Picky

[LittleMermaid]

I was talking to some friends earlier today about my pickiness when it comes to relationships. Not that I have very many to begin with haha.
But I realized that with age I get pickier and pickier.
I think it's just that I've seen more of the world and the way people are. So I can tell when a guy is lying, when he's only after one thing and when I wouldn't be a good match with him. Red pill guys would say this is a bad thing because I'm about to hit the wall and now I'm much more picky than I was at 20. But the way I see it is...I would rather be alone than struggling with a partner that wasn't going to be easy to deal with.

Is this the case with you too? Have you become pickier or more lenient with age?
Maybe this word we call pickiness is really just discernment? I feel like the Holy Spirit is with me on it.

 

[tourist]

As you tend to get older you start accumulating baggage and the same goes for a person you might consider for a relationship. Being picky can severely limit any possible remaining choices. Rather than being picky it may be best to simply focus on what is the most important qualities and characteristics to you in that a prospective person may have to offer in a relationship.

Also, equally important is to make note of some things that, while you don't particularly care for, you would be willing to accept in a person. In other words, don't enter into a relationship with the goal of forcing change in the other person. Usually, this does not go over very good and may lead to resentment. Even so, with prayer, small incremental changes are possible for the person you may consider for a lasting, loving, enduring relationship, and possibly for yourself as well.

One can waste precious years fretting about the small stuff that bugs them even slightly and they start to wonder why they are still alone after all of those years.

 

[maxwel]

I think we should be wise enough to have some intelligent criteria for possible mates.
But we should probably limit our criteria to the more "important things."



Of course, maybe one of your really "important things" is that a spouse really likes green sneakers.

It's imperative that a Christian look for a Christian mate... but beyond that one ultimate criteria, it's all pretty subjective.
And that's ok.
.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Im not getting picky, I'm getting woke. I'm starting to truly understand how lucky I am to not be stuck in a relationship.

 

[maxwel]

Oh, and as far as my own criteria changing with age....
I don't think so.

There are things which are important to me, and things which are not.
I don't think that has changed much.

I'm not concerned with any changing of criteria.
I'm only concerned that I do a better assessment.
A man's natural bent is to just ignore his list of fact-checking if a girl is really pretty and smells nice, lol.

Ya know, that's just how it is.

.

 

[tourist]

I think we should be wise enough to have some intelligent criteria for possible mates.
But we should probably limit our criteria to the more "important things."



Of course, maybe one of your really "important things" is that a spouse really likes green sneakers.

It's imperative that a Christian look for a Christian mate... but beyond that one ultimate criteria, it's all pretty subjective.
And that's ok.
.

That's the way that I rolled 'em through the years too.

 

[Kim82]

Nothing is wrong with being picky as long as you're being reasonable.

But whatever behaviour you accept before marriage, you should accept after as well. You can't nag a person into changing their ways after marriage. It won't work. So you have to choose well what you are able to live with for many years to come.

 

[maxwel]

Also, we have to remember that there are two sides to every trait.
We need to really think about that.

Sometimes I think it would be really great to have a girl who was a mute.
Ya know, no nagging, always peaceful and quite.
But then I have to think, "well, a mute probably wouldn't laugh at any of my jokes."

So we have to really give this a lot of thought.
There are two sides to everything we wish for.

..

 

[tourist]

A man's natural bent is to just ignore his list of fact-checking if a girl is really pretty and smells nice, lol.

Ya know, that's just how it is.

.

Yeah, under that circumstance all of that fact-checking stuff gets chucked out the window.

 

[tourist]

Nothing is wrong with being picky as long as you're being reasonable.

But whatever behaviour you accept before marriage, you should accept after as well. You can't nag a person into changing their ways after marriage. It won't work. So you have to choose well what you are able to live with for many years to come.

You offered wise counsel.

 

[Lynx]

Oh, and as far as my own criteria changing with age....
I don't think so.

There are things which are important to me, and things which are not.
I don't think that has changed much.

I'm not concerned with any changing of criteria.
I'm only concerned that I do a better assessment.
A man's natural bent is to just ignore his list of fact-checking if a girl is really pretty and smells nice, lol.

Ya know, that's just how it is.

.

Yup. I'm reminded of an old Pickles comic, where a woman finds out her father uses bar soap on his hair instead of shampoo and conditioner. She asks him why he doesn't take better care of his hair.

"Why would I care about that?"

"Don't you want to look nice for mom?"

"With her bad eyesight, I doubt she could tell the difference."

The mother chimes in, "He's right dear. As long as he smells okay, I'm fine."


We can make lists of what we do and do not want in a future hypothetical spouse, but I've seen a lot of lists go out the window when people meet the right other people.

