The church has torn my husband and I apart

[kaylagrl]

sorry for my insensitivity. my ignorance I guess. a couple of years ago my brother called me by phone and was very p-leased to announce he could speak in tongues. I asked him to speak to me in tongues and he did. it was the first time I had heard it. I was shocked. I questioned whether his gift was truly from God. and I still do. we will never know will we? so my limited exposure to tongues is the reason for my bias.
and apologies again. it must be annoying to be misunderstood

Don't worry about it, I have dealt with it for years. But I must say I am rather surprised that your brother could rhyme off in tongues to you. That is not what tongues is. Sorry, not to be rude, but was your brother "taught" to speak in tongues? No one I know could ever do that, just burst into tongues in a phone conversation. I truly don't understand that unless he was taught words to speak. That is really, really odd to me.

 

[kaylagrl]

My husband and I have recently started going back to his childhood church. After we got married my husband told me that we would try a couple different churches to find the right fit for us, after attending 2 different churches he decided he wanted to attend his old church, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to keep looking for our church but he told me he would attend his old church and I could find a church on my own. We were newly married and I feel like attending church with my husband is important. After a couple months at his church I have grown weary, I don't believe in their interpretation of the Bible or some of the things that happen in the church, I also want to attend a church where we can get involved in life groups (his church has a very small congregation of about 50 people who are quite a bit older than us, except for his ex girlfriend who is the only woman close to my age). I've talked to my husband about finding a new church together as he refuses. He told me he wants a post nup where I agree that he will take our future children to his church. He also tells me that I need to submit to him since he is the head of the household and my leader.
Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries me.

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?

Not to be rude but did you and your husband not discuss your faith and your beliefs? Rather hard once the horse is out of the gate to now set rules. But I agree with others here, why would he want to attend a church where his ex attends. Sorry, red flag right there. That would be a no go for me. I also wonder why he thinks submission is about you doing anything against your will. If you feel that uncomfortable in his church, and you explain why, as a loving husband he should listen to your concerns and come to an agreement where you are both happy. My husband is Baptist in his background, I'm Pentecostal and we attend neither church. We go to a place we are both comfortable and happy.

I don't want to cause an issue where there may not be one but a couple things concern me. It worries me that he feels his children must be raised in that particular church. If he felt so strongly about it, pardon me, but why did he chose to marry you? Why did he not marry this other woman? Or someone else in his church? It's hardly fair for him to lay down demands now. It also is a red flag to me that he isn't man enough to stand up to his family. That is an issue, and one that needs to change immediately. You're not married to his father, you're married to him! Once you both leave family you are to cleave to each other, not to family. So you have some issues that you need to seek some help for before they become much worse. I hope you can find someone to council you but I'm afraid your husband is going to be very hard to reason with.

 

[morefaithrequired]

Don't worry about it, I have dealt with it for years. But I must say I am rather surprised that your brother could rhyme off in tongues to you. That is not what tongues is. Sorry, not to be rude, but was your brother "taught" to speak in tongues? No one I know could ever do that, just burst into tongues in a phone conversation. I truly don't understand that unless he was taught words to speak. That is really, really odd to me.

I think he was taught. But I know he spent a long time feeling envious and a kind of
loser" for not being able to speak in tongues. What I heard was pretty hard to teach someone though I must admit. Scary stuff.

 

[Lanolin]

Sounds like a weird situation to me.
I would second the red flag about the ex. Be honest and examine why did he marry you? Is the exgirlfriend married as well?

Sounds like one of those insular churches where the attendees are mostly made up of pastors family and his extended family. All the youth group would be cousins. Yes there are churches like that where everyone is somehow related to each other. Maybe the ex is some sort of relation as well?

 

[Dino246]

My husband and I have recently started going back to his childhood church. After we got married my husband told me that we would try a couple different churches to find the right fit for us, after attending 2 different churches he decided he wanted to attend his old church, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to keep looking for our church but he told me he would attend his old church and I could find a church on my own. We were newly married and I feel like attending church with my husband is important. After a couple months at his church I have grown weary, I don't believe in their interpretation of the Bible or some of the things that happen in the church, I also want to attend a church where we can get involved in life groups (his church has a very small congregation of about 50 people who are quite a bit older than us, except for his ex girlfriend who is the only woman close to my age). I've talked to my husband about finding a new church together as he refuses. He told me he wants a post nup where I agree that he will take our future children to his church. He also tells me that I need to submit to him since he is the head of the household and my leader.
Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries me.

