Lonely... can anyone help?

[Lenoralana]

This is another post/thread where... I admittedly am not quite sure what I am looking for. TBH, I am not even sure what it is I want exactly. This may also end up becoming a post that is so diluted or convoluted that maybe... it will not even make sense to anyone by the time I'm done. I'm also a bit worried that this might end up becoming a post where other people might look at it and go, "Duh, THIS is what you're clearly saying..." or "I think I can sum up what you're saying with [...]"

But it could also be that is exactly what I'm looking for in a way. I'm looking for some help in processing my own thoughts and feelings, because for some reason... I seem to struggle in that area. One former friend once said that it seems like I don't really seem to think for myself, buuut... I dunno. Thing is, for whatever reason, my thoughts often end up a huge jumble to where... sometimes the only way I can sort through them is to talk about them somewhere... sometimes in this format.

It has also been suggested that I maybe try journaling... but I don't see the point in doing that. What's the point of doing something like that when only your eyes would ever see it? I guess I am looking for something. I'm just... still not sure what that is yet.

The fact is... I don't know anymore what it is I want, and it could very well be that I am just being a stubborn spoiled brat of sorts in some way. It could also be that I only want a certain kind of "candy" out of life and I am still somewhat bent out of shape that I'm not getting it.

Firstly... the thing is, I actually live a pretty boring life all things considered (or mellow, if boring isn't the right word). Thing is though... for the most part, I don't WANT anything else. At least... there are large areas where... I don't really think so? I am an introverted homebody with some depression, anxiety, and possibly OCD issues. I do things around the apartment for my family, including helping take care of a handicapped relative. I am constantly assured that my presence is useful and valuable, and while we aren't rich, I am pretty much spoiled. Within reason, I get what I want and there really isn't that much that I want anyway... not that you can get from a store anyway.

The problem is... as I grow older into my thirties, I feel more and more like that I don't know what to do with myself anymore or what will fulfill me. During my teens and twenties, I used to thrive on many things. Reading, watching shows, drawing, all kinds of craft work, writing, chattering and goofing around with friends... you name it.

Nowadays... it just seems like for the most part... there are many areas where I never really got what I wanted in my life (or at least thought I wanted...) and a lot of the things I used to do with buddies... have pretty much gone kaput. Writing doesn't appeal to me anymore. Neither does drawing. Crafting is still kinda fun, especially since I get some fulfillment out of making things to donate, but even that has soured somewhat. Especially since... I have been learning that, when you are generous (Especially in this day and age, it seems) people just tend to expect more. I had one person who kept asking me at least five times when I was gonna have the next batch of crafts ready, never asking me anything else, as if I was just his craft-making machine... which soured me against just putting my items in the free-for-all place anymore and I just plan to either keep it for myself now or donate directly to more reputable charities.

It also seems like I have lost nearly all of the friends who used to be very close... but in truth, in the long run I wanted most of them out of my life anyway, cuz it just wasn't working anymore and we've all changed too much and gone in different directions. But I find myself bitter, because I feel like I had some of the best friends in the world and we used to do so much together, but... now it's all gone. It's like my world is gone.

Not to mention... after so many crazy moves, well... at least I can say my hosuehold unit is happily settled in the midwest now, but I have no personal history out here since my ancestry is largely centered in the northeast... but it looks like I will probably never go back there and I doubt I'd have much to go back to anymore even if I could. But... I guess the biggest thing I miss from that area is being able to go to some places and say, "My mother grew up there" or "I remember seeing that place when I was six..."

Thing is... it just seems like many of the things I used to do... they do not interest or satisfy me anymore. Especially since I've reached the conclusion that none of it will pan out in the way I'd always hoped, and I'm not interested in making a career out of it anyway. I sometimes wonder if I have wasted a large portion of my life (Even if I'm nowhere near dead yet...) burning myself out on dumb stuff that is nothing but a memory or wasted time now.

I mean... I suppose I can console myself a little by saying that at least I didn't do dumb stuff like one of my aunts did when she was young, cuz she was a wild child who did drugs, booze, running away from home and got pregnant three times with three different men. Me, the most I can say I did was just act like an obnoxious person on the internet and make a lot of people upset with me because of my bratty, diva-ish attitude, attention-hogging nature and all-around-snobbery and short temper. Plus I talked about a lot of personal stuff online that I probably shouldn't have (even if I am kinda doing that here too, but I am trying to remain more reserved too.) Buuut... for the most part, I feel like I don't have much left to show for it now... except for a harddrive containing a lot of old pics, fanfics, RP remnants, and maybe a few other things... though much of it I've deleted at this point.

I feel empty, but I also don't want to fill my life with much of anything.... I no longer read books, though I do watch a lot of TV shows while working on some craft projects.

I want to save money, and I have started to do that a little... but I have no real goal to save for, except maybe a tentative future fund in case there is an emergency, which is perhaps important enough in of itself.

I find myself resenting my former friends, even some current ones, for moving on without me and for developing into different people with different lives that I can't follow... yet I'm also left feeling like I don't want to try and make new friends, because I don't like change and I'm not interested in new people at this point. I already had the best of the best, and they're gone now. It'll never be the same again and I'd rather be alone and cranky if that's what I'd like to be.

