Presbyterian/Baptist War
- Thread starter Desdichado
- Start date
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It’s all in jest
It’s all in fun
Just chill and rest
Drink some coffee
And eat a honeybun
Desdichado!
Get outta the house
Quit being a louse
Fight me you
Lilly livered Presby
Are you a man or a mouse?
"I like cheese!"
Desdicahdo quickly stated
Then my anger
Was quickly abated
Because I know
This thread is ill-fated
A drunk Presby
Starting a thread
To debate a gluttonous Baptist
He had to know
He'd end up
With a fat lip
Get outta the house
Quit being a louse
Fight me you
Lilly livered Presby
Are you a man or a mouse?
"I like cheese!"
Desdicahdo quickly stated
Then my anger
Was quickly abated
Because I know
This thread is ill-fated
A drunk Presby
Starting a thread
To debate a gluttonous Baptist
He had to know
He'd end up
With a fat lip
Desdichado
Gone MIA
No one can find him
Even the CIA
Has any one seen him
Has any one seen him post
I guess he's missing
Like Mr. Chicken's ghost
Gone MIA
No one can find him
Even the CIA
Has any one seen him
Has any one seen him post
I guess he's missing
Like Mr. Chicken's ghost
Desdichado
Still moving, yes
Contrived as a game of Chess
Described by the band Yes
I have a confession
A sin so vile
It harms my mission
Cramps my style
My quest for a new church is done
Sweat goes from brow to wrist
Grab the casserole and run
The church I attend is Baptist
But I'm still technically a Presbyterian. Ha.
Still moving, yes
Contrived as a game of Chess
Described by the band Yes
I have a confession
A sin so vile
It harms my mission
Cramps my style
My quest for a new church is done
Sweat goes from brow to wrist
Grab the casserole and run
The church I attend is Baptist
But I'm still technically a Presbyterian. Ha.
A Presby attending
A Baptist church
What’s next
Buckingham Palace hires
A butler named Lurch
Tis the last days
Sound the alarm
When it’s known
A Presby is in there
He’ll get his teeth kicked in
By that Baptist schoolmarm
A Baptist church
What’s next
Buckingham Palace hires
A butler named Lurch
Tis the last days
Sound the alarm
When it’s known
A Presby is in there
He’ll get his teeth kicked in
By that Baptist schoolmarm
Desdichado is leaving
The Presby faith
Baptists are bobbing and weaving
When he shows his face
They gasp in horror
Their mouths dropped in fear
Him with their baby
The water, don’t let him go near
He’s in a quandry
He’s in a plight
He’s doing their laundry
Hoping they accept
His drinking Coors Light
But we know why
He switched from Presby to Baptist
Presbys drink liquor
Baptist Blue Ribbon of Pabst
But when one goes
To a church of Baptist faith
When they read their bibles there
They know it’s never too late
To jump the ship of Presby contrition
And join the buffet line
And fill their plate
The Presby faith
Baptists are bobbing and weaving
When he shows his face
They gasp in horror
Their mouths dropped in fear
Him with their baby
The water, don’t let him go near
He’s in a quandry
He’s in a plight
He’s doing their laundry
Hoping they accept
His drinking Coors Light
But we know why
He switched from Presby to Baptist
Presbys drink liquor
Baptist Blue Ribbon of Pabst
But when one goes
To a church of Baptist faith
When they read their bibles there
They know it’s never too late
To jump the ship of Presby contrition
And join the buffet line
And fill their plate
It was pretty funny.
When I visited the Baptist church, they had this GIANT box of doughnuts on their greeting table. I tried to hide my high level of amusement at this fact.
I then grabbed two doughnut holes and a mug of delicious coffee. I'd trade Presby Liquor for Baptist coffee any day of the week.
But don't think this means you've won the war. Irish separatists still drink Bushmills.
When I visited the Baptist church, they had this GIANT box of doughnuts on their greeting table. I tried to hide my high level of amusement at this fact.
I then grabbed two doughnut holes and a mug of delicious coffee. I'd trade Presby Liquor for Baptist coffee any day of the week.
But don't think this means you've won the war. Irish separatists still drink Bushmills.
Doughnuts on the greeting table?
The Baptist said, “Yum!”
The drunk Presby thought
”What a gluttonous bum!”
“At my church
We have soda and liquor
To serve our congregants
To get them out quicker”
”No need to tarry
At church,” the Presby did state
“We like to go to the buffets
And watch those gluttonous Baptists
Repeatedly fill their plates”
The Baptist said, “Yum!”
The drunk Presby thought
”What a gluttonous bum!”
“At my church
We have soda and liquor
To serve our congregants
To get them out quicker”
”No need to tarry
At church,” the Presby did state
“We like to go to the buffets
And watch those gluttonous Baptists
Repeatedly fill their plates”
The Presby Pastor was awakened
By shouting from the sanctuary
That the churches' pillars were shakened
He thought, "I better get there fast
I better not tarry"
He runs down the stairs
At a frightening pace
He stumbles over his Pastor's chair
And lands upon his face
He gets up without delay
"I need to get there fast
I'll run like I am in a relay
Before they kick my ass,
My trusty mule, 'Daisy Mae'"
He goes into the sanctuary
His congregants are calling for lighting
Praying God, "Our request, please do not tarry
Answer our pray, because this sight is frightening!"