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?

Hi Paige,
Your situation is most unfortunate. It seems that you married a control freak who misuses the Bible to support his delusion. Don't sign any post-nuptial agreement, and don't even discuss one. Rather, consider using the tool over which you have control: physical, financial, and legal separation. He can go on living his deluded little life, and you can live yours without his interference. Plus, that will diminish the likelihood of children, who should not be brought into such an unhealthy relationship. I can't counsel divorce unless he becomes violent or cheats on you, but separation is fairly easy to accomplish as long as you have financial means to take care of yourself (or family support to do so).

I would offer one warning: if you are going to consider separation, make sure you clearly lay out the requirements that must be met before you consider reconnecting. At the very least, a demand that he breaks all linkage with his old church, simply because his ex-gf is there, is warranted. Counseling is also a good idea, for both of you, separately (for now); I suggest you take a look at the videos with Patrick Doyle on TheDoveTV's YouTube channel.

Your marriage is important, but not more so than your self-esteem and biblical convictions. At this stage, your marriage can be healed and restored.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

My husband and I have recently started going back to his childhood church. After we got married my husband told me that we would try a couple different churches to find the right fit for us, after attending 2 different churches he decided he wanted to attend his old church, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to keep looking for our church but he told me he would attend his old church and I could find a church on my own. We were newly married and I feel like attending church with my husband is important. After a couple months at his church I have grown weary, I don't believe in their interpretation of the Bible or some of the things that happen in the church, I also want to attend a church where we can get involved in life groups (his church has a very small congregation of about 50 people who are quite a bit older than us, except for his ex girlfriend who is the only woman close to my age). I've talked to my husband about finding a new church together as he refuses. He told me he wants a post nup where I agree that he will take our future children to his church. He also tells me that I need to submit to him since he is the head of the household and my leader.
Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries me.

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?

What does the church believe that you were so opposed to?

 

[Locoponydirtman]

I left the denomination of the church out because I didn't want to offend anyone who was that denomination.

I don't want to cast any judgements on this denomination I was just raised and believe different things.
I was raised Lutheran but I've always been open to attend other denominations. My husband is pentacostal and attends an extreme assembly of God church.
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with people who attend a church like that, I just don't speak in tounges or fall out. There is a lot of yelling and screaming and toungues and falling out during the service and I personally don't feel comfortable with that.

Sorry about my last post I hadn't seen this one at the time.
Don't sign any papers. that is abusive and unfaithful to the marriage, and I would tell him that.
I would show him in the Bible where the behavior of that church is unbiblical and in fact spoken against in Scripture.
What is the outcome then, brethren? When you assemble, each one has a psalm, has a teaching, has a revelation, has a tongue, has an interpretation. Let all things be done for edification. If anyone speaks in a tongue, it should be by two or at the most three, and each in turn, and one must interpret; but if there is no interpreter, he must keep silent in the church; and let him speak to himself and to God. Let two or three prophets speak, and let the others pass judgment. But if a revelation is made to another who is seated, the first one must keep silent. For you can all prophesy one by one, so that all may learn and all may be exhorted; and the spirits of prophets are subject to prophets; for God is not a God of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints. Therefore, my brethren, desire earnestly to prophesy, and do not forbid to speak in tongues. But all things must be done properly and in an orderly manner.
1 Corinthians 14:26‭-‬33‭, ‬39‭-‬40 NASB
https://bible.com/bible/100/1co.14.26-40.NASB
I would also tell him that his behavior toward you is unloving and unkind not gentle, impatient, destroys joy, is unfaithful, has destroyed peace, and lacks self control, which are the fruit of the Spirit, yet he expects you to believe he is full of the Holy Spirit, because he behaves in church directly in contrast to the 14th chapter of 1 Corinthians.

I know it's late now but this is why the Bible says don't be unequally yoked.

So yes find yourself an LCMS church and go there, don't sign any legal papers, and do your best to be a good Christian wife. But you do not have to submit to unbiblical and anti biblical demands, obedience to God first.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

Hi Paige,
Your situation is most unfortunate. It seems that you married a control freak who misuses the Bible to support his delusion. Don't sign any post-nuptial agreement, and don't even discuss one. Rather, consider using the tool over which you have control: physical, financial, and legal separation. He can go on living his deluded little life, and you can live yours without his interference. Plus, that will diminish the likelihood of children, who should not be brought into such an unhealthy relationship. I can't counsel divorce unless he becomes violent or cheats on you, but separation is fairly easy to accomplish as long as you have financial means to take care of yourself (or family support to do so).

