Interracial marriage & it's challenges

Bella_audrey · Jun 24, 2018

Hi,

I really could use some advice and prayers as I am really struggling keeping my faith and my sane during these challenging time.
I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 4 years, and I'm in my mid 30's now.

We both met at church and both come from a christian family.
My parents are so against our relationship from the beginning mainly because he comes from a different race. In addition to that, he is a few years younger than me and earns less than me and his family is less established than my one. Please note that me and my fiancee both have a steady job, and I have a career on my own as well.

We have prayed over the years, I have introduced him to my family in the hope that they can see how he is, however nothing matters because all they care is the race and the amount of money he makes. Please note I come from an Asian family and my parents believe that girls are supposed to marry men that financially can take care 100% of the woman.

We are 4 months away from our wedding, however my parents are making me feel guilty by saying things like "how can you go on with a wedding knowing that you are disappointing your parents". Another challenging part is where they say, "a blessed and good marriage is one that brings peace to the family".

As a child from a christian family, this really have tested my faith over the past 4 years. I really do not want to disappoint them, however I also cannot force myself to marry someone from a certain race because they want me to. For over 30 years, I have always made sure that I dated their preferred race with no result. We even waiting 4 years to get married in the hope that my parents would change their mind, but it did not.

If any of you have gone through interracial marriages and these kind of issues, please do you have any advise on what to do ?
I even went through depression and self harm because of this matter. I feel so helpless since nothing I do or say can change the way my parents see him. Race and age is really not something you can change...

Any prayers and advise is much appreciated.

blue_ladybug · Jun 24, 2018

First of all, there is only ONE race. The HUMAN race. Black, white, red, yellow.. We're all humans.

You're a 30-something fully grown woman. Who cares what mommy and daddy think? It's YOUR life, YOUR happiness, YOUR marriage. THEY have no say at all in your relationship with this guy. They sound like controlling, meddling parents.

A blessed and good marriage is one that GOD approves of.

Not mommy or daddy.

So he's a few years younger. Big deal. At least he has an income, and a job and CAN provide for you.

There's no such thing as the perfect guy. So Mommy and Daddy are living a pipe dream. Just because a guy is rich and has a good job, doesn't mean he will be good husband material. Sounds like your parents want you to marry a millionaire. :/

Miri · Jun 24, 2018

If you are certain about marrying this man and believe it’s a Godly union, assuming you
have both prayed about it, then you should go ahead.

Money, health, wealth, even parents come and go. A good Godly marriage should
last a lifetime.

Yes you could marry for money and marry someone rich, then tomorrow he
could get run over by a bus.

Yes you could call the marriage off and marry someone else preferred by your
parents but then spend the rest of your life in misery.

Your parents aren’t getting married, you are.

The bible says to honour your parents, it also says parents should not
frustrate their children.

You are not dishonering them by disagreeing with them on this one, as
Blue has said, you are an adult.

But be warned, maybe your parents will come around eventually maybe they
won’t. If they don’t you also have to decide in advance how to handle that so
that it doesn’t cause problems in your marriage. Otherwise you will always be
doubting and wondering what to do. Be grown up enough to make your mind up
and put it into action either way.

Oh and don’t leave your husband out of the dilemma. You should be a
partnership acting and supporting each other in this.

OstrichSmiling · Jun 24, 2018

Bella_audrey said:

I had a horrible mother-in-law. She had run roughshod over her 8 kids all their lives. Her husband was a wimp.

When your parent asks you that question, how can you go on with a wedding knowing that you are disappointing your parents, that sounds like a forewarning that if you marry it will only get worse in their showing disapproval. And what happens when you have kids? They'll be drawn into this chaos.

You might want to ask your parents what they'd have you to do? Not marry so as to not be harassed by them and their disapproval for the rest of your life?
Your parents haven't changed their mind about your man in four years. Once you're married their hope to influence you out of that will obviously be over with. Then they'll likely escalate because they want divorce.
I feel for you.

My MIL thought she'd run roughshod over me as she did her kids. When I first met my husband his mom found out how that happened and started calling me all sorts of names. We'd met on a beach. That was a right fine example of a Catholic. But she figured as long as she was forgiven by a priest she could do anything.
She was a horrible horrible woman. When she died her kids posted her picture in the obit section of the local paper. The worst picture they could muster. One that had her in her last days suffering in the hospital. They put her public image into disaray for all time. And she would have nothing to say about it. She worked to look like the paragon of good Catholic and parent in public. She was a very young mean spite filled woman in private.

You have to choose. Do you want to be happy for your parents sake? Or yours?
Also, if your parents don't like this guy for other than his race you may ask them what they see beyond that that isn't good for you.

I should have listened to my dad when he told me not to trust my boyfriend-fiancee. We've been married now for many years. A bad marriage is worse than being single.