I would like to find my soulmate... and sometimes, as anyone does, I have urges that tell me I'd like to find someone nice and permanent to be physical with. But at the same time, I like my personal space and the idea of someone wanting to be in my space and cuddle with me (and do other things...) is rather appalling to me.

Honestly... i dunno if this is part of experiencing late adulthood, or... what. But... I just feel like....

Maybe I'm lamenting in a way just how easy it was when I was younger. Having been heavily sheltered, perhaps I did have an extended childhood. Perhaps I still am, even. But... when I was about 6-16, it seemed like the only things I needed to satisfy me for a long time was just a new toy or a new model for my collection or a new movie or game. From about 17-28 or so, the only things I needed was ANY kind of entertainment media to launch an interest in any fandom that had enough friendly people to do things with online... RPing, co-authoring fanfics, talking about characters and settings, doing fic/art trades, etc etc. That was enough to keep me busy and happy for months at a time.

These days... I go to a store, and while it is a nice change of scenery.... it's boring. It's lonely. It's unfulfilling. Nothing on the shelves appeal to me for the most part anymore, nothing satisfies.

Sometimes... I feel like, especially after everything I've been through, (especailly with having to become more grownup and responsible as my parents continue to age, their health has been declining a bit more, and I need to be responsible for my handicapped sibling too), it's like....

Maybe in some ways... part of me is still trying to hold onto childhood because I did for so long, (even when I am sometimes a snob when I feel like anyone in my household is being less mature than I am... or like to think I am) but... sometimes, it just feels like the child inside me has died in at least some ways, I no longer have some of the hopes or aspirations I had when I was a child, and... while I am a fairly responsible member of my household, I also feel like I wasted much of my youth and energy on fantasies and foolishness.

I just... I dunno what I want. I also fear for the future. In a way, I feel like I want a huge change, but I also don't want anything to change at all because there has been too much change and if anything, I'd like things to go back to the way they were when I was a kid... at least in some ways. But at the same time... I feel like I am chomping at the bits for some kind of change in my life, buuuut... the kicker is that I only want one specific thing. And I keep begging and pleading with God to let me have that one specific thing and nothing else, while also begging God to please let things stay as they are now or even revert back to the way they were 20 years ago somehow.

I guess... I was just wondering if anyone here who might be reading this could help me sort through all of this, if you could keep me in your prayers, and if you have any suggestions or if you could just... maybe even tell me something. Anything. I'd be welcome to anything, including relatable stories you guys might have, advice, thoughts about God and His will.

 

[cinder]

Made me think of something someone e-mailed me some 16 years ago or so. And not being able to find the e-mail again ( I did change e-mail accounts since then) I had to look it up on the internet. So I can't say this was exactly what I was e-mailed but it sure sounds the same so close enough. I found it helpful then (800 miles from home and family in a job with a bunch of co-workers who were men my dad's age) and I'm hoping it at least brings you the feeling of you're not alone in your struggles now:

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as
u. You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.

Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself..... And while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

 

[seoulsearch]

I want to save money, and I have started to do that a little... but I have no real goal to save for, except maybe a tentative future fund in case there is an emergency, which is perhaps important enough in of itself.

I find myself resenting my former friends, even some current ones, for moving on without me and for developing into different people with different lives that I can't follow... yet I'm also left feeling like I don't want to try and make new friends, because I don't like change and I'm not interested in new people at this point. I already had the best of the best, and they're gone now. It'll never be the same again and I'd rather be alone and cranky if that's what I'd like to be.

Honestly... i dunno if this is part of experiencing late adulthood, or... what. But... I just feel like....

Hi Lenoralana!

Your post has really gotten me thinking this morning, thank you for that. I had tried to keep up with your other thread as well, but I apologize in that I wasn't able to read everything you wrote, so I'm sorry if I'm missing some information. Feel free to correct me in anything I get wrong here.

You have shared so much I can relate to -- part of me wants to try to answer everything all at once -- but this segment in particular jumped out to me. I understand pondering what you've spent your life on and wondering if it's all wasted. I think we all go through this, at every stage of life. Unfortunately, I don't think the thoughts and feelings you're having ever really go away. I know people who are both younger and older than me and no matter what's going on in their life, they all ask the same things: "Is this all there is to life, this constant repetitive hamster wheel I'm on? What is my purpose? Have I just wasted my entire life? What should I be doing and in which direction should I be going?"

So I'm sad to say, I don't think what you're feeling will ever go away entirely, so please don't think there's something wrong with the way you think. I guess maybe God puts those feelings in us on purpose so that we will constantly seek Him in whatever we do, or contemplate doing?

But please don't think that everything is lost. It sounds like you've learned and have a good grip on a lot of important life lessons - for instance, you learned to recognize and say no to people who were using you (for your crafts, etc.) This is an extremely valuable skill that so often gets bypassed, but it will save a tremendous amount of heartache once engaged.

