Why do marriages fail?

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presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
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I think staying celibate and not remarrying may be a good option.
 

NOV25

Well-known member
Nov 23, 2019
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Hello All,
This is my first post and I'd like to comment, I do hope its apporopriate.
So, I gave my life to Jesus back in Aug 2019.Prior to that I was void of anything that had to do with God.
I was in a marriage of convenience, what does that mean? Let me explain...
When I met my soon to be ex husband I was in a very physically abusive relationship.That relationship was drug fueled and very painful.The best things that came from that relationship was our 2 kids. At the time when we met I had no way out. In walks the husband.He asked me and my kids to move in with him.He said I'd never want for anything,and we could make a home and a life together.I saw my way out..and took it. We had an OK relationship at first...There was love but not the kind it should have been. I married him and we got pregnant. Thats when it all changed.He took a job as an over the road truck driver, which was ok at first. He'd be gone for 2 weeks and be home for 3 days and then back out for 2 weeks etc. That was our life for the first year. I had to plan the induction of our child based on his schedule. I was ok with that...Well...changes happened again. Over the years his time on the road became longer and longer. He was never home much and had become a stranger to our family. For the first year our baby thought the phone was a "daddy" I tried to move to different locations along where he traveled the most. Homeschooling our kids allowed for us to do this. after 55 moves I said enough was enough and settled for the last time in Florida. He started missing birthdays,then our anniversary, and major holidays soon as well. Christmas was the last holiday he made sure to be home for, but in the last 4 years, he had not made it home then. He'd be gone 2 weeks, then 3 weeks, then he'd come home once a month, then once every other month.He then would "visit" after six months..It was weird. The last time before we split he was gone for 9 months..enough time to create and birth a life. Meanwhile I saw someone on social media who kept checking in to church..faithfully every Sunday..I started interacting with this person. we had so much in common and shared many interests.. We started seeing each other and one thing led to another. In February last year, I told my husband (whom I had not seen in 9 months) that I was no longer in love with him and I wanted him to leave and I wanted a divorce. He left that day. I ended up dating that person until June,when they broke it off with me. I was devastated. I had thrown away 18 years of marriage for someone who did not love me. I found out that my husband had been seeing not one but 4 other women during our marriage, and by June he moved into his own place in another state and was "in a relationship" with one of the women. It would seem that what I called Karma acted swiftly.By this time I was broken..I still saw the person checking into their church every Sunday..In August I decided to go to one of his church locations (not the one he went to, that would be boredline stalking) Being only familiar with the Catholic church, my mind was like "here we go, about to cry and breakdown and be judged as every other time" This time was different. I walked into this church, and felt an overwhelming sensation of joy..People smiled at me and I felt so welcomed! Walking out..I ran into him..I never dreamed that would happen.He said he felt called to attend that location on that day! I felt...awkward. But I did not let that awkward feeling detir me from going back. I have attended service every week since then.. I have joined our serve team, am a greeter and have was baptized 2 weeks ago yesterday. My relationship with the guy has become so much more meaningful as we attend church together at times, go to functions together and we are closer than I have ever been with any human. Recently I have felt God telling me that I am married, and that as a Christian woman I had to at least see if reconciliation was possible..I reached out to him last week, he laughed and said he was taken. His new lady is a truck driver as well. I told him I was happy for him which I am. I do think that even though we marry someone, God MUST be at the center of the relationship, otherwise it will fail.I think the other man was sent to me for a purpose, to bring me back to God! I now am in a better place, mentally, physically and spiritually.I am grateful to God for removing the obstacles and for allowing me to hopefully find the one for me one day. But I know it's his will, not mine that will bring that person to me.Not my fleshly desires.
Thank you all for reading , and if it is in the wrong thread or inappropriate please let me know. God bless you all !
This is as good a place as any for your post 👍

Seems you’re being called just keep self examining through the study of scripture and prayer
 

SUNDOWNSAM

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Dec 2, 2019
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It is hard to hold back the joy of God's deliverance in one's life and to understand the difference between a catholic and a Christian. Christianity is about having a relationship with God in Yeshua and when one has Yeshua in their life they will know that even in difficulties God's grace is sufficient. As I once wrote which you can hold on to... My pains I leave behind, the scars are my lessons, I will enter a new life with a breath of fresh air and not that Yeshua's in your life it is better.

