Is a healthy relationship possible?

[Hamarr]

I made the mistake of reading through the Family Forum here, and then attending an Al Anon meeting right after a holiday. Between the two, relationships with other people seem pretty bleak. I am probably filtering too much with my own childhood experiences and am looking for something that reinforces my negative views. I do wonder if it is possible, even amongst Christians to have a healthy relationship. One where people have realistic expectations and can accept what they have and aren't always looking for a way out, or aren't damaging the other person.

There is a part of me that has always wanted to be married, and a bit part of me that is terrified of even trying with someone. It's not hard to find plenty of examples of broken and failing relationships, and the fallout from that. I'm not sure if I need to find examples to the contrary, or just be content with my current situation because it could always be worse. When I hear my friends talk about their exes and what they went through in divorce, I am thankful I haven't had to go through that, or that I'm not dealing with alcoholic/addict where there are also kids in the mix.

 

[tourist]

I am a Christian and in a very healthy married relationship with my wife who is also a Christian and that I met on this site. Reading your post I would say that you have a fear of the unknown that is preventing you from actively seeking this healthy relationship that seems elusive.

 

[1christian1]

I am a Christian and in a very healthy married relationship with my wife who is also a Christian and that I met on this site. Reading your post I would say that you have a fear of the unknown that is preventing you from actively seeking this healthy relationship that seems elusive.

Good for you tourist!!!..

 

[Lillywolf]

I made the mistake of reading through the Family Forum here, and then attending an Al Anon meeting right after a holiday. Between the two, relationships with other people seem pretty bleak. I am probably filtering too much with my own childhood experiences and am looking for something that reinforces my negative views. I do wonder if it is possible, even amongst Christians to have a healthy relationship. One where people have realistic expectations and can accept what they have and aren't always looking for a way out, or aren't damaging the other person.

There is a part of me that has always wanted to be married, and a bit part of me that is terrified of even trying with someone. It's not hard to find plenty of examples of broken and failing relationships, and the fallout from that. I'm not sure if I need to find examples to the contrary, or just be content with my current situation because it could always be worse. When I hear my friends talk about their exes and what they went through in divorce, I am thankful I haven't had to go through that, or that I'm not dealing with alcoholic/addict where there are also kids in the mix.

To answer your question, yes, a healthy relationship is possible. All relationships take work. Whether it is friendship, work, or marriage.
First however, you have to love you. Warts and all. Know yourself and love yourself. Change what you don't like, which takes time. And honor the rest by never ever putting yourself down. Not even with self-criticism. "I'm such an idiot!" Like that.
There is an old saying once attributed wrongly to the Buddha.
"The mind is everything. You become what you believe."
Love you. Affirm that relationship first and you'll never doubt you are lovable to someone else.
I have a friend who has sticky notes on his mirror. The mirror is round and the notes circle the outer perimeter the positive affirmations. He's in a high stress field of work and this helps. Every morning as he gets ready for work he looks in the mirror and repeats the affirmations that catch his eye. "I am lovable" "I am a success" "I am an asset to my work", things like that. It's personal for him as they should be for anyone who uses this method.

You are not your past mistakes. You're the wisdom now that survived that journey through them.
Live Happy! There is enough negativity in the world. Your view of you world is your choice.

If you date someone and they display a characteristic you cannot tolerate end it. Don't ever make the mistake of saying, I can fix them.
You can't. They were who they are before you met. When they live with themselves as themselves, you're not going to fix what ails them.
There's a saying, the only quote I know of the poet Maya Angelou. "When someone shows you who they are the first time believe them."
Trust years of experience that tells you to trust that advice. And that bit about don't try to fix someone.
I did that when I was dating. Oh, deep inside he's a good man.
They never were.

Don't waste your time on someone who is not worth it. That fix them thing especially. Because while you're wasting time with that which is unworthy of you the one that will cherish you all the days of your life could walk right on by.

A healthy relationship with others begins with a healthy relationship with yourself.


All the best.

 

[calibob]

I really dislike form prayers. If you don't understand them and just repeat them I think they are powerless. You can record them and a recording devise that has no soul. But if you understand them and really mean them. Maybe even learn from them they can work, if your heart and head are in the right places I believe miracles can and do still happen. The prayer I have in mind goes like this. God, (father, Son and Holy Spirit) please grant me, myself and I. The serenity to accept things that I cannot change, like people, places and things. Grant me the courage to change the things that we can and the intelligence to discern the difference. In Jesus name.

