Constant Blow-Ups

[Karraster]

Hi, (belated) welcome to CC. Sounds like you are in a difficult situation. You came here looking for answers, did you try any of the suggestions in the months you were away? My Mother once told me, "Don't give 50%, expecting him to give 50%, and think that amounts to 100%. No. Shoot for 100% regardless of what percent he gives. You may find after all, that he will gladly meet you more than halfway.

Truly I feel for you both. I don't know why he is in a wheelchair, but gotta tell ya, that seems quite challenging. I'd imagine days he may be angry, feel sorry for himself? Dunno, everybody's different, I was thinking I probably would. It sounds as if you're both scared. Why, I can't really say...maybe of loosing each other? Sometimes our fears make us do weird things, almost try to bring on what it is we fear. Know what I mean?

As Christians, we are supposed to love each other based on our "worth", not whether we "deserve" it. We are worth so much that our Saviour died for us. Let's face it, we all are undeserving at times.

How 'bout just for 1 week, be sweet as pie. For 1 week remember how Jesus suffered for us before each interaction with husband. In addition to that, do not obsess over your husband or kids period. Live in the moment, don't borrow trouble, and try to get completely immersed in a project or something. Maybe by taking your focus off your problems, those problems may loose their power over you. Something needs to shake them loose, before your health is wrecked.

I'll be praying for you sister. A good marriage is worth working toward. My husband is my best friend. I thank the Lord for every day with him. It can be that way for you too.

 

[aliisadog]

BTW, what did you stumble onto about fixing your back?

Men = fix it!
Women = security!

Men hear every complaint from a wife as a personal challenge to fix it. That is their security. If they can fix wife's problem, they've make her secure. Happy wife. Happy life.

What are you doing? Complaining? Yes, I get you're not complaining about him (most of the time), but he's still hearing everything as a complaint, and complain means "need to fix."

How to frustrated a husband. Keep complaining about stuff he can't fix. Physical pain. Can't be fixed.

Problem. We're women and know that. (Deep down men do too. lol) We just like to tell what's wrong without an expectation of "fix that." They can't hear that unless we make sure they hear that.

I'm in chronic pain too. And hubby hears about it, BUT it's the way I do it that changes everything. One of two ways he hears about it -- fix it or can't fix it.
1. Can fix it sounds like this.
"My pain doctor is useless except for giving me prescriptions. My back is getting worse and worse. [He already knows I don't want to take more and more pain meds, so I don't have to tell him that part.] My primary thinks I bring up pain to get more pain meds because I'm an addict, so she's not listening to me. Any idea who to go to so someone can help me slow down the increasing pain? I know the back can't get fixed, but delaying worse pain is good."

See? I've given him something useful to do, and he scurries off to the Internet to solve that problem by trying to figure out who I should go to and why. (That was a long term project for both of us, until I stumbled on the answer. After that, he didn't have to fix anymore.)

2. Can't fix it.
"I know you can't do a thing about this, but just got to say, my back is killing me and I have to sit down for a bit."

See? He knows he doesn't have to fix that and can't. He my mull over ways to try and fix that, but after 17 years of this, I doubt there is anything leftover to mull.

3. Giving him a choice in if he wants to fix or not.
"I'm sorry the garden is a mess. That was dumb. I shouldn't have done that, but now I'm in too much pain to work on it for a while."

See? He heard my grip and he could choose to work on the garden, or he could choose to leave it alone, knowing I wanted to do the rest, but can't yet. Optional fix-it mode. (He usually chooses stuff he knows I won't get to, but he wants done. lol)

Things I've learned (the hard way) not to say in front of him because he will "fix it" and I don't want him to do that for one reason or another.
-- My boss was a jerk today. (Ended up being talked into leaving that job. Dang! It was a good job, but he doesn't like bosses being jerks near me. lol)
-- Boy! The bathroom tile is ugly! (I don't even remember saying that, yet he took out the walls in the bathroom. )
-- A guy at work slapped my butt. (Knew better than to say that or he'd go to that job and beat that guy to a pulp. Except, that guy had friends, so they would have beaten him to a pulp.)
-- Stupid neighbor's dog woke me up this morning. (Next thing I know neighbor and he were having a yelling match.)

