Don't Settle

[David-J]

A lot of people become tempted to settle for partners who either aren't believers or aren't as focused on a relationship with God as they are one with you. You need someone who first seeks God, not seeks you and then God as an after thought. A relationship pleasing to God is unlike any other wordly relationship in that the focus is not on each other, but the Lord.

Relationships that do not focus on God will only end in heartache, which is why in the Gospel is says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?". For a non-believer, your faith will be questioned and possibly even make you turn from church, fellowship and possibly even your faith. Those to someone who doesn't match your intensity for a relationship will God could become a ball and chain that holds you back from pursuing a closer relationship with the Lord. Let iron sharpen iron, not rock blunt iron.

Don't be afraid to wait, some people don't get married until they're 40! 50! Or even older! God has a plan for you, and he has a partner for you, for he saw man should not be alone. So, therefore, don't settle for someone you know won't honour God.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

The notion that 'God has someone for you' is so misleading and simply not true. It seems to bring a lot of heartache and a misinterpretation of the story of creation, to me, does not qualify as biblical evidence. Marriage is not promised for everyone, or even most. If a promise of marriage were biblical then Paul's words would be in contradiction when he discouraged the Choice of marriage. There are also people who desire marriage and never get married. That shouldn't happen if marriage were a biblical promise.

If i may offer friendly advice on Singles topics, take some time to learn the group and look for areas that people struggle with, rather than spouting out the standard new user topics that the regulars here already know well, and have seen countless times. This seems to be the default topic from new users that want to teach. It's a bit of a dead horse theme. If you want to truly be helpful find things relevant to the group and bring those up instead. Also presenting things as a discussion, rather than a sermon, may be a more useful tone. If you look at Seoul's new threads she presents her views, but also opens up the topic for discussion, and her threads are among the most popular in Singles. Also they tend to be original topics, as well as her adding in personal bits, not just talking at people in a 'this is right, do it' tone.
Changing how you interact with people online is a subject i struggle with as well (just look at the first half of this post) and why i know so much about it haha. So i'm not being critical, just offering some alternative ways of broaching subjects (and finding them) than the stereotypical new user way we see often.

 

[cinder]

A lot of people become tempted to settle for partners who either aren't believers or aren't as focused on a relationship with God as they are one with you. You need someone who first seeks God, not seeks you and then God as an after thought. A relationship pleasing to God is unlike any other wordly relationship in that the focus is not on each other, but the Lord.

Relationships that do not focus on God will only end in heartache, which is why in the Gospel is says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?". For a non-believer, your faith will be questioned and possibly even make you turn from church, fellowship and possibly even your faith. Those to someone who doesn't match your intensity for a relationship will God could become a ball and chain that holds you back from pursuing a closer relationship with the Lord. Let iron sharpen iron, not rock blunt iron.

Don't be afraid to wait, some people don't get married until they're 40! 50! Or even older! God has a plan for you, and he has a partner for you, for he saw man should not be alone. So, therefore, don't settle for someone you know won't honour God.

So tell us, how long have you been waiting for marriage and what are the godly ways you deal with the various temptations singles are more susceptible to? Because if you haven't walked the same walk, you don't have much credibility to talk about how to do it.

 

[David-J]

This is directed at the issue of people whom feel a desire to settle for someone who wouldn't benefit their walk with God, if not hinder it. As such, said people clearly desire a relationship, unlike celibate who are an entirely different case to which this post isn't supposed to touch on. From those who I've met, they do not desire a relationship and seek only to focus on their own with God. As such, clearly the idea of settling for those who wouldn't benefit their walk with God does not apply to them and thus they are not mentioned in the post.

I can see, however, why the post comes across in the way you feel it does and I acknowledged that and would like to clarify, this is for people who desire a relationship and are increasingly tempted to settle for those they know wouldn't benefit their walk with God like myself.

