Wife has no interest in me.

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T

tinsley

Guest
#1
#1
After more than 10 years of marriage, I am just tired of my wife not wanting me physically. We've never had a particularly "active" marriage but the length of time between our intimate encounters has kept growing and she finally told me that she has no desire for me sexually.

Valentine's Day, anniversary, my birthday...no sex. Here I am, a man who loves to cuddle, who wants more than just the "act," who loves to talk about how attractive I find her and how I love being completely open to her and she just does NOT CARE. I don't go out all the time without her, I rarely work late, I help out with our 2 young kids every day (both under 10), I don't complain when she wants to go out with her friends. I don't think I'm a bad guy here. She loves to watch romantic comedies but she doesn't have the least interest in having a romantic relationship with her husband.

She would like to live closer to her parents, and last weekend I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling her to just move because I believe she'd rather be with them than with me. I'm just tired of being neglected and hurt.

I've begun to show signs of anxiety and there have been times that I just lay on the couch and feel like I can't move. I need help and I'm scared to ask for it. I feel like I'm trapped. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of hurting this deeply.
 
M

MirageLeaf

Guest
#2
#2
I think you should remember an important fact. Women as they grow older biologically, generally stop taking interest in physical sexual activities. The women that still like sex are just consciously wanting it, but their bodies don't tell them that they want it.

There is menopause for women. Women are at the peak of sexual ability and ability to have child-birth at age 28. Eventually, they lose ability to procreate.

Men drop in sexuality with age, but they can reproduce and have sex all throughout their lifespan.
 
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MirageLeaf

Guest
#3
#3
You don't need to have sex to have God and Jesus Christ in your life. It's all in your head that you need it.

Sex even in marriage is gluttonous. For example, you might have worked hard for money to buy good things and you buy loads of tasty food. Then you pig out on it. You earned it fair and square and honestly, but you're still gluttonous.
 
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MirageLeaf

Guest
#4
#4
I really honestly believe that there are others ways to show your wife that you love her.
 
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BellaFlor

Guest
#5
#5
I think it is weird your wife doesn't wants you sexually, this is also a important part of the marriage, and you are both to focuse more on how to make each others feel loved. Perhaps her love language isn't so much physical touch, but yours seems being that, so she should be aware of that when she is physical with you, no matter if it is to cuddle or having sex, this will mean a lot to you. If she only bases on her only needs, she will never truly find happiness in only pleasing herself.

I don't agree with what MirageLeaf says, since there is many women that enjoys having sex with their husbands past 28 too. Women can also have it though their bodies might not function for having a child. Sex isn't only about having children, it is a ultimate wonderful way of showing love between a man and a woman as well.

If you haven't read this book, maybe you and your wife could give it a try? It is a very good try and can make you both understand more how to reach each others in a better way through marriage, knowing how to make each others feeling more loved: "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. :)

Don't loose hope, your marriage can still be fixed. Most of all, the best one to reconcile and repair relationships is God.
 
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godsbluesman

Guest
#6
#6
MirageLeaf said:
You don't need to have sex to have God and Jesus Christ in your life. It's all in your head that you need it.

Sex even in marriage is gluttonous. For example, you might have worked hard for money to buy good things and you buy loads of tasty food. Then you pig out on it. You earned it fair and square and honestly, but you're still gluttonous.
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Ok DUDE--When You grow up--maaaybe you should post on a problem like this-gluttonous?
Sex for a man is a natural part of us--and women--my wife is 50 and still VERY active sexually-learn a little from life before you give advice on it-at 21 you havent even fully matured yet-
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#7
#7
tinsley said:
After more than 10 years of marriage, I am just tired of my wife not wanting me physically. We've never had a particularly "active" marriage but the length of time between our intimate encounters has kept growing and she finally told me that she has no desire for me sexually.

Valentine's Day, anniversary, my birthday...no sex. Here I am, a man who loves to cuddle, who wants more than just the "act," who loves to talk about how attractive I find her and how I love being completely open to her and she just does NOT CARE. I don't go out all the time without her, I rarely work late, I help out with our 2 young kids every day (both under 10), I don't complain when she wants to go out with her friends. I don't think I'm a bad guy here. She loves to watch romantic comedies but she doesn't have the least interest in having a romantic relationship with her husband.

She would like to live closer to her parents, and last weekend I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling her to just move because I believe she'd rather be with them than with me. I'm just tired of being neglected and hurt.

I've begun to show signs of anxiety and there have been times that I just lay on the couch and feel like I can't move. I need help and I'm scared to ask for it. I feel like I'm trapped. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of hurting this deeply.
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You sound like a great husband tinsley, i really mean that. One of two things, its like mirageleaf said, women when they get to a certain age they stop desiring sex. Or there could be more going on with your wife than you think, have you sat down and asked her why in detail doesnt she want to have sex with you??

Women will always want to be near their mothers. I know for myself, i moved next to my parents because i wanted to be closer to them. Im sure if i ever get married i will want to be next to my parents still. Its easier for men to leave their parents and stay on their own, but with women its different.
Im really sorry this is going on with you. I can tell your very upset about all of this. I will pray that your relationship will get better.
 
