Questions for Christians Who Believe That Sex is ONLY for Having Children...

[Mel85]

Hi there,

Some CC friends and I were talking today about some of the topics we've seen on the forum in the past that have been a bit controversial. One of them is the belief by some Christians that the ONLY purpose of sex is to reproduce, and that married couples should only have sex in order to bear children.

I have always wondered, if this is the case:

1. What happens to couples who marry, then find out they are infertile? (Do they live out the rest of their marriage and just not have sex?)

2. Should couples expect and be required to keep on having children until they no longer can, even if that means they might still be having children in their 50's? (And what if there is a large age gap between spouses? Should the 75-year-old husband continue to have children with his 45-year-old wife if she is still able, even though he will most likely pass away much sooner than she will and leave her to raise them alone?)

3. What does a couple do once they stop having children/get too old to have them? Do they live out the rest of their marriage together but in celibacy?

While this thread has been written for those who believe sex is only for procreation and is not meant to be an actual debate about the purpose of sex, I know this will obviously be brought up, so I'm hoping that we can at least have a civil, respectful conversation about this.

The reason I am asking this question is because I have seen this belief mentioned several times on the forum before, and I have always wondered what people who believe this would dictate situations such as these if people are realistically expected to adhere to that belief.

Thank you for your kind consideration, and I'm looking forward to an informative discussion, even when there are bound to be expressions of vast differences in beliefs.

Hi Kim - very thought provoking post

As well as bearing children, I would have thought that sex between a married couple is a part of their sharing their intimacy for each other.

That’s all I can share at this point lol. Interesting to read other responses.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi Kim - very thought provoking post

As well as bearing children, I would have thought that sex between a married couple is a part of their sharing their intimacy for each other.

That’s all I can share at this point lol. Interesting to read other responses.

In the past, we've had some users express the opinions that sex was only meant for and to be used for procreation within marriage.

It was probably mostly in the BDF though, so I was curious to see if we'd have anyone who believed this and would be willing to discuss it in the Family Forum.

 

[Lanolin]

@seoulsearch, were those who expressed those opinions that sex only be for procreation in the BDF, so you know if they were actually married themselves? Where they male or female, just wondering.

I have found many opiniated people on BDF tend to be male but I do wonder if they are married and how their wife might feel about that. I wonder if men actually ask women hey do you want to make a baby before they go about it. Or do they just assume that their wife is always ready to drop a baby whenever. one of the mysteries of the universe no doubt.

 

[Lanolin]

I mean its ok for males to just assume I suppose but then no male I know has ever had to carry a baby inside themselves for nine months....

 

[seoulsearch]

@seoulsearch, were those who expressed those opinions that sex only be for procreation in the BDF, so you know if they were actually married themselves? Where they male or female, just wondering.

I have found many opiniated people on BDF tend to be male but I do wonder if they are married and how their wife might feel about that. I wonder if men actually ask women hey do you want to make a baby before they go about it. Or do they just assume that their wife is always ready to drop a baby whenever. one of the mysteries of the universe no doubt.

These are good questions, Lanolin.

The inspiration for this thread was about the topic itself and not any specific threads, but it is a topic that circulate here every now and then.

I can't say specifically (and anyone who does remember, please feel free to comment), but I do think most of the threads about it were in the BDF, and most, if not all, of the ones promoting this idea were male. I'm not sure I can remember many or any female posters starting discussions or supporting this. I could be wrong though. I would also suspect that any females who did subscribe to this belief would also believe that they should remain submissive (and silent) among the men, and therefore, not comment in the threads, but again, I could be wrong.

I don't know if the people who posted were married and actually living out this belief themselves -- you just asked the million-dollar question!!! I think the last time it came there was one male who was posting in favor of this belief and was single.

Whenever we do see this subject come up again, I hope you'll ask the people there these question. I would be very interested in reading their answers.

