need a guy's perspective on this..

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J

Jullianna

Guest
#1
#1

SITUATION: A very attractive, sweet, fun-to-be-with guy a lady has been friends with for over a year calls and texts her several times over a couple of days indicating that he’d like to be more, but since she knows that a lot of ladies would love to be with this guy, she is very surprised to learn that he seems to have some insecurities about it.

QUESTION: What sorts of things can a lady do to help a guy be less insecure?
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#4
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
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#4
Anything involving the heart is a dangerous gamble. Maybe he is just fishing for reassurance that his feelings and wishes will not be in vain.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#5
#5
zeroturbulence said:
What is he insecure about?
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He's asking an abnormal amount of questions about other guys he knows have been in the lady's life. Seems a little odd... Do you think that indicates insecurity on some level? To ask questions in a way that make it seem that the guy is comparing himself to them?

Seems like it would be better to find ways to help him be MORE secure rather than answer questions like that.. I don't normally ask questions like that, is that normal? I dunno...maybe I'm the wierdo for not asking. :)
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#6
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
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#6
Jullianna said:
He's asking an abnormal amount of questions about other guys he knows have been in the lady's life. Seems a little odd... Do you think that indicates insecurity on some level? To ask questions in a way that make it seem that the guy is comparing himself to them?

Seems like it would be better to find ways to help him be MORE secure rather than answer questions like that.. I don't normally ask questions like that, is that normal? I dunno...maybe I'm the wierdo for not asking. :)
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Answer to the first part: yes, it sounds like insecurity to me.

second part: no, I am pretty sure its not normal. A guy might ask some questions if the subject happens to come up in a conversation, but to just ask questions like that seems weird to me.
 
Protection_Retribution

Protection_Retribution

Banned
#7
Apr 6, 2011
431
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#7
Are you talking about yourself ? Cuz you know that 3rd person my friend stuff doesnt work :p

And a lot of guys do that... I definately do. It a male dominance checking out previous mates thing, I would say just tell the guy the answers to the questions unless there like really private :p
 
1

1still_waters

Guest
#8
#8
Jullianna said:
He's asking an abnormal amount of questions about other guys he knows have been in the lady's life. Seems a little odd... Do you think that indicates insecurity on some level? To ask questions in a way that make it seem that the guy is comparing himself to them?

Seems like it would be better to find ways to help him be MORE secure rather than answer questions like that.. I don't normally ask questions like that, is that normal? I dunno...maybe I'm the wierdo for not asking. :)
Click to expand...
He could just be surveying the land. Seeing what the competition is. If said guys are, "just friends", he may feel more bolder in crossing the Jordan. If said guys were more than just friends and were kinda umm...flings with said girl, then he might be trying to figure out his ultimate fate with said girl. Making him less hesitant to cross the Jordan.

It could be a major red flag though. A guy taking inventory and feeling threatened by any male presence in said girls life, well that' seems kinda like a red flag.

Also, is what you're perceiving as insecurity, really insecurity?
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#9
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
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#9
I just want to make myself clear...

If these questions were coming up in the course of a conversation that wouldn't be so weird, but for the guy to just text these questions to you and ask you over the phone over two days is weird.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#10
#10
Protection_Retribution said:
Are you talking about yourself ? Cuz you know that 3rd person my friend stuff doesnt work :p

And a lot of guys do that... I definately do. It a male dominance checking out previous mates thing, I would say just tell the guy the answers to the questions unless there like really private :p
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Very astute, Grasshopper :p (thinking you're probably way too young to get that reference though haha)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#11
#11
1still_waters said:
He could just be surveying the land. Seeing what the competition is. If said guys are, "just friends", he may feel more bolder in crossing the Jordan. If said guys were more than just friends and were kinda umm...flings with said girl, then he might be trying to figure out his ultimate fate with said girl. Making him less hesitant to cross the Jordan.

It could be a major red flag though. A guy taking inventory and feeling threatened by any male presence in said girls life, well that' seems kinda like a red flag.

Also, is what you're perceiving as insecurity, really insecurity?
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I guess that's why I'm asking... If it were a woman, I would clearly see it as insecurity, but am not sure whether a guy's mind works the same way.... As you say, if it IS, it would be something to keep an eye on, wouldn't it?

Maybe I should listen to Hommer and stop overthinking stuff :)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#12
#12
zeroturbulence said:
I just want to make myself clear...

If these questions were coming up in the course of a conversation that wouldn't be so weird, but for the guy to just text these questions to you and ask you over the phone over two days is weird.
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Thanks, Gabe. Seemed odd to me too...
 