I'd like to encourage you to save money even if you don't have a specific goal. You never know what life will bring, whether an emergency or an opportunity. The two best examples I can give are when I took my car in for routine maintenance, expecting to pay a certain amount, but they found some other issues and it cost 3 times more. Thankfully, I was able to have the work done because, like you, I had been saving money, even without any particular goal.

Another time, a relative was studying in a place I had always wanted to see and asked if I'd like to visit. I was speechless at how it just came out of the blue, but was blessed to go because of savings. I was thinking about your other thread in which you said you had a strong desire to go to certain places -- you never know when a chance might be presented.

Lastly, I'd like to say that I can very much relate to you about people in our lives moving on and leaving us behind, and it hurts. I couldn't help but be struck by your comment about feeling resentful that they are changing into something we can no longer follow.

I can relate to the feeling of finding it very hard that God puts each of us on individual paths, and many times in life, those paths will diverge rather than continue to be laid out side-by-side, as they once were. I very much understand having "had the best" and thinking you don't want anyone else. But even as you see these former friends grow and change, I think it's important to remember something key from this thought: You "had" the best.

"Had" means that it was in the past, and that these friends were "the best" for the former stage of life that all of you were in. Just because they were the best friends you could have had during that time, doesn't mean they would still be the best friends you could have now, even if we were somehow able to bend and mold people to accommodate our own needs. I understand very well what it's like to live in memories and assume that the people who were with us then would be the "perfect" companions for us now, "if only" they would change enough to meet what we need right now.

But God has a path for them as well, and we can't force them to keep walking alongside our own path. God calls us to serve, and sometimes our most loving service to others will be in letting them go.

I fully understand moving, losing your roots, being unable to establish new ones, and not having any friends. I have not had any real-life friends in a very long time. I tried very hard in each location, but it was never anything more than casual conversations at work or after Sunday service at church. Every time I asked if people wanted to go to lunch, etc., everyone was too busy or uninterested, and I assume that it was because God knew He would be moving me again very soon. It's almost as if He's kept me from settling down anywhere.

However, God has also sustained me with both old friends from back home, and online friends I have made here. I know it's certainly not the same, and I often long to just go out to eat with someone or do SOMETHING that's live and in person. I don't care if the person is sitting on the other side of the room knitting or blasting aliens on a video game console, just having the live COMPANY would be nice. But with so many years passing, I've learned to accept that for now, this is how God is working in my life.

I do have some wonderful family members in close proximity, but I know you already know how that is. You can only talk to them about so much.

One of the things that landed on my heart to pray for you, if it's ok, is that God would bring you new opportunities to meet new people, and that He would open both your heart and theirs to getting to know each other. I admire you very much for all the work you do in serving your family. By chance, have you, or would you be interested in joining any online communities of other caretakers who support one another?

Or maybe just other people who are in relatable situations and have built a support network around it? (People who have moved around frequently, etc.) And of course, you might want to check out some of the online "groups" here. The Streams of Consciousness thread here in Singles used to be pretty regular; Blessed By God has a great chat thread also in Singles that is always very welcoming; and Speak Your Mind in the Bible Discussion Forum is a very friendly bunch whom I'm sure would welcome you with open arms. You could also just pick threads or even individual posts from people to reply and respond to, creating an interaction that will help ease some of the loneliness. I know it's not a cure-all for sure, and I am trying to learn to be content with these opportunities God provides me with.

I also like reading what people are up to in these threads because it gives my mind something else to latch on to other than the wrestling match I have with my own feelings. When I read about someone else's surgery or the things that they and their families are going through, it gives me time to focus on talking to God regarding other people, and reinforces my gratitude for all He's done in my life.

I also wanted to say that you most definitely have a knack for writing -- everything you write has a smooth and solid flow, even if to you, the topics seem to be all across the board (I'm the exact same way, if you can tell.) May I suggest that you keep writing threads here? And perhaps break them down into smaller topics that give a central focus for people to reply to when answering?

Something else that God seems to be leading me to do lately is to think about my life not just as a whole ("Have I wasted my youth?"), but in smaller chunks, such as, a few years at a time, or in sequences and events. For example, if you broke down each of your moves into a separate segment of your life, what things did you experience, learn, or accomplish during each part? I'm sure you'll find ways in which you have learned new life lessons and have grown during each stage.

I hope I don't sound like I'm somehow trying to direct what you "should" do at all; these are just some things God has led me to do that have really helped, and I've made some really good friends in the process, so I hope that maybe some of these things might work for you as well.

I wish you all the best, Lenoralana.

I really hope that maybe something that is said in answer to your posts will help you, and I will keep you in my prayers.

Please keep posting and let us know how it's going!

 

[Lanolin]

Just wondering lenora do you have a pet, though I suppose looking after someone whos handicapped occupies a lot of your time.

Do you have a garden where you are? Gardens are GREAT for homebodies. A lot of people dont really get into them until they reach their thirties bevause they move around so much. start with herbs maybe in pots cos they are easy. if you got land why not Plant a tree and watch it grow.

 

[Lanolin]

Good book for you...The secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett.

Dont worry you can still read childrens books. I wont bust you for not reading something more adult.