 

[Lanolin]

yea I always want to question certain assumptions people (men) that post on BDF have about women.

have they ever had a child, or experienced childbirth had they ever been raped or made to do things against their will, had they ever been violated or told they are inferior just because they are female? Have they ever had to clean the toilet even? Have men ever had to look after more than 3 children 24/7 under the age of 5? do they know that women only have two hands and not five?

 

[presidente]

If you are single and want to marry to 'prevent fornication' like Paul says, and you find out a potential love interest thinks sex in marriage is just for having children and will not be persuaded otherwise, you may want to break up and find someone else before you get engaged or lead the person on any more.

That's a major red flag, kind of like a man saying he doesn't believe in providing for his wife, or a wife saying she won't submit to her husband, or disrespect for a potential partner's parents or one of several other 'deal breakers.'

 

[presidente]

Paul said marriage was to prevent fornication, and to render one another 'due benevolence', that and fasting, and coming together again (or just the coming together again part) help prevent temptation due to a lack of self-control.

The implication is that sex in marriage is okay, and it helps prevent fornication. That benefit of marriage is gone out the window if you had three kids and decided that's it, and your partner says no more sex.

If you think sex is just for having kids that kind of makes sense if you also think you are obligated to have lots of kids, like the Duggars. Also, God opens and closes the womb, like we see in the story of Jacob and his wives, and he granted that Abraham and Sarah and Zecharias and Elizabeth should have children in their older years. Having children at an advanced age is presented as a blessing in the Bible, not as some kind of a curse like a lot of people almost see it as today.

I know talking about sex goes against Victorian sensibilities of decorum, which some Christians confuse with Christian ethics, but I think it wise to have some very basic discussions about sex while courting, just to make sure a potential partner is on the same page. Also, you might want to know if this person sleeps around, has slept around, and has a potentially high chance of cheating. The potential spouse may need some Biblical education (discipleship) on some topics of marriage, which could be covered either in conversations or referring them to someone else or some other source before going that far into the relationship. But ideally you both go into it with good sexual ethics, common faith, a common understanding on marriage roles, expectations about having children, how to raise children, a mutual understanding that you will meet each other's sexual needs, and a commitment to follow biblical teachings on marriage. These things are a lot more important than looks, actually, though looks and other things that trigger attraction can have a big impact.

A potential spouse who will have no concern for your sexual needs, and they are of high concern to you, either because of religious ideas or just their attitude is probably not a good choice for spouse unless they change first. If it is really low on both your priorities and neither of you care much, and you just want to have sex once on the wedding night and enough times to make a few babies, and you are both cool with that, maybe it's okay. But be willing to accomodate more 'appetite' than that, and if you get married, be willing to change your mind if your spouse changes his or hers and wants kids. that's only fair.

 

[Demi777]

Im glad that nowadays sterilusation is possible. I am surely not putting a child into this sick world. God can deal with me on that topic.
There are enough orphans that need care

 

[presidente]

Reasons for sex.
--- Paul said two shall be come one flesh spoke of Christ and the church. This is in a passage about wives submitting to and fearing/reverencing their husbands, and husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church. Paul also refers to a man becoming one in body with a prostitute, so two becoming one flesh has some sexual implications. So there may be some spiritual lessons in the experience within the context of a Christian marriage. Ephesians 5. I Corinthians 56.

---Marriage is to help prevent fornication, and husband and wife are not to defraud one another but are to render due benevolence. So if you are both 60 or 70 and he or she's got needs, but you can't have babies, there is still some need for due benevolence. Human beings have some physical limitations, which get amplified in old age, but I have read that some old married couples still manage to engage in activities from time to time. I Corinthians 7.

--Sex in marriage makes babies, too. That's pretty important since that's where people come from.

 

[faith_in_him]

Hi there,

Some CC friends and I were talking today about some of the topics we've seen on the forum in the past that have been a bit controversial. One of them is the belief by some Christians that the ONLY purpose of sex is to reproduce, and that married couples should only have sex in order to bear children.