You may well think you're just laying all on the line. If I stayed with you a day or a week, I might well agree with you. But what you're saying and what he's hearing are two different things.

Men = Fix it.
Women = security.

If he can't give you security by fixing something, he feels inadequate.

That's what I mean by stop criticizing and complaining. He's hearing you. And, ultimately? Isn't that what we want from our husbands? To be heard. We just have to be careful of how we're being heard. (I became disabled shortly after he removed the tile, making him have to work harder for more income. Then he became disabled. To this day the tiles in our bathroom aren't ugly anymore. No tile. But the bathroom will never be finished either. We got walls up before I became disabled. Didn't even get the wallpaper finished. lol) He's hearing you like a man though. Not like a woman.

So, he's not lying. He's telling you his problem. Hear him in man-talk, not woman-talk. And, when you have to complain, phrase it in man-talk.

 

[aliisadog]

Karraster,

Sorry for the late response, my husband always wants to know what I'm doing when I type a lot.

I’m a detail-oriented person so I’ll speak specifically to each piece of advice I’ve been given in this forum at the end. I really want accountability.

One of my disappointments is that I feel I've done most of the compromising in my marriage. You’re right, being in a wheelchair is a daily struggle for my husband. I've only known him for 3 years but 15 years ago he was misdiagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and now doctors say it’s impossible to know the cause of his paraplegia which only frustrates him more. He does get angry and feel sorry for himself. I can’t empathize with him but I don’t feel sorry for him. I see him as a man and usually don’t see his handicap until he points it out. I think he’s depressed and I've suggested he talk to a doctor or a therapist and again he refuses. He’s quite stubborn. At first he inspired me because of his positive outlook and perseverance. Now, I think the wheelchair is something he uses as an excuse for bad behavior for which he gets a sympathy nod from many.

I stay scared, anxious and worried about our relationship, my financial security and my future; if he’s scared, he doesn’t reveal it to me. And I've definitely thought on more than one occasion that my fearful reaction to his lack of seeming to not care is what brings on the lack of intimacy. You’d think we don’t speak but we literally are sitting in the same room (very small house) night after night arms length apart, and I’m dying inside and losing hope day by day
I like your idea about being as sweet as pie for one week. Now’s a good time to implement that because his grown kids are coming to visit and they drive me crazy--all I can think is they will be gone in a week. I know I can do it, but it seems, like Paul said, we do the very things we don’t want to do. Never thought of bringing to my mind that Jesus suffered for us before each interaction with my husband; I'll try to remember. I’m very weak when it comes to living in the moment and not borrowing trouble, but very good advice. I can’t get immersed in a physical project because I'm under doctor’s orders not to move my shoulder for another week, but I'm getting caught up on some of my computer organization, thus my time to be able to talk on this forum. One of the reasons I'm excited about my new church is I'll have a place to serve others. There aren't opportunities in the little church here in town that only has 40 in attendance on Sunday morning.

Thank you for your prayers. I want a good marriage so I'll continue to look at myself and look to the only One who can really fill me.

The advice in asterisks and my comments after.

What I still need work on:

**Constant complaining, being critical; Bring up every little thing all day long; Speak what is useful for building others up, not to tear them down; Learn to rephrase something in a positive way; Look to the good in your day; Pick your battles.
--My number one problem and my biggest failing. It’s a struggle for me every day; I mostly look at the glass half empty. I have a severe problem with this and sought counseling to focus on myself but counselor wanted to talk about my husband. I'm having trouble seeing the positive and finding anything positive about husband.

**Speak with church staff member.
--Met with pastor of church I was attending with husband and again focus was on husband even though I sought advice for myself.

**Read books about marriage & relationships.
--Not much of a reader but I like to watch Saddleback videos–can’t watch with him around; Haven’t listened to Mark Gungor as suggested.

**Focus on Jesus and not yourself or your husband.
--Again, a daily struggle for me. I've gotten into Word more; watched sermons and Bible teachers.

**Focus on love; love unconditionally.
--I'm focusing more on love from God. My husband said he won’t and can’t love me until relationship with kids is better. I love him but I can’t unconditionally accept the addiction.

