Affair, depression and little children

[FirstToTestify]

Dang, that's crazy!! :/ I'm sorry someone felt the need to steal your license plates. And I'm sorry your husband is being so distant. I wish he would have the ability to recognize that you're just being a good hostess and that you were appreciative of the fact that he came to look at your car. I hope you get your Skype phone soon!! You're right. God doesn't just hand things to us while we sit around and wait. We have to be willing to do our part as well. You're going to succeed. I have complete faith in that. Keep us all updated.

 

[SactoDan]

Hi! First off, I hope you are open to a man's insight into this situation. I am 45, been married 18 years and have two girls, ages 12 and 11. I have been married quite a while now, and it is not always easy. As a matter of fact, it takes a lot of work, patience and forgiveness on a regular basis. From a Biblical point of view, we are to put others before ourselves and live our lives for Christ, and marriage is a reflection of our relationship with Christ. I have read all your posts and responses to those posts, so I understand your situation as best as I am able to, based on that information. I know that you mentioned that your husband is not a believer, so that alone makes the situation very difficult ( as the one responder said about not being unequally yoked). I know that you want to know the woman's name and all the circumstance surrounding the affair, but the reason he doesn't want to tell you isn't because he is trying to be mean or destroy the relationship, basically, he is embarassed, ashamed, and feeling tremendous amounts of guilt over having commited the ultimate betrayal to you and the marriage. Are you sure you would really want to know more information about the person who wronged you with your husband, I mean, would this really help the situation? Maybe he should tell you what led up to the affair, why he did it in the first place, and can he assure you that he will never do it again, with her or anyone else. It might "bug" you to death if you knew who it was, with no chance of reconciliation whatsoever, because of the constant nagging thoughts of who it was. You will always remember what happened, but can you forgive this giant injustice against you for the sake of your marriage and your children? Judging by the content of your last post, it sounds like there isn't much time to make things work again, so please try hard to make up your mind if you still want this marriage to be reconciled. My prayer for you is that you can forgive him especially since he already has told you at one point, that he wanted to make it work with you. It will be difficult, especially with him not being a believer, but he could easily meet the Lord one day (many people I thought would never become saved, eventually did!) If you love him, and he still loves you, I hope that for the very reasons you got married in the first place (namely and number one: that you loved each other, flaws and all), that your marriage will once again become intact, and that you will respect and be faithful to each other forever. Sincerely, Dan

 

[KezE]

Will keep praying for you!
"Wait for the Lord & keep his way. He will exalt you" Psalm 37:34

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Dan thanks for your reply. A male perspective is also good because sometimes my husband is like a maze and really hard to understand. About the guilt, if he is feeling any guilt he has a strange way of showing it..... unless of course he deals with it in his own way. I don't know why I want to know her name? maybe so I can compare her to me? Before we got married he and my best friend who was married at the time fooled around behind my back. They did not sleep together as far as I know and apparently they felt each other all over and kissed a few times. I did not find this out until after we were married. It felt like God led me to confront him and he admitted it. These are choices he has made and it would seem that I was never good enough or completely what he was looking for. His mother well she thinks he is absolutely perfect he can do nothing wrong in her eyes. These are hard times that's for sure. I can't remember if I mentioned that I asked him for our sake to go and get some help for himself.... he hasn't and it does not look like he is going to or he believes he doesn't have a problem? I have worded a post of mine incorrectly - He believes in God but has not been saved. His brother and mother are complete atheists and it is because of me that he has been to Church a few times. Well the weirdness continued this afternoon when he dropped the older two off. From your perspective what is that all about? or is he trying to distance himself enough to end the relationship completely????

 

[phil36]

Hi Downunderdolphin,

I can sympathize with the pain and suffering you are going through and the turmoil for the Kids.. Keeping you in my prays.

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Will keep praying for you!
"Wait for the Lord & keep his way. He will exalt you" Psalm 37:34

Thanks, likewise for you too : )/

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Hi Downunderdolphin,

I can sympathize with the pain and suffering you are going through and the turmoil for the Kids.. Keeping you in my prays.