I have always wondered, if this is the case:

1. What happens to couples who marry, then find out they are infertile? (Do they live out the rest of their marriage and just not have sex?)

2. Should couples expect and be required to keep on having children until they no longer can, even if that means they might still be having children in their 50's? (And what if there is a large age gap between spouses? Should the 75-year-old husband continue to have children with his 45-year-old wife if she is still able, even though he will most likely pass away much sooner than she will and leave her to raise them alone?)

3. What does a couple do once they stop having children/get too old to have them? Do they live out the rest of their marriage together but in celibacy?

While this thread has been written for those who believe sex is only for procreation and is not meant to be an actual debate about the purpose of sex, I know this will obviously be brought up, so I'm hoping that we can at least have a civil, respectful conversation about this.

The reason I am asking this question is because I have seen this belief mentioned several times on the forum before, and I have always wondered what people who believe this would dictate situations such as these if people are realistically expected to adhere to that belief.

Thank you for your kind consideration, and I'm looking forward to an informative discussion, even when there are bound to be expressions of vast differences in beliefs.

Sex is such a beautiful and incredible gift God gave us and it is really intended between a husband and wife. To say its just for procreation is not right nor is it fair not to participate in a marital relationship. In Song of Solomon it is discussed that sex is also used for intimacy between a husband and wife. The bible also talks about not withholding sex from each other in a marriage.

 

[BibleStudent60]

I happened to see this thread when I posted a picture about hunkering down. I don't have a family so-to-speak, so don't frequent this forum except occasionally if I find something that might help younger people from my life's experience. Us folks from the 70's have a lot to offer from life experience. Life is a sacred experience and a good teacher.
The Bible says many things about intimacy between a man and woman. Same sex intimacy is not allowed in the Bible for many reasons. It sounds like the OP is eluding to the Catholic church about procreation being the main reason for marital intimacy. The Catholic church has helpful things to say about intimacy and celibacy, and many years of experience helping Christian couples.
The Apostle Paul wrote about some of these issues, but I don't have the scriptures available.
One teaching I like about the Catholic church, even though I would never go into ministry without a lady, is that they consider that Christian love, and romantic love is what marries and confirms a man and wife.
Like being born-again as a Christian, and like a baby is not born by their own efforts, a man and lady are joined in matrimony by the power of God, and their love for one another. This is a free gift. A state legal marriage is important and also a church wedding, or other Christian community gathering. Being married before church and state.
Protestants and Catholics have different approaches to marriage and divorce, and procreation and celibacy.
Even Paul said he wanted a wife, but he was a traveling evangelist who suffered greatly for the faith and did not want to subject a woman to such a difficult life.
The Catholic church, from what I understand, will grant an annulment if they determine that a "sacramental" marriage was not happening for various reasons. And in other cases, even if a couple were married only by state and not church, if they were "married" by love, they may not grant an annulment. Even state courts require valid reasons for divorce.
Sexuality and sexual intimacy has an emotional and spiritual impact on a couples life.
Marriage must be voluntary and confirmed by God.
It is a serious commitment, and should not be rushed into, like myself and my ex-wife did, and we both learned from the experience, but also suffered consequences similar to emotional trespassing, which is referred to in psychology as "emotional boundaries," even though we were both kind of clueless as to what we were getting into. Couples are still responsible for positive and negative consequences of relationships. Babies happen. I'm an unplanned one myself.
Young people should realize that there are medical dangers to intimacy, as well as emotional and spiritual hazards. Persistent unhealthy lifestyles can lead to emotional wounds. Love is powerful.
There is a popular song having the words, "Heaven opens up the door, where angels fear to tread." I believe this is from the Bible.
Paul said that just because as Christians we are covered by the New Covenant of Grace, this does not give us license to do as we please without accountability and taking responsibility.
Somewhere in the Old Testament, it says, "Guard your hearts."
But, God is a merciful savior and healer of hearts.
Never despair of making mistakes and feeling overwhelmed.
Feelings do not create reality, and may or may not reflect true spirituality.
Like John the evangelist said: "If our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and knows all things."
A spirit of conviction, that motivates people to make changes and turn to God, is from the Holy Spirit. This is different than a spirit of condemnation, which does not come from God and should be dismissed and ignored since it is a deceiving spirit - the spirit of depression being one form of it.

