Marriage Issues..
- Thread starter TwinMomma16
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P
pckts
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You have made a new account and are ready to shamelessly promote your business, now through PM's because doing it publicly got you banned. Go away Acevedo, your "help" is fueled by your desire to make money.
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Hey all![/FONT][FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] I wanted to thank you for all your input, encouragement and prayers since I made this post. It has been a crazy busy couple of last days and I didn't get to respond to all of your comments, so I'm going to try and do it all at once. Oh boy! lol[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] First, yes, my husband works way too many hours and spreads himself much too thin. This is partly because he doesn't like to tell customers no and partly because he's a workaholic. He could easily work less hours and we would be fine financially. With his schedule we have little to no time for family time, or us time. Which is never a good thing or a healthy thing in a marriage and something we need to work on.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] Secondly, I don't appreciate some of you saying that I'm not pulling my weight and should go back to work and that would make things easier. We've talked about this and if I were to go back to work I would make enough money to pay for childcare and nothing else! If I had a high paying job before we had the twins then yes, it would make sense for me to return to work. I had a decent job but didn't make nearly enough to be worth going back to. We've talked about me going back to work now but after weighting all the pros and cons there was just too many negative things about going back to work, at this time.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] Now with that all being said, these past few days and weeks I have really been focusing on wooing (yes I really used the word woo lol) my husband and I have to say I've noticed some positive signs. He has been a little more affectionate and more open to telling me what he's thinking or how his day is going. I know we have a long road ahead of us and every day is full of the unknown, but I've decided that I can't overthink it or worry it to death. I need to keep giving it all to God and pray HE can open my husbands eyes and heart. [/FONT][/FONT]
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Like Beez said; [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] "Love is a choice. And love is Action"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] I've made my choice to love my husband and now I'm thing to show him that love. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] Again, thank you all for taking the time to comment, share and encourage. Please keep thinking of me as I work to put this all in the Lords hands and have peace about where HE will lead us. [/FONT][/FONT]
Hey all![/FONT][FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] I wanted to thank you for all your input, encouragement and prayers since I made this post. It has been a crazy busy couple of last days and I didn't get to respond to all of your comments, so I'm going to try and do it all at once. Oh boy! lol[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] First, yes, my husband works way too many hours and spreads himself much too thin. This is partly because he doesn't like to tell customers no and partly because he's a workaholic. He could easily work less hours and we would be fine financially. With his schedule we have little to no time for family time, or us time. Which is never a good thing or a healthy thing in a marriage and something we need to work on.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] Secondly, I don't appreciate some of you saying that I'm not pulling my weight and should go back to work and that would make things easier. We've talked about this and if I were to go back to work I would make enough money to pay for childcare and nothing else! If I had a high paying job before we had the twins then yes, it would make sense for me to return to work. I had a decent job but didn't make nearly enough to be worth going back to. We've talked about me going back to work now but after weighting all the pros and cons there was just too many negative things about going back to work, at this time.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] Now with that all being said, these past few days and weeks I have really been focusing on wooing (yes I really used the word woo lol) my husband and I have to say I've noticed some positive signs. He has been a little more affectionate and more open to telling me what he's thinking or how his day is going. I know we have a long road ahead of us and every day is full of the unknown, but I've decided that I can't overthink it or worry it to death. I need to keep giving it all to God and pray HE can open my husbands eyes and heart. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText]
Like Beez said; [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] "Love is a choice. And love is Action"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] I've made my choice to love my husband and now I'm thing to show him that love. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=.SF UI Text][FONT=.SFUIText] Again, thank you all for taking the time to comment, share and encourage. Please keep thinking of me as I work to put this all in the Lords hands and have peace about where HE will lead us. [/FONT][/FONT]
You know how your husband responds to you confronting him, and I don't know what "level" this conflict" is at for sure, and thus I don't know what the timing for this is, however.... I think he needs a BIG wake up call.
Does he attend and is he a member of a church with you? If so the male leadership need to come along side him and eventually gain his trust and tell him what for (in a non-condemning way). Eventually you too need to read him the "riot-act" and explain what the consequences are if he doesn't stop going down the road he's travelling.
I am not for trying to "scare" ppl into changing their behaviour, but in many marriages the offending spouse often has been doing what is wrong or offensive for a long time AND that needs to stop and sometimes the way of doing that is the key to how it is received.