Means a lot, thanks Phil. Missing England still : ). Hear the weather is getting better which is great for you all.

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Hi! First off, I hope you are open to a man's insight into this situation. I am 45, been married 18 years and have two girls, ages 12 and 11. I have been married quite a while now, and it is not always easy. As a matter of fact, it takes a lot of work, patience and forgiveness on a regular basis. From a Biblical point of view, we are to put others before ourselves and live our lives for Christ, and marriage is a reflection of our relationship with Christ. I have read all your posts and responses to those posts, so I understand your situation as best as I am able to, based on that information. I know that you mentioned that your husband is not a believer, so that alone makes the situation very difficult ( as the one responder said about not being unequally yoked). I know that you want to know the woman's name and all the circumstance surrounding the affair, but the reason he doesn't want to tell you isn't because he is trying to be mean or destroy the relationship, basically, he is embarassed, ashamed, and feeling tremendous amounts of guilt over having commited the ultimate betrayal to you and the marriage. Are you sure you would really want to know more information about the person who wronged you with your husband, I mean, would this really help the situation? Maybe he should tell you what led up to the affair, why he did it in the first place, and can he assure you that he will never do it again, with her or anyone else. It might "bug" you to death if you knew who it was, with no chance of reconciliation whatsoever, because of the constant nagging thoughts of who it was. You will always remember what happened, but can you forgive this giant injustice against you for the sake of your marriage and your children? Judging by the content of your last post, it sounds like there isn't much time to make things work again, so please try hard to make up your mind if you still want this marriage to be reconciled. My prayer for you is that you can forgive him especially since he already has told you at one point, that he wanted to make it work with you. It will be difficult, especially with him not being a believer, but he could easily meet the Lord one day (many people I thought would never become saved, eventually did!) If you love him, and he still loves you, I hope that for the very reasons you got married in the first place (namely and number one: that you loved each other, flaws and all), that your marriage will once again become intact, and that you will respect and be faithful to each other forever. Sincerely, Dan

Hi Dan, just quickly... can he still be guilty even though he did not tell me about the affairs? this second one was by looking at his mobile because he literally had it strapped to him for weeks. I texted her when I had her number in England to ask why they did what they did because he couldn't say why - and apparently he couldn't talk to me???

 

[mdw1369]

Lord I pray for this lady. I pray that she will continue to read your word and I pray that you will remove these evil images from her. I pray that she will trust you completely. I pray for this in the name of Jesus. amen

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Lord I pray for this lady. I pray that she will continue to read your word and I pray that you will remove these evil images from her. I pray that she will trust you completely. I pray for this in the name of Jesus. amen

Thank you mdw, today is a particularly bad day : (. Crying is not going to solve anything. My husband seems to be in a rush to dispose of our jointly owned home overseas so that he can move on with his life. His emails and tone of voice over the phone show hatred towards me. I am completely amazed that he is not guilty at all for what he has done and continues to do... If I had the funds I would leave everything and take my children back to England. I am not a horrible person but can't seem to deal with being hated? Sorry to ramble, I am just so sad. God Bless You.

 

[xJoe]

I would just like to say this. I was in a family where my dad left my mom for someone else and my dad would support us while we lived with my mom and he did his own thing. I am so grateful I did not have that man around me while i was growing up. It would of pulled me down so far.
If you made a choice to stay with him you would be in fact be agreeing with his life style. Don't compromise. Living with someone unsaved just about always comes back at a believer. And the worse possible thing you could do is just accept it and live with it.
Fight for value. Forgive but don't forget or overlook things.

