Just remember you asked, hahaha.
Listen, this is long. No pressure to read, none whatsoever. Scrolling on will not offend me, not even a little.
Full transparency... How embarrassing.
Ok let's see, i was quite a sickly and awkward child. Kids were not always nice to me.
Being needy, my mama gave me extra attention, and that made my 4 brothers and sisters at home not care much for me either. My Dad was a strong preacher man, who wasn't fond of my weaknesses, bless my heart, lol. Btw, my Dad was a wonderful man. I love and miss him greatly.
Anyway, being an odd quirky sort, I wasn't sure how to be or where to fit in. I always wanted desperately to find my place. I ended up for years putting myself in situations that left me quite physically and emotionally damaged, one ditch after the next. I had gotten to a place that I felt I was a different species. All this made me VERY self absorbed (still a character flaw He reproves, from time to time).
I love ppl, and that is not bad in and of itself, we are a very dynamic, wonderful, and interesting species. We have much to learn, give and receive from one another.
However sometimes, I exalt man more than I should. Don't get me wrong, I still believe we should honor and appreciate His creation, by loving one another. HOWEVER, He deserves front and center, in our hearts and in our minds.
I tried everything, volunteered like crazy, paid one due after the next, trying to be worthy of love and not care what others think, so full of shame. I kept trying to figure out what is wrong with me...more self focus. Even with two beautiful daughters, a career, food and shelter, family and a few close friends, still I spent years wrapped up in the wounds.
Sheesh, this is embarrassing. Still I share, because a secret or not, doesn't change the truth. It is just part of my story, we all have one.
Well long story short (ok, too late, lol), He saved me. He gave me a place for peculiar ppl. He is helping me die to self. I still visit those dark places and the consequences of them from time to time. He is patient and I am grateful.
With Him, we have shelter.
He made us all different and all quirky in our own way, and it is good that we have different flavors of ppl. All our stories and personalities make us used by Him in different ways.
My experiences have made Luke 7:36-50 my favorite parable. It has helped me learn to love and forgive myself.
I am free now to let all that nonsense go. I still love and care for ppl in a warm way. I like genuine warmth so I give that. However, now it is less me centered, so it allows ppl the freedom to be who they are. More and more, not completely, I care less about being understood. I have learned that it is intrusive, exhausting, and needy to expect others to return love.
After all, there is only so much time in a day. Things need tending to, work and rest.
Yes, I value those who show mercy and are not suspicious of extra warm and kind ppl, but also I need to respect the choice of others who are. Hey not everyone likes sweet things, haha. I know that I can be a bit much for ppl, most of us can be, in different ways, from time to time. I do not care to be a victim or to be loved simply for the sake of acceptance and validation.
It bugs me when peeps assume that, but less and less, I care because I know the truth.
All I want to do is genuinely love and make it ALL about Him.
The only love I crave (most of the time) is His. He has recently hammered this in my foolish stubborn brain...
"My daughter you have always had it."
In a crowd though, I don't do as well. I am learning and growing, though, that there is much to learn and enjoy in groups too.
For example, groups teach me to share space better, it is not about me, it is about we, all because of He...
I am 54 years old, far too old to be this young, lol. Childlike, not foolish, lol, is good in God's eyes, lol. I now know that God made a beautiful community, the Kingdom of God, for all of His people. We get to share and care our burdens, our joys, and our laughter. Best part of all, though, we get to share Him.
We are all so very blessed!!!
I ask that no one respond to my lesson confession, as I am NOT seeking to be reassured. I know I am very loved.
May we all keep on loving with Him in mind, regardless the return.
It can be deep lesson or a silly lesson. 
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