 

[Lenoralana]

First of all, thank you everyone who posted in this thread, you all have wonderful insights and every post has helped me in some way.

For the moment... the only thing I would like to touch base on is the segment of one post that stated that maybe I should look at each area of my past in a way that contemplates or acknowledges what I accomplished in each phase or chunk of my life. That is actually an interesting way to look at it.

And... I actually do find that I can see a lot of bright spots throughout the "ages", if I can put it that way (gosh that makes it sound like I'm talking about a thousand years or something... though sometimes it sorta feels like it lol) but anyway....

Well.. I'd say in the place I was living up until I was six or seven... it was simply okay because it's where I was born and I at least learned to talk (and all the other necessary things you learn when you're quite young) and I started to learn to write, etc etc. And in some ways.... even if my parents made a lot of mistakes, they were fixable mistakes and I'd have to say it was a nice era of my life, because I still remember those were the times when we got to do a lot more as a family... even if there was some dysfunction.

In the place I was living from 7-16, I at least had the time and space to learn at least some things and explore my own interests, within reason, and there were things I had to do around the farm life we had that helped me build up an excellent physical endurance in some ways. To this day, even if I don't necessarily LIKE it sometimes... I can totally walk a quarter mile and back from the post office without being very bothered by it.

In the place I was living 16-17... I ended up around people who ended up kinda showing me what a selfish brat I was, at least a tad, and... it was just a different life all around. I suppose I also learned a little about my dad's side of the family.

From 17-27... it was very emotionally grueling, I had to learn the hard way that my parents were not perfect, and I was confused and oversensitive due to how oversheltered I had been and I found I wasn't prepared at all to start living life the same way all my cousins were. But... it also does seem like God has been extremely faithful and given me a different person (or sometimes small group of people) for different seasons and phases of my life, and each and every one taught me something invaluable one way or another, and for the time that it was, they considered me highly valued and we did a lot of very fun things together.

Anyway... in the place where I am currently living, I'd actually have to say that I have had the most personal freedom, because my parents finally treat me as an equal/valued member of the household rather than something to regulate and assign things to, and best of all, they get along a lot better with each other and communicate a lot better overall.

Plus... this is the place where I've been able to do a lot of things I had been wanting to do, or at least try, for so many years. I got oral surgery I had been wanting and needing for years, free of charge no-less thanks to a once-a-year free dental clinic that literally just happened to be just down the street from my place. I got to try out school to see if I wanted to get a GED.... just to find it wasn't for me and what I'd need to do just to qualify was ridiculous, not to mention it would take me away from my responsibilities at home.

Point is though, I got to try.

I even tried a number of other things, now that I was/am finally in a place where I could get around on my own without my parents trying to stop me or regulate me. In some ways, I ended up becoming an official member of the Lutheran church for a little while (even being baptized).... but ultimately, I ended up formally leaving the church because I decided it wasn't for me. If anything, leaving the church felt best because being formally part of it was just being a hypocrite; I had joined it for the wrong reasons, more as a way to give the bird to my rigid, extremeist Baptist upbringing and as a "test" for my parent to see if they'd have a problem with it. When they didn't.... the rebellious emotions were cancelled out and I had no reason to remain.

Which I suppose is part of the reason why overprotective/oversheltering/somewhat controlling households are so harmful... if parents choose to raise their kids in that way, what they end up with is a young adult who goes through an extended phase of making decisions based on impulsive, rebellious emotion rather than anything else. But maybe... since that phase of my life seems to be about 95% over... maybe it means I can also start being less bull-headed and God can really use me in different ways now, I dunno.

I guess something major that has been really eating me these days is just... I guess part of me does keep whining and pouting because I sorta feel like, "God gave me all these wonderful people during the young phases of my life with memories I will treasure forever... so why in the world did He have to ultimately arrange things in a way that would let them grow/develop differently from me and take those people away from me?" Maybe in a way, I'm just not in a place yet where I am ready to stop being childishly pouty about it or move on from it yet.

But... I guess it really does say something if I can honestly say... if those people were magically dropped on my doorstep somehow... I wouldn't want them anymore as they are now. I'd want them back as they were years ago. But even if that could happen somehow... I dunno if it would work because even if THEY could magically become the same people they were years ago, I'm not the same person I was years ago, either.

I guess sometimes... I just can't help but feel a bit cheated and insulted somehow (even if that is childish...) because I once had a fair number of people who were interested in almost everything I said, would follow almost every word.... then they got bored with me and/or moved onto different things and different people and got more interested in them instead. And... again, even if it is childish, it also left me thinking and feeling like I wanted to do nothing but diss on whatever they were interested in that I wasn't interested in... because I couldn't understand why they would get so interested in that other thing to begin with. (Though... it could also be that if they were gonna wander off and do that... maybe they weren't the most compatible people with me in the first place, and maybe... we never truly knew each other all that well in the first place, and we weren't a good match because if we couldn't be supportive of one-another's interests and goals, that is just... not a good match.)