 

[emmysdad1]

I dont know your husband but i will say this. Oftentimes denial comes from shame, and he may feel like he doesn't know how to confront the feelings he is having. I am dealing with some personal struggles along the same lines, I too ended up divorced due to my infidelity. There is a very common albeit rarely discussed issue with men mostly but can effect women as well. alot of poeple, i dare so most people have some effect from sexual/love addiction on their lives. like any other addiction it takes hold and is very difficult to break free from. Oftentimes it starts from how a child is raised, and caused them to use attention from the opposite sex and or sex addicts in an unnatural..even overpowering manner of self validation. There is help for this...if he wants it. I am going through this now and it feels like a weight lifted from your shoulders when you are able to start taking control of your own life again. There is a book called breaking free, i would have to get back to you on the author info, it can be ordered from his ministry, and it has literally CHANGED MY LIFE

when you started talking about how he was, the problems, and the denial, i saw myself in the picture you paint of him, and that really makes me wonder if he suffers in a similar fashion as i did. feel free if you or him wants to get in touch to discuss this further.

 

[Schambe7]

Downunderdolphin,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs we have 2 children. I have just found out of an affair he had 5 yrs ago when I was either pregnant or had just had our son. I understand all to well of feeling shattered. I agree with a post someone else posted that he has to be remorseful and repent before you can try rebuilding your marriage. I read a book that really helped me. It was called Every Heart Restored. Some of the contents didn't apply but alot of it did. I pray that it helps you the way it did me. My husband got saved in Oct of this yr and I found out about the affair on March 1st. A day that will always be burned in my memory. I will definitely be praying for you and your family. Also i wanted to let you know about another online business that does not take any money down. Go to alpineacess.com all you need is a computer and a separate phone line. I have a friend that works here and she said it is the best job she has ever had. I believe it is working for xbox and doing trouble shooting over the phone. I hope this helps. I will be praying for your husbands repentance. And if it never comes I pray that you and your children will have a wonderful life together and you will find happiness. God Bless!!!!

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Thanks for your message. It made me a little teary just the kind words I suppose. Thank you for the alpine website, it is so unfortunate that it is only an opportunity for US and Canadian Citizens/Residents : (. It would have been perfect for me that's for sure. So sorry to read about the hurt you are enduring, doesn't it feel like it's the end of the world? some days are better than other for me. As I write this my husband is still in denial and really has a long way to go. It is quite sad for our kids that he chooses to be and live the way he does. I too will pray for you. The power of prayer alone can change so many situations. I am really grateful that I found this website, chatting to God's people is just wonderful. All the best to you and I pray for your healing. God Bless you with all my heart. X X X

 

[NazariteVow]

@xJoe "Forgive but don't forget"

If we're suppose to live like Jesus Christ being filled with the same spirit He has, then aren't we suppose to forgive & forget?
I think the two go together. See if you forgive but you remember then you're automatically keeping a conscious log of all that this person has done to you, therefore visiting the painful emotions of what they've did over and over. Holding on to what they done, just leads to bitterness, hate, regret and resentment towards them, just like you've said, "I am so grateful I did not have that man around me while i was growing up" about your father. It just shows you resent your father for what he did to your mom (I would too anyone would) and I'm sure you remember what he did to your mom time after time and it hurts and you resent him even more.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is forgiving yes but forgetting also. It is virtually impossible for any human being to totally forgive & forget someone who've wronged them ,especiallyif its someone close like a spouse or relative, and then go along having a loving relationship with that person, even if its done when there's an argument between them again the stink of whatever was done or mistake made is painfully brought up and thrown in the offender's face. Jesus Christ is the difference. I think everyman within themselves kind of awes at the thought of God saying, "And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also" KJV Luke 6:29 Because our natural sinful nature is like ,"INDIVIDUAL NOOOOOO! YOU DON'T STRIKE ME OVER THE CHEEK AND GET FORGIVENESS! COME HER'!"

*sigh* Forgiveness is a long road but it should always go with forgetting for to love genuinely is to forget the pain and hurt someone put you through so that you could be near them again. I hurt Jesus and he forgives and forgets all the horrible things I've done so I could be close to Him in the new earth and share an eternity of good jokes. God knew that its was impossible for man to totally forgive and forget so He made a provided way and that provided way was Himself.
I feel bad for every faithful wife/husband, loving and innocent kid that was and is a victim of against satan's number one attack against the family:affaires. Pray and keep strong in Christ and ask Him for guidance, He always help.

God Bless!