As for your comment on Paul "discouraging the choice of marriage", I wouldn't agree that's what he was doing. If we're talking about 1 Corinthians 7, he both says that it is good they remain unmarried or widowed, but in the same verse states that it is better to marry than to burn with passion should these people be unlike him and unable to control their desire.

I apologise is the subject of settling for someone you know wouldn't benefit God is done to death, but like all things some people, like new members you keep naming and almost shaming, haven't seen them and could probably use a reminder. I know I have learned and heard things countless times and being reminded of them always helps.

 

[David-J]

I've always struggled with socialising, I never had a close relationship with my family and growing up I had never had a close relationship with friends or mentors. As such, I feel into a cycle of porn and depravity that sucked me up entirely. When I found Christ, I still struggled which such things. It was a constant battle and still is, but the Lord aids me in that regard. What helps me from sinking into the trap of again settling for someone I know isn't right for honouring God which I have in the past which very negative results for myself and my relationship with God, I simply remind myself that my goal is to seek God first and last, and everything else be on the sidelines. There is no easy fix all end all solution that we can do ourselves, we can only pray and trust in the Lord's strength, never our own.

 

[seoulsearch]

A lot of people become tempted to settle for partners who either aren't believers or aren't as focused on a relationship with God as they are one with you. You need someone who first seeks God, not seeks you and then God as an after thought. A relationship pleasing to God is unlike any other wordly relationship in that the focus is not on each other, but the Lord.

Relationships that do not focus on God will only end in heartache, which is why in the Gospel is says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?". For a non-believer, your faith will be questioned and possibly even make you turn from church, fellowship and possibly even your faith. Those to someone who doesn't match your intensity for a relationship will God could become a ball and chain that holds you back from pursuing a closer relationship with the Lord. Let iron sharpen iron, not rock blunt iron.

Don't be afraid to wait, some people don't get married until they're 40! 50! Or even older! God has a plan for you, and he has a partner for you, for he saw man should not be alone. So, therefore, don't settle for someone you know won't honour God.

Hi David,

Thank you for posting this. I think many of us have found ourselves in situation where we feel like we need to "grab on to someone" or we're going to miss out.

I used to be terrified of not finding someone until "later in life", or not at all, but as time marches on, I see that this might be what God has planned for my life... And I am slowly learning to accept that "His thoughts are higher" than my thoughts.

I hope you'll keep posting and meeting people here in the community.

God bless and welcome to the Singles Forum.

 

[Pipp]

Welcome to the singles Forum. As always people have their own opinions , sometimes it'll match yours and some times it won't. Don't let it discourage you from sharing or making new friends.

 

[CharliRenee]

The notion that 'God has someone for you' is so misleading and simply not true. It seems to bring a lot of heartache and a misinterpretation of the story of creation, to me, does not qualify as biblical evidence. Marriage is not promised for everyone, or even most. If a promise of marriage were biblical then Paul's words would be in contradiction when he discouraged the Choice of marriage. There are also people who desire marriage and never get married. That shouldn't happen if marriage were a biblical promise.

If i may offer friendly advice on Singles topics, take some time to learn the group and look for areas that people struggle with, rather than spouting out the standard new user topics that the regulars here already know well, and have seen countless times. This seems to be the default topic from new users that want to teach. It's a bit of a dead horse theme. If you want to truly be helpful find things relevant to the group and bring those up instead. Also presenting things as a discussion, rather than a sermon, may be a more useful tone. If you look at Seoul's new threads she presents her views, but also opens up the topic for discussion, and her threads are among the most popular in Singles. Also they tend to be original topics, as well as her adding in personal bits, not just talking at people in a 'this is right, do it' tone.
Changing how you interact with people online is a subject i struggle with as well (just look at the first half of this post) and why i know so much about it haha. So i'm not being critical, just offering some alternative ways of broaching subjects (and finding them) than the stereotypical new user way we see often.

This is good advice for me because I often present more preachy. Hmmmm, I will think about this.

