Should I Have Told Him I was Interested in Him?

[seoulsearch]

Hey singles,

Just wanted to get bit of advice from you all out there--some time ago, there was a person whose posts I really enjoyed--I agreed with most everything he wrote, and even if I didn't agree, I was impressed that he was respectful of those with differing opinions.

Long story short, I decided to introduce myself via email, and we had some very thought-provoking, not-your-garden-variety conversations via email and phone (unless you all talk to people about things like documented psychological research within the context of the Christian faith in your everyday conversations--I know I don't.)

If I have to make a confession, I was starting to really like him. But... I noticed that I was the one to call him, even though I told him several times that he could feel free to call me if he wanted to talk, and after a few weeks, his replies to my messages became shorter and shorter. Now, I don't think I went overboard or anything!!! Would you say that a message maybe once a week would classify as being a stalker? And a text message maybe once a month to tell him to have a good day? But when he started texting back, "U2", and didn't even bother to say anything, I just stopped any initiation and have not heard from him since. (I don't believe he's on this site anymore--just in case he is, under another name, well... all of my vague descriptions will hopefully shield him from any embarrassment!)

Should I have told him I was interested in him? He lived a about 6 hours away in another state, was about my age, and seemed very solid in his faith. But, I didn't say anything about how I felt because I didn't want any "artificial" reciprocations--we all tend to act differently toward someone who confesses that they like us and I didn't want to make him uneasy, nor did I want to him think anything such as, "Well, she likes me... maybe I could TRY to like her..." UGH!!

I realize the point seems moot, seeing as we lost contact and it seems futile for me to try to talk to him again.

What would you have done in this kind of situation?

This is probably why I've been single for so long (8 years), because I'm always very cautious. I DO get tired of being alone though, and I really did think very highly of this guy. But what if I encounter another situation like this? I think I'd do the same thing and not say anything!! I'm thinking it's best I kept my silence so that I don't make the other person feel uncomfortable. When I was younger, I didn't hold back if I found myself liking someone, and that's how I wound up in long-term, dead-end relationships. I don't want to repeat old mistakes, but I know at some point, you do have to take risks, and I'm tired of the years just passing by.

What do you think? And what have you chosen to do in similar situations? Any thoughts are appreciated.

 

[grace]

Honestly Kim, you have done what I think is appropriate. You opened up a bit, introduced yourself, showed him that you were interested in conversing etc.....and from there it sort of is up to him to pursue it . By your actions already, it shows that you thought the two of you had enough of a connection to continue talking.

Both sides of the coin are tough. Although I do not approve (for lack of a better word) a woman pursueing a guy, I do think you have to give them some hints that you enjoy his company etc. But it is tough to not be to *agressive* with the flirting etc because you do not want to appear desperate or clingy.
BUT, as a guy its totally tough to put yourself out there and acctually ask her if she would like to take things to the next level etc when the answer may be no. :/

Its always so hard to know. Guy/girls friendships are tough period, let alone when you start to see qualities that you find appealing beyond the friendship sort of affection.

I do not want this to sound harsh....but maybe he could tell you liked him, maybe he picked up that vibe from you and that is why he pulled back? Or maybe he was just super shy when it comes to women and was taking things s u p e r slow, to the point where you pulled back...and then he thought you were no longer interested, or that he misread you??

Definitely tough!

I feel for ya.

 

[seoulsearch]

LOL, Zero... and duly noted.

*Note to self: If I should text the potential victim (er, date) something such as, "Hope you're having a good week," and he blandly texts back, "U2", immediately text back and ask him to a monster truck rally.*

It's so crazy it just might work!! Unfortunately, it's not me at all.

 

[seoulsearch]

Its always so hard to know. Guy/girls friendships are tough period, let alone when you start to see qualities that you find appealing beyond the friendship sort of affection.

I do not want this to sound harsh....but maybe he could tell you liked him, maybe he picked up that vibe from you and that is why he pulled back? Or maybe he was just super shy when it comes to women and was taking things s u p e r slow, to the point where you pulled back...and then he thought you were no longer interested, or that he misread you??

Definitely tough!

I feel for ya.

Grace--I really know what you're saying and this is why I wanted to say something... so that he'd know for sure... but... at the same time, it's why I didn't say anything, so that I wouldn't make him uneasy!

(How can you stalk someone if you let them know in advance that you see them as prey???? Just kidding!!)

And honestly, truth be told, I DO get afraid of rejection as well. So... *crickets chirping*... resorting to silence sometimes seems like the best policy...

 

[zeroturbulence]

LOL, Zero... and duly noted.

