Developing relationship skills

[tourist]

Very interesting thread. It's had me thinking a lot.

I'm at a point where I'm not "preparing" for dating/marriage. I don't feel like that's where the Lord wants my attention. I think we should all improve our relationship skills in general, but I think that's done by being around people, taking yourself out of it and focusing on others more.

I think most of our improvement in the dating/relationship skills actually comes during the process of dating or through your different relationships, not leading up to them.

I agree. You can learn a lot about dating by actually dating.

 

[tourist]

What you do is get your matchmaker to set you up on date, do something you both enjoy and then see if you want to go out again. I think thats it. Maybe take turns on who chooses what. After your 90 day trial if you are still doing stuff together then review it.

In working relationships thats what people do. But the thing that never used to happen was job interiviews. Why cos in the olden days you just asked for a job then you got it. These days thats unlikely to happen. You cant just rock up somewhere and ask for a job as theres hundreds of other applicants. If a job isnt suitable its better to quit early than have years of misery. So with dating I reckon treat it kinda like job seeking. In some ways when the right job for you comes along you just know, and you will stick with it through thick and thin. I really hate job interviews but sometimes they are kinda like dates.

I agree in that you should not date someone that you would not consider marrying.

 

[Solemateleft]

How can you put talk together and relax and enjoy in the same idea? What do you talk to new people about? How do you even get interested in the new people when there are so many interesting ideas bouncing around in your heat? How do you get people to matter to you in the first place? And how do you have a minimum of prescreening so that you don't let needy takers who have no interest in giving back vampire all your limited relational energy?

And help me out here, which food (well that typo is too funny to correct, it was supposed to be foot) is my best? My right or my left?

Not really asking for you to answer, just trying to show the reality of the interior world of those of us who tend to have trouble with the whole idea of "oh and you just start chatting, as you do.."

Always step off with your left foot smartly as in marching... was always a good idea while on active duty and hasn't failed me since... haha

Icebreaker questions for adults help you to find something to talk about with anyone - without the stress and all the fun...
8 Best Icebreaker Questions For Adults
1. If You Could Live In Any Sitcom, Which One Would It Be?
Ask if they can sing the theme song too.

2. What Was In Your High School Locker?
Allow them to take you down memory lane.

3. If You Had Your Own Talk Show, Who Would Your First Three Guests Be?
Learn who this person’s heroes and icons are.

4. If A Movie Was Being Made Of Your Life And You Could Choose The Actor/Actress To Play You, Who Would You Choose And Why?
This will give you an idea of how the person views him or herself.

5. What Is The Scariest Thing You Have Ever Done For Fun?
Give them a chance to tell an awesome story.

6. If You Can Instantly Become An Expert In Something, What Would It Be?
Everyone has skills they wish they could master.

7. If You Could Eliminate One Thing From Daily Routine, What Would It Be And Why?
Imagine a world with one less annoyance.

8. What Is Your Real Favorite Movie, And What Movie Do You Pretend Is Your Favorite To Sound Cultured?
Lets first acknowledge that everyone has one of each.

63 Icebreaker Questions For Adults – Fun and unexpected questions.
The key is to keep it loose, fun and stress free... just go with the flow...
200 Icebreaker questions
Have a look through and choose the icebreaker questions that you think will work best for the person or people you are talking to.

If all else fails - talk about all the alien conspiracy theories... or some of the livelier topics posted here on CC...

 

[laughingheart]

How can you put talk together and relax and enjoy in the same idea? What do you talk to new people about? How do you even get interested in the new people when there are so many interesting ideas bouncing around in your heat? How do you get people to matter to you in the first place? And how do you have a minimum of prescreening so that you don't let needy takers who have no interest in giving back vampire all your limited relational energy?

And help me out here, which food (well that typo is too funny to correct, it was supposed to be foot) is my best? My right or my left?

Not really asking for you to answer, just trying to show the reality of the interior world of those of us who tend to have trouble with the whole idea of "oh and you just start chatting, as you do.."

You assume I don't know the interior world of the introvert. That is a pretty big assumption and wrong. For me, I didn't try and chat someone up. The key was to treat the opposite sex as people. If you are freaking out not knowing what to say, how about asking them questions? When they talk, then listen. People you will think you are a brilliant conversationalist if you talk about them. They will probably give you clues as to the next thing you might want to say or ask. So to address the last line of your post, I didn't start of talking. I started off listening.
As for how you get interested, well either you do or you don't. Once again, listen. Are they interesting, caring, funny, deeply invested in their relationship with God? All of these things lead to discussion. Don't try and manufacture the conversation in your head before you have it.
As for the prescreening, it helps if they are known to your friends or family or one of your networks. It is hard to prescreen for manipulative personalities. You can't protect yourself with a 100% guarantee. People don't work that way, but it isn't "men are this alien species that can't be trusted." You kill it right there if you approach people in full armor. The other person is scared too.
As for the best foot, it is the one that doesn't kick your past laundry all over some unsuspecting guy and then have you follow up with "This is who I am so take me or leave me. I don't care. As a matter of fact, hand me back those knickers."
Seriously though, all people just want to be seen for themselves.

 

[Solemateleft]

As for the prescreening, it helps if they are known to your friends or family or one of your networks. It is hard to prescreen for manipulative personalities. You can't protect yourself with a 100% guarantee. People don't work that way, but it isn't "men are this alien species that can't be trusted." You kill it right there if you approach people in full armor...