He stands before his flock
"What's with this ado?"
Then a member cleaned his clock
A fine howdy do
His congregants keep saying,
"He needs stoned then crucified
We do not need him any longer staying
He needs fried, died and laid to the side!"
"What did I do?"
The Presby pastor asked
Then a congregant whispered what he did
After which he took a swig from his flask
He looked at him
And said, "Whisper that to me again"
Then the congregant whispered on a whim
"You invited here to preach
Benny Hinn"
By shouting from the sanctuary
That the churches' pillars were shakened
He thought, "I better get there fast
I better not tarry"
He runs down the stairs
At a frightening pace
He stumbles over his Pastor's chair
And lands upon his face
He gets up without delay
"I need to get there fast
I'll run like I am in a relay
Before they kick my ass,
My trusty mule, 'Daisy Mae'"
He goes into the sanctuary
His congregants are calling for lighting
Praying God, "Our request, please do not tarry
Answer our pray, because this sight is frightening!"
He stands before his flock
"What's with this ado?"
Then a member cleaned his clock
A fine howdy do
His congregants keep saying,
"He needs stoned then crucified
We do not need him any longer staying
He needs fried, died and laid to the side!"
"What did I do?"
The Presby pastor asked
Then a congregant whispered what he did
After which he took a swig from his flask
He looked at him
And said, "Whisper that to me again"
Then the congregant whispered on a whim
"You invited here to preach
Benny Hinn"
Dear Reverand Presby
The infiltration's a success
They think I wouldn't dunk a baby
And make a watery mess
I'll tell all that I see
All that I hear
Pastor's mournful plea
To them men shaped like steer
When they are abed
Their bellies filled with fat
I'll unlock this shed
You'll sneak in like a cat
Beware of Presbys
Whenever they bear gifts
They'll dunk the Baptist babies
While drinking potent fifths
The infiltration's a success
They think I wouldn't dunk a baby
And make a watery mess
I'll tell all that I see
All that I hear
Pastor's mournful plea
To them men shaped like steer
When they are abed
Their bellies filled with fat
I'll unlock this shed
You'll sneak in like a cat
Beware of Presbys
Whenever they bear gifts
They'll dunk the Baptist babies
While drinking potent fifths
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The Presby stands backstage
He thinks "Oh my gawd,
There's Alex Trebek
I am a lifelong fan
Now I am a nervous wreck!"
He stands behind the podium
The signaling device in hand
As Alex reads off the categories
His mind's in a far away land
He thinks, "I know none of the categories
I know I am not that bright
I guess I should have listened
Better to dad's stories
But now I am a fright!"
But there's a glimmer of hope
For one of the categories is 'Potent Potables'
"Maybe I won't look like quite the dope
And my name will then become notable."
Was his thought
"I'll take 'Potent Potables' for $200 Alex"
The Presby loudly averred
"I'll show'em what for
My wisdom will cause them fear!"
Alex gives the answer
"In 1852, in St. Louis, this company was formed
And caused ppl to become pickled"
The Presby hits his button
But he shows he's as wise as mutton
When he uttered, "What is George Dickel?"
"No, I am sorry,"
Was what Alex clearly stated
The Presby's ire became unstable
It could not be abated
Even after throwing Mr. Trebek under a table
"I know my booze, wine, whiskey, spirits"
Loudly boomed the crazed Presby
As they carried off the stage
He was unhinged like a wild ape
Like a Calvinist in his cage
He goes to jail as quick as '1, 2, 3'
He's booked into the inner jail
To a cell called 'Gay Paris'<---prounounced Pair-E
And no one would go his bail
#OohLaLa!
#OhHoHo!
He thinks "Oh my gawd,
There's Alex Trebek
I am a lifelong fan
Now I am a nervous wreck!"
He stands behind the podium
The signaling device in hand
As Alex reads off the categories
His mind's in a far away land
He thinks, "I know none of the categories
I know I am not that bright
I guess I should have listened
Better to dad's stories
But now I am a fright!"
But there's a glimmer of hope
For one of the categories is 'Potent Potables'
"Maybe I won't look like quite the dope
And my name will then become notable."
Was his thought
"I'll take 'Potent Potables' for $200 Alex"
The Presby loudly averred
"I'll show'em what for
My wisdom will cause them fear!"
Alex gives the answer
"In 1852, in St. Louis, this company was formed
And caused ppl to become pickled"
The Presby hits his button
But he shows he's as wise as mutton
When he uttered, "What is George Dickel?"