I would offer one warning: if you are going to consider separation, make sure you clearly lay out the requirements that must be met before you consider reconnecting. At the very least, a demand that he breaks all linkage with his old church, simply because his ex-gf is there, is warranted. Counseling is also a good idea, for both of you, separately (for now); I suggest you take a look at the videos with Patrick Doyle on TheDoveTV's YouTube channel.

Your marriage is important, but not more so than your self-esteem and biblical convictions. At this stage, your marriage can be healed and restored.

And as usual this guy has good advice.

 

[blueluna5]

You can do a postnuptial on future children going to church? I'm pretty sure that's not a thing. How would that be enforced?

I would definitely look into counseling if you think that would help.

How quickly a few men forget this part of the verse: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (I guess that part doesn't align with them getting their way!)

 

[jacob_g]

My husband and I have recently started going back to his childhood church. After we got married my husband told me that we would try a couple different churches to find the right fit for us, after attending 2 different churches he decided he wanted to attend his old church, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and wanted to keep looking for our church but he told me he would attend his old church and I could find a church on my own. We were newly married and I feel like attending church with my husband is important. After a couple months at his church I have grown weary, I don't believe in their interpretation of the Bible or some of the things that happen in the church, I also want to attend a church where we can get involved in life groups (his church has a very small congregation of about 50 people who are quite a bit older than us, except for his ex girlfriend who is the only woman close to my age). I've talked to my husband about finding a new church together as he refuses. He told me he wants a post nup where I agree that he will take our future children to his church. He also tells me that I need to submit to him since he is the head of the household and my leader.
Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs it makes me very uncomfortable to attend and the thought of losing my children to his church worries me.

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?

Tell me about what his church taches and you believe... Please.... Except for the ex-girlfriend... Sounds like something is wrong with you from the post.....

 

[jacob_g]

Tell me about what his church taches and you believe... Please.... Except for the ex-girlfriend... Sounds like something is wrong with you from the post.....

You sound like you do not want this to be your future, so DON'T.... Not confusing.... The Scripture says be equally yoked.... NOT THE "CHURCH" splitting you apart.... Either accept, and be happy, or LEAVE!!!!! What do we know? Maybe neither of you are right or wrong just not equally yoked and not right for eachother!!!!

 

[sandtigeress]

Your faith is more Importend. Jesus said, that our faith(our following him) is more important than all family obligations, that regrettable Includes once husband.

 

[Nehemiah6]

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?

God does command Christian wives to submit to their own husbands. As long as he is not asking you to do something illegal, immoral, or harmful, he is the head over you. So it is not a matter of *blindly* submitting to him, but humbly obeying God. That is your real issue. Everything else is peripheral.

Every decision should be made jointly in the light of Scripture, and if there is no clarity you both should go to your pastors or elders to determine from Scripture what should be done. If your husband abuses his authority you can take that to the elders too.

 

[garee]

There is no commandment to make a denomination of people any larger than 2 or 3 gathering together under the authority of hearing God . A family.

Abraham's mother was a Hittite and father a Amorite . Creating a new family a Jew, a sect or part of the whole family of God or children of the world as those who oppose the gospel

The goal of the father of lies is to kill families with divorce. . death of a relationship.

The guide lines remain the same for 3 that gather together in His name or 3,000,000,000 in His name.

Some time the more is not the merrier.

Matthew 18:16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

Matthew 18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

The idea of signs gifts. . . Charismatics . There is not such thing .Spiritual gifts not seen yes.

The two words sign and gift are not found working as one doctrine . . .Again no where in the Bible do we see an outward sign that we are to seek after.

In the end of the matter tongues as a sign, points to unbelief.. . prophecy belief.

From my experience most that do trust in the idea of tongues as a sign to confirm end up pointing at their own self. They will stay a way from the foundation of the doctrine found in Isaiah 28 a law which is expanded in 1 Corinthians 14: 22-23 .

They forfeit that law in exchange for a wonderment of self edification .

Find a way to stay together. Some couples attend separate communities. Keep praying without ceasing.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

Your faith is more Importend. Jesus said, that our faith(our following him) is more important than all family obligations, that regrettable Includes once husband.

This is correct. As the apostles said when they were told to stop preaching Jesus,
But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.
Acts 5:29 NASB

We obey God first, we do not have any obligation to follow or obey people who lead us away from God or into things against his will.