That's the serious side of what the OP started.
I think she was also using a bit of melodramatic reverse psychology?
NO. If a couple can not have children, they might still consider marital intimacy.
But, they might want to run it by their pastor, or a bishop.
I'm not trying to be light-hearted about a serious subject, and the Bible says to "work out our salvation in fear and trembling."
But, it also says to spice up our fellowship as a way of reaching out to people and that, "the joy of the Lord is our strength."

One pastor who knew how to do this without speaking beneath his calling, pastor Steve, told the story about a monk centuries ago who was working in the basement of a monastery for many years alone writing out with a pen the Bible.
One day his brother monks heard him exclaim very loudly...

"OH NOOO....IT SAYS CELIBRATE!!! NOT CELIBATE!!

This has a good message for those who are not called to a life of celibacy. And those who are will receive a noble reward in Heaven for living out the Bible in humble service of the Lord.
But celibacy can work under the right conditions, for those who are called, as Paul said. It's a very powerful way of ministry for those who are called and can make it work out.

This next story is more fitting for college level about the consequences of not obeying the Bibles instructions to "leave home and find a spouse of the opposite sex."
A college student, a male student, was in class and taking a long grueling college test. The student, with an attitude, wanted to express a hypothetical situation, (this means he wasn't serious) said that, "But, what if I was awake all night, partying and having sex all night and I'm too worn out for such a grueling test."
The college professor, a lady, said:
"Well, Mr. Smith, I guess you will just have to write with your other hand...."

 

[presidente]

I could be frustrating to have a spouse with this attitude, and such a belief could cause a lot of unnecessary problems in a marriage.

 

[Didymous]

Well, it seems that no one has taken up the 'sex is only for procreation' flag.

My thought is that only misogynists would take such a position.

 

[presidente]

Well, it seems that no one has taken up the 'sex is only for procreation' flag.

My thought is that only misogynists would take such a position.

What about wives who don't like sex? Or misandrous women who think all men are good for is making babies?

 

[Didymous]

What about wives who don't like sex? Or misandrous women who think all men are good for is making babies?

As to the latter, maybe those women might see a dr. to find out if they have endometriosis? Or maybe their husbands need to learn a little more about women? Concerning the latter, such women aren't generally Christians, so why even mention them?

 

[presidente]

As to the latter, maybe those women might see a dr. to find out if they have endometriosis? Or maybe their husbands need to learn a little more about women? Concerning the latter, such women aren't generally Christians, so why even mention them?

There are billions of people with billions of problems.

 

[Lanolin]

I dont think anyone here needs to worry about something that isnt actually their own problem.
or if you do, you just tell God about it and He will deal with it.

that is the simplest answer!

 

[Lanolin]

sexual reproduction is a way to mix genetic material so that offspring are a mixture of both parents. But there are other ways to reproduce like division or cloning!

the first woman was made out of the man, what God did was pulled out a rib from Adam and created a woman. After that he brought them together again but they only found out how to make another human through carnal knowledge. The thing they did wrong was they didnt wait for God and followed Satans advice. so was it any wonder their first child ended up a murderer. God also sentenced Eve to pain and sorrow in childbirth and .adam to working all the time...hard labour for both. sounds like most marriages to me lol.

now fast forward to Jesus. Lets see did his mother Mary have carnal knowledge of Joseph to conceive Jesus? well actually no. Have a look in the Bible and see how Jesus came to be.

 

[Lanolin]

Joseph was rather put out that Mary hadnt ahem...had sex with him before becoming pregnant.
He was thinking of divorcing her.