Only the hand of God can take a broken vase and put it together to make it valuable.

Words of encouragement... Let God speak to you through the Scriptures and you speak to God through prayer.
 

mar09

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2014
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Wish I could backread more.. but even if I cant... My father used to tell us, if at first u don't succeed, try, try and try again. I'm not saying we try to marry again, but there may be ways we're doing things the same old way in marriage, whether that be cooking, organizing (or not organizing=), talking and listening, taking breaks, etc. And how we do things may not have been working before. We could ask God for wisdom and try again (and again), changing what we may be able to, but not having strived to do so in the past. There's a statement I heard from a couples talk, abt one (often the husband) looking for his second serving, when actually he's at the point he so dislikes what he has become in the context of marriage. But it took 2 to get to what the marriage is at present, it also needs 2 to commit to repair and restore what they have started good together, with God!
 

SUNDOWNSAM

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Dec 2, 2019
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I took several of my post and composed it as one which might be helpful...

I believe that it is important for God to be in the center of a marriage, but God gave instructions through the Scriptures that if a husband and a wife follows they will have a successful marriage. I know many people who have been married for many years and had a successful marriage. I have learned before getting married that a marriage is not about a man and a woman, it is not about two people, it is about one flesh (a husband and a wife), if they do not recognized this the marriage would fail. God has shown me that a marriage will fulfill only when one of the spouse passes away, in other words, a marriage is a journey between one person a husband and a wife and many fell to realized this truth.

The problem lies in the fact that many enter marriage not knowing that in a marriage there is a role that must be played, one must play the husband and the other must play the wife, the man is to love his wife and the wife is the reverence her husband, but they need to understand that both are equal and that there must be order in the marriage; the man is to be the head, not to take advantage, but to love his wife as Yeshua loves the church and the woman is to be in subjection to the husband as the church is to Yeshua. They must yield to each other, learn to forgive each other, selfishness must be put away, they need to learn to love and give of each other without depriving each other. What I am trying to convey, trust has to be created, assurance have to establish prior to entering a marriage.

One cannot blind themselves to the fact that there are marriages outside christianity that are successful and that is because they understand what it means to be married, it will be a blessing if Yeshua was the center.

I am sure your father meant good and I understand exactly what he is saying, but sometimes one needs to be careful when encouraging because one can create doubt in the person they are giving this kind of advice, especially when it is a marriage. I would say it this way which I learned at a young age... Failure will never overtake you if your determination to succeed is strong enough.
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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some people talk about earning their Mrs degree and just wondered what they mean by that.
I just think its kind of weird that its mostly women quit school once they marry, like they dont even finish their papers and so never even graduate. What, you cant learn anything once you marry?

dont they ever think to maybe finish their schooling BEFORE getting married? Sorry it sounds a bit judgemental but I think there something wrong or stupid about that. But certianly I wouldnt judge anyone who wants to learn while pregnant or taking their baby to class.
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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am wondeing if its gendered that the woman must always be the wife and the man must always be the husband...or is there anything wrong with being a stay at home dad?

I think its better at least one person is at home with the children or looking after the house cos if both are out that house is gonna fall to bits like a pack of cards.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
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some people talk about earning their Mrs degree and just wondered what they mean by that.
I just think its kind of weird that its mostly women quit school once they marry, like they dont even finish their papers and so never even graduate. What, you cant learn anything once you marry?

dont they ever think to maybe finish their schooling BEFORE getting married? Sorry it sounds a bit judgemental but I think there something wrong or stupid about that. But certianly I wouldnt judge anyone who wants to learn while pregnant or taking their baby to class.
Why does someone have to get a degree to learn?