 

[Magenta]

I really dislike form prayers. If you don't understand them and just repeat them I think they are powerless. You can record them and a recording devise that has no soul. But if you understand them and really mean them. Maybe even learn from them they can work, if your heart and head are in the right places I believe miracles can and do still happen. The prayer I have in mind goes like this. God, (father, Son and Holy Spirit) please grant me, myself and I. The serenity to accept things that I cannot change, like people, places and things. Grant me the courage to change the things that we can and the intelligence to discern the difference. In Jesus name.

Amen

 

[Dooms]

God in fact does still play matchmaker among us sinners. That being said, it's OK to wait.

 

[Magenta]

 

[1christian1]

To answer your question, yes, a healthy relationship is possible. All relationships take work. Whether it is friendship, work, or marriage.
First however, you have to love you. Warts and all. Know yourself and love yourself. Change what you don't like, which takes time. And honor the rest by never ever putting yourself down. Not even with self-criticism. "I'm such an idiot!" Like that.
There is an old saying once attributed wrongly to the Buddha.
"The mind is everything. You become what you believe."
Love you. Affirm that relationship first and you'll never doubt you are lovable to someone else.
I have a friend who has sticky notes on his mirror. The mirror is round and the notes circle the outer perimeter the positive affirmations. He's in a high stress field of work and this helps. Every morning as he gets ready for work he looks in the mirror and repeats the affirmations that catch his eye. "I am lovable" "I am a success" "I am an asset to my work", things like that. It's personal for him as they should be for anyone who uses this method.

You are not your past mistakes. You're the wisdom now that survived that journey through them.
Live Happy! There is enough negativity in the world. Your view of you world is your choice.

If you date someone and they display a characteristic you cannot tolerate end it. Don't ever make the mistake of saying, I can fix them.
You can't. They were who they are before you met. When they live with themselves as themselves, you're not going to fix what ails them.
There's a saying, the only quote I know of the poet Maya Angelou. "When someone shows you who they are the first time believe them."
Trust years of experience that tells you to trust that advice. And that bit about don't try to fix someone.
I did that when I was dating. Oh, deep inside he's a good man.
They never were.

Don't waste your time on someone who is not worth it. That fix them thing especially. Because while you're wasting time with that which is unworthy of you the one that will cherish you all the days of your life could walk right on by.

A healthy relationship with others begins with a healthy relationship with yourself.


All the best.

Very insightful Lilly... kudos to you...

 

[Solemateleft]

I made the mistake of reading through the Family Forum here, and then attending an Al Anon meeting right after a holiday. Between the two, relationships with other people seem pretty bleak. I am probably filtering too much with my own childhood experiences and am looking for something that reinforces my negative views. I do wonder if it is possible, even amongst Christians to have a healthy relationship. One where people have realistic expectations and can accept what they have and aren't always looking for a way out, or aren't damaging the other person.

There is a part of me that has always wanted to be married, and a bit part of me that is terrified of even trying with someone. It's not hard to find plenty of examples of broken and failing relationships, and the fallout from that. I'm not sure if I need to find examples to the contrary, or just be content with my current situation because it could always be worse. When I hear my friends talk about their exes and what they went through in divorce, I am thankful I haven't had to go through that, or that I'm not dealing with alcoholic/addict where there are also kids in the mix.

Brother, I can empathize with your state of mind, and I suspect that you are drowning in negative thoughts...
I suggest that you consider 'giving it to the lord' - strive to flip the switch (overtly seeking positive inspiration) by focusing upon your relationship and prayers with our lord. You need to strive to find strength thru your faith and trust in him - that he hears your prayers and that in his time he will answer your prayers in his own way...
Focus upon finding your own peace and striving to keep yourself active doing the things that you enjoy - while enhancing your faith and your spiritual strength and trust in Him...
Seek positive inspiration and in the back of your mind begin to manage your own expectations recognizing that:
It’s not about having the perfect relationship, it’s about finding someone who matches you and will go thru everything with you without giving up…
God Bless

 

[Mel85]

I made the mistake of reading through the Family Forum here, and then attending an Al Anon meeting right after a holiday. Between the two, relationships with other people seem pretty bleak. I am probably filtering too much with my own childhood experiences and am looking for something that reinforces my negative views. I do wonder if it is possible, even amongst Christians to have a healthy relationship. One where people have realistic expectations and can accept what they have and aren't always looking for a way out, or aren't damaging the other person.

There is a part of me that has always wanted to be married, and a bit part of me that is terrified of even trying with someone. It's not hard to find plenty of examples of broken and failing relationships, and the fallout from that. I'm not sure if I need to find examples to the contrary, or just be content with my current situation because it could always be worse. When I hear my friends talk about their exes and what they went through in divorce, I am thankful I haven't had to go through that, or that I'm not dealing with alcoholic/addict where there are also kids in the mix.