*Note to self: If I should text the potential victim (er, date) something such as, "Hope you're having a good week," and he blandly texts back, "U2", immediately text back and ask him to a monster truck rally.*

It's so crazy it just might work!! Unfortunately, it's not me at all.

Oh shoot I deleted my post after reading Grace's because I thought it sounded too stupid.

 

[seoulsearch]

Oh shoot I deleted my post after reading Grace's because I thought it sounded too stupid.

That's ok... it just makes me look like I'm talking to myself... nothing out of the ordinary there, I assure you!!

 

[NukePooch]

You can't control how people will react. You can only control what you do. You just have to be yourself, and (though the phrase is overused) let the chips fall where they may.

You can't assume any specific reasons for someone else's reactions. One thing that jumped out at me is the long-distance factor. I wouldn't even think of dating anyone who lived more than an hour away...it would completely remove all spontaneity from the relationship if every single visit needs to be planned... Then again...I just wouldn't even think of dating anyone. At all. Ever.

Maybe the guy just doesn't like talking on the phone...maybe the guy just doesn't like talking at all...maybe his mom grounded him from the phone because he's in his 30's and he hasn't ever had a job...maybe he got abducted by aliens...

One thing on the silent cricket front...had you told him, he might have rejected you, but you would have known instead of still wondering.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

ah kim i feel your pain sista! Thats a really tough situation to be in you know. I know for myself if i even feel like im going to be rejected even in the slightest way i will pull back and just stop talking to the person completely. Maybe this guy was doing that for the same reasons?? There really is no way to know for sure unless you ask him, which makes me think, why didnt you ask him??

See its always so hard right because some guys like to play mind games and there not safe, you cant tell those your interested in them. They'll just trample all over you with it. Even though they may like you, they'll play with your head like they dont. Then there are guys where if you were to tell them, then you know everythings all good cause there not pretentious. Does that make sense????


Ok if i would have been in your situation, the first time i said you can call me whenever you want and he didnt call me. I would have left it right there. If you tell someone CALL ME and they dont. That seems like a big IM NOT INTERESTED sign.

There was someone i really really liked and he played me big time with the whole im interested, no im not, yes i am, no im not, yes i am on and on and on for like EVER. He actually to this day still tries it, ohhh i miss you so much i just wanted to talk to you, i was thinking about you BLAH BLAH FREAKIN BLAH! So i think from that i have a bad taste for telling anyone ever again im interested in them, and im pretty stand offish when it comes to that sorta thing anyways.

It sounds like you didnt talk to him much, maybe he took that as a sign of disinterest on your part.... Did he ever make any type of indication he liked you??

I understand what your sayin about taking risks and all that, i think when you find someone you really like and you think its worth it, you'll toss all aside and just go for it.

 

[Jullianna]

I'm with Nod. If you make it pretty clear that you're interested in a guy and he starts backing off, let him go. If he is interested, it will give him some time to appreciate what he's lost. If not, you're better off finding out before you put your heart out there.

 

[abitofinsomnia]

I completely understand about wanting to protect yourself from similar bad situations in the past, but also wanting to keep your heart open to the possibility of love again as well. It's a tough balance. You know, the more I think about it, the more it seems there are so many 'walking wounded' out there who have been hurt deeply in the past and wall their hearts in from letting someone new in again. Maybe that's what this guy is doing; it may have nothing to do with you at all.

It does sound like you did give him all the indications of interest-- but it doesn't sound like you came across in a stalker-ish way. I understand the frustration, though... it does seem like he wasn't in a place where he could be the guy you need to be with. Blah! Way too many wimpy guys! lol

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi everyone,

I'm really appreciating the feedback! Nod, I just wanted to answer your questions--we talked on the phone a few times, really long, meaningful conversations but not particularly personal about our own lives or anything--I think I called him about three times, but we'd talk for maybe 2-3 hours at a time, and he said he enjoyed talking to me... and this was over a span of a few months... but, I was the one to call him--he never called me, which was my first warning sign.

Then, when I sent a couple of emails later on regarding some of the things we talked about, I'd get maybe 2 sentences as an answer... red flag number 2, at least to me... and with the even shorter text replies, I figured, well, he's just not interested.

I can also see Nuke's point about the distance--I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but you're right, I never asked him to know. I just figured though that if he were even somewhat interested, he would have taken some sort of initiation.

It's like what Nod was saying--sometimes you tell someone you like them and it changes how they start acting towards you--they might not even like you all that much but they might start thinking, Oh, I don't like being alone, and I'm not really into her, but she's into me, maybe I can keep her around as a sort-of-girlfriend substitute for a while (aka "the spare", as I call it... someone to talk to until someone better comes along).

