Porn Addiction/Marriage "Arrangement"

[TheIndianGirl]

I know of several husbands who have porn addiction through word of mouth/talking. Here is the common scenario: the husbands started looking at porn/magazines since they were 12 and now they are in their 60s or 70s. The wives are around the same age, and do not care if the husbands look at porn (note they would obviously prefer a husband who doesn't look at porn, but ultimately say they are glad their husbands don't bother them in this department).

What should be done in this scenario?

The husbands are not getting their "needs" met, so they are turning to porn. Before you blame the wives, HERE IS THE THING. The husbands love their wives/family but no longer find their wives attractive in a sexual way; they are not having affairs. The women have commented that the husbands only find younger/fertile age women attractive. As a result, the women do not want to have sexual relations with the husbands (and neither the husbands with the wives).

As a wife, you are faced with two options:
1) Have sex with your husband who doesn't find you too attractive in a sexual way, which is emotionally/mentally degrading/harmful
2) Let him continue looking at porn

I do think if the wife is not having sex with the husband, she cannot tell her husband to stop looking at porn though.

Any thoughts?

 

[GardenofWeeden]

I guess a better question would be should these women ask their husbands to stop cheating on them, or just accept it?

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I guess a better question would be should these women ask their husbands to stop cheating on them, or just accept it?

I agree what the husband is doing is wrong, but how else is he going to get his "needs" met since he no longer views his wife in a sexual way. He might try repenting by stopping porn and sleeping with wife, but it will be awkward at best for both. It would be torture for the wife to sleep with the husband, knowing how he feels.

 

[seoulsearch]

I agree what the husband is doing is wrong, but how else is he going to get his "needs" met since he no longer views his wife in a sexual way. He might try repenting by stopping porn and sleeping with wife, but it will be awkward at best for both. It would be torture for the wife to sleep with the husband, knowing how he feels.

Hey The Indian Girl,

I love that you ask the tough questions that people are afraid to ask, but yet many are struggling with. Kudos to you!

I have often wondered why God created sex for most people as a "drive" that feels like a "need", especially in a culture where temptation is literally everywhere, and yet, for the most part, we are told that as Christians we have to learn to squelch and bury it.

I have often asked God if this is what He really intended when He created sex, because it almost seems like one of the major keys to the Christian life is learning how to completely shut down and ignore one's sex drive.

As struggling singles, we are always given the most infamous passage in the Bible regarding single sexuality -- 1 Corinthians 7:9 - "for it is better to marry than to burn with passion" -- but my counter question would be, "So what happens to all the people who DID get married... and are STILL burning with passion?" And no one seems to want to answer.

I agree with you that I think the scenario you've described is all too common, sometimes especially in Christian marriages, because people are shamed for talking about their personal issues, and no one has any real solutions.

I certainly can't offer any good answers. I've often wondered if sexuality is God's ultimate test of self-control to humanity, because as much as we singles are told that the answer to sexuality is to get married (as if marriage is a bag of chips you can just go and pick up at the grocery store any time you want,) how many married people are really happy with their sex lives?

I would love to do a series of polls asking these types of questions but never have out of respect for the site, because I know it would somehow have to be presented in a way that was safe for even children to read.

In the situation you presented, neither spouse is getting their needs met and it might very well be that both would still like to have sex, just not with each other. Both parties might find the idea of sex with each other to be undesirable, because neither is attracted to the other any more. Both men and women's bodies change over time, and as a single woman engulfed within the shark tank of the dating pool, one of my biggest turnoffs is someone who demands a slim, physically fit partner, but yet does not meet that demand themselves.

It also makes me think about all the times in the Singles Forum in which people say they could never marry someone they aren't attracted to. I certainly understand that -- but what happens if one or both partners lose their attractiveness over time? And seems like the good Christian answer is, too bad, so sad, just tough it out until you die, because that's what it means to be a real Christian.

But that doesn't stop people, because, as you are aptly pointing out, it just means that they look for an escape -- often through the images they seek out, and the fantasies about them that they create in their own heads.

I don't mean to sound like the bearer of doom and gloom, but I have often wondered if these situations are the ultimate test of faith, because I don't know what either person could really do. Even if the husband stops looking at porn, if he's already addicted, just walking down the street (seeing young women in yoga pants) or watching TV (even if all he did was watch the ads, which are sometimes even worse than the shows,) would be enough to inflame his thoughts.

So how would the husband lock himself away from the world in order to try to be "cured"? I've read testimonies of God setting people free from porn addictions, but I would guess that this is a very rare exception and unfortunately, not the norm (I would love it if I were wrong though, so if people have statistics proving otherwise, I hope they will post them.)

I have a lot of compassion for married couples stuck in this dilemma, because neither one is getting their "needs" met, whether for sex, love, intimacy, or all of the above, and yet, they have made a life-long commitment before God that they will only seek out each as human sources to meet those needs, so it must feel like a dead end.

