Midnight Confessions

tourist · Feb 25, 2020

As for a confession... Well, it's 2:57 am so I suppose the "midnight" part is fulfilled, haha.

I still sometimes struggle with feeling lovable, especially in a romantic sense. Well, it seems to be going deeper, as I do struggle with believing God loves me at all times but it's been getting better. These days I can almost always believe and trust that He loves me. But there are some days where I lose sight of that truth and fall into doubt / condemnation and it can become a downward spiral.

But when it comes to "human love" that's where I still have a lot of insecurities. My physical appearance is very flawed and I am often concerned that I won't be beautiful enough for a potential husband. I experience unease and even shame when I think about being completely open and "exposed" in someone else's presence and that causes some intimacy issues. Even with friends I have a hard time opening up. For instance, crying in front of someone is still a huge challenge to me and although I know it could be helpful, it makes me feel ashamed and uncomfortable.

Um that was kind of a messy and scattered confession lol. But there you have it.

I believe that you will be more than beautiful enough in the eyes of your future husband and that he will indeed find you to be lovable. Love is more than loving outward beauty but rather loving the inward beauty, a beauty which will transcend to your outward physical appearance.

Lanolin · Feb 25, 2020

Im not used to asking permission or getting approval. I just do things like take initiative. which is annoying for my boss. Im sorry.

I have to learn to keep submitting, its a pain as Im used to doing my own thing. My boss is also quite busy running the school and I feel that I cant just interupt her or think she has time for me. She doesnt like surprises..I dont think its a control thing so much but I can see from her point of view its a bit slighting. I like that she is not breathing down my neck and I have a lot of freedom to do things but that also means shes not around when I want to do things...so I just do them!

This has turned out to be quite a problem for me, maybe its lack of patience? or not enough prayer?

Lord let me learn this lesson so I dont stuff up again..!

zeroturbulence · Feb 25, 2020

Belka said:

Thank you for sharing that. Your comment made me feel better. Like you, I have been having a string of bad days lately and last night I was really upset and questioning my faith in God. You are a blessing. ♥

Belka · Feb 25, 2020

tourist said:

This is very sweet, thank you so much for your encouragement! God bless you and your wife so much!

Belka · Feb 25, 2020

zeroturbulence said:

I pray the Lord heals you and helps you to have a renewed faith and hope in Him again. I know He is watching over you and He is so close to you in your struggle. Make time for Him, seek His comfort, for He wants to comfort you...

I asked the Lord for a Scripture to share with you and He gave me this. Please take the time to read it slowly and ponder each sentence, I believe it will bless you.

Also, here's a song I want to share with you:

https://soundcloud.com/nonsoude%2Fode

Psalm 19 (ESV)
The Law of the Lord Is Perfect
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

19 The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
2 Day to day pours out speech,
and night to night reveals knowledge.
3 There is no speech, nor are there words,
whose voice is not heard.
4 Their voice goes out through all the earth,
and their words to the end of the world.
In them he has set a tent for the sun,
5 which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber,
and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy.
6 Its rising is from the end of the heavens,
and its circuit to the end of them,
and there is nothing hidden from its heat.
7 The law of the Lord is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure,
making wise the simple;
8 the precepts of the Lord are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the Lord is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
9 the fear of the Lord is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules of the Lord are true,
and righteous altogether.
10 More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
11 Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 Who can discern his errors?
Declare me innocent from hidden faults.
13 Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins;
let them not have dominion over me!
Then I shall be blameless,
and innocent of great transgression.
14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

You are SO loved, brother. So, so loved. God hasn't changed His mind about you and He will never turn His back on you. Go to Jesus and find rest for your soul. He is offering it to you today.

love_comes_softly · Feb 25, 2020

zeroturbulence said:

Praying that you're feeling better! When life gets overwhelming or when we simply get overwhelmed with emotions it's easy to feel that way (at least in my experience). I pray the Lord bless you with peace and that your thoughts/state of mind will be refreshed.

I remember talking with my pastor one time after a death near to me, he said that when we feel this way, we have to stoke the fire and that would bring it to "life" again. I did this by reading the word and spending time with other believers.

love_comes_softly · Feb 25, 2020

Lanolin said:

It truly can be a hard balance can't it? At our school our principal is so busy all the time, so it does seem like a pain to check-in with her, but she's very much someone that wants to know what's going on. What I have found is that she just likes to be kept in the loop, which is a respectful thing to do, given her position.

When you find that balance of taking the initiative when you need to and seeking her out the other times, she will be happy and it will build a mutually respectful relationship. I pray that this will become easier and easier for you. You're not alone in that struggle.

I appreciate your openness and honesty in sharing.

Lanolin · Feb 25, 2020

love_comes_softly said:

I hope so...the deputy said...we're always busy, so interrupt whenever. I feel better knowing if I do that Im not being rude. Some people do get bothered if I interrupt them all the time.

funny thing was today she interrupted ME when I was busy with a class, but I made time for her, she and I were actually meant to meet tomorrow as she had said. Thankfully the reliever was there otherwise I couldnt have chatted. I think maybe I take on too much and its hard to please 15 different teachers all with their own ways of doing things too.