Anyway thanks guys, you have given me some things to think about. ^^

 

[cinder]

I guess something major that has been really eating me these days is just... I guess part of me does keep whining and pouting because I sorta feel like, "God gave me all these wonderful people during the young phases of my life with memories I will treasure forever... so why in the world did He have to ultimately arrange things in a way that would let them grow/develop differently from me and take those people away from me?" Maybe in a way, I'm just not in a place yet where I am ready to stop being childishly pouty about it or move on from it yet.

Remember that your current circumstances will not be your circumstances for the rest of your life (easy to get caught up in now and forget that always won't always be like now), and God has been known to sometimes change things pretty quick. At times like what you're describing I remind myself that God has (eventually) always brought a good friend into my life, even if only for a season; so I can be confident that another friend is on the way, I'm just in the in-between time right now.

 

[Magenta]

It has also been suggested that I maybe try journaling... but I don't see the point in doing that. What's the point of doing something like that when only your eyes would ever see it? I guess I am looking for something. I'm just... still not sure what that is yet.

Please excuse me for not reading your whole post (yet) and stopping here to comment.

I understand and can relate to your problem with processing your thoughts and feelings, for that is how I was in my youth and early adulthood. It was as if I was hidden from my own self; I was lost at the time and casting about searching for truth while also running away from directly facing things, and not speaking my own truths for fear of being judged, hurting other people's feelings, and not wanting to deal with any consequences. I felt caught in a type of Catch-22, and fell easily into alcohol abuse and drug addiction. Since you have a hard time knowing exactly what you think and how you feel, keeping a journal will help shed some light on this for you. It might feel awkward and phony at first, especially if you don't know what to write, and you may even experience some fear of someone else discovering your innermost thoughts which you would rather keep to yourself. Please don't let this stop you. Have you ever tried writing poetry about how you feel? Using imagery to describe feelings could also be very effective when it is difficult to put your finger on what exactly you want to say. In closing (for now) what most people really want is to be loved, but if you grew up in a household with poor role models for that, you are starting with a deficit there also, which can eventually be corrected. Writing about it will help Review your writing every so often...

 

[Magenta]

The problem is... as I grow older into my thirties, I feel more and more like that I don't know what to do with myself anymore or what will fulfill me. During my teens and twenties, I used to thrive on many things. Reading, watching shows, drawing, all kinds of craft work, writing, chattering and goofing around with friends... you name it.

This caught my attention as well Thirty is a sort of coming of age... do you remember (or did you ever hear) the saying: "Don't trust anyone over thirty!"? It was an adage in my youth I think the reason for this saying is the fact that at age thirty people do change, as they mature and take stock of their values and how they have been living their lives in relation to them. If you have not had or achieved many or any goals, or been living according to the dictates and desires of other people, approaching thirty will be more difficult, especially if you do not really know your own heart and mind. It is also a fairly well-known fact that it was around the age of thirty that Jesus took on the mantle of His earthly ministry. Not for nothing do they say that youth is wasted on the young, and it may not be true for you, but quite a few teens party or otherwise backslide all through their twenties. Taking stock of your life goals and priorities, values, and life style is something you will benefit from Baby steps may be recommended, especially if you are prone to depression

 

[Bingo]

"Boredom, with a lack of stimulation brings cause of an array of behavioral consequences.
Ponder this carefully, it's your life you are dealing with, take care of it!"

 

[Lenoralana]

Yeah... I guess youth is wasted on the young lol. They don't even know how much energy they had until after it begins to slip away....

I guess there have been a few more things I have been thinking about, on the topic of... well, how people change, and what happens when other people meet someone they want to marry eventually while you yourself remains single.

Like... one key thing I remember is that, years ago, I met a girl online and we basically became best buddies straight off the bat. We really loved and trusted each other more than anything, and we knew we had each other's back. I mean, we had the type of friendship where we'd even trust each other with the other's password and such. She would even know what I was thinking and feeling just the way I used certain punctuation marks when we were chatting.

But then... I guess life pretty much happened, cuz she got busier with school and she got more and more interested in her boyfriend. The first significant slightly partial drift I noticed in our friendship was the summer after she started to get close to her boyfriend (then did get married within a couple of years after that), was... well, originally, when both of us were close, she would always make sure I was the first to know what she was doing and if she wouldn't be online for a bit... I guess in a way, we were like internet roommates, since neither of us had anything going for us in our lives outside of the internet at that specific time.

Buuuut.... I simply remember, as she got busier and more interested in other things, she became oblivious to the subtle cues I was giving in my type-speech, and we'd keep having misunderstandings where she'd get mad at me for "not communicating" if I felt a certain way, and I'd keep getting mad at her for missing or having forgotten what my cues were... things she used to pick right up on immediately before.

It just... changes in some ways when you stop being the center of someone's world, I guess, but... maybe that is one of the differences of childhood friendships vs. more mature and adultish ones.

But the key thing was... when one weekend came where I said it didn't seem like she'd been around as much, and she simply said, "Oh, weekends are usually when I hang out with my boyfriend." And she left it at that, without any further explanation or description of what she was doing, etc etc... especially since, before that point, I'd always gotten the strong vibe that I was her favorite person to be around, and usually the only reason she was away was if she had something really pressing to do... like if her dad asked her to clean the house.