"No, I am sorry,"
Was what Alex clearly stated
The Presby's ire became unstable
It could not be abated
Even after throwing Mr. Trebek under a table
"I know my booze, wine, whiskey, spirits"
Loudly boomed the crazed Presby
As they carried off the stage
He was unhinged like a wild ape
Like a Calvinist in his cage
He goes to jail as quick as '1, 2, 3'
He's booked into the inner jail
To a cell called 'Gay Paris'<---prounounced Pair-E
And no one would go his bail
#OohLaLa!
#OhHoHo!
(Baptist) Man:
Come to your window, maid
I'll sing you a sonnet
Follow me into the glade
Quick as you tie the bonnet
(Presby) Maiden:
Not so fast you silly cad
Break thyself from trance
I hear the footsteps of my dad
Forbidding our romance
Man:
Your father is a swine
Your father is a pig
For he will never let us dine
Or watch me dance my jig
Maiden:
You forget yourself good sir
Manners must be paid
If you are seen to err
In ground ye be laid
Man:
My love I shall proclaim
More words must be said
To lose my lovely Dame
Would make me join the dead
Maiden:
With salvation, our love was ordained
In eternity past
Such things cannot be feigned
But fated to last
Man:
I'm not so sure of this
I cannot share your opinion
For my pastor is a Dispy
And my deacons are Arminian
Maiden:
Get off my lawn!
Come to your window, maid
I'll sing you a sonnet
Follow me into the glade
Quick as you tie the bonnet
(Presby) Maiden:
Not so fast you silly cad
Break thyself from trance
I hear the footsteps of my dad
Forbidding our romance
Man:
Your father is a swine
Your father is a pig
For he will never let us dine
Or watch me dance my jig
Maiden:
You forget yourself good sir
Manners must be paid
If you are seen to err
In ground ye be laid
Man:
My love I shall proclaim
More words must be said
To lose my lovely Dame
Would make me join the dead
Maiden:
With salvation, our love was ordained
In eternity past
Such things cannot be feigned
But fated to last
Man:
I'm not so sure of this
I cannot share your opinion
For my pastor is a Dispy
And my deacons are Arminian
Maiden:
Get off my lawn!
This is the truth
Today, I was thinking of a Romeo and Juliet themed poem with a Baptist and Presby in it. Just wasn't for sure which would be which.
That was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's bizarre because it's never occurred to me to write one before this. It was A LOT of fun to do. Glad you like it!
Homelio the Baptist and Fooliet the Presby
Fooliet: Homelio, Homelio, where for art thou, Homelio?
Homelio: Fairest maiden Fooliet, I am over here in yonder rose garden.
Fooliet: Why art thou there my love? Art thou trying to keep from getting plopped on by that dove?
Homelio: No, my fair maiden. I am here avoiding yonder's police officers. You see, whilst I was out, I had one too many stouts, and when they saw me on my trusty mule, Daisy Mae, they sought to lock me away and hide the key.
Fooliet: By my dear sir, I have warned you of the perils of those spirits, as the bible says to test them, not taste them. This is what happens whenst thou does not heed the advice of your future wife. Must I tell you this again?
Homelio: No, my fair lady. Tis true, and you are once again correct. I disobeyed your warning and almost got a broken neck.
Fooliet: Please listen to me, my love, whenever I speak to you....
Homelio: I am sorry, my dear, what was that you said to your fool?
Fooliet: I have to go and repeat myself over and over again, and in the end, I see my future husband evading the police and hiding in a rose garden.
Homelio: I am sorry, my fair maiden, for my short attention span. But I can only focus on one thing at a time, because I am a man.
Fooliet: Well focus on this, Homelio.
We close as her secret lover, Prince Escalator takes her to her upper room, and leaves Homelio in the rose garden to gloom and doom.
Fooliet: Homelio, Homelio, where for art thou, Homelio?
Homelio: Fairest maiden Fooliet, I am over here in yonder rose garden.
Fooliet: Why art thou there my love? Art thou trying to keep from getting plopped on by that dove?
Homelio: No, my fair maiden. I am here avoiding yonder's police officers. You see, whilst I was out, I had one too many stouts, and when they saw me on my trusty mule, Daisy Mae, they sought to lock me away and hide the key.
Fooliet: By my dear sir, I have warned you of the perils of those spirits, as the bible says to test them, not taste them. This is what happens whenst thou does not heed the advice of your future wife. Must I tell you this again?
Homelio: No, my fair lady. Tis true, and you are once again correct. I disobeyed your warning and almost got a broken neck.
Fooliet: Please listen to me, my love, whenever I speak to you....
Homelio: I am sorry, my dear, what was that you said to your fool?
Fooliet: I have to go and repeat myself over and over again, and in the end, I see my future husband evading the police and hiding in a rose garden.
Homelio: I am sorry, my fair maiden, for my short attention span. But I can only focus on one thing at a time, because I am a man.
Fooliet: Well focus on this, Homelio.
We close as her secret lover, Prince Escalator takes her to her upper room, and leaves Homelio in the rose garden to gloom and doom.
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LMBO! That's awesome! Does your gal know what she's gotten herself into?
You guys are somethin' else!