**Say I’m interested in finding out what I can do to improve this marriage.
--He wants my relationship with his kids repaired. I've written them both a letter and since they'll be here next week so I get my chance to do the right thing, which is just be nice. I moved into the house he was living in and even though the kids have never lived here, they treat it as his house. It’s more about being nice to my husband--usually a drinking event has happened right before they come.

**Remove all attempts to resolve issues with each other and commit to building your relationship with Lord; Put it in a way that he can fix it. Stop complaining about stuff he can't fix.
--I'm a fixer and want things resolved so another big fail to keep trying to fix it. I'm searching for ways to build my relationship with God.

**When you're angry leave the room, when he's angry leave the room. Discuss things when both of you are calm.
--I've done this but lately we've had shouting matches. Since I'm in such a small house, I've gone outside and walked or gotten in car and driven around, which makes him angry.

**Ask God to give your husband a craving for change of heart.
--I have done this but not enough.

**Keep your record clean. Keep your heart in the right place
--My heart is still wanting my marriage to work and for him to stop drinking.

Things I’ve tried to initiate with my husband:

**Ask him what is he thinking; talk to him about not holding it in.
--He agrees he shouldn’t hold it in but he still does. He says I've shut him down. We’ve had deep talks and it always goes back to his kids. He’s at an impasse with me about that issue.

**Initiate touch.
--Not reciprocated.

**Admit I'm 70% responsible for problems.
--I take 100% responsibility for my failures and have confessed to him.

These are the things I can’t make happen, he has to choose:

**Look into each other's eyes.
--He won’t look at me.

**Marriage counseling.
--He refuses.

**Date night.
--We don’t do.

Advice I think I've done better with:

**Vent to God in prayer.
--Over and over. I could be more consistent.

**Need fellowship and form healthy relationships that will sustain us and challenge us to grow in our Christ-likeness.
--I've searched my conscience about leaving my husband’s church, but I finally went to a different church for a Sunday morning Bible class and was able to discuss prayer needs and really study the Bible. It’ll be another week before I can drive to get back. But I'm hoping this will be a very positive step for me.

**Someone you can pour out your heart to.
--Spoke with a couple in town for a place to stay and they offered me a rundown trailer in a drug infested small town; offered for me to stay with them but their house is filthy with five to six kids running around and they smoke. They spoke ill of my husband and told me stories about members of his family that I would’ve rather not heard and I’ve increasingly felt bad that I went to speak to them. My husband doesn’t know.

**So, it looks like there are less positive and more negative actions that I’ve taken. Again, I’m looking at glass half empty. After reviewing this, it looks like most everything I need to work on is because I'm looking at things through eyes of hurt instead of love.

**There are a couple of posts I did not see until now and still need to read.

Sorry so long. Thanks for hearing me and praying!!
​

 

[Nehemiah6]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds really difficult. I would definitely recommend marriage counseling. If he objects, then go yourself. Honestly if this keeps up it's going to be really hard to have a good marriage or any marriage. I wouldn't stick around if he's unwilling to at least try and work on this.

Best wishes to you.

This about sums it up. So the real underlying issue is whether your husband is truly saved or simply claims to be a Christian. Genuine Christians are willing to deal with their present sins and turn away from them. Looks like he has no interest in taking a good hard look at himself and perhaps he never truly repented and was converted.

As to "I'm the type who wears my feelings on my shoulders and I speak my mind most of the time, a lot of times in a critical and complaining fashion, not toward him, but just in general" it is time for you to deal with your critical spirit and repent (turn away from) all negativity. If you watch TV news or hear radio news, SHUT THEM OFF ALTOGETHER. It is mostly garbage and lies being presented to poison your mind and spirit. Better yet, get rid of your TV.

If things have become intolerable, you might have to give your husband an ultimatum -- either we resolve our issues or I am leaving. But then be prepared to follow through, and make your preparations in advance. This does not necessarily mean that divorce is inevitable, but if you leave and it shakes him up enough to want to deal with issues, then it is time for both of you to sit down with a SPIRITUAL counselor (preferably two or more pastors or elders) and get to the heart of the matter -- the conditions of your souls and spirits.

 

[aliisadog]

Sorry Karraster, I meant to reply directly to you but forgot to reply with quote. My reply is a couple of messages down.