I will say that there are probably few topics left to talk about, so it is challenging to keep it fresh. I believe it does seem ok to talk some same things out with new friends and old. You might get some fresh perspectives

With that said, my take away from your feedback to David was helpful to me, so thanks. We can always count on you to be direct, haha.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

This is good advice for me because I often present more preachy. Hmmmm, I will think about this.

I will say that there are probably few topics left to talk about, so it is challenging to keep it fresh. I believe it does seem ok to talk some same things out with new friends and old. You might get some fresh perspectives

With that said, my take away from your feedback to David was helpful to me, so thanks. We can always count on you to be direct, haha.

I agree it's fine to see topics brought back up, but this particular topic is the one so many want to come on here and preach about, but most users here already have a decent handle on it. Of all the singles topics this is the one most overplayed. There are plenty of other good topics that could be discussed rather than the same one over and over. That's all I was getting at. (=

 

[seoulsearch]

I agree it's fine to see topics brought back up, but this particular topic is the one so many want to come on here and preach about, but most users here already have a decent handle on it. Of all the singles topics this is the one most overplayed. There are plenty of other good topics that could be discussed rather than the same one over and over. That's all I was getting at. (=

Unfortunately, it creates a never-ending loop.

1. People complain about the same topics being discussed over and over, which is understandable, but...

2. People who always say that there should be threads about new subjects never actually start them, which really doesn't help.

3. People who do start threads get almost immediate negative feedback.

4. People who might want to start a thread sees such negative feedback, and decide not to post anything.

Leading us all back to step number 1 and a dead forum.

And all that's left are new members who try to join in, aren't familiar with the crowd or what's been talked about for ages here, then try to contribute but are shot down for talking about a repetitive subject.

I often get people telling me, "Hey, why don't you write a thread about subject x, y, or z...", and they're very good topics. But what I found in the past is that people basically wanted me to do all the work of writing the thread as well as taking all of the heat.

I've gotten used to flaming arrows, but I usually stick to my own topic ideas because it would be nice to see things more spread out, because the next complaint then becomes that the same 3 people are posting all the thread and have taken over the Singles Forum and turned it into a clique.

I don't know how else to change it except to try to gently get more people used to posting threads, with the hope that they will eventually branch out with their own way of thinking as well, hopefully resulting in a wider variety of posters and topics. But we have to start somewhere.

(I also freely admit to posting my own negative/sarcastic replies to "Wanna-Be Player"-type threads as well, and this is wrong on my part. When we do see those threads, I'm going to work on giving a gentler answer that is informative without being critical.)

 

[Krumbeard]

Unfortunately, it creates a never-ending loop.

1. People complain about the same topics being discussed over and over, which is understandable, but...

2. People who always say that there should be threads about new subjects never actually start them, which really doesn't help.

3. People who do start threads get almost immediate negative feedback.

4. People who might want to start a thread sees such negative feedback, and decide not to post anything.

Leading us all back to step number 1 and a dead forum.

And all that's left are new members who try to join in, aren't familiar with the crowd or what's been talked about for ages here, then try to contribute but are shot down for talking about a repetitive subject.

I often get people telling me, "Hey, why don't you write a thread about subject x, y, or z...", and they're very good topics. But what I found in the past is that people basically wanted me to do all the work of writing the thread as well as taking all of the heat.

I've gotten used to flaming arrows, but I usually stick to my own topic ideas because it would be nice to see things more spread out, because the next complaint then becomes that the same 3 people are posting all the thread and have taken over the Singles Forum and turned it into a clique.

I don't know how else to change it except to try to gently get more people used to posting threads, with the hope that they will eventually branch out with their own way of thinking as well, hopefully resulting in a wider variety of posters and topics. But we have to start somewhere.

(I also freely admit to posting my own negative/sarcastic replies to "Wanna-Be Player"-type threads as well, and this is wrong on my part. When we do see those threads, I'm going to work on giving a gentler answer that is informative without being critical.)

There's a lot of old threads that can be revisited also. It's kinda interesting looking back at some of the old topics and reading about them.