Admittedly, I got a bit cranky (unfairly so) that weekend when she wasn't really around much and didn't give much explanation... and she just acted very puzzled and maybe a bit slighted, like, "....I thought you understood that weekends are usually when I hang out with my boyfriend." :/ Which... even if I said nothing in response at the time... well, at that time, I thought she was being a bit idiotic, because she had missed all my cues that she would have previously picked up on like a beacon, and I sorta felt like, "If I had understood... would I be raising a stink about it?"

But again... all that was years ago, and it was pretty childish on my end.

Somehow though... I am reminded of a quote from the Facts of Life, in one episode where I think Tootie was throwing a fit because Natalie was spending more and more time with her new boyfriend and ignoring her... and one of the other girls was like, "You know how it is. Female friends are just there to hold the candle until the lights come on." Maybe in some ways, that's kinda what happened with me and my friend.

Plus... I can also see, logically, why some people would drift from me after a while. I'm not very interesting. And that's not me putting myself down, that's just me stating the honest truth, a fact. While she was really starting to go off and do indepth studies about Christian theology, Catholic doctrine and studies about how the body's reproductive system works to pursue her eventual goal of becoming a midwife... I was pretty much staying behind in my little world of talking about the same things over and over again, fandom-hopping, RPing and discussing whatever epiphanies I was having with anyone who would listen.

Which... also sorta leads me to another thought...

I remember this video I watched (look up Messy Mondays and you might find it on Youtube... I'm too lazy to look right now lol) that does talk about some worldly issues from a Christian POV. In one of their episodes, they had one part where a man was talking to Jesus, and the convo went something like this: (Paraphrasing, I don't remember much of it)

Man: Sorry I don't have time for anything I'm busy.

Jesus: Well you know, you prayed for this job and I got it for you... you could at least try to be a little nicer to your co-workers and represent me a bit better.

Man: *brushes of Jesus and answers cell phone* "WHAT?! I'm fired?!"

Jesus: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Which.... kinda makes me wonder if maybe there are many areas in life (not just jobs) where God could take something away. I mean... when it comes to friendships.... yeah there are many areas where people are meant to flow in their own direction, sometimes under the direction and guidance of God Himself. But... I dunno, maybe there are some areas where you might lose some people because you made some bad choices... or you lose a certain privileges you once had that made your life easier somehow (or at least richer) because you took it for granted or mistreated whoever was giving it to you... I dunno.

It also reminds me of something I was told once, which I think can apply at least somewhat to what I have been talking about... (ironically... it was told to me by the guy who married that former friend I mentioned above...) Something like, "God doesn't play nice. If you're not gonna do things according to his will, expect some friction."

So yeah.. just some things i was thinking about for now I guess.

 

[kinda]

This is another post/thread where... I admittedly am not quite sure what I am looking for. TBH, I am not even sure what it is I want exactly. This may also end up becoming a post that is so diluted or convoluted that maybe... it will not even make sense to anyone by the time I'm done. I'm also a bit worried that this might end up becoming a post where other people might look at it and go, "Duh, THIS is what you're clearly saying..." or "I think I can sum up what you're saying with [...]"

Everyone is suffering, look around.

Personally, I have been looking for the color of my parachute as well. I been praying plenty during this crazy times, especially yesterday. My answer finally came, it's just about execution now. It's time to test to see if it's God's will.


You AIN'T the only one. Why you tripping? -Steve Harvey


James 4
3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.


I watched this video about 5 times yesterday, it was a blessing.

 

[Lenoralana]

I just want you to know I did watch the entire video, and I'll probably listen to it again a little later because it sometimes takes me time to fully process and absorb things. ^^; But... overall, I did enjoy the message, especially the part that talk about how the reason why, sometimes, you go through things in life is because God is preparing you for it in some way... to strength you, or soften you, or maybe something else you need first.

I guess that is where the phrase "refined by fire" comes in.

And... I also noticed the part that said (as you said in your post) that maybe a reason why you aren't getting what you ask for is because you just want it for your own pleasures. I take that to mean... the important thing is for the individual to work out with God to discern which it is in any particular case.

On the one hand... I feel like I simply cannot give up on the notion of Norway because... well, it's difficult to explain without going into extreme detail about some things I'm not prepared to talk about here, (even if I indicated SOME of it in my other thread) but... suffice it to say, it just seems like EVERY SINGLE OTHER place I have ever wanted to go... I ended up going there, even if I had to wait for what seemed like an eternity first. Every single thing I wanted... for the most part, I've ended up getting it for the most part.

The truth is... I am definitely no stranger to waiting. I had to wait almost ten years until God finally got circumstances to work out so I could end up moving to the one state I'd always wanted to move to... and after that, even if I went through some of the worst times of my life while living there, I also got a LOT of the things I had begged God for.

And eventually, He answered my prayers about letting me move from there to another place... and again, a lot of things were horrendous, but throughout various turmoil I also got another series of things I had always wanted for a long, long time.

And now, where I am living now... I have gotten another set of things I had been wanting for a long time, almost like God laid it out for me on a gold platter.