Hi, (belated) welcome to CC. Sounds like you are in a difficult situation. You came here looking for answers, did you try any of the suggestions in the months you were away? My Mother once told me, "Don't give 50%, expecting him to give 50%, and think that amounts to 100%. No. Shoot for 100% regardless of what percent he gives. You may find after all, that he will gladly meet you more than halfway.

Truly I feel for you both. I don't know why he is in a wheelchair, but gotta tell ya, that seems quite challenging. I'd imagine days he may be angry, feel sorry for himself? Dunno, everybody's different, I was thinking I probably would. It sounds as if you're both scared. Why, I can't really say...maybe of loosing each other? Sometimes our fears make us do weird things, almost try to bring on what it is we fear. Know what I mean?

As Christians, we are supposed to love each other based on our "worth", not whether we "deserve" it. We are worth so much that our Saviour died for us. Let's face it, we all are undeserving at times.

How 'bout just for 1 week, be sweet as pie. For 1 week remember how Jesus suffered for us before each interaction with husband. In addition to that, do not obsess over your husband or kids period. Live in the moment, don't borrow trouble, and try to get completely immersed in a project or something. Maybe by taking your focus off your problems, those problems may loose their power over you. Something needs to shake them loose, before your health is wrecked.

I'll be praying for you sister. A good marriage is worth working toward. My husband is my best friend. I thank the Lord for every day with him. It can be that way for you too.

 

[aliisadog]

Thanks for your directness. This is really what I need. The way my husband's religion believes, there's not a real point of conversion, just kind of growing into Christianity and they're very works oriented to keep their salvation. We've recently talked about it and I'm beginning to lean toward thinking he's not saved. He has gone before the church to say he had sinned in public and private on two occasions about his drinking. He doesn't seem to have the Holy Spirit living in him convicting him of right and wrong though. Me, on the other hand, I'm very black and white and have an overactive conscience. I have no doubt I'm saved. It's when I try to do things in the flesh that I mess things up. My human tendency is to be negative and critical and I fight Satan's temptation in this area. I've been out of fellowship with real Christians because there is no one in this town of 270 that I can spend time with and that I trust. I didn't want to change churches, have to drive to another town and go by myself, but I figured out that's what God's leading me to. I imagine that will make a huge difference in my walk.

It would be good to hear other ideas on how to turn away from negativity. The things you suggest are impossible. To start, I live in an extremely small house. I've gone into the bedroom (he takes that as rejection and me being judgmental) to try to get away from the TV. There's a TV in the bedroom and I like watching ministry shows. My husband always has the TV on when he's home and he likes it loud and just turns it up when I go into the other room. He watches the local and national news every night too. Second, for the immediate time, I'm recovering from shoulder surgery and the only comfortable chair in the house is in the den.

As far as leaving, I have no where to go. I sold my house and moved from my hometown. I've had a myriad of health issues that have kept me from being able to work and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to return to work. I gave my last husband an ultimatum and it didn't matter. This is my third marriage and I think over and over I've got to deal with my own sins before I can leave because of his. I haven't been threatened or feel unsafe with him, just miserable.

Thanks!!

This about sums it up. So the real underlying issue is whether your husband is truly saved or simply claims to be a Christian. Genuine Christians are willing to deal with their present sins and turn away from them. Looks like he has no interest in taking a good hard look at himself and perhaps he never truly repented and was converted.

As to "I'm the type who wears my feelings on my shoulders and I speak my mind most of the time, a lot of times in a critical and complaining fashion, not toward him, but just in general" it is time for you to deal with your critical spirit and repent (turn away from) all negativity. If you watch TV news or hear radio news, SHUT THEM OFF ALTOGETHER. It is mostly garbage and lies being presented to poison your mind and spirit. Better yet, get rid of your TV.

If things have become intolerable, you might have to give your husband an ultimatum -- either we resolve our issues or I am leaving. But then be prepared to follow through, and make your preparations in advance. This does not necessarily mean that divorce is inevitable, but if you leave and it shakes him up enough to want to deal with issues, then it is time for both of you to sit down with a SPIRITUAL counselor (preferably two or more pastors or elders) and get to the heart of the matter -- the conditions of your souls and spirits.