It can be quite amusing too. But guessing that for some of the longtimers on here it might be a little sad seeing that a lot of these people are no longer here.

 

[seoulsearch]

There's a lot of old threads that can be revisited also. It's kinda interesting looking back at some of the old topics and reading about them.

It can be quite amusing too. But guessing that for some of the longtimers on here it might be a little sad seeing that a lot of these people are no longer here.

Unfortunately, this then brings up complaints from people about raising "zombie" threads.

I completely agree that some topics are timeless, and the only way around it is to write a new version of the same thread, which unfortunately, very few people are willing to do.

 

[Lynx]

Hey hey, David-J, welcome to the forum today.

Sorry, that's the best I could do off-the-cuff. I'm wittier when I have time to think up something... I promise.

I agree with everything about your initial post except the part about God having a partner for somebody. But Subhumanoidal objected to that part thoroughly, strenuously, extensively and with much vituperation so I'll consider that part sufficiently objected to. I'll focus on the other 97% of your post.

The problem is so many people are so afraid of being lonely. So they jump at any chance, and they keep jumping when there is no chance. They just keep jumping, hoping to grab that partner that society says will cure their loneliness. And when they do find somebody, ANYBODY, they hold on as tight as they can. And a lot of times they hold on to the wrong person. Anything to not be lonely.

The first thing I usually ask is, "Why are you so afraid of being alone?" But nobody wants to think about that, so I have almost given up asking. These days I just sigh and let them go on blundering through relationships. Maybe they'll figure it out in a few years. I hope.

 

[Krumbeard]

Unfortunately, this then brings up complaints from people about raising "zombie" threads.

I completely agree that some topics are timeless, and the only way around it is to write a new version of the same thread, which unfortunately, very few people are willing to do.

True.
I got a kick out of some of the really old threads. I am a guy/girl looking for a godly wife/husband....

 

[Jen1167]

A lot of people become tempted to settle for partners who either aren't believers or aren't as focused on a relationship with God as they are one with you. You need someone who first seeks God, not seeks you and then God as an after thought. A relationship pleasing to God is unlike any other wordly relationship in that the focus is not on each other, but the Lord.

Relationships that do not focus on God will only end in heartache, which is why in the Gospel is says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?". For a non-believer, your faith will be questioned and possibly even make you turn from church, fellowship and possibly even your faith. Those to someone who doesn't match your intensity for a relationship will God could become a ball and chain that holds you back from pursuing a closer relationship with the Lord. Let iron sharpen iron, not rock blunt iron.

Don't be afraid to wait, some people don't get married until they're 40! 50! Or even older! God has a plan for you, and he has a partner for you, for he saw man should not be alone. So, therefore, don't settle for someone you know won't honour God.

David, I loved this post! My daughter recently started dating an unbeliever and I keep trying to tell her this but she doesn't listen. I pray for her all the time.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Unfortunately, it creates a never-ending loop.

1. People complain about the same topics being discussed over and over, which is understandable, but...

2. People who always say that there should be threads about new subjects never actually start them, which really doesn't help.

3. People who do start threads get almost immediate negative feedback.

4. People who might want to start a thread sees such negative feedback, and decide not to post anything.

Leading us all back to step number 1 and a dead forum.

And all that's left are new members who try to join in, aren't familiar with the crowd or what's been talked about for ages here, then try to contribute but are shot down for talking about a repetitive subject.

I often get people telling me, "Hey, why don't you write a thread about subject x, y, or z...", and they're very good topics. But what I found in the past is that people basically wanted me to do all the work of writing the thread as well as taking all of the heat.

I've gotten used to flaming arrows, but I usually stick to my own topic ideas because it would be nice to see things more spread out, because the next complaint then becomes that the same 3 people are posting all the thread and have taken over the Singles Forum and turned it into a clique.

I don't know how else to change it except to try to gently get more people used to posting threads, with the hope that they will eventually branch out with their own way of thinking as well, hopefully resulting in a wider variety of posters and topics. But we have to start somewhere.