How common is it for women to marry and drop out of college? I work at a university and I don't see a lot of that, but I am usually just teaching students once in year three or four at this point. But if a couple chooses that, it might make sense for them. If she's a degree in Humanities or something-or-other studies from a fourth tier school that doesn't have a good ROI, it might make financial sense for her to drop out. There is something to be said for the wife staying home with children instead of sending them to daycare. But at some point, the kids grow up, and she may have fifteen or twenty years at home alone. If she locks the degree in at a young age, that may work out better than just taking classes that expire after so many years as far as other universities are concerned.
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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Why does someone have to get a degree to learn?

How common is it for women to marry and drop out of college? I work at a university and I don't see a lot of that, but I am usually just teaching students once in year three or four at this point. But if a couple chooses that, it might make sense for them. If she's a degree in Humanities or something-or-other studies from a fourth tier school that doesn't have a good ROI, it might make financial sense for her to drop out. There is something to be said for the wife staying home with children instead of sending them to daycare. But at some point, the kids grow up, and she may have fifteen or twenty years at home alone. If she locks the degree in at a young age, that may work out better than just taking classes that expire after so many years as far as other universities are concerned.
i dont see much of that either as I went to a secular university but I was quite shocked when I learned its a common thing amngst christian circles to go to college just to find a husband, when they find one, they just drop out?!

what a waste of an education, also what is wrong with completing a humanities degree? if you dont complete it you really have nothing to show for yourself as far as theses or dissertation is concerned. if you graduate, you can go on to do post grad and it opens up another world.

Humanties education was NOT CHEAP when I went so why would you spend all that money, get halfway and not even finish it. If you going to do start something then finish its only 3 years! If you are going to marry and have a family, why not actually plan it after graduation. You will always regret being a high school drop out...as many have shared.

even more so, you will regret being a college drop out.

I once flatted with a lady who told me she was doing a dance degree but her abusive partner did not want her having a further education so he STOPPED her from completeting it. Im sure he would claim it was for ,financial reasons, as well. . well that partnership didnt last.
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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something to be said for wifeto stay home instead of sending to daycare...how about the DAD stay home with his own children..or cant he be trusted to look after his own??
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
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something to be said for wifeto stay home instead of sending to daycare...how about the DAD stay home with his own children..or cant he be trusted to look after his own??
How about the one with the better earning potential works and the other raises the kids. Most commonly, the Dad has greater earning potential... but not always.
 

bojack

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Dec 16, 2019
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Things have changed a bit since electricity and convenient stores .. Women used to have real jobs that took from sun up to sun down ..
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
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i dont see much of that either as I went to a secular university but I was quite shocked when I learned its a common thing amngst christian circles to go to college just to find a husband, when they find one, they just drop out?!

what a waste of an education, also what is wrong with completing a humanities degree? if you dont complete it you really have nothing to show for yourself as far as theses or dissertation is concerned. if you graduate, you can go on to do post grad and it opens up another world.
I got a degree in Linguistics, which is at the intersection of Humanities and Social Sciences. I taught ESL overseas for that. That was fine for supporting just myself, but it did not translate so easily into work in the US, so I went on the grad school. If your parents are rich and paying for it, education for the sake of education may be a good thing. Those 13 years we spend up through 12th grade are supposed to be about education, too.

I'm not sure how common it is for girls to intentionally go to college to find a husband. Unless they can land a senior in their Freshman or Sophomore year or someone form a rich family, that doesn't sound like a good strategy. But there are churches where it is the culture for women to stay home with the children. I think that's great as far as raising the children is concerned, but then the kids grow up.

Humanties education was NOT CHEAP when I went so why would you spend all that money, get halfway and not even finish it. If you going to do start something then finish its only 3 years!
Did you skip summers or you in a country that has an extra year of high school and shorter bachelors degrees than they have in the system I am in in the US? I heard New Zealand has that.

Humanities education isn't cheap, and it can be hard to find a job after you get done. You may have to go to grad school to get a job in that field.

If you are going to marry and have a family, why not actually plan it after graduation. You will always regret being a high school drop out...as many have shared. even more so, you will regret being a college drop out.
Biologically, we are wired to reproduce younger than that. We are telling the young people to refrain from fornication for a long time. At least, many Christians are still telling them that. Society at large is not.