Major on the major issues and have wise mature support to do that.
Get good counsel and do your "confronting" in a timely, wise, loving way.
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Well honestly, It sounds like its not all your fault.
It sounds like he isnt making any effort of his own.
I would reccommend that you make time for him.
try handing the kids over to a babysitter like your parents for a while,
and then take your husband on a date. Just the 2 of you.
Find out when his next vacation is going to be, and ask him if he is willing to
use some vacation time to work on your marrage.
it doesnt have to be long nights of yelling and fighting, it can be something simple like a home cooked meal
cuddling on the couch and watching tv, or a night on the town with diner and dancing.
try and ballance it 50/50 with things you both enjoy, and if you cant, try and ballance it a little more to his favour.
It might take some time, but I think you guys have been so busy you have forgotten why you fell in love with each other in the first place.
It might be best to try and rebuild the foundation of your relationship, rekindle the love and the passion you both had for each other, and on occasional nights when the twins are having a good day try and include them too, for a little family time so that they arn't neglected as well.
It sounds like he isnt making any effort of his own.
I would reccommend that you make time for him.
try handing the kids over to a babysitter like your parents for a while,
and then take your husband on a date. Just the 2 of you.
Find out when his next vacation is going to be, and ask him if he is willing to
use some vacation time to work on your marrage.
it doesnt have to be long nights of yelling and fighting, it can be something simple like a home cooked meal
cuddling on the couch and watching tv, or a night on the town with diner and dancing.
try and ballance it 50/50 with things you both enjoy, and if you cant, try and ballance it a little more to his favour.
It might take some time, but I think you guys have been so busy you have forgotten why you fell in love with each other in the first place.
It might be best to try and rebuild the foundation of your relationship, rekindle the love and the passion you both had for each other, and on occasional nights when the twins are having a good day try and include them too, for a little family time so that they arn't neglected as well.
He does work with a man who is a kind, Christian man whom I've met several times and I know has given my husband some advice in the past. I don't know if my husband has talked to this man about our current situation but I hope that if he is talking to someone they tell him to get his act together. In one of my angry moments I have told him he's being selfish and only thinking of himself and not about us. Instead of focusing on the good parts of our marriage he only seems to focuse on the bad, and I don't know why.
But I'm hoping by taking steps to making him feel special again he'll start to do the same for me. It's hard because it feels like I'm alone in this, but I just keep praying that he realizes that we really can have a good marriage with all the lovey feelings he seems to not have anymore.
TwinMamma, may God bless and help you during this difficult time. Don’t ever forget God loves you, loves you dearly and will never leave nor forsake you or allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear.
As was said by someone earlier it is very important that your family be a part of a Bible believing church. One that lives the word of God. Hebrews 10:25 KJV 25 Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. And yes, this is the man’s responsibility, but to your credit you are the one that is reaching out. Hopefully he will join you in this.
“I want to fight for my marriage, but if he won't fight for us too what hope do we have?” Luke 1:37 NKJV 37 "For with God nothing will be impossible." (blue_ladybug :>) Please whatever you do, don’t give up on the marriage. This would not be God’s will and would probably be the worst example and worst thing that could happen to your children. One day I believe you, he, the children and especially God will be extremely happy you did fight for the marriage. I can also say, from experience, after more than thirty five years of marriage that has weathered many storms (problems brought about from both of us). That Pam, our two girls and I are very happy that we stuck it out. Please remember your wedding vows. They were a covenant between you, your husband and God.
Also, very importantly pray often and fervently for your husband, for God’s will and that He would help you through these difficult times and that you find a church that lives and exists solely for serving Him and His church. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 KJV 17 Pray without ceasing.
Show your husband respect every chance you get. Make sure it is about something that is worthy of respect. You can do this in many ways beyond just comments such as: “You really do well with the business, your customers obviously trust and respect you” Ask him for his opinion and advice on different issues (you need to be willing to follow it). These opportunities will come up and probably often if you look for them. Also of great importance is that men need respect and woman need love. Ephesians 5:33 NKJV 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. If you respect him he will (in time) show you love. This was huge for Pam and I. I believe it was one of several turning points in our marriage. Our church did a DVD series on this. The following web site is where the series came from. There is much good free advice there: LoveandRespect.com.