I'd rather be alone than be someone's desperate consolation prize!

 

[zeroturbulence]

I don't think telling him that you're interested would have made a difference. I think that if a guy is interested he would put much more effort into his responses, maybe even try to win you over with his humor or knowledge. Telling him probably wouldn't make him interested because then we would just have to tell someone we're interested, problem solved.

 

[Liamson]

I'm with Nod. If you make it pretty clear that you're interested in a guy and he starts backing off, let him go. If he is interested, it will give him some time to appreciate what he's lost. If not, you're better off finding out before you put your heart out there.

ah kim i feel your pain sista! Thats a really tough situation to be in you know. I know for myself if i even feel like im going to be rejected even in the slightest way i will pull back and just stop talking to the person completely. Maybe this guy was doing that for the same reasons?? There really is no way to know for sure unless you ask him, which makes me think, why didnt you ask him??

See its always so hard right because some guys like to play mind games and there not safe, you cant tell those your interested in them. They'll just trample all over you with it. Even though they may like you, they'll play with your head like they dont. Then there are guys where if you were to tell them, then you know everythings all good cause there not pretentious. Does that make sense????

I understand what your sayin about taking risks and all that, i think when you find someone you really like and you think its worth it, you'll toss all aside and just go for it.

Hmm...

As a guy...

I feel like I'm guilty of everything that you guys have just talked about. Maybe its just the Internet, things typed never come out they way I planned them to seem. And with the internet, I feel like I never really get to know people. I see what they want me to see, and that makes liking someone or putting that extra bit of investment really hard. For instance (this is going to sound bad) I like chasing women, I enjoy pursuing a woman. I think God designed men to do this, to feel compelled to move. And in a sense the internet is kind of hokey. Finding a woman online feels too much like digging through Apts trying to find someone to hire and fill the position of Crush/Date/Relationship/Etc...

Its so hard to really find that almost body-language esque split second cue that says, "Are you a Man and worth my time? If you want me, prove it. Come and claim me."

Don't get me wrong either (in spite of what the fitness thread might have led you to believe) I'm not one to suggest that I'm too shallow for the internet. The internet is just so unnatural that trying to find out if I like someone without stalking them, becomes another unnatural exercise in and of itself. Most of everything comes out in text too, so voice inflection and that second underlying meaning are so easy to lose. One mis-step the conversation goes in circles to nowhere so fast that whatever Desire to pursue winds up lost in semantics. So in spite of my best intentions, even if I was falling in love, I don't think I would know how, at least without coming off like a weirdo.

 

[NukePooch]

Hmm...

As a guy...

I feel like I'm guilty of everything that you guys have just talked about. Maybe its just the Internet, things typed never come out they way I planned them to seem. And with the internet, I feel like I never really get to know people. I see what they want me to see, and that makes liking someone or putting that extra bit of investment really hard.

Don't get me wrong either (in spite of what the fitness thread might have led you to believe) I'm not one to suggest that I'm too shallow for the internet. The internet is just so unnatural that trying to find out if I like someone without stalking them, becomes another unnatural exercise in and of itself. Most of everything comes out in text too, so voice inflection and that second underlying meaning are so easy to lose. One mis-step the conversation goes in circles to nowhere so fast that whatever Desire to pursue winds up lost in semantics. So in spite of my best intentions, even if I was falling in love, I don't think I would know how, at least without coming off like a weirdo.

I couldn't agree more. Absolutely spot-on with all of the above. Same reason I once was on online dating sites and am not now... Same reason I wouldn't date anyone online unless she just happened to go to my church... Same reason that I get regular flames from people who don't get that it's a JOKE! GET IT? Same reason that I still think that Liamson is indeed a shallow weirdo.

 

[seoulsearch]

I couldn't agree more. Absolutely spot-on with all of the above. Same reason I once was on online dating sites and am not now... Same reason I wouldn't date anyone online unless she just happened to go to my church... Same reason that I get regular flames from people who don't get that it's a JOKE! GET IT? Same reason that I still think that Liamson is indeed a shallow weirdo.

And, the same reason we all know that Nuke Pooch is just a regular, NORMAL guy... nothing different or going-against-the-grain at all about him... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

After all, I'm sure it's perfectly normal to be a guy and that obsessed with Brad Pitt...

 

[NukePooch]

And, the same reason we all know that Nuke Pooch is just a regular, NORMAL guy... nothing different or going-against-the-grain at all about him... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

After all, I'm sure it's perfectly normal to be a guy and that obsessed with Brad Pitt...

Yep. I am the pinnacle of normalcy.