(I also freely admit to posting my own negative/sarcastic replies to "Wanna-Be Player"-type threads as well, and this is wrong on my part. When we do see those threads, I'm going to work on giving a gentler answer that is informative without being critical.)

I, for one, dont often start threads simply for the fact that I only tend to start threads on topics that I feel affected by in a strong enough way. I'm not great at starting things in that way, while others are. I wish I were and I would start more.
Nor would I say I "shot down" the OP. I offered the idea of sticking around and learning what the Actual needs are here and posting on that. So I presented him an option that, if he feels to teach, would make him more effective and do more help.
I would think the repetition of things is just as much a part of the weakening of the Singles. And that won't change if people aren't made aware. People dont learn if others don't speak up and let them know.

 

[seoulsearch]

I, for one, dont often start threads simply for the fact that I only tend to start threads on topics that I feel affected by in a strong enough way. I'm not great at starting things in that way, while others are. I wish I were and I would start more.
Nor would I say I "shot down" the OP. I offered the idea of sticking around and learning what the Actual needs are here and posting on that. So I presented him an option that, if he feels to teach, would make him more effective and do more help.
I would think the repetition of things is just as much a part of the weakening of the Singles. And that won't change if people aren't made aware. People dont learn if others don't speak up and let them know.

It's not about the information that was presented, but the way it was presented.

Maybe adding in a friendly, "Hey there, welcome to the forum, here are a few tips to help you get more responses to your threads," would be helpful.

And yes, I have to admit (and this might be a character flaw of my own) that one of my biggest pet peeves are when people tell someone they're adding to the "problem" of a repetitive subject, but don't write any new, outstanding threads on fascinating subjects themselves, because why complain about something that you're not helping to change?

And I do hear that a lot: "I'm not good at starting threads." All I can say is, There's only one way to get better. Go ahead and try.

I've watched you present information to people in this manner for many years, Sub, and I know you feel you're being helpful, but all I'm saying is, it might go better if you try to add in a few encouraging affirmations.

The thing is, I've seen people present things to you in the exact same manner that you present information to other people, and you always, always take it as someone attacking you, so I'm not quite sure why you don't see that this is how you come across to other people. Your post in this thread sounded extremely critical and belittling, especially to a new poster.

And yes, I realize people are going to see my post as being harsh in return, but the truth is, I've wanted to say this for many, many years.

I know you've been here for much longer than your current profile date, but I always held back, hoping someday it might change, which is also why I always tried to give you "likes" for posts in which you were trying to encourage someone.

And I'm certainly not trying to sound like my own opinion somehow makes a difference. I'm just saying, that when you say these things to people, you seem to expect them to take it as being beneficial, but when others confront you in the same way, you don't see it as helpful at all.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

It's not about the information that was presented, but the way it was presented.

Maybe adding in a friendly, "Hey there, welcome to the forum, here are a few tips to help you get more responses to your threads," would be helpful.

And yes, I have to admit (and this might be a character flaw of my own) that one of my biggest pet peeves are when people tell someone they're adding to the "problem" of a repetitive subject, but don't write any new, outstanding threads on fascinating subjects themselves, because why complain about something that you're not helping to change?

And I do hear that a lot: "I'm not good at starting threads." All I can say is, There's only one way to get better. Go ahead and try.

I've watched you present information to people in this manner for many years, Sub, and I know you feel you're being helpful, but all I'm saying is, it might go better if you try to add in a few encouraging affirmations.

The thing is, I've seen people present things to you in the exact same manner that you present information to other people, and you always, always take it as someone attacking you, so I'm not quite sure why you don't see that this is how you come across to other people. Your post in this thread sounded extremely critical and belittling, especially to a new poster.

And yes, I realize people are going to see my post as being harsh in return, but the truth is, I've wanted to say this for many, many years.

