who's the boss?

[Lanolin]

I live on a modest middle class income and could support a family in addition to bills. There's nothing rich about my area. It's actually one of the poorest parts of this area with the lowest cost of living to income ratio in the country.

lucky you.
most kiwis move to australia ive known several families that have moved for better prospects as its easier to raise families there.
you might have to work in the mines but even working at mcdonalds you get higher pay than in nz.
although in melbourne cost of living has sky rocketed, It depends...cities you have more jobs but huge costs of living, rural areas its cheaper but less jobs.

 

[Lanolin]

however in australia domestic violence is as bad as nz. so not sure how those families are faring.
probably ok as long as the economy holds up. in nz for a time farmers were committing suicide when they couldnt make ends meet.

 

[tourist]

I think men need to learn how to do more child rearing and how to cook...and clean and take more responsibilty in those areas, I think its a good thing as men get more into cooking rather than think oh this man cooks he therefore must be a chef in a restuarant.

The problem with divorced men and single mothers is they just dont know how to live together and work together. One side is going one direction and the other in the opposite.

women CAN provide for their family dont couples have joint accounts for this purpose? or are they only work for pocket money. If the husband gets made redundant or the business fails. then is the wife gonna put him down for it? It would seem men are just too proud to accept that women can work. This isnt throwing in their face its saying men wake up we are both in this TOGETHER. its not ALL on you to provide. if it was then the children would never see you and women would just be stuck at home cooking all day everyday. Do men not know that cooking isnt always a womans forte.

I occasionally do the cooking. My specialty is French Toast with fresh fruit in a glaze and Chicken Cacciatore, over rice. Gonna try spaghetti soon with my own special sauce recipe that I've been working on.

 

[tourist]

Another thing is a mans single income isnt enough to pay a mortgage these days, it might have been adequate 50 years ago but in no way is that the case now,You do need at least TWO incomes. That is if you want a home of your own.

You are correct on this financial aspect. We also do have a home of our own but still paying on the mortgage. We are going to sell the townhome and use the equity to pay down some debt and by a smaller place with a few acres in the country. I am sick of this rat race in Florida. I have lived in Orlando for 20 years and currently have lived in Tampa / St. Petersburg for almost 6 years. Orlando was total gridlock due to Walt Disney World and where I now reside only marginally better as far as traffic congestion.

 

[tourist]

Well, clearly you don’t live in Canada. I don’t know any dudes that don’t help out with the cooking and shopping and laundry. Along with that they still earn a living and take care of yard maintenance and house repairs. Also they do a good portion of driving to and from activities. In your little corner of the world things must be a bit different.

I hear you. Besides working full-time I also do the grocery shopping, get the mail, take out the trash, wash the dishes, minor house repairs and occasionally cook. If my wife needs help with something I gladly help her. That's what I'm there for. It's part of being a husband.

 

[tourist]

I think it depends on the dynamic of the relationship. If both people are working and neither one is there all the time to run the house then it's just a matter of dividing up responsibilities. Responsibilities can change as necessary, like every other day husband and wife can switch roles between cooking, cleaning, etc or make everything a joint effort. There's freedom to decide.

What I don't agree with is when someone works all day as the single source of income and then has additional cooking, cleaning, and child responsibilities as if being a provider wasn't enough. If someone is going to stay home all day, it's not a lot to ask for them to have dinner ready, things cleaned up, and the child looked after. It doesn't have to be the woman in this role, it can be the man. There's freedom to decide.

Yes I understand people get burnt out and need rest from their responsibilities sometimes, but I don't think it's a matter men not carrying their own weight as you seem to be suggesting. Giving a family the resources they need to thrive is invaluable and using those resources properly, without squabbling, is also invaluable. Questioning it comes off as ungrateful and ultimately quite discouraging.

People should be careful to occasionally affirm their gratitude and a instill a sense of adequacy in their spouse.

I fully concur with your estimate and the last part in particular. You have to make your spouse feel loved by what you say and the things that you do.

 

[tourist]

the other scenario is that men who earn most spend it on expensive boys toys or drugs and leave little for food, clothing or education of their own children. that happens too.

This scenario is not true in my case. Everything that I earn goes to the support of my family. I don't have any toys or do drugs either.

 

[tourist]

in nz, if a man cries its seen as weak, and cooking shopping and laundry are usually womens domains. Men do actually shop they just do it differently from women. Ive found some women will spend ALL day shopping (or several hours) looking for bargains and quality goods but men just want to take 15 minutes in and out tops.

For me, shopping 30 minutes, in and out.

 

[GaryA]

@Lanolin,

The answer is in scripture.

It only works if everyone fulfils their role as set forth by God in scripture.

Husband, Wife, Children.

The husband must love his wife.
The wife must respect her husband.
The children must obey their parents.

It is all in scripture. It is up to us to believe and trust God and do things His way.

If anyone does not fulfil their role properly, problems are sure to arise in the family.

If everyone fulfils their role properly, God will bless the family for their obedience to Him.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I've never tried to control the woman in a relationship. And even at times I've had to encourage them to voice their opinions as they seemed unwilling to offer theirs.
And this could easily be reversed in modern society that women have taken over the dominant roles in the home and strip men of their interests and personality.
But the reality is both happen. This is not a one sided issue, but goes on often, on both sides of gender.
Whether man or woman, being bossy, demanding and controlling is bad for any person and relationship.

I'd wager if people didn't rush into marriage they could take more time and spot these traits Before marriage.

 

[Lynx]

Just give it up, y'all.