But now... I just keep feeling the same thing I have felt a few years before ANY of my previous moves... I am sick of this place. I am still doing SOME things here, but I also can't help but feel like my time here is slowly drying up. And it feels like there is getting to be less and less to do here, less and less I am interested in, and I'm getting more and more ready for whatever the next thing is... even if at the same time, I don't want it to come too fast or too suddenly if it can be helped.

It's just.... I feel in my heart that Norway might have SOMETHING to do with my future, even if it makes absolutely no sense now and it doesn't even make any sense to one of my best Christian friends. There was simply a few things that happened a few years ago that spoke deeply to my heart and soul like, "This is it. Even if you have to wait until you're 40, 50, or even in your 60's for this to happen... it's gonna happen eventually."

My friend said that it is most likely just my OCD that is making me think it is God's will, but... I still don't know. How else do you explain the fact that every single other place or thing I've really, really wanted I have always gotten? It has simply had a way of working out. Plus... I am still not kidding, EVERY SINGLE TIME I start to think I can get to a place and mental state where I can forget about Norway, SOMETHING keeps happening that drags me back. Every. Single. Time. Without fail.

Like... Just a couple of days ago, I yet again convinced myself to try and forget it, and I pretty much convinced myself it's a loony bin idea that is never gonna happen, I am needed exactly where I am, it's prolly not God's will anyway.... and a TV show episode I ended up watching that normally has NOTHING to do with Norway featured a main character falling in love with a girl who was half Norwegian, who also had an old diary from her dad about what it was like to live in Norway.

To me, that NEEDS to mean something. How can you dismiss it, when this keeps happening not once, not twice, but at least DOZENS of times, if not close to a hundred, ever since I first got enamoured with the idea of going to Norway?

Maybe though.... this is just one of those things where I can't discuss it with friends because... well, it makes no sense to them (rightfully so) and it's not their life or their future anyway. Maybe... it is something that God wants me to discuss more directly with Him, instead of trying to filter it through other people's views or talk myself out of it altogether, I dunno.

And... I know there are no prophets or oracles here, so none of you guys can really tell me anything definitely one way or the other, either. ^^;

But... one thing that DOES encourage me about this forum place is that it does seem like there are people here who legitimately believe in God and what faith can do. That is refreshing, especially since I've known too many people who have wandered away from the faith, or they just... have different viewpoints that make me question my own faith or life too much so it's more toxic than anything.

Which hurts when some of them used to have views or faith that was more similar to mine.

Anyway... I guess all I can say for now at the end of this post is.... if God DOES intend for me to go to Norway oneday... it's probably stupid for me to waste the time up until that point doing nothing but angsting over how I can't go there yet or being impatient. God has already worked out many things in my life, and He still has me where I am for a very good reason.

 

[wisebeardman]

How else do you explain the fact that every single other place or thing I've really, really wanted I have always gotten? It has simply had a way of working out.

Simple, you made it happen.

 

[Lenoralana]

Simple, you made it happen.

Well... sometimes, perhaps, because there are some areas where I stubbornly and actively went after what I wanted until I could get it or until I found someone who could help provide it... and who ended up caring enough to want to do some things with me.

As for other areas though... they DID just end up kinda happening... and not because I did any initiating at all, but because I was just tagging along with a family member.

Sometimes, I'm just... still not quite sure how God works. Sometimes, I did have to actively pursue at least something to get what I wanted. Other times, it just sorta fell in my lap. But... I suppose a lot of things do require at least some initiation.

 

[wisebeardman]

Well... sometimes, perhaps, because there are some areas where I stubbornly and actively went after what I wanted until I could get it or until I found someone who could help provide it... and who ended up caring enough to want to do some things with me.

As for other areas though... they DID just end up kinda happening... and not because I did any initiating at all, but because I was just tagging along with a family member.

Sometimes, I'm just... still not quite sure how God works. Sometimes, I did have to actively pursue at least something to get what I wanted. Other times, it just sorta fell in my lap. But... I suppose a lot of things do require at least some initiation.

when it falls into lap, its just right time right place. all else is you made it happen.
If you want to move to Indiana, you don't just sit in Florida wishing to move you only get to move when you make it happen, and sometimes it falls in lap like a job offer where they pay relocation.

 

[Lenoralana]

when it falls into lap, its just right time right place. all else is you made it happen.
If you want to move to Indiana, you don't just sit in Florida wishing to move you only get to move when you make it happen, and sometimes it falls in lap like a job offer where they pay relocation.

Soooo.... I will admit, over the last couple of days, I have been mulling over the topic of basically how "you need some form of initiation for something to happen", and... maybe in some ways, it has helped me more than you know.

Firstly, one thing I ended up remembering after thinking for a while, was how when I was a kid (when my family had a small farm), I wanted a goat so badly. I prayed and prayed for one. Eventually, Dad took me out to get a couple of young ones from a goat breeder, and we took care of them the best we could.

Years later, when I was in my late teens or early twenties, and it felt like I kept praying for certain things and I wasn't getting what I wanted, I asked one of my Christian friends why I wasn't getting some things. He basically did say that prayer works, but it also requires some kind of initiation on your end. So I told him about what I just said above, and I was like, "In that case, I prayed for goats and I got goats. Where was the initiation?" And my friend was like, "You asked your Dad."