 

[Karraster]

Hi aliisadog, you musn't loose hope. Granted, there are many challenges in your life, but you don't seem like the type to entertain that spirit of fear forever. You really do have so much going for you and more power than you know. It's a difficult time just now, and you're worn out from it all.

There is so many aspects/dynamics going on all at once, it's confusing. Not only can't I make it all out, but doubt even you will ever get answers to all the questions, why does he go on a binge right before the children's visit? His jealousy? The kid's behaviour? etc..

Maybe he drinks because he is an alcoholic. You can't fix him, but there are support groups to help you learn to live in peace and be quite happy in spite of it. You can't make his children love and respect you, but you can choose to be good to them, fulfill your role and feel good about yourself in that regard. Some people are easy to love, others not so much. I've read somewhere, the people who are the hardest to love are the people who need love the most. I've never decided if I thought that was true, but it sounds rather philosophical don't you think? (lil humor there)

The jealousy thing I'm pretty sure is insecurity. That's too bad. Don't you know it would be miserable to feel like that? It's good you do not feel sorry for him, as that would be the worst reaction you could have. What husband would want a wife feeling sorry for him? Sure, others around him feeling sorry for him, but you? No that would be humiliating I'd imagine.

Financial concerns can be turned around. I don't know if you work or not, (oh I just now see where you say not working now?) but these days there are jobs that can be done, even from home. I've recently heard about virtual assistants who work from home, for example. But of course I do not know your capabilities, so I can see that is a legitimate concern. Still, we are instructed to be anxious for nothing, and with good reason. Anxiety and fear is counter to faith. Be strong my friend. We serve an Almighty God who is able to keep you.

 

[Nehemiah6]

I didn't want to change churches, have to drive to another town and go by myself, but I figured out that's what God's leading me to. I imagine that will make a huge difference in my walk.

Hi aliisadog,

Thanks for honestly sharing your issues. Sorry to hear that you really have no option to move out at this time or be independent. However, what you have stated above is an excellent idea and perhaps the Lord has put that on your heart. But rather than make it a hostile move, you should let your husband know that God is leading you in that direction, and you would like him (your husband) to accompany you.

If he refuses, then you should let him know that this is really important for your spiritual wellbeing and make a commitment to go every week (if not more frequently). Once there you can ask the Christians to pray for your marriage without necessarily going into details (as you have shared here). The less said the better for all concerned. Those prayers could possibly impact on your husband very positively, since God does answer earnest prayers. If nothing else you will have the fellowship of brothers and sisters in Christ to enable you to carry on until there is a breakthrough.

 

[aliisadog]

Hi aliisadog, you musn't loose hope. Granted, there are many challenges in your life, but you don't seem like the type to entertain that spirit of fear forever. You really do have so much going for you and more power than you know. It's a difficult time just now, and you're worn out from it all.

There is so many aspects/dynamics going on all at once, it's confusing. Not only can't I make it all out, but doubt even you will ever get answers to all the questions, why does he go on a binge right before the children's visit? His jealousy? The kid's behaviour? etc..

Maybe he drinks because he is an alcoholic. You can't fix him, but there are support groups to help you learn to live in peace and be quite happy in spite of it. You can't make his children love and respect you, but you can choose to be good to them, fulfill your role and feel good about yourself in that regard. Some people are easy to love, others not so much. I've read somewhere, the people who are the hardest to love are the people who need love the most. I've never decided if I thought that was true, but it sounds rather philosophical don't you think? (lil humor there)

The jealousy thing I'm pretty sure is insecurity. That's too bad. Don't you know it would be miserable to feel like that? It's good you do not feel sorry for him, as that would be the worst reaction you could have. What husband would want a wife feeling sorry for him? Sure, others around him feeling sorry for him, but you? No that would be humiliating I'd imagine.

Financial concerns can be turned around. I don't know if you work or not, (oh I just now see where you say not working now?) but these days there are jobs that can be done, even from home. I've recently heard about virtual assistants who work from home, for example. But of course I do not know your capabilities, so I can see that is a legitimate concern. Still, we are instructed to be anxious for nothing, and with good reason. Anxiety and fear is counter to faith. Be strong my friend. We serve an Almighty God who is able to keep you.