Stay positive, be careful to avoid sarcasm. Don’t dwell on the negative (especially those things that you don’t know to be true), be careful not to antagonize or ask questions that are not necessary that will antagonize. Pr 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger (My wife has proven this often – to my shame.). James 1:19-20 NKJV 19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
It is also very admirable that he allows you to stay home with the children and that you are willing to do it. I know two incomes works for some, but can you imagine how your life would be with the added burden of a job to the responsibilities you already have (extremely important ones I might add). Also, by the sounds of it since he has trouble turning away work it wouldn’t help anyway. Our family life so improved when Pam quit working (She was just part time but it still made a world of difference.). The children and I were very grateful for this.
Physically are you the same as when you first married? I know this seems very shallow and is but there are many if not most men out there that this is important to. If you are not I can understand it after having twins. For him in this area it would help if you got involved in a sustained effort (nothing extreme - do it at home, don’t go out and join a gym – slow and sustained is effective) on your part to get in shape would go a long way for him.
Remember, change starts with ourselves. We can’t force others to change; however, changes we make in our own lives can help others to follow.
Relationships take work. Sometimes a lot. Be strong and lean on God. He loves you, He loves your children and He loves your husband. He will help you through this. Put in the effort with Him and one day, as I said before, I believe you will be extremely happy you did. I know your children, your husband and certainly God will be.
Take care and may God bless you all. We will be praying for you,
Ed, Pam and Darlene
As was said by someone earlier it is very important that your family be a part of a Bible believing church. One that lives the word of God. Hebrews 10:25 KJV 25 Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. And yes, this is the man’s responsibility, but to your credit you are the one that is reaching out. Hopefully he will join you in this.
“I want to fight for my marriage, but if he won't fight for us too what hope do we have?” Luke 1:37 NKJV 37 "For with God nothing will be impossible." (blue_ladybug :>) Please whatever you do, don’t give up on the marriage. This would not be God’s will and would probably be the worst example and worst thing that could happen to your children. One day I believe you, he, the children and especially God will be extremely happy you did fight for the marriage. I can also say, from experience, after more than thirty five years of marriage that has weathered many storms (problems brought about from both of us). That Pam, our two girls and I are very happy that we stuck it out. Please remember your wedding vows. They were a covenant between you, your husband and God.
Also, very importantly pray often and fervently for your husband, for God’s will and that He would help you through these difficult times and that you find a church that lives and exists solely for serving Him and His church. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 KJV 17 Pray without ceasing.
Show your husband respect every chance you get. Make sure it is about something that is worthy of respect. You can do this in many ways beyond just comments such as: “You really do well with the business, your customers obviously trust and respect you” Ask him for his opinion and advice on different issues (you need to be willing to follow it). These opportunities will come up and probably often if you look for them. Also of great importance is that men need respect and woman need love. Ephesians 5:33 NKJV 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. If you respect him he will (in time) show you love. This was huge for Pam and I. I believe it was one of several turning points in our marriage. Our church did a DVD series on this. The following web site is where the series came from. There is much good free advice there: LoveandRespect.com.
Stay positive, be careful to avoid sarcasm. Don’t dwell on the negative (especially those things that you don’t know to be true), be careful not to antagonize or ask questions that are not necessary that will antagonize. Pr 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger (My wife has proven this often – to my shame.). James 1:19-20 NKJV 19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
It is also very admirable that he allows you to stay home with the children and that you are willing to do it. I know two incomes works for some, but can you imagine how your life would be with the added burden of a job to the responsibilities you already have (extremely important ones I might add). Also, by the sounds of it since he has trouble turning away work it wouldn’t help anyway. Our family life so improved when Pam quit working (She was just part time but it still made a world of difference.). The children and I were very grateful for this.
Physically are you the same as when you first married? I know this seems very shallow and is but there are many if not most men out there that this is important to. If you are not I can understand it after having twins. For him in this area it would help if you got involved in a sustained effort (nothing extreme - do it at home, don’t go out and join a gym – slow and sustained is effective) on your part to get in shape would go a long way for him.
Remember, change starts with ourselves. We can’t force others to change; however, changes we make in our own lives can help others to follow.
Relationships take work. Sometimes a lot. Be strong and lean on God. He loves you, He loves your children and He loves your husband. He will help you through this. Put in the effort with Him and one day, as I said before, I believe you will be extremely happy you did. I know your children, your husband and certainly God will be.
Take care and may God bless you all. We will be praying for you,
Ed, Pam and Darlene