The church this man insists that they attend is doing what Paul rebuked the church at Corinth for. Thus they fail to adhere to scripture and she is under no obligation to continue to follow her husband in attending a church that is in direct contrast to what scripture prescribed.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

God does command Christian wives to submit to their own husbands. As long as he is not asking you to do something illegal, immoral, or harmful, he is the head over you. So it is not a matter of *blindly* submitting to him, but humbly obeying God. That is your real issue. Everything else is peripheral.

Every decision should be made jointly in the light of Scripture, and if there is no clarity you both should go to your pastors or elders to determine from Scripture what should be done. If your husband abuses his authority you can take that to the elders too.

You have failed to read what she expressed about the church that he insists that they attend. They are engaged in behavior directly rebuked by Paul in scripture according to his letter to the church at Corinth.

 

[Marcelo]

........ I don't believe in their interpretation of the Bible or some of the things that happen in the church,............Since the church is so extreme and goes against my Christian beliefs ........

Do I lose my marriage in order to save my faith or do I blindly submit to my husband?

It depends on what their interpretation of the Bible is and on how extreme they are. My denomination is regarded as extreme because they don't use the media; don't allow politicians to speak to the congregation ; ministers are not allowed to get involved with politics; they don't teach "once-saved-always-saved"; ministers are not paid; there is no tithing; there's no Bible study; etc.

I am the head in my family, but regarding church choice I've surrendered to my wife's will. I'd rather be in another denomination, but I'm sure it would put her salvation at risk. I feel I can be saved in this denomination, so I don't really need to move to another one.

 

[laughingheart]

The other part of the "wives submit yourselves to your husband" is for husbands to love your wife as Christ loved the church. The communication is not working and what you have described is someone that shows no respect for you or your marriage. The post nup. is a definite no. He is saying you need to sign away parental rights. Your children, if you have them, will need your protection. He is looking for legal custody before they are born! That speaks strongly to his disregard for you as a person, a parent and a wife. You are in a tough situation. The wedding vows include honouring and cherishing. These are essential things in a good marriage. He sounds openly hostile. I am honestly worried for you. Be safe my sister. Be safe.

 

[Angela53510]

Thank you for the verses and advice and prayers.
Currently he is already moved out, due to disagreements I had with how he spent his time.
We had attempted to reconcile but once I brought up the changes I want with where we go to church he has completely shut down and told me it is his obligation to choose.

I truly thank you for your words of advise which confirmed my feelings. I guess all I need to do is get my live back together on my own.

I am glad you chose to leave him. He is a control freak, likely a narcissist, and they don't change. He has a rigid and wrong understanding of a Marriage relationship.

First, submission, as in Ephesians 5 is voluntary. Otherwise, you would be no more than a slave. Plus, there are many verses spoken to the man, and only one short line, which does not have hypotassio or submission in the verse in Greek, concerning the woman. .

Now, if a husband is loving and caring, doesn't think he is king of the house, but respects and listens to his wife, then of course, there will be a bond of deep love and trust, and the wife will want to voluntarily submit to her husband. It will be a joy, and as unto the Lord!

But a man who makes irrational or abnormal demands on his wife, without reciprocating, and loving his wife as Christ loves the church, is simply not living God's will as a good husband.

The other thing that concerns me in your post, is his church. I don't think this has anything with being Pentecostal, but rather that it is a cult. I am not Pentecostal either, I understand your dislike of the form of the service. But a much bigger issue is the control being exerted in the people, through generations. This is spiritual abuse! No other word for it.

In the event your husband magically changes, and you are reunited, I would implore you to never step in that church again. A service as formal as LCMS might not be to his liking, but as someone said, perhaps a Baptist or non-denominational church might be a place where you both fit.

But do continue working in yourself, and don't go back if he has not changed significantly. No one should stay in a spiritually and emotionally abusive marriage.

 

[Paige_L]

Thank you everyone for you advise and input. An update on my situation: we have filed for divorce but he is still wanting to see if we can save our marriage. His compromise is that we go to his church twice a month and a church of my choice twice a month, but he wants our kids raised pentacostal.
My idea of a compromise is to find a nondenominational church we can both enjoy to join and raise our kids in and once they are old enough they can choose if they want to go to a church of a different denomination. He refuses to go to a nondenominational church every week and raise our children in a nondenominational church.
Which comprise makes the most sense?