Think carefully dear. The rest of your life is a long long time.
Praying for you.

Deade · Jun 24, 2018

Well Bela_audrey, you never will get your parents on board with this marriage. Your fiancee has waited four years, count your blessings, he must really care for you. At 30 I would say go ahead and plan the wedding. It's your life, live it.

DDDo · Jun 24, 2018

You've honored your father and mother by caring about what they think. And, you seem to have been realistic about race. The time to have passed on this relationship was before it started. But, now you're here, with four years of bonding. You know he's a good man. Sounds like you should be making wedding plans.

Christians traditionally believed in marriage where a man supports the woman. But, our society's war on marriage has made that all but impossible. Married people face huge penalties and high taxes strain a family with a single income.

jaybird88 · Jun 24, 2018

didnt Moses have a black wife.

DDDo · Jun 24, 2018

jaybird88 said:

Doubtful. Mose's wife is referred to once as a Cushite, which suggests she might have been black. But, her family tree is shows her to be an Israelite and descendant of Abraham. Most likely, Moses was married to a woman who came from a family that was estranged from Israel. There also weren't many blacks in that part of the world.

Ugly · Jun 25, 2018

When your parents die are you going to be happy with living their life, even after they're gone? Trapped in their demands the rest of your life? No. It's your life, not theirs.
Giving in to their demands is giving in to racism, a very unChristian attitude. The bible itself speaks against it, particularly in reference to believers. Your parents are trying to force a secular attitude in the name of culture in defiance of the bible.

The Real question you have to face is not marriage or no marriage but are you willing to recognize that you are making a choice to prioritize him over them, not just in getting married, but in Being married. 2, 5, 10, 15 years down the road?
Depending on how things go you may have to one day choose between him or them. Meaning leave one behind to move forward with another. Because neither you nor your fiance should have to endure years of criticism and attacks.
Eventually your parents Will poison your mind against him. Are you going to be able to make the biblical choice to separate from them for good if they don't stop?
That is the real question, because if you aren't then you're being unfair to him and going against biblical standards.

Bella_audrey · Jun 25, 2018

Thank's everyone for your opinions and encouragement

I do know that I will not be able to live with myself if I have to break up just because my parents.
I have done that once, and I cannot do it again.

And to make it worse, my father is someone that is very involved at church and people look up to him.
Due to this matter, i cannot share this issue with anyone at church because I don't want to ruin "his good name"

I know this all might sound silly for some people, but despite my choice to go ahead with the wedding, I don't want to make a bad name for my parents / family either....

I also agree, all this negativity from my parents, doesn't do good for my fiancee either. He has been really understanding in all of this, however I am afraid that at some point it might become too much for him...

Miri · Jun 25, 2018

Bella_audrey said:

Then you hav a couple of choices.

1) continue to esteem your parents above your fiancée, live in misery and not marry

2) Marry him but still continue to put your parents first and live in misery.

3) Marry and distance yourself from your parents for a while, to see if things
settle down. But be prepared to make that “a while” into a long time if
they will not change their minds.

I respect you for wanting to respect your parents, but to be honest if
a person in my church who was in a high position, an elder, leader etc.
Was a bit of a wolf in sheeps clothing and was really a racist who put money
and position above God, then I would want to know as I wouldn’t want to be
Led or influenced by that person. I’m not saying tell the
church everything at all. But things have a way of coming out and if you marry this
person, it will come out eventually. So you might also want to think about changing
churches as such views don’t change over night.

Ugly · Jun 25, 2018

Bella_audrey said:

I get not wanting to make your parents look bad, but neither should you burden yourself with trying to protect them. It is Their racism and sin that put you in this position.
But perhaps that is the problem in the church today, protecting reputations by hiding sin, so that sin gets a free pass while those not living according to biblical standards run the churches.

Demi777 · Jun 25, 2018

God created ALL people. They are the ones against God, not you. Plus you are a grown woman. Don't let people hold you back

tourist · Jun 25, 2018

Bella_audrey said:

Hi,

I really could use some advice and prayers as I am really struggling keeping my faith and my sane during these challenging time.
I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 4 years, and I'm in my mid 30's now.

We both met at church and both come from a christian family.
My parents are so against our relationship from the beginning mainly because he comes from a different race. In addition to that, he is a few years younger than me and earns less than me and his family is less established than my one. Please note that me and my fiancee both have a steady job, and I have a career on my own as well.

We have prayed over the years, I have introduced him to my family in the hope that they can see how he is, however nothing matters because all they care is the race and the amount of money he makes. Please note I come from an Asian family and my parents believe that girls are supposed to marry men that financially can take care 100% of the woman.

We are 4 months away from our wedding, however my parents are making me feel guilty by saying things like "how can you go on with a wedding knowing that you are disappointing your parents". Another challenging part is where they say, "a blessed and good marriage is one that brings peace to the family".

