after his wife cheated on him -- often. She got the four kids, and he got visitation rights, plus child support to the tune of being left $50 a week to live on. He never complained. His kids were too important to him. BUT, he sure had to live cheap for a decade.
Well since you have allowed this to develop, you are as much at fault as he is. But there is no question that you both are in a very mixed up situation. And there is also no question that your husband has some serious spiritual issues, which then translate into the behavior he displays. It looks like you both should sit down with a spiritual counselor and get all of this out. If your husband claims to be a Christian then he should have no problem with this.
The husband must become the breadwinner, the provider for his family, and also the one who manages the financial affairs of the home. The wife should take care of the home and her children, and should expect to be treated with respect. To get to this point will mean a drastic change in how things are operating. Only you both can know whether this will happen or not.
The husband must become the breadwinner, the provider for his family, and also the one who manages the financial affairs of the home. The wife should take care of the home and her children, and should expect to be treated with respect. To get to this point will mean a drastic change in how things are operating. Only you both can know whether this will happen or not.
I can't tell if that's really your advice, or you're being sarcastic. Is that really your advice? To ditch him?
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There are a LOT of other options to exhaust before even considering divorce. Perhaps just try sitting down with him and expressing your concerns. It might be the case that he's not a bad person, but merely a bit immature and self centered. (Of course it would be best not to phrase it quite that bluntly to him in an accusatory manner that would lead to a fight.)
If he truly is a Christian then he should be considerate of your needs, not just his own. Point out that you need some help with the bills. If his car payment and phone take up an inappropriate share of your combined earnings, then maybe he should be driving a less expensive car and arrange for a cheaper phone plan. Also point out that mutual respect is needed for a healthy relationship. Anything less will result in ... less. Just some thoughts.
In any case, I wouldn't advice divorce over the issues you outlined. They are things that can easily be fixed with a bit of effort.
=======================
There are a LOT of other options to exhaust before even considering divorce. Perhaps just try sitting down with him and expressing your concerns. It might be the case that he's not a bad person, but merely a bit immature and self centered. (Of course it would be best not to phrase it quite that bluntly to him in an accusatory manner that would lead to a fight.)
If he truly is a Christian then he should be considerate of your needs, not just his own. Point out that you need some help with the bills. If his car payment and phone take up an inappropriate share of your combined earnings, then maybe he should be driving a less expensive car and arrange for a cheaper phone plan. Also point out that mutual respect is needed for a healthy relationship. Anything less will result in ... less. Just some thoughts.
In any case, I wouldn't advice divorce over the issues you outlined. They are things that can easily be fixed with a bit of effort.
H
Not being sarcastic.
This lady married a loser.
She probably didn't know he was a loser before they got married.
Maybe he displayed a phony personality when they were courting,
then after the deal was closed he revealed his true colors.
Happens to people all the time.
Life's too short to waste spending it with someone like that.
Yes, my advice for her is to ditch the loser and find herself a real man.
This lady married a loser.
She probably didn't know he was a loser before they got married.
Maybe he displayed a phony personality when they were courting,
then after the deal was closed he revealed his true colors.
Happens to people all the time.
Life's too short to waste spending it with someone like that.
Yes, my advice for her is to ditch the loser and find herself a real man.
You and your husband need to work as a team. I'm assuming you knew about the child support before marrying him. Everyone has a certain amount of baggage that you have to accept and live with as best that you can.
You have not stated how long you have been married so it is hard to offer any counsel except to say that it would benefit greatly if you both prayed together on a daily basis along with bible reading and devotion. For a marriage to thrive God has to be in the center. It looks like you're living in a house of cards that is ready to come tumbling down.
It is a good thing though that your husband is responsible enough to pay support for his child. I do realize that this takes away money that could go into your household but that's just the way it is at this time. There are others on this site in similar situations so please know that you're not alone.
Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
You have not stated how long you have been married so it is hard to offer any counsel except to say that it would benefit greatly if you both prayed together on a daily basis along with bible reading and devotion. For a marriage to thrive God has to be in the center. It looks like you're living in a house of cards that is ready to come tumbling down.
It is a good thing though that your husband is responsible enough to pay support for his child. I do realize that this takes away money that could go into your household but that's just the way it is at this time. There are others on this site in similar situations so please know that you're not alone.
Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
L
A man of Christ is the head of his household. Jesus is in command of that man or is at least supposed to be. Ladies, any "man" that does not consult Jesus daily and follow what he said and treat his wife how he said is no Christian. Tell him to seek Jesus, repent whilst turning from sin and obey Jesus commands.
Hi Valval,
I’m sorry to hear of the troubles you and your husband are having. I do have a couple of questions for you. Is this the second marriage for either of you and do you have any children together?
Take care and God bless you both and we will be praying for the two of you and any others involved.
Ed, Pam and Darlene
I’m sorry to hear of the troubles you and your husband are having. I do have a couple of questions for you. Is this the second marriage for either of you and do you have any children together?
Take care and God bless you both and we will be praying for the two of you and any others involved.