Crypto

Crypto

Senior Member
#8
Nov 14, 2009
662
7
18
38
#8
Tinsley: Have you considered going to counseling?
 
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Matthew

Guest
#9
#9
I've never been married so ignore me if this doesn't sound like what's going on but you said there's no pyhsical intimacy but also that you are showing signs of anxiety.

It sounds like the problem is as much about emotional rejection as physical so I wonder if maybe your wifes problem isn't so much a lack of desire for sex but rather a general lack of interest in having a close emotional connection....you mentioned liking cuddles and being open about your feelings etc..

It sounds like there is a deeper issue than just the menopause or a stage of life issue, I know it's the easy answer to give but I agree with Crypto that maybe counselling could help, at the very least I think you need to get some time alone with the her and try and confront the issue and let her know that you aren't happy and you want to try something.
If you're sitting at tables imagining what you want to say but then saying something else or nothing at all then that shows that the basic level of honesty and respect that needs to exist in marriage no longer does.....once you reach that point you need to get pro-active in making sure it goes no further.

I think you should try and pursue couples counselling to find out what it is that has turned her off wanting to be open with you.

I hope things get better for you.
 
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Clou

Guest
#10
#10
MirageLeaf said:
I think you should remember an important fact. Women as they grow older biologically, generally stop taking interest in physical sexual activities. The women that still like sex are just consciously wanting it, but their bodies don't tell them that they want it.

There is menopause for women. Women are at the peak of sexual ability and ability to have child-birth at age 28. Eventually, they lose ability to procreate.

Men drop in sexuality with age, but they can reproduce and have sex all throughout their lifespan.
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I disagree, because I am a 54 year old woman whose body is always ready for a sexual encounter with my husband, who needs to have a week to recover.
I think what has happened is by his wife going out with so-called friends, she has gotten involved with someone else.
All I can advise him to do is seek the Lords Face in the word, be faithful, open and obediant to the guidance of the Holy Spitit.
It may not look very good right now,in fact, it may be devestating, but the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you like people will.
Read Hebrews 13:4-5
Stop talking about it, pray, and let the Lord heal your heart. Be Blessed.
 
S

silverwind

Guest
#11
#11
MirageLeaf said:
I think you should remember an important fact. Women as they grow older biologically, generally stop taking interest in physical sexual activities. The women that still like sex are just consciously wanting it, but their bodies don't tell them that they want it.

There is menopause for women. Women are at the peak of sexual ability and ability to have child-birth at age 28. Eventually, they lose ability to procreate.

Men drop in sexuality with age, but they can reproduce and have sex all throughout their lifespan.
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Wrong!
and what makes you so knowledgable at age 21 about menopause? hm?
Sometimes women just want emotional connection. We are not wired like men are wired. We want different things. Men shouldn't go into depression just because their woman isn't interested in 'sex' everytime they are.
(i should write a book on this, lol)
 
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Consumed

Guest
#12
#12
and the bible says

1Co 7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
1Co 7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
1Co 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
 
D

distinctiveministry

Banned
#13
Mar 2, 2010
537
3
0
#13
I think the advice to see a counselor was sound, but I also think your wife should be talking to a gynecologist about this. There are a lot of possible medical explanations for decreased desire for sex, hormones being prominent, but not the only one. The real issue for me is why she hasn't already done this (if that is the case). Not having any sexual desire isn't normal, not having any desire and doing nothing about it isn't loving. Just like the verses quote above say, "do not deprive one another". If your desires and needs are in a fairly normal and healthy range, then she's wrong to deny you, even if she doesn't want it herself. And when she is denying you for weeks or months at a time, thats definitely wrong.
I would definitely go to marriage counseling AND encourage your wife to talk to her doctor.
 
F

FrankensteinGirls

Banned
#14
Aug 8, 2010
531
3
0
#14
I thought woman reached the peak of sexuality in there 50's or so? Or is it the other way around?

Menopause does not usually happen anywhere near age 28.


My mom had my sis and I after thirty.
 
L

lightbliss

Guest
#15
#15
When a woman reaches menopause, it doesn't mean she no longer wants to have sex.

With menopause there are many factors that can possibly hinder her from engaging in any sexual activity besides decreased "desire"; hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, fatigue, sleep disorders, dizziness, weight gain, dryness, and bloating, to name a few.

It's sorta like she's PMSing :rolleyes:

According to research, woman usually reach their "sexual peak" in their 30s, men in their 20s, but beyond that, they still want to have that "closeness" with their spouse.

If a woman and/or male no longer wants/desires sex (if they're married), then most likely there is some sort of medical problem that is not menopause.
 
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EllaD

Guest
#16
#16
I beg to differ on one comment on here. (I'm new at this stuff so I should probably figure out how to post a quote). Not all women lose their sexual appetite as they grow older. Some become more intense. Thats a pretty general comment to make.