This is why I often wonder if God's real challenge regarding sexuality is to learn to live a life of denial and deprivation, no matter what situation you're in, because at some point, even most married people can't/won't be able to have sex, whether by choice or due to life circumstances (pregnancy, illness, no interest in or from their spouse, and finally, the passing of their spouse from this life into the next, etc.) Anyone hoping for some kind of 24/7 sex buffet within marriage is going to be left deeply disappointed, and bitter that "their needs aren't being met."

I'm guessing that the good Christian answer is that both the husband and the wife must give up what each one believes they "need" -- and put the other person first, asking, "What does my spouse need or want, and how can I serve him or her?" then following through, whether they want to or not, rather than always thinking, "What do I need or want, just for myself, and how can my spouse meet my needs?"

After all, I think this is what marriage really is, and, being human, we all miss the mark. Marriage is really making a promise to God that you are going to do your very best to love, serve, honor, and meet this person's needs to the best of your abilities for the rest of your life, with only death breaking this commitment. Ideally, both people are supposed to be thinking of and serving each other before themselves.

But in all honesty, I highly doubt that this is done in many cases (whether by the husband or the wife or both,) which leaves so many Christian couples suffering in silence, with no real changes, and I have to wonder if this is part of the suffering that God says some of us will have to endure in this life.

 

[Live4Him]

I know of several husbands who have porn addiction through word of mouth/talking. Here is the common scenario: the husbands started looking at porn/magazines since they were 12 and now they are in their 60s or 70s. The wives are around the same age, and do not care if the husbands look at porn (note they would obviously prefer a husband who doesn't look at porn, but ultimately say they are glad their husbands don't bother them in this department).

What should be done in this scenario?

The husbands are not getting their "needs" met, so they are turning to porn. Before you blame the wives, HERE IS THE THING. The husbands love their wives/family but no longer find their wives attractive in a sexual way; they are not having affairs. The women have commented that the husbands only find younger/fertile age women attractive. As a result, the women do not want to have sexual relations with the husbands (and neither the husbands with the wives).

As a wife, you are faced with two options:
1) Have sex with your husband who doesn't find you too attractive in a sexual way, which is emotionally/mentally degrading/harmful
2) Let him continue looking at porn

I do think if the wife is not having sex with the husband, she cannot tell her husband to stop looking at porn though.

Any thoughts?

Well, seeing how your OP hit so close to home, I'll honestly chime in.

For starters, I am a 59 year old man who started looking at porn when I was 12 years old, so I closely match the description that you gave in your OP. In my particular case, I was the 8th out of 9 children, and one of my older brothers moved out when I was 12 years old. One day, while rummaging around in my basement, I found a box of items that he had left behind, and in it was a Playboy magazine that I opened and looked at. For me, that was the introductory entrance into a world of pornography which lasted for many years thereafter.

In hindsight, which they say is 20/20, I am beyond totally convinced that a demon entered into me at that time which sought to fulfill its own lusts or desires through my members which I had yielded to it.

For example, we read:

Romans chapter 6

[12] Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.
[13] Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God.
[14] For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.
[15] What then? shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid.
[16] Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?
[17] But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you.
[18] Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.
[19] I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness.
[20] For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness.
[21] What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death.

In my case, although unknowingly at the time, I had definitely "yielded my members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin", or "yielded my members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity", and I had become "the servant of sin" because "to whom we yield ourselves servants to obey, his servants we are to whom we obey".

Satan and demons have "lusts" or desires, and if we yield ourselves to either, whether knowingly or unknowingly, then they will drive us to fulfill their own "lusts" or desires through our members.

For example, in relation to Satan, and those who had become his servants, Jesus said:

John chapter 8

[39] They answered and said unto him, Abraham is our father. Jesus saith unto them, If ye were Abraham's children, ye would do the works of Abraham.
[40] But now ye seek to kill me, a man that hath told you the truth, which I have heard of God: this did not Abraham.
[41] Ye do the deeds of your father. Then said they to him, We be not born of fornication; we have one Father, even God.
[42] Jesus said unto them, If God were your Father, ye would love me: for I proceeded forth and came from God; neither came I of myself, but he sent me.
[43] Why do ye not understand my speech? even because ye cannot hear my word.
[44] Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.
[45] And because I tell you the truth, ye believe me not.
[46] Which of you convinceth me of sin? And if I say the truth, why do ye not believe me?
[47] He that is of God heareth God's words: ye therefore hear them not, because ye are not of God.

Jesus told these non-believing Jews of his day that they were "doing the deeds of their father" or that "the lusts of your father you will do". In other words, seeing how Satan "was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him", his spiritual children were "doing his deeds" or "lusts" in that they likewise sought to murder Jesus while rejecting the truth in place of lies.

In more direct relation to sexual "lusts" or desires, we read:

Genesis chapter 6

[1] And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,
[2] That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.

Although there's been endless debate as to who these "sons of God" were, they're clearly identified as angelic or spirit beings throughout the Old Testament. My point is that these spirit beings had desires or lusts for "fair", or good-looking, or beautiful women, and if a man (or woman) yields his members to spirit beings with lusts of their own, then those spirit beings are going to drive him to fulfill their lusts through his members until the time comes that the man repents of yielding to them through his sin, and truly gets delivered from them.