Ed, Pam and Darlene
Hi again Valval,
There is true beauty in a home where everyone is living according to God’s will as given us in the Bible. There is also beauty in a home where even just one person is living according to God’s perfect will. And, it is contagious. Yes, it is the husband’s responsibility to take the leadership role in financial matters and many other things in the home. It would be nice if your husband were reaching out for direction but he isn’t. To your credit though you are. There are many things you can do to help bring things into line with God’s will in your home. It will be hard and take much humility and sacrifice on your part, but I believe the rewards will be priceless to you, your husband and God. I am not saying you are not already doing the following but it is all worth prayer and consideration.
Show him respect even when he doesn’t deserve it. This has been proven (by my wife and many others) that this is what a man needs. It has done wonders in changing me to give Pam what she needs. It is no wonder though as you see in the following verses that this is the very thing God tells the wife to do.
Eph 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife [see] that she respects [her] husband.
Ask him for advice and direction on things and then be willing to follow that advice even if it seems ridiculous (unless it goes against God’s Word). Remember you are following God’s direction first and foremost. Whatever the results of bad advice or direction that he may give is temporary (short of sin of course).
Great resources on love and respect in the marriage is: loveandrespect.com
Be submissive to your husband (unless of course it goes against God’s word) even when what he is doing or requiring seems totally unreasonable or unfair.
Eph 5:24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in everything.
1Pe 3:1 ¶ Wives, likewise, [be] submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,
Be humble and meek.
Jas 4:6 But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble."
Jas 4:10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.
You can do all the right things, but if they are not done in the spirit of meekness with humility it won’t be nearly as effective. There is also great power in meekness.
Prevent a disagreement by giving a soft answer. Proverbs 15:1 NKJV 1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. Excellent way to stop a fight before it starts. (Much to my embarrassment Pam and Darlene have had to apply this to me and it WORKS!!!).
Being married you are now both one. As mentioned by someone in an earlier post this goes for money as well. It would be very powerful to sign your check and give it over to your husband and ask him to do what he feels is best with it. Probably sounds crazy but the message of trust this sends will be very powerful. Again, it is God who we are following and trying to please here.
Mr 10:8 'and the two shall become one flesh'; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh.
Please remember this is as much God’s marriage as it is yours and your husbands. In God’s eyes when we make the marriage vow with Him it is permanent with the exception of death of a spouse and possibly the exception of adultery. It is worth every effort and ounce of humility you can muster to make it work. It is by but the grace and mercy of God that Pam and I are still together (We didn’t become Christians until later in life.). We made many mistakes and in many ways I was probably a lot like your husband is now. I can only say that I have thanked God many, many times that Pam and I are still together after all these years (36 I think!). Stay strong in the Lord. With God YOU can do anything - including this.
We are praying for the both of you.
Take care and may God bless you richly.
There is true beauty in a home where everyone is living according to God’s will as given us in the Bible. There is also beauty in a home where even just one person is living according to God’s perfect will. And, it is contagious. Yes, it is the husband’s responsibility to take the leadership role in financial matters and many other things in the home. It would be nice if your husband were reaching out for direction but he isn’t. To your credit though you are. There are many things you can do to help bring things into line with God’s will in your home. It will be hard and take much humility and sacrifice on your part, but I believe the rewards will be priceless to you, your husband and God. I am not saying you are not already doing the following but it is all worth prayer and consideration.
Show him respect even when he doesn’t deserve it. This has been proven (by my wife and many others) that this is what a man needs. It has done wonders in changing me to give Pam what she needs. It is no wonder though as you see in the following verses that this is the very thing God tells the wife to do.
Eph 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife [see] that she respects [her] husband.
Ask him for advice and direction on things and then be willing to follow that advice even if it seems ridiculous (unless it goes against God’s Word). Remember you are following God’s direction first and foremost. Whatever the results of bad advice or direction that he may give is temporary (short of sin of course).
Great resources on love and respect in the marriage is: loveandrespect.com
Be submissive to your husband (unless of course it goes against God’s word) even when what he is doing or requiring seems totally unreasonable or unfair.
Eph 5:24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in everything.
1Pe 3:1 ¶ Wives, likewise, [be] submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,
Be humble and meek.
Jas 4:6 But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble."
Jas 4:10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.
You can do all the right things, but if they are not done in the spirit of meekness with humility it won’t be nearly as effective. There is also great power in meekness.
Prevent a disagreement by giving a soft answer. Proverbs 15:1 NKJV 1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. Excellent way to stop a fight before it starts. (Much to my embarrassment Pam and Darlene have had to apply this to me and it WORKS!!!).
Being married you are now both one. As mentioned by someone in an earlier post this goes for money as well. It would be very powerful to sign your check and give it over to your husband and ask him to do what he feels is best with it. Probably sounds crazy but the message of trust this sends will be very powerful. Again, it is God who we are following and trying to please here.
Mr 10:8 'and the two shall become one flesh'; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh.
Please remember this is as much God’s marriage as it is yours and your husbands. In God’s eyes when we make the marriage vow with Him it is permanent with the exception of death of a spouse and possibly the exception of adultery. It is worth every effort and ounce of humility you can muster to make it work. It is by but the grace and mercy of God that Pam and I are still together (We didn’t become Christians until later in life.). We made many mistakes and in many ways I was probably a lot like your husband is now. I can only say that I have thanked God many, many times that Pam and I are still together after all these years (36 I think!). Stay strong in the Lord. With God YOU can do anything - including this.
We are praying for the both of you.
Take care and may God bless you richly.