Anyway poster, I'm sorry to hear that. My ex husband was the same way. No matter what I did or tried nothing worked. He claimed he just wasnt sexual like most men. I dunno. Regardless I know how much it feels to be hurt and neglected in that way. I wish I could give advice but I never did figure it out either.
 
1

102088lscg

Guest
#17
#17
Man of GOD! pray... not just pray but speak into her life God has gave you power use it! she is your wife and you have every right to fight for her! nothing is easy and fighting the enemy never is but we have to do it! I had to fight for my husband that why i can tell you how great my God is and how he really is in control ! live the life of God before her let her see that being in God and being inline with his word is the true way to be happy ! hold her up in prayer before God, and let God do the rest. Ill keep you in prayer man of God!
 
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BellaFlor

Guest
#18
#18
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
You sound like a great husband tinsley, i really mean that. One of two things, its like mirageleaf said, women when they get to a certain age they stop desiring sex. Or there could be more going on with your wife than you think, have you sat down and asked her why in detail doesnt she want to have sex with you??

Women will always want to be near their mothers. I know for myself, i moved next to my parents because i wanted to be closer to them. Im sure if i ever get married i will want to be next to my parents still. Its easier for men to leave their parents and stay on their own, but with women its different.
Im really sorry this is going on with you. I can tell your very upset about all of this. I will pray that your relationship will get better.
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Oh, that's a bit funny. I actually read from a Christian Sexual book Advice "Intended for Pleasure" (Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage) by Ed Wheat, M.D Gaye Wheat, that most women and men have their best sex life after turning 45+, both of them if they also keep a happy and healthy marriage life. ;) :)

About wanting to moving closer to your parents as a woman; Well, I think it all depends on your own relationship with them, also it isn't only a "woman issue", have heard about men wanting to do the same too. My friends that are now 31 years old never likes the idea moving close to their parents although they sure have a fine relationship to them.

I myself would never like living close to my parents, nor to my parents in-law. I, but also my husband, wants to have some more privacy with our life. ;) :p
 
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BellaFlor

Guest
#19
#19
NodMyHeadLikeYeah, besides, I guess I am a lot the same like your opnion about men is; I like best the thought of and prefer most to living on my own with my husband, like becoming more independent. ;)
 
Red33

Red33

Banned
#20
Jun 24, 2010
3,822
19
0
#20
tinsley said:
After more than 10 years of marriage, I am just tired of my wife not wanting me physically. We've never had a particularly "active" marriage but the length of time between our intimate encounters has kept growing and she finally told me that she has no desire for me sexually.

Valentine's Day, anniversary, my birthday...no sex. Here I am, a man who loves to cuddle, who wants more than just the "act," who loves to talk about how attractive I find her and how I love being completely open to her and she just does NOT CARE. I don't go out all the time without her, I rarely work late, I help out with our 2 young kids every day (both under 10), I don't complain when she wants to go out with her friends. I don't think I'm a bad guy here. She loves to watch romantic comedies but she doesn't have the least interest in having a romantic relationship with her husband.

She would like to live closer to her parents, and last weekend I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling her to just move because I believe she'd rather be with them than with me. I'm just tired of being neglected and hurt.

I've begun to show signs of anxiety and there have been times that I just lay on the couch and feel like I can't move. I need help and I'm scared to ask for it. I feel like I'm trapped. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of hurting this deeply.
Click to expand...

From what you have shared, your wife knows that you are good husband, a good father and a good provider. Those do not seem to be her issues. You have given her space and she likewise to you, but when it comes to intimacy, she is looking for first love. I want to share something about marriage that you don't normally hear in marriage seminars. The scriptures teach the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. That is a big thing for a husband to do but it is made up of many details. Christ is are all in all and Paul, who was a single man, made the point that he became all things to all people that he might win some. When the women leaves her parents she is to cleave to her husband. This cleaving has to do with how Christ loves the church. The women who cleaves to her husband is not just looking for sexual intimacy, which is crucial, but she is looking for her husband to become and replace all that she left when she left her family. Her family was her first love and she cleaved to that and the nurturing of her mother is what started that first love.

You can not replace her mother but you can nurture your wife. The husband has to love his wife in all those areas that her family loved her and that requires that you lay your life down. You need to win your wife back to her first love and God will show you how to do that. Human love is not sufficient to fulfill this task of loving your wife. The love of a laid down life is greater than human love because it has the power of a resurrected life. The wife is never commanded in the scriptures to love her husband. She learns how to love her husband but she is never commanded to. She will learn how to love her husband by his laid down life. This is part of the two becoming one flesh. She was one flesh with her family and now she is one flesh with you, her husband. The husband will have to learn how to love his wife as she was first loved by every member of her family, her mom, her dad, her brother and her sister. Think about that and find out how they loved her and the kind of relationship they had with her and become that kind of husband because that is her first love. Remember, we love Christ because he first loved us and laid his life down for us. Don't be anxious but trust God to give you the grace needed to fulfill her with her first love.

Don't forget Jer 29:11.
 
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