I once flatted with a lady who told me she was doing a dance degree but her abusive partner did not want her having a further education so he STOPPED her from completeting it. Im sure he would claim it was for ,financial reasons, as well. . well that partnership didnt last.
Financially, it could be that completing her degree would have been a negative net value proposition. Who hires dancers? Do they care if you complete a degree?
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
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something to be said for wifeto stay home instead of sending to daycare...how about the DAD stay home with his own children..or cant he be trusted to look after his own??
You didn't hear a lot of talk like that back when most men worked behind the plough and dug ditches. Most families that choose one parent to stay home usually choose the mother to do that, and I suspect that is usually the mother's choice also.

Women have a biological advantage over men when it comes to feeding small babies, so it doesn't make as much sense for a man to stay home to feed an infant. Formula isn't as good for the baby.

I also think it is probably harder for a woman to respect her husband as much if he's able-bodied and she's going out and working and brings home all the money. A lot of men don't want to be house husbands. Women looking for husbands tend to want to 'marry up', a man who has at least the same or more income, education, etc. I don't think I've ever heard a man say he wanted to marry a woman who is more educated than he is.
 

SUNDOWNSAM

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Dec 2, 2019
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I understand what you are saying and for this reason it is important that both the man and the woman get to know each other before marrying, they need to learn to trust each other, he needs to assure her that she will be taken care, and she to be assured that his words are true. Courtship is the place where the couple needs to get to know each other, talk about each other family to see what guy of family they come from, see if there is any divorce in their immediately family, not that divorce should rule a marriage out because some divorce were due to unfaithful and physical and verbal abuse. They should see if they themselves have a narcissistic behavior problem which will definite contribute to a marriage failure, do they get angry when one of the party disagree, do they always want to be right. One has to find all this out prior to marriage because this can lead to having a successful marriage. Let me also add, both have to understand that they are equal but in a marriage there is order, the husband is the head and the wife is in subjection to him, but this does not give the husband the right to take advantage of his wife.
 