In the example you mentioned there... well, a couple of ways that a person can end up relocating is either because they make the plans and take the proper actions to make it possible to move, or maybe there is someone on the other end who is making it possible and all you need to do is accept and go. Either way... it's not just magic or God snapping His fingers and transporting you somewhere.

I guess maybe.... sometimes it's more fun or easier to want to believe that things in life will be like when God told Abraham basically "Just pack up and go here". I think sometimes... it's easy for anyone to get a bit starry-eyed about some of the things that happened to people of the Bible, and to sit around waiting for our lives to start mirroring our biblical heroes or to wait for a specific kind of miracle to happen while ignoring the everyday blessings we have around us now.

I guess there are a lot of things in the world that require at least SOMETHING from your end if you really want to make it happen. And I think my biggest problems and hangups are that 1: I have been told I can get pretty wishy-washy about things and I can even change my mind frequently. And 2: I get very, very daydreamy and starry-eyed, and I'm sometimes quick to bail or lose heart if the reality or consequences aren't living up to how I'd pictured things in my head.

But.... while I have been getting better over the years and I have developed at least some fortitude, there was a lengthy period of my life where I cracked very easily under pressure... I think part of that also had to do with my undiagnosed mental issues.

So in the end... well, I have also talked with a couple of close friends about some of the things I have discussed in these threads, and... in conclusion, well....

My desire to move to a specific country is probably just a self-over-hyped schoolgirl fantasy. Plus... maybe when you started desiring something very strongly (particularly when you had nothing else going for you in life, and this one thing--this one DREAM--was like a lifeline you got attached to)... well, when the desire/dream has been going on strong for several years, even if it had no basis in reality.... it's hard to let it go, even when your life does get better and you have more going for you and better things to fill your time, mind and heart with.

The fact of the matter is... I have no connection to Norway whatsoever except for one former friend whom I did not part company on good terms with. That, and a starry-eyed dream that Norway is similar to my childhood home in some ways. Since I have no family in Norway or any sort of other connection... if I REALLY wanted to go there, it would require me getting there in a way that has nothing to do with the former friend... and if what I really want to do is hang out with him for at least a couple of days, the entire thing would be a waste anyway.

I've already done enough research to know that if I really want to go there for ANY reason, I'd have to save up a LOT of money, get a passport, and it would also be very tricky because there is someone I am partially responsible for looking after and I'd rather not take him with me. (Plus right now anyway, I'd probably have to wait until the pandemic is over...)

If I seriously wanted to consider MOVING there for good... it would require a lot of hard work and hope that I could stay there and meet all the requirements, not to mention I'd need to get a job. Since I have no interest in going there as a student or getting a job, I'm not even all that interested in learning Norwegian... it would be moot.

That seems to be another problem I have in regards to my starry-eyed nature. For much of my life, it has been easy for me to get fascinated with things... but especially as I get older, I find that even if I do end up getting what I want, I tend to get bored with it after a few minutes... then again, I suppose I've always been that way to some degree. There are some areas where I'm not interested in putting hard work into something, I just kinda want it given to me or I want it to work out by magic, and then I'm disappointed and lose interest when it doesn't give me whatever it is I thought I wanted.

Which could mean that I never exactly wanted it in the first place... I just wanted fantasy fulfillment. Or maybe I still haven't quite outgrown the childlish notion where your imagination (And what you THINK you want) does one thing, but reality and what you actually need is quite another thing.

 

[Lanolin]

sorry whats actually in Norway that you wanna go so badly again?
How about reading some books about Norway by Norweijan writers. or by People who HAVe travelled there.

If its the land of Frozen, just watched Frozen....

The only thing I can think of thats in Norway thats really important that I know of is the Global seedbank in Svalsbard. Its there because basically its really cold. lol

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig is about a 30 year old woman who badly wanted to go to Norway but instead was stuck in small town UK. And maybe thinking of killing herself. But no it gets better. Wont spoil it for you.

 

[Lanolin]

Theres a song in Frozen that will just do your head in

Let it go...

 

[Lenoralana]

sorry whats actually in Norway that you wanna go so badly again?
How about reading some books about Norway by Norweijan writers. or by People who HAVe travelled there.

If its the land of Frozen, just watched Frozen....

The only thing I can think of thats in Norway thats really important that I know of is the Global seedbank in Svalsbard. Its there because basically its really cold. lol

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig is about a 30 year old woman who badly wanted to go to Norway but instead was stuck in small town UK. And maybe thinking of killing herself. But no it gets better. Wont spoil it for you.

Alright well... there is something far deeper and more personal that I would rather not blab about in a public forum. There is a part of me that WOULD like to hear a completely objective opinion/viewpoint, so... if you don't mind me telling you the whole story in a private message, and keep the matter completely confidential there..... I wouldn't mind discussing the more embarrassing, private details with you.

If you say yes... be prepared for quite a detailed overview, lol. Its up to you though, if you'd rather not, just ignore this post or say no. No hard feelings either way, it's entirely up to you.