Coincidentally, I'm working on a 10 question litmus test that exposes manipulative/narcissistic personalities...
Still trying to figure out how to work it into casual conversation on the first date... for example: "How do you feel about pop-quizzes?"
Just kidding... but I have contemplated the idea...

 

[tasha66]

Wow what great and wise answers to this question!
As I'm a single woman, I think firstly it's important to be safe - that's the number 1 priority for me.
I don't think it's always important to put people in a 'box' either. The more people you date, the more you get to know what sort of man you will like or dislike, and whether you click on a basic level.
The next lesson is to just be yourself - really; it truly is that simple. I spent years trying to be someone else when I was dating and looking for 'that perfect man'. I dieted & exercised like mad, worried constantly about what my hair looked like, tried to act in a different way, spent money on the 'right looking', trendy & expensive clothes - I could go on. Suffice it to say when you first start dating, just make general conversation, be friendly, down to earth and act like yourself. Usually after that, everything else will fall into place.
When you get to the stage when you're both sitting watching a late night movie, you're wearing track pants and your (potential) partner's too-large socks to keep your feet warm, drinking a glass of wine with him after a nice dinner and he doesn't care you look like a dag, then you know you're compatible!
Hope this helps a wee bit!

 

[Lanolin]

Coincidentally, I'm working on a 10 question litmus test that exposes manipulative/narcissistic personalities...
Still trying to figure out how to work it into casual conversation on the first date... for example: "How do you feel about pop-quizzes?"
Just kidding... but I have contemplated the idea...

10 questions? Thats too long an interview or questionairre for some there ought to be a bit of paper you slap on someone like a post it and it turns red if the person is bad to date and blue if they are right. This is so you dont have to endure pointless interviews where you get asked or ask the dreaded question....so....where do you see yourself in 5 years time?


Why oh why five years?!
Or the other one I hate...what are your strengths and weaknesses? You know that the job interviewer has made these nonsensensical questions in order to screen out everyone they dont want in order to pick the one they really want that they already kind of decided on.

And how do they do that its because a friend recommended them. So why are people dating someone they dont even know from a bar of soap. Thats dangerous imho. You've got to have at least two referees in a job interview that can give an accurate assesment of your abilities, why no less for a date?

 

[Lanolin]

Having said that, if I was matchmaker I could say from having known, been friends with, worked or grown up with xxx would make a GREAT wife and yyy would make a WONDERFUL husband...and you have my recommendation.

How could you go wrong if two or more people say glowing things about your date.

 

[kinda]

You assume I don't know the interior world of the introvert. That is a pretty big assumption and wrong. For me, I didn't try and chat someone up. The key was to treat the opposite sex as people. If you are freaking out not knowing what to say, how about asking them questions? When they talk, then listen. People you will think you are a brilliant conversationalist if you talk about them. They will probably give you clues as to the next thing you might want to say or ask. So to address the last line of your post, I didn't start of talking. I started off listening.
As for how you get interested, well either you do or you don't. Once again, listen. Are they interesting, caring, funny, deeply invested in their relationship with God? All of these things lead to discussion. Don't try and manufacture the conversation in your head before you have it.
As for the prescreening, it helps if they are known to your friends or family or one of your networks. It is hard to prescreen for manipulative personalities. You can't protect yourself with a 100% guarantee. People don't work that way, but it isn't "men are this alien species that can't be trusted." You kill it right there if you approach people in full armor. The other person is scared too.
As for the best foot, it is the one that doesn't kick your past laundry all over some unsuspecting guy and then have you follow up with "This is who I am so take me or leave me. I don't care. As a matter of fact, hand me back those knickers."
Seriously though, all people just want to be seen for themselves.

 

[laughingheart]

View attachment 203930

Thanks so much kinda.

 

[Solemateleft]

10 questions? Thats too long an interview or questionairre for some there ought to be a bit of paper you slap on someone like a post it and it turns red if the person is bad to date and blue if they are right.

That's an even better litmus test than my alternative B plan - still in the experimentation phase...
I've been using small vials of 'holy water' and at random times pull one out and splash a sprinkle on the flesh (preferably the face of some who deserve it) to observe if there are any overt skin or traumatic emotional reactions...
But you are right, the paper litmus test - much like a pregnancy test (you either are or you aren't) - is much more practice and efficient...

If I get the prototype off the ground - I'll let you know for your share of the patent-right privileges... haha...

 

[laughingheart]

That's an even better litmus test than my alternative B plan - still in the experimentation phase...
I've been using small vials of 'holy water' and at random times pull one out and splash a sprinkle on the flesh (preferably the face of some who deserve it) to observe if there are any overt skin or traumatic emotional reactions...
But you are right, the paper litmus test - much like a pregnancy test (you either are or you aren't) - is much more practice and efficient...

If I get the prototype off the ground - I'll let you know for your share of the patent-right privileges... haha...

Solemateleft I can guarantee you will get an emotional reaction lol

 

[Princesse]

I think it’s a mark of maturity and dignity to admit your shortcomings and make an effort to improve and overcome them.

As-is mentalities are the antithesis of sanctification. We’re supposed to grow and mature. The person who proactively does the same for themselves is more likely to help you in your areas of weakness. Than the one who sweeps their challenges under the rug or buries their head.