 

[LittleMermaid]

I wanna point out that when I say picky I mean as in the person’s character. As fas as look go I’m not picky.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

It's normal. For one you get wiser. You see traits, good and bad, that you were never aware of or thought about in relation to romance.
Personally I discovered things that ended up being important to me that I'd never thought about when I was younger.
And I've also learned to spot problems easier on that may be a deterrent as well.

But the word picky is rather subjective in itself. What may be picky to one isn't picky to another.


I've said it before but I'll say it again. Most people I've seen say looks don't matter seem to end up with attractive people.

 

[love_comes_softly]

I think as I get older my "list" of things I'd like in a spouse has actually gotten smaller. I think I've become a bit more realistic in what's important to me. However, the items that remain, I am even more set that there is no room to budge on them.

To some (those with very liberal beliefs), I'd be considered picky, but to most, I'm not picky. I just know what's important to me.

 

[tourist]

I think as I get older my "list" of things I'd like in a spouse has actually gotten smaller. I think I've become a bit more realistic in what's important to me. However, the items that remain, I am even more set that there is no room to budge on them.

To some (those with very liberal beliefs), I'd be considered picky, but to most, I'm not picky. I just know what's important to me.

I am glad that you know the difference between being picky and what's important to you.

 

[Dino246]

Someone who calls you "picky" is merely attempting to impose their ideas on you, or tossing bland criticism. In either case, it's worth ignoring. I think it's wise to develop your own set of non-negotiables, preferences, and desires, and let others develop theirs. What's right for you won't be right for them, and vice-versa.

 

[Hamarr]

I agree with Maxwell about picking the most important thing to be choosy about and not so picky on the rest. I have read a couple of books about how difficult dating becomes for women once they are in their 30s and how the options keep dwindling. So any excessive pickiness just reduces that pool even further.

I'm kind of in the same boat as far as not knowing if I want to be in a relationship or if it would add enough to offset the other potential issues I would be adding to my life. It's probably more difficult being a lifelong single and then adjusting to have someone I need to prioritize. There is a part of me that would like to be in one and start a family. Some of that worry is also most likely a good deal of just general anxiety about putting myself out there. If I say I don't want one, I don't have to try.

 

[maxwel]

Someone who calls you "picky" is merely attempting to impose their ideas on you, or tossing bland criticism. In either case, it's worth ignoring. I think it's wise to develop your own set of non-negotiables, preferences, and desires, and let others develop theirs. What's right for you won't be right for them, and vice-versa.

My non-negotiable is that a woman not be too picky...
cause...
like...
ya know, I have to get onto her list.

..

 

[melita916]

I had a list. It wasn’t long compared to what other girls had lol. But as I grew older, the list was modified. I can honestly say hubby has everything I want plus more.

 

[Rose1956]

This is an important and fun subject, hopefully I have some wise advice. First of all, I am 63, have 3 grown kids, been married twice....divorced after 23 years, then widowed after 16 years. If you are a Christian and your faith is important to you, you will be far better off to find someone like-minded. I think that is probably the most important thing to be picky about. From there, you can make the rest of your list as discussed previously. My next strongest piece of advice is to take your time and pray about it a lot. Both my romances were short (6 mths) and sweet. That's right, in those early stages, we are all on our best behavior, we get swept up in the romance and excitement, and miss the signals, even if there are any. My ex-husband professed to be a Christian who wanted to become a Pastor, he was handsome, and sweet, outgoing, and everyone loved him. Over the years he became controlling, demanding, verbally abusive, chasing after other women constantly (that one I should have seen earlier). By the end of our 23 years, he had threatened to kill me 5 times, and left me for his 4th affair. Look up signs of an abuser....he fulfilled all 10, and I would have seen at least 5 of them before we were married had I seen the list. My late husband also claimed to be a Christian, but his lifestyle did not show it. The problem was, he was a constant liar, so I didn't really know him. The good thing is, we never mistreated each other in any way, and always enjoyed spending time together. We'd lay in bed at night and chat for hours. He made me smile every day, so it wasn't a total loss, but there were times I wondered. SO...please take it slow. Open the communication lines about everything, kids, finances, habits, beliefs, goals, everything. Make sure you are compatible. My son is already in his 2nd marriage because his biggest dream in life was to have kids, she was not interested, he thought she would change...she didn't. Do not expect changes! My daughter considers divorce off and on because they fight constantly, they actually dated 4 years but is was on and off because of the fighting. I warned her it would not change, if anything get worse. It's better to remain single than to be in a miserable relationship. Love, best wishes, and prayers for you all!