Lanolin · Feb 27, 2020

well update after my confession I wrote email to my principal, Lord knows she probably gets thousands of them and mine go to the bottom of the pile so she can never respond to things when i need them, done but she is free to barge into my office anytime she likes and overide any decisions, ideas or suggestions I try to implement cos she doesnt take the time to chat with me before any of this needs to happen.

so I held her to her appointment SHE made which was today and she says no, I already talked with you yesterday, But im like no, I never got to ask you or talk abot stuff I wanted to talk about.

she says I give you five minutes. what?????

she was going to give me 15 minutes and she cuts it down to five???

ok..Im like, great do you actually care how I feel? But I dont say that. shes the principal.

Lanolin · Feb 27, 2020

its ok I think I got that off my chest, but then one of my reliever teacher friends who did work under her prior warn me she was kinda odd about stuff. she wouldnt say exactly what though.

Maybe its just the inconsistency that has me confused. She said one thing was ok last year and so I did it and then now this year shes saying something else. I just never know where I am at with her.

Help!!

Belka · Feb 27, 2020

Sometimes I want a little more from people than what they can give me, at least in that specific moment.
It's hard wanting to be close to someone when they need their space.

Sometimes I long for connection and fellowship but can't have it in the way I would like. That's a little painful.

Sometimes I wish I could see a friend face to face and talk to them directly and give them a hug. But distance, financial difficulties and political tensions make it impossible. That makes me very sad.

I wish I could be with them and encourage them and support them right where they are. My heart longs for them. But I have no other option but to be patient and pray for them from a distance.

tourist · Feb 27, 2020

Lanolin said:

Consistency in action is very important otherwise it is hard to plan ahead if the other person changes their mind.

tourist · Feb 27, 2020

Belka said:

Sometimes I want a little more from people than what they can give me, at least in that specific moment.
It's hard wanting to be close to someone when they need their space.

Sometimes I long for connection and fellowship but can't have it in the way I would like. That's a little painful.

Sometimes I wish I could see a friend face to face and talk to them directly and give them a hug. But distance, financial difficulties and political tensions make it impossible. That makes me very sad.

I wish I could be with them and encourage them and support them right where they are. My heart longs for them. But I have no other option but to be patient and pray for them from a distance.

I'm sure that you're doing your best for your friend. i agree that it is quite hard not to be in close physical proximity.

Lanolin · Mar 1, 2020

I got a text from a lady that I didnt answer cos I wasnt sure what to say.
she was asking me help but not sure if she just sent it to everyone in the group Im part of or just me, and it was more like a demand to help rather than a request, to do a volunteer job shes actually meant to do.

she wanted somebody to deliver these flyers in her area so they can raise money for the garden and said I will leave them at my door for you to pick up tomorrow kind of thing, I will be away well I got this txt after I had finished work for the day and was so tired that I thought why is she asking me cos that takes time when its she agreed to do it. If she really wanted me to do them she would drop them at my place wouldnt she? I was just annoyed and not feeling charitable.

i could have answered and said sorry I cant help you go bother someone else. but thing is she didnt even use my name, didnt say please. And I feel like she was dumping jobs on people. I have had that before with some people you offer to do something for them ONCE and then they feel like they can then take advantage of you all the time. Is it possible not to feel guilty if you dont help out.

I would rather help out in other ways. Also if I was asking a favour of someone I would give them an incentive as well, and not just assume they will do it.

17Bees · Mar 1, 2020

Lanolin said:

I got a text from a lady that I didnt answer cos I wasnt sure what to say.
she was asking me help but not sure if she just sent it to everyone in the group Im part of or just me, and it was more like a demand to help rather than a request, to do a volunteer job shes actually meant to do.

she wanted somebody to deliver these flyers in her area so they can raise money for the garden and said I will leave them at my door for you to pick up tomorrow kind of thing, I will be away well I got this txt after I had finished work for the day and was so tired that I thought why is she asking me cos that takes time when its she agreed to do it. If she really wanted me to do them she would drop them at my place wouldnt she? I was just annoyed and not feeling charitable.

i could have answered and said sorry I cant help you go bother someone else. but thing is she didnt even use my name, didnt say please. And I feel like she was dumping jobs on people. I have had that before with some people you offer to do something for them ONCE and then they feel like they can then take advantage of you all the time. Is it possible not to feel guilty if you dont help out.

I would rather help out in other ways. Also if I was asking a favour of someone I would give them an incentive as well, and not just assume they will do it.

are you going to do it?

tourist · Mar 1, 2020

17Bees said:

I would be tempted to toss the flyers in the trash.

Vagabond · Mar 2, 2020

I want doughnuts

Lanolin · Mar 2, 2020

tourist said:

I deleted her txt message, and didnt answer it. Is that bad of me.
If she still wanted me she would call me right? Or check and say hey did you get my message.

I dont take kindly to people dumping their own jobs on other people they dont want to do and not giving a reason why they themselves cant do them.
The flyers cant even be delivered in my area anyway they have to go to another suburb so they are of no use to me.

tourist · Mar 2, 2020

Lanolin said:

I am glad that you made the choice not to be her doormat by her taking you for granted.

tourist · Mar 2, 2020

Vagabond said:

I scored some Little Debbie donut sticks at my local super Walmart. I love all types of donuts especially at Dunkin' Donuts. America runs on Dunkin'.

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