I know you've been here for much longer than your current profile date, but I always held back, hoping someday it might change, which is also why I always tried to give you "likes" for posts in which you were trying to encourage someone.

And I'm certainly not trying to sound like my own opinion somehow makes a difference. I'm just saying, that when you say these things to people, you seem to expect them to take it as being beneficial, but when others confront you in the same way, you don't see it as helpful at all.

But see you aren't saying anything I haven't heard 1000 times. And, as I even admitted in my post to the OP I'm well aware it's something i struggle with. I've admitted it many times in the forums and have even spoken with other users numerous times about advice on it. I've focused on how users who I admired on how they approached people to see what they do differently.
So suggesting I dont see it couldn't be more wrong. I've been working at it for years. But it's something that even when I try, often doesn't come across well.
And as a result of this it's caused many people on here to purposefully treat me poorly and then justify it as something I deserve. But unlike some here I don't advertise everything I am dealing with.
It's a big part of why I quit previously. People felt it was acceptable to be mean, willfully, rather than approach me privately and ask me about it.
And, sadly, often times a big part of it is because it's written and I can't say everything as easily as I could talking. Many things I've said with the best of intentions I got trashed for.
As far as I'm concerned I made a genuine effort to be nice to the OP, and even after explaining it to you you still dont see it. So, see, even when I try people complain. Perhaps it's not worth the effort if I dont even get credit for trying.

It frustrates me greatly that I struggle so much with something so seemingly simple. But no one cares about that. They just want it fixed. So loving.

 

[Lynx]

*sigh

Welcome to the forum anyway David-J. Hope we haven't scared you away. And no, you shouldn't settle. Don't miss the right person because your standards are too impossibly high, but don't settle for somebody, ANYBODY, just to avoid being lonely.

 

[cinder]

It's not about the information that was presented, but the way it was presented.

Maybe adding in a friendly, "Hey there, welcome to the forum, here are a few tips to help you get more responses to your threads," would be helpful.

And yes, I have to admit (and this might be a character flaw of my own) that one of my biggest pet peeves are when people tell someone they're adding to the "problem" of a repetitive subject, but don't write any new, outstanding threads on fascinating subjects themselves, because why complain about something that you're not helping to change?

And I do hear that a lot: "I'm not good at starting threads." All I can say is, There's only one way to get better. Go ahead and try.

I've watched you present information to people in this manner for many years, Sub, and I know you feel you're being helpful, but all I'm saying is, it might go better if you try to add in a few encouraging affirmations.

The thing is, I've seen people present things to you in the exact same manner that you present information to other people, and you always, always take it as someone attacking you, so I'm not quite sure why you don't see that this is how you come across to other people. Your post in this thread sounded extremely critical and belittling, especially to a new poster.

And yes, I realize people are going to see my post as being harsh in return, but the truth is, I've wanted to say this for many, many years.

I know you've been here for much longer than your current profile date, but I always held back, hoping someday it might change, which is also why I always tried to give you "likes" for posts in which you were trying to encourage someone.

And I'm certainly not trying to sound like my own opinion somehow makes a difference. I'm just saying, that when you say these things to people, you seem to expect them to take it as being beneficial, but when others confront you in the same way, you don't see it as helpful at all.

In all fairness, his initial post in this thread is one where, if you're familiar with his posts, it's clear that he's at least making the effort to be nice. I wasn't much better (my saving grace probably being that tone doesn't always come across well in posts), but I'm not getting flak for it. And the crazyish thing is that David was awesome and took it all in stride and behaved like we would want to see new people on the forum behave without getting angry or name calling or even objecting much to the less than friendly tone he was initially greeted with. Almost makes me want to start a thread on borrowed offense and why we start fighting battles that the "victims" aren't interested in fighting. But that's not going to happen today because I've got to go play board games with people.

In the meantime David, welcome to our little corner of the internet. I think you really will fit in well here if you hop into the discussions and start getting to know people. As you can see we don't always agree with each other, but most of the regulars here have learned to disagree more or less respectfully.