Lanolin has a very distorted, highly negative view of men and marriage. Nothing y'all say is going to change this. She has complained about it here for more than a year now.

The only thing to do is let her get her complaining done and move on. Trying to convince her that there are some good men and good marriages only drags it out, and will probably get you on her ignore list.

 

[Lanolin]

@Lanolin,

The answer is in scripture.

It only works if everyone fulfils their role as set forth by God in scripture.

Husband, Wife, Children.

The husband must love his wife.
The wife must respect her husband.
The children must obey their parents.

It is all in scripture. It is up to us to believe and trust God and do things His way.

If anyone does not fulfil their role properly, problems are sure to arise in the family.

If everyone fulfils their role properly, God will bless the family for their obedience to Him.

what happens when say the husband loses his job and the wife suddenly starts dis respecting the husband. I suppose if you ARE the boss then its highly unlikely you will lose your job if you are your own boss. But then there are horrible bosses and you can never be certain when the govt does something that puts people out of work.

do you think its all down to the husband then who FIRST must love his wife. How can he do that if he says to her well Im earning all the money therefore its my house and you can just ask me for whatver you need.

or do you think in marriage the property should be joint ownership? or should the wife have a place of her own?

 

[Lanolin]

This scenario is not true in my case. Everything that I earn goes to the support of my family. I don't have any toys or do drugs either.

you are a rare gem Tourist.

I have found that many men when they are earning tend to spend things on themselves first, and then wife and children as an afterthought. this causes a huge heap of problems. I suppose if you are flush with cash it shouldnt make much difference but then wife and children feel like the also rans to expensive hobbies.

 

[tourist]

you are a rare gem Tourist.

I have found that many men when they are earning tend to spend things on themselves first, and then wife and children as an afterthought. this causes a huge heap of problems. I suppose if you are flush with cash it shouldnt make much difference but then wife and children feel like the also rans to expensive hobbies.

There are other men out there that are rare gems too. Thank you for the kind words.

 

[Lanolin]

when I got my first job I remember feeling hooray I finally had my own money. I spent it mostly on clothes as I had never had my own clothes before.
I cant imagine having to ask a husband for money to buy clothes..or maybe in marriages on a single income you have an allowance or something? I dont know. how does it work? Or maybe you just wear the clothes you already have saved up for the rest of your life. I dunno.

 

[Lynx]

Usually they handle it by the wife having her own checkbook... Or in these days her own debit card linked to their joint account.

 

[Lanolin]

You are correct on this financial aspect. We also do have a home of our own but still paying on the mortgage. We are going to sell the townhome and use the equity to pay down some debt and by a smaller place with a few acres in the country. I am sick of this rat race in Florida. I have lived in Orlando for 20 years and currently have lived in Tampa / St. Petersburg for almost 6 years. Orlando was total gridlock due to Walt Disney World and where I now reside only marginally better as far as traffic congestion.

I think urbanisation and globalisation has skewered everything. You now get bloated cities and deserted countrysides. There is no balance.
There must be a happy medium surely.
who wants to be King rat anyway. Thats all you become when you climb to the top. They say its mickey Mouse but I suspect its really Mickey Rat.

every city has to have its tower and Ive noticed many are going for the big ferris wheels as a tourist drawcard. But to me they just look like those hamster treadmills you can never get off.

 

[GaryA]

what happens when say the husband loses his job and the wife suddenly starts dis respecting the husband.

Then the wife is wrong. Period. God says so.

do you think its all down to the husband then who FIRST must love his wife. How can he do that if he says to her well Im earning all the money therefore its my house and you can just ask me for whatver you need.

The husband must always love his wife. And, what you are illustrating here that he is saying is a wrong attitude for him to take.

or do you think in marriage the property should be joint ownership? or should the wife have a place of her own?

Did God not say "the two shall be one"...?

~

Lanolin,

God tells the husband "Love your wife." - anything he does that departs from that is sin to him.

God tells the wife "Respect your husband." - anything she does that departs from that is sin to her.

God tells the children "Obey your parents." - anything they do that departs from that is sin to them.

Whether he has a job, loses his job, gets a new job, or whatever else --- has no effect on any of this at all.

The way God wants us to conduct our relationships - the 'roles' he defined for us - are only dependent on one thing:

"God said."

It's actually really simple.

You have to trust God and do it His way...

~

If you are concerned about how your future husband will treat you --- then, make sure he is the right kind of man before you say "I do"...

 

[GaryA]

I have found that many men when they are earning tend to spend things on themselves first, and then wife and children as an afterthought.

Not every man is like that.

I am not a "things" person. I would be more likely to spend money on my wife. Because, I would rather develop the relationship with my wife. I would rather spend money on things we could enjoy together and/or share. Honest.

 

[Lanolin]

Not every man is like that.

I am not a "things" person. I would be more likely to spend money on my wife. Because, I would rather develop the relationship with my wife. I would rather spend money on things we could enjoy together and/or share. Honest.

thats good to know cos a lot of men dont.
But you dont know till you are married I suppose as you said 'likely'
as for clothing you dont share clothing well I dont know any husband that shares clothes with his wife. so am not sure how that works really.

with my mum she either had clothes already or would just get them from the op shop or other hand me downs. she made them herself when it was cheaper to make them then buy them, but she worked to have money to buy the fabric.

I would just wear whatever was made for me or my sisters or cousins hand me downs.

I dont really know how husbands factor in clothing and food when they spend most of their money paying the mortgage and bills.