I believe that we gotta experience some “bad times” in a relationship in order to experience the good. What I mean is that, there will never be a perfect relationship between a couple, but even so, a healthy relationship can also mean going through hard times to realise what is needed to help improve the relationship. Although this may never happen for couples who are genuinely struggling, imo it’s OK to go through such things.

I’ve come to realise that as much as I want to get married and have a family, I have to know that:

1. It may not happen OR,
2. It will happen, but in Gods perfect time and not mine

Rather than me jumping into a relationship that I’m not ready for, that in itself may be a “unhealthy” relationship because of my own ignorance. Lol.

Keep seeking and trusting God in this, as only He can lead you in the right direction. Proverbs 3:5-6

 

[Kaps89]

I believe that we gotta experience some “bad times” in a relationship in order to experience the good. What I mean is that, there will never be a perfect relationship between a couple, but even so, a healthy relationship can also mean going through hard times to realise what is needed to help improve the relationship. Although this may never happen for couples who are genuinely struggling, imo it’s OK to go through such things.

I’ve come to realise that as much as I want to get married and have a family, I have to know that:

1. It may not happen OR,
2. It will happen, but in Gods perfect time and not mine

Rather than me jumping into a relationship that I’m not ready for, that in itself may be a “unhealthy” relationship because of my own ignorance. Lol.

Keep seeking and trusting God in this, as only He can lead you in the right direction. Proverbs 3:5-6

I basically agree with what Mel said. I spent a lot of my early twenties in what (looking back in hindsight) were unhealthy relationships. When I found my faith the way I looked at relationships changed. They're certainly not easy but I'm a great believer in the 'one' that God wants me to marry being out there. And like Mel I've learnt that if he's taking his time or it isn't gonna happen then that's something I have to accept.

T

 

[Demi777]

Of course its possible. No one is perfect but u can work things out if u really are committed to it.

 

[Sweetmorningdew78]

It is possible to have a healthy relationship but impossible to find a perfect relationship... No matter how loving your relationship is, it has ups and downs...You have to go through the ups and downs for your relationship to grow despite everything You and her will work it out and will commit to hold each other's hands forever.


Now... about your fear to enter into a relationship... If you never try you'll never know... But of course don't enter into a relationship because you just wanted to try but enter a relationship because you are seeking a potential marriage partner/wife in the future
Your fear is stopping you from finding that relationship you want in your heart. Take a small risk a small step open your heart

Fall in love


Falling in love is beautiful



God bless you ❤

 

[Hamarr]

Thanks everyone for you replies. I've been thinking on this quite a bit since this evening. There are a lot of cliches that get repeated that I haven't fully embraced yet, like "Let go and let God". Thinking about some more, I think I am still trying to control the situation, and I do that a lot through avoidance, isolation and indulging in negative thoughts. I do think there's a survival mechanism in there, but it's not so helpful.

Same with the Serenity Prayer. I have said that a few hundred times now, but I don't think ever as an actual prayer. It's been mostly something to mindlessly repeat during a meeting. But I will try to embrace it as a genuine prayer.

I definitely have a lot of fear around this, and the belief that I'm not good enough. That's being wittled down over time, but I still have a lot of work to do there. I'm kind of looking forward to working on this in my next EMDR session.

 

[Hamarr]

Oh, I forgot to mention, there is grief work to be done there, too.

 

[Kaps89]

Thanks everyone for you replies. I've been thinking on this quite a bit since this evening. There are a lot of cliches that get repeated that I haven't fully embraced yet, like "Let go and let God". Thinking about some more, I think I am still trying to control the situation, and I do that a lot through avoidance, isolation and indulging in negative thoughts. I do think there's a survival mechanism in there, but it's not so helpful.

Same with the Serenity Prayer. I have said that a few hundred times now, but I don't think ever as an actual prayer. It's been mostly something to mindlessly repeat during a meeting. But I will try to embrace it as a genuine prayer.

I definitely have a lot of fear around this, and the belief that I'm not good enough. That's being wittled down over time, but I still have a lot of work to do there. I'm kind of looking forward to working on this in my next EMDR session.

I spent years saying the Serenity Prayer at the end of meetings and never really thought of it as a prayer but I've got a tattoo with 'let go and let God' on my hand. Clichéd? Yes. Good advice? Most definitely. It's difficult to start trusting the process when you've been doing something different but you need to let go. If it hasn't been working for you upto now is it likely to change anytime soon?

I wish you the best in everything brother. God bless.

T