bojack

Well-known member
Dec 16, 2019
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Hello All,
This is my first post and I'd like to comment, I do hope its apporopriate.
So, I gave my life to Jesus back in Aug 2019.Prior to that I was void of anything that had to do with God.
I was in a marriage of convenience, what does that mean? Let me explain...
When I met my soon to be ex husband I was in a very physically abusive relationship.That relationship was drug fueled and very painful.The best things that came from that relationship was our 2 kids. At the time when we met I had no way out. In walks the husband.He asked me and my kids to move in with him.He said I'd never want for anything,and we could make a home and a life together.I saw my way out..and took it. We had an OK relationship at first...There was love but not the kind it should have been. I married him and we got pregnant. Thats when it all changed.He took a job as an over the road truck driver, which was ok at first. He'd be gone for 2 weeks and be home for 3 days and then back out for 2 weeks etc. That was our life for the first year. I had to plan the induction of our child based on his schedule. I was ok with that...Well...changes happened again. Over the years his time on the road became longer and longer. He was never home much and had become a stranger to our family. For the first year our baby thought the phone was a "daddy" I tried to move to different locations along where he traveled the most. Homeschooling our kids allowed for us to do this. after 55 moves I said enough was enough and settled for the last time in Florida. He started missing birthdays,then our anniversary, and major holidays soon as well. Christmas was the last holiday he made sure to be home for, but in the last 4 years, he had not made it home then. He'd be gone 2 weeks, then 3 weeks, then he'd come home once a month, then once every other month.He then would "visit" after six months..It was weird. The last time before we split he was gone for 9 months..enough time to create and birth a life. Meanwhile I saw someone on social media who kept checking in to church..faithfully every Sunday..I started interacting with this person. we had so much in common and shared many interests.. We started seeing each other and one thing led to another. In February last year, I told my husband (whom I had not seen in 9 months) that I was no longer in love with him and I wanted him to leave and I wanted a divorce. He left that day. I ended up dating that person until June,when they broke it off with me. I was devastated. I had thrown away 18 years of marriage for someone who did not love me. I found out that my husband had been seeing not one but 4 other women during our marriage, and by June he moved into his own place in another state and was "in a relationship" with one of the women. It would seem that what I called Karma acted swiftly.By this time I was broken..I still saw the person checking into their church every Sunday..In August I decided to go to one of his church locations (not the one he went to, that would be boredline stalking) Being only familiar with the Catholic church, my mind was like "here we go, about to cry and breakdown and be judged as every other time" This time was different. I walked into this church, and felt an overwhelming sensation of joy..People smiled at me and I felt so welcomed! Walking out..I ran into him..I never dreamed that would happen.He said he felt called to attend that location on that day! I felt...awkward. But I did not let that awkward feeling detir me from going back. I have attended service every week since then.. I have joined our serve team, am a greeter and have was baptized 2 weeks ago yesterday. My relationship with the guy has become so much more meaningful as we attend church together at times, go to functions together and we are closer than I have ever been with any human. Recently I have felt God telling me that I am married, and that as a Christian woman I had to at least see if reconciliation was possible..I reached out to him last week, he laughed and said he was taken. His new lady is a truck driver as well. I told him I was happy for him which I am. I do think that even though we marry someone, God MUST be at the center of the relationship, otherwise it will fail.I think the other man was sent to me for a purpose, to bring me back to God! I now am in a better place, mentally, physically and spiritually.I am grateful to God for removing the obstacles and for allowing me to hopefully find the one for me one day. But I know it's his will, not mine that will bring that person to me.Not my fleshly desires.
Thank you all for reading , and if it is in the wrong thread or inappropriate please let me know. God bless you all !
.. Jesus forgives .. Don't live captive or fret about the past but be free in Jesus .. Hello Hands High in Jesus , Welcome and God Bless
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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I dont think women are 'wired' to have children early. if you have children too young you will exhaust yourself. and many many women died from childbirth before medical care got better i.e better hygiene practises!!

in this day and age because of pollution etc fertility has become an issue. However God can do miracles even in older age as He did on the OT times right up to Elizabeth in nt so its a bit of a fallacy that younger women are better at raising children.

there seems to be a lot of sexist attitudes being posted here.
sigh...women still need to teach men who think they cant use their brains.
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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You didn't hear a lot of talk like that back when most men worked behind the plough and dug ditches. Most families that choose one parent to stay home usually choose the mother to do that, and I suspect that is usually the mother's choice also.

Women have a biological advantage over men when it comes to feeding small babies, so it doesn't make as much sense for a man to stay home to feed an infant. Formula isn't as good for the baby.

I also think it is probably harder for a woman to respect her husband as much if he's able-bodied and she's going out and working and brings home all the money. A lot of men don't want to be house husbands. Women looking for husbands tend to want to 'marry up', a man who has at least the same or more income, education, etc. I don't think I've ever heard a man say he wanted to marry a woman who is more educated than he is.
Farmers had their own land and pretty much stayed at home, home meaning their own land. Home doenst just mean you physical HOUSE. people have this idea that a wife shouldnt set foot outside the house well thats just rather stupid. we need to get food from somewhere.
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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speak for yourself actually if a wife had to go out to work and earned more and the husband stayed at home to mind HIS OWN children that would totally earn respect. Cos minding children is hard work!!

I would rather hubby do that and bond with the children than have to hire someone else to do that important job. many ask the grandparents to do that but not all married couples have the grandparents.
it depends on your working situation.

as for dance degree, the flatmate was a dance teacher. she could have become a coreographer which does earn a lot but education wasnt just for 'getting a job' I think men dont understand how imprtant education is for women. who really wants to stay DUMB?
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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theres a lot more family friendly workplaces.
The thing is, because of the way the govt has framed it, and economics, much of the system was geared to educate either factory workers or for those going further, owners of said factories. sometimes you would come out of some schools dumber than you went in.

But that industrial 'revolution' has now passed and we are on to other ways of working now.especially home based and community based work.