In my particular case, my porn addiction, which began at age 12, grew incrementally by leaps and bounds as I looked at more and more pornography which created a tremendous spiritual stronghold (II Cor. 10:4-5) within me up until the time that I got saved shortly before my 27th birthday. Even after getting saved, I was still having problems with sexual lust, even though I now despised the same. My eyes were oftentimes riveted to look at women's bodies in a lustful manner, and I couldn't stop doing it no matter how much I renewed my mind by God's word or prayed. My deliverance came when God began to show me the things which I've been describing here. When I finally confessed my past sexual sins, renounced any allegiance to these demonic forces which I had yielded my members to (even though it was unknowingly at that time), and took authority over these demons in Jesus Christ's name, I was LITERALLY delivered from the demonic powers which were WITHIN ME at that time, and I was set free. No longer was I driven to lust because the spirits who were fulfilling their own lusts through my members were no longer inside of me.

As Jesus said:

John chapter 8

[31] Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;
[32] And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
[33] They answered him, We be Abraham's seed, and were never in bondage to any man: how sayest thou, Ye shall be made free?
[34] Jesus answered them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin.
[35] And the servant abideth not in the house for ever: but the Son abideth ever.
[36] If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.

Whereas I had once been "the servant of sin", Jesus set me "free indeed".

(continued in my next post)

 

[Live4Him]

(continued from my last post)


There is a world of difference between demonically-inspired lust and love.

Whereas I once saw women as merely objects of my own selfish, carnal desires, I began to see them in a totally different light after my deliverance came.

Ironically, my wife divorced me a few years back after cheating on me sexually with different men. Presently, I don't know if I can ever even get married again in God's sight as long as she is alive, and, to be totally honest, the possibility of sexual intercourse is NOT what I miss the most.

Instead, what I truly miss greatly is the opportunity to possibly bond with a woman spiritually and emotionally in all aspects of life...whether that be through simple things like reading God's word together, praying together, cooking together, shopping together, baring our hearts to each other, or simply holding each other's hands. These types of spiritual and emotional bonds are the things which should lead to the next stage of bonding or to sexual intimacy where two people give themselves fully to one another or spiritually, emotionally, and physically. If a man (or woman) doesn't care about his spouse's spiritual and emotional condition, but only selfishly lusts after her in a physical manner, then, in my estimation, he's no better than a dog in heat that is looking for someone's leg to hump. I'm sorry to have to use such graphic language, but that's truly how I see it, and I believe that God sees it that way as well.

Hopefully, you can apply what I said here to your own questions and draw your own conclusions.

Just my honest two cents worth in the sight of both God and man.

 

[Lanolin]

they could pray for deliverance for their husbands Im supposing.

It is very unnerving to be the object of lust. You never feel as if the opposite sex (or even same sex, porn dont discriminate) sees the real you, they only see your body, and want to be able to do with it what they want. Its abusive and manipulative.

 

[Genipher]

While you can't control what another person does, to "let" him look at porn isn't an answer. A man who looks lustfully at a woman has committed adultery. Why would we encourage someone to sin like that?

"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." --Matthew 5:28

If a man is willing, he could get accountability from another godly man.
Remove the sources of temptation, if needed.

I remember reading a story from Michael and Debi Pearl that was sent in by one of their readers. A man had been closing himself off to look at porn. He was locking the door to his home office and had turned his computer in a fashion that anyone looking past the door couldn't immediately see what he was doing. He was super sneaky about it. So the wife went in while he was at work (she wasn't sure what was going on, but she had suspicions) and opened the window blinds just a little. That night, after the kids were in bed, she snuck outside and peeked through the opening she had made and saw what he was doing. She screamed, lifted a rock, and smashed their window. While he ran out to see what was going on, she ran in with another rock and smashed the computer.

Might seem extreme, but he later said the fear of God flooded through him when that first rock went through the window.

Anyway, better to cut off the thing that's causing us to sin, even if it means you can't have a computer or a smart phone, etc.

 

[Genipher]

they could pray for deliverance for their husbands Im supposing.

It is very unnerving to be the object of lust. You never feel as if the opposite sex (or even same sex, porn dont discriminate) sees the real you, they only see your body, and want to be able to do with it what they want. Its abusive and manipulative.

Well, depends. I don't mind at all that my husband looks at me with lust.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

Might seem extreme, but he later said the fear of God flooded through him when that first rock went through the window.

I think a person will only stop looking at porn through fear of God or another type of big fear (to a lesser degree, fear of divorce, etc.). However, if a person has no fear, the behavior may not change. Some men may just get very angry if the wife smashed the computer.

 

[Lanolin]

Well, depends. I don't mind at all that my husband looks at me with lust.

oh ok
after he has had you does he cast you aside! I dunno. Maybe it takes two to tango and you just do the same to him.

Id be like ok heres the baby.

 

[Lanolin]

I think a person will only stop looking at porn through fear of God or another type of big fear (to a lesser degree, fear of divorce, etc.). However, if a person has no fear, the behavior may not change. Some men may just get very angry if the wife smashed the computer.

or they go to jail if they are looking at underage porn.
incest happens a lot in families that sleep together. the worst is when nothing is done about it.

 