As a child from a christian family, this really have tested my faith over the past 4 years. I really do not want to disappoint them, however I also cannot force myself to marry someone from a certain race because they want me to. For over 30 years, I have always made sure that I dated their preferred race with no result. We even waiting 4 years to get married in the hope that my parents would change their mind, but it did not.

If any of you have gone through interracial marriages and these kind of issues, please do you have any advise on what to do ?
I even went through depression and self harm because of this matter. I feel so helpless since nothing I do or say can change the way my parents see him. Race and age is really not something you can change...

Any prayers and advise is much appreciated.

My counsel is that you are a grown woman and have the right to chose who is to become your husband. I would certainly not let your parents decide this issue for you as it appears that what they really want is what is best for own perceptions about what others would think of them if you went through with the marriage. It is good that you have both prayed over this for a considerable length of time and now it its time to trust in God this will work out for His glory and your married life together with God at the center. It is a love triangle and your parents are not part of this equation.

whatev · Jun 25, 2018

Bella_audrey said:

You've cut yourself over this. That tells me to worry more about it being "too much" for you, not him. You can't tell anyone you know, other than your fiancee. That is isolation and shutting down. And you're not married yet. This doesn't end at the altar. It is clear your parents will never approve. Can you live, and thrive in that? Can you be content in your marriage with that hanging over you?

I did insist my father approve of our marriage before I married my husband. I did have a Plan B if my father didn't approve, I'd keep bringing my boyfriend to Dad's house until Dad saw what I saw in him and did approve. But God set it up that my father approved the first time, so I didn't have to go with Plan B. I have no idea what I would have done if Dad never approved of him. But I do understand "honor your father and mother" enough to know that would have been a big wedge in the cogs, had he not.

I can guess at 20 things I would have tried, if I were in your position. None of those help you, because I'm not you. It sounds like you've been to war over this without ever raising a weapon against your parents. That truly impresses me. But, can you live your life like this forever?

And, is there any particular reason you have to stay in your parent's church? Church is about growing in the Lord and encouraging one another, but it doesn't sound like that church does the encouraging at all. (Not if you cannot talk to anyone.) It is not dishonor to leave the church of your parents. And, if they try to tell you it is, then ask them if they would think it was dishonor if you had married a rich, successful Asian man who had to move to another part of the country. They'd probably be upset to lose you, but the word "dishonor" wouldn't be used.

When we are young, we do submit to our fathers. But at engagement/betrothal, we submit to our future husband. Honoring our parents is still key, but I think there is something in there that tells us who is our mantle now.

I don't know what you should do, but I do worry that this has taken so much out of you already, and it's not over when you marry. This is just the beginning. You have God. You have future-husband. This is something that must be a choice in consensus. Something God, your fiancee and you all agree to in one answer. Do you have the ability to go against your parents wishes and it is still a good marriage forever? Because marriage is forever.

trofimus · Jun 25, 2018

blue_ladybug said:

Values and traditions in asian culture are different than in european/american one. Their families ties are strong through several generations and the oldest ones are the most authoritative.

BTW, I know one perfect guy

notuptome · Jun 25, 2018

I think you know what you are going to do in this matter. I think you are simply endeavoring to gather a consensus opinion to support your decision. This is not the place to get a consensus on anything.

If you are certain in your heart before God that what you are doing is right then what others think is not important. If you are not certain then wait until you have assurance from God. Time spent waiting on the Lord is not time wasted but time well spent.

Marriage is not an easy road to tread but with the Lord you can endure all that you will surely encounter.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

jaybird88 · Jun 25, 2018

DDDo said:

so you think the kingdom of Cush that became Ethiopia was started by white people?

DDDo · Jun 25, 2018

jaybird88 said:

The Bible tells us that Moses' wife was a descendant of Abraham, and therefor was semitic (e.g Arab). So, you think a Cushite has to be black? A more reasonable explanation is that the wife of Moses came from a family that had left Israel. I guess I could have not posted any of this but just asked you to reread what you had quoted my saying, because all I'm doing here is repeating myself.

Do you think the people of Greenland are green? Do you think Aaron, a saint, was being racist for objecting to Moses' wife as a Cushite? I better answer that for you: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jaybird88 · Jun 25, 2018

DDDo said:

the fact that she was descended from Abraham is neither hear nor there, i know many black people today that are very black with very white ancestors, but it doesnt change the fact they are black.
the scripture does not say why he didnt like Zipporah but saint or not what he said angered the Lord.
the scriptures tell us several times cushite people were black. i dont see why its a big deal and its differently not worth twisting the words to make her into a white women.
many black Ethiopians today are Jewish people and the white Jews dont have a problem with it, they dont proclaim they dont count as Jews because they are black.

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