Firstly... yeah, I suppose I am slowly evolving past the stage where I feel like I want excitement and adventure. I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime and some of it I didn't even ask for. And I find myself getting more set in my ways and the idea of change or being without a home scares me.
A few years ago, I thought I really wanted to make one final, radical adventure and move to Norway... but even that feeling seems to be dying now.
And... I am really beginning to feel old.
Anyway... you also brought up some good points, and they do humble me a bit and make me really think about some things. I guess the brutal, honest truth is...
In some ways... there are some areas at least where I kinda, at least, still like to be a kid. Just being honest. And I have found that that trait in me is a turn-off even in casual friendships sometimes, because.... even if sometimes a sorta surrogate parent dynamic can develop between two people (especially online) for a while... it does wear after a while, and it's not so great for anyone anymore especially when you pass 30.
And honestly... I do like the idea of just being able to get what I want and be able to do what I want, although I am told I am very helpful around the house so that is something at least. (Though I don't clean anywhere as much as I prolly should... but the floors do get cleaned once or twice a month, I wash dishes daily, I clean the kitchen counters...)
I... will have to meditate on the question of whether I could still like someone or be able to handle it if they were suddenly in a wheelchair, (I'm just being brutally honest here and working through things honestly) because.... well, I suppose it depends? If you go after someone in pursuit of a relationship, chances are.... you do have certain desires you want fulfilled. "I originally got attracted to this person because they will help me feel comfortable, secure, keep a home in place, and because he's attractive in some way...."
I think one key thing to look at here is the difference between, "This is what I sought after originally/what I am getting when I enter this relationship now" vs "This is... how things have changed over time when unfortunate circumstances have occurred."
I guess... that's just one of the bumpy uphevels of life (although sometimes I know God can use change and circumstances to humble us) is... well, if you're fully willing to START a relationship on the understanding of, "Yes, this person is in a wheelchair and I may even need to help him sit on the toilet and such cuz he can't use his arms..." If you go into that with full prior knowledge and consensual understanding on both sides, you should be alright. It's just.... if the mentality is more like, "I got into this because I wanted a hot prince who will say the sky is the limit forever" and that person loses their business empire and becomes wheel-chair bound... I'd say at the very least, you'd be in for a significant shock.
Honestly... I am unsure if I am even capable of loving anyone in the ideal way that members of a partnership should love each other. I dunno if it's partially due to depression or the fact that I've been disappointed too many times in my life, but... sometimes, I find that the only reason I do things for other people is because there is simply nobody else there to do it. Which... I suppose is valid enough, people often go to work not because they're overjoyed to do so, but because they have to. I'm just... not sure how loving that is.
I.... honestly sometimes wonder if part of my attitude or whatever might go back just a tad to how I was brought up. To be fair, when I was younger anyway, I wasn't a stranger to hard work; I grew up on a farm. These days, I'm more like a spoiled suburban girl, even if I have household responsibilities. (Plus I have some health issues that would prevent me from doing heavy labor kind of work anyway, but I can still do plenty.)
But the point is... my parents really have idolized me, especially my dad, and again... he was totally convinced back when I was 17 that God was going to bring someone special into my life once I turned 18, and he had always told me up to that point that I was really awesome and that a man would be very pleased to have me.
The only thing was.... he didn't really get to know me or give me many chances to grow or develop as a person, and seemed to feel he had done a very good job raising me.... and he seemed blinded to the fact that sometimes I could be greedy, petty, selfish, and sometimes a real diva, particularly during my twenties. I still have a mildly greedy side, sometimes.
I think... maybe it can do something to your mentality or expectations if.... well, on the one hand, it is good to have parents who absolutely adore you and will love you no matter what. But if you end up developing a mentality that you're just awesome the way you are, an absolute prize, and if this is partially fueled by the Disney-like mentality that anyone worthy should be willing to slay dragons, lasso the moon and be anything you want or need...... you are kinda screwed up in the head and will have to eat some serious humble pie and tone down your expectations.
I am a very introverted, daydreamy person... and that is one of my biggest hangups I suppose. Some of my best friends have been imaginary, or I have projected imagination onto others sometimes, I guess.
Apparently I get that from some of my relatives, too. My mother, Grandmother to an extent, and at least one of my aunts have kinda... done this too. Not good at dealing with reality in at least some ways, even if functioning in the real world is possible when you need to, but otherwise... it's soooo much nicer just to dream and keep to your little private fantasies instead of having to deal with an icky world where everybody else has their own ideas of what should be what or have their own stuff going on, too.
So yes.... I will end this for now by fully acknowledging that I probably sound like a major child in some ways here, but... at least I am trying to be brutally honest, and it is helping me process through things and be openly honest. Maybe I can learn more about myself and find clarity in whatever it is I want or think I want in the process.
It.............. could very well be that somehow, one way or another, I am better off single anyway. Especially since one of my former friends once said that the only time I seem to think or talk about the idea of getting into a relationship is when I'm worried about my future financial security.