1

1still_waters

Guest
#13
#13
Jullianna said:
I guess that's why I'm asking... If it were a woman, I would clearly see it as insecurity, but am not sure whether a guy's mind works the same way.... As you say, if it IS, it would be something to keep an eye on, wouldn't it?

Maybe I should listen to Hommer and stop overthinking stuff :)
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If he starts trying to take inventory of your every move and action, wanting to know where you're at and when, then yeah, the boy has major issues and said girl should get our her bear spray and those boots that were made for walkin.
 
M

Matthew

Guest
#14
#14
Jullianna said:
QUESTION: What sorts of things can a lady do to help a guy be less insecure?
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Put simply you can flatter his ego, that'll work with most guys......that said it'a a very bad idea that will have dire consequences if and when the relationship goes south because the house of cards will fall and the guy will be even worse off.
This will happen even if everything that's said to build him up is true, his inability or unwillingness to believe makes that irrelevant and he will feel worse.

It sounds like insecurity, he either has a control issue and needs full disclosure to give him that feeling or he has a fear of inadequacy, either way it is a red flag so proceed very slowly and cautiously.

I think there's nothing you can do, one person can't fix another person's insecurity, it is something they have to do themselves and the best anyone else can do is give support, if this guy wants a relationship with you and is seeking to scrutanise your past I'd run fast and far, seems like he has issues that aren't being dealt with and getting in a relationship won't help anyone.
 
Hommer

Hommer

Senior Member
#15
Feb 11, 2010
172
3
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#15
Jullianna said:
He's asking an abnormal amount of questions about other guys he knows have been in the lady's life. Seems a little odd... Do you think that indicates insecurity on some level? To ask questions in a way that make it seem that the guy is comparing himself to them?

Seems like it would be better to find ways to help him be MORE secure rather than answer questions like that.. I don't normally ask questions like that, is that normal? I dunno...maybe I'm the wierdo for not asking. :)
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Jules,

Just from my perspective...............I, having a deep love for history, can sometimes take in interests in a woman's past. For many reasons, one I think it tells alot about who we are and what we have become, I mean I look at U.S. History the same what we have been through has shaped what we are today. I know that sounds corney but when I am interested in a woman I want to know about her, not just surface stuff but truly know about her, who she was, who she is, who she wants to become...........I find people very facsinating like that. Now if she doesnt want to discuss it thats not a big deal with me not everybody is an open book like myself..........But I truly believe the beauty in ALL people encompasses everything about them.......thats what makes their smile bright and their spirit sweet....


No the second angle on that is this.........maybe the guy has trusth issues and whats to see what kind of person you are........or he is a bit insecure and is trying to find out if you date guys like him............for instance say he is a portly fellow and loves tractors........and he isnt sure this shiny babe he sees all the time is into little debbies and Allis Chalmers........so he might inquire to see if she has dated anybody like him before...........I mean maybe she likes slim guys who own john deere's ( God help her) then he knows that this dame is nothin but trouble...............

Glad I could help
 
Hommer

Hommer

Senior Member
#16
Feb 11, 2010
172
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#16
Oh I forgot to ease his mind simply tell him that you had a long night last night pullin back on the Dr. Peppers as you where eatin a box of swiss cake rolls adjusting the injection pump on your Allis D21.............that would put any man's mind to rest.........and give him a hankerin' to see that tractor........
 
1

1still_waters

Guest
#17
#17
Hommer said:
Oh I forgot to ease his mind simply tell him that you had a long night last night pullin back on the Dr. Peppers as you where eatin a box of swiss cake rolls adjusting the injection pump on your Allis D21.............that would put any man's mind to rest.........and give him a hankerin' to see that tractor........
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Good to see you in character. :p
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#18
#18
LOL@ shiny babe. Much better than a "little somethin something". You kill me, Hommer :)

Maybe guys are like guns and you have to use the KISS (keep it simple stupid) method. I'm a pretty straight shooter, so maybe I need to find a polite way to ask what all of the questions were about to see how straight HE shoots, huh? That is, IF he calls back after the answers I gave. :)

Maybe one benefit to dating a stranger rather than a friend is that friends might know too much of your business...

Thanks for your help all..greatly appreciated. It's good to be able to just ask rather than waste time trying to understand the male mind, right, ladies?? haha
 
grace

grace

Senior Member
#19
Sep 8, 2006
1,064
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#19
(...not a guy, obviously...) My initial gut feeling, those types of questions done in the manner he did them all sounds/feels a bit controling to me. :(

(as we have discussed a time or two...a woman who guards her heart is a wise woman indeed. :) )
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#20
#20
Yep, Grace <3 ...perzactly why I needed to know. :) Don't wanna go down that road...
 
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