I'm losing hope every day that things can never be right in the marriage. My eternal hope is that I will be with my Jesus one day. I'm definitely worn down by all of it.

You’re right, feeling sorry for him would be the worst reaction. It would definitely humiliate him and give him more reason for self pity.

My husband says he doesn't have a drinking problem. There’s a lot in the mental community who say binge drinking is a form of alcoholism but others say a binge drinker is not alcohol dependent but an alcohol abuser. He says he binges right before the kids come because he’s nervous things are going to be bad. And he binges again right after they leave because he said I was not nice. I was not nice because he had binged so I was still reeling from the mess of it all. So the cycle gets vicious. In the summer, he binges because he misses them. Other binges happen because he’s kept so much inside and we’re not getting along, or he says he gets drunk just to spite me. I've been to the codependent groups that I really identified with and Alanon, that I did not take to well, even AA meetings to learn to empathize with the alcoholic.

My husband knows his kids will only be here during hunting season and he won't see them again for nine months. These 2 grown children and their spouses come all together with the grandkids and at one point three large Labradors; one of them fights with my dog, and my dog has to be isolated for the week. They ask friends to come with them before they clear it with us and sometimes they come. Then another kid and his wife and their babies who live close come over for dinner. My husband loves the chaos and a full house and said that’s his greatest joy in his life is when they are here and he loves to cook for them. The rest of the 3 month hunting season, his son drives back from 8 hours away to hunt and uses our house like a hotel because that's the way it's always been. The longest he stayed at one time was three weeks straight. There's not enough things for me to do to get me out of the house and get away. He's disrespectful of the things in our home treating it just as if he's staying in a hotel. He just leaves everything scattered and lays things all over the furniture, to the point of breaking things, losing things and forgetting things. None of this bothers my husband, he's a guy, these are his kids and grandkids, their behavior is normal to him, they are blood related. He’s not going to tell his kids they can't stay for a week or three weeks at a time because he knows he won't see them until it's next hunting season. It makes me a little crazy. I'm the outsider looking in and the jealousy is on my part, in that I just wish that I got the same love from him that he has for his kids, and you know, that does make me miserable.

I will look into the virtual reality jobs. I think I could do that. I was a transcriptionist for 15 years. Thanks!

 

[aliisadog]

Hi aliisadog,

Thanks for honestly sharing your issues. Sorry to hear that you really have no option to move out at this time or be independent. However, what you have stated above is an excellent idea and perhaps the Lord has put that on your heart. But rather than make it a hostile move, you should let your husband know that God is leading you in that direction, and you would like him (your husband) to accompany you.

If he refuses, then you should let him know that this is really important for your spiritual wellbeing and make a commitment to go every week (if not more frequently). Once there you can ask the Christians to pray for your marriage without necessarily going into details (as you have shared here). The less said the better for all concerned. Those prayers could possibly impact on your husband very positively, since God does answer earnest prayers. If nothing else you will have the fellowship of brothers and sisters in Christ to enable you to carry on until there is a breakthrough.

Sometimes too honestly, huh? I've talked with him saying those exact same things to my husband in a loving way and he will not leave his family that runs his church, even though he told me he'd take me to another church at least every other week. It's so hard for him not to go with me. I loved sitting with him and hearing his input and I like the people, I just thing they are doctrinally flawed and they talk badly about other religions. I will definitely ask for prayer for my husband and spare the details. I'm hoping with more prayers that there will be a breakthrough. That's what this is all about. Getting our souls right to come back together as better people.
Thank you!!

 

[aliisadog]

If he doesn't respond, I ask him, "So, what are you thinking?"

(Easy for us. I'm the one who tries to do the silent treatment, and me, being a girl and all, can't last but a couple of hours. lol)

Thanks, I do that all the time!!

 

[aliisadog]

Slave, if you're still following this thread, I just read this a few days ago. This is a deep answer that I need to really study. I'll reply shortly. Thanks!!

 

[aliisadog]

It can be difficult as I know men with similar characters. One of my brothers has a similar character but maybe in a lesser degree and he is learning (Now he is married) to become more open.
One man who was a church leader is like this and while we get on OK, I find it can be impossible to bring any past hurts into the open as he refuses to even reply when I do as in the past more then one situation rose that need explaining as he had lead him to have the wrong opinion of me. Without being able to speak about such things I can't give him the information to bring forth a true version of events. It has brought an unseen gap as I feel there is no way to open up to him and I would upset him if I tried.
While at the other end of the extreme are those of us who want to talk how we feel and want a two way open conversation to sooth hurts and bridge gaps, and this causes hurts and frustrations when the two come together.
I've never been married but can understand the issues here. I have seen the same character of never opening up in women as well. I had a grandmother who was a lovely lady and always giving, but she did have a stubbornness of being upset with something and no one had a clue why and she would never say why she was upset! (It came from her background of being born and raised in the Midlands in the UK, which I'm told was how they lived! Anything that upset one was bottled up so it would not cause an argument or an ill word. It was their interpretation of what they should do as Christians. My mum said at times her parents would both ben upset with each other and bothsit stoney faced on each side of the room and not utter a word untill after many hours or the next day their anger would subside! Most people from my area (Different area to where my mums parents lived) are the opposite where we feel the need to be open and explain feelings.
The solution is for you both to remember love. OK, he needs to open up more and you need to call each day a new day. A fresh start. The issues can arise with things that really need to be discussed that effect some subject that needs urgent attention. All I can advise is love and pray.
You can't change people, even yourself. But God can do it! So there is hope yet!

Just read this recently. If you are still on this thread, I'll reply shortly.

 

[aliisadog]

Sounds like he doesnt or can't talk to you, because he is just waiting
for you to criticise him, or for an argument to flare up. So he decides
its better not to talk.

While you want to talk and get frustrated at him for ignoring you
or for not talking things through. You feel he never includes you or talks
to you.

If you both cant work it out and understand what is happening and why,
then maybe a councillor can help. You both have probably got things you
need to change.

Sorry for my late response. I imagine he is waiting for me to criticize him; but it mostly starts with me calling him out about his alcohol abuse.
I remember now, he finally said he would go to marriage counseling. When I checked on it, insurance won't pay. We are on a fixed income from his disability and can't afford it. Insurance will pay for individual counseling but he won't do that.

 

[aliisadog]

Ask him to address the things he's upset with HIMSELF about.. you may be surprised..

We've talked about that. He doesn't like what he's doing and hates his life. Only thing he enjoys is his grown kids and granddaughters.

 

[7777pinacled]

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum, so forgive me if my dilemma has been addressed before.
My husband and I are both Christians and have been married for 1 1/2 years. We each have two grown children living a good distance from us. Just like every other male and female, we have different ways of communicating. I'm the type who wears my feelings on my shoulders and I speak my mind most of the time, a lot of times in a critical and complaining fashion, not toward him, but just in general. My husband keeps his thoughts to himself when I've upset him and they come spilling out about every 2 to 3 weeks in a hurtful way with anger, shouting, tone and his tearing me down to the point I shut down emotionally. We end up just existing in the same house; he staying stubborn to acknowledge his outburst (even with me trying to talk to him about it) and me staying quiet and hurt.
The last time this happened, we literally had no meaningful conversation for 2 weeks; we didn't eat together, sleep together or go anywhere together. I eventually had to leave town to visit relatives and get away from the tension. Then, and only then, did he soften and begin talking to me. I've made mistakes in our relationship in the past for which he says he has forgiven me, but he continues to remind me of them when he has his outbursts.
It happened again today and I was reamed through the coals with insults on my character. I have talked to my pastor, thought about going to counseling, and asked him to go to counseling to no avail. I'm sure there is so much I'm leaving out but I need advice on practical things I might do.
I moved to his little town of around 300 people when we got married and it's been very hard to make friends and my friends are 100s of miles away. Any helpful suggestions? Thanks in advance.

As you have described the situation, this is more than just a man and issues of anger.
There should be no reason for him to attack you personally at all.
Most men are fairly simple and methodical, upset their comfort and they will let you know exactly what has upset them.

If his spouse were to continue to upset him, the relationship will become tense as you have already stated.


What exactly have you two not worked out in a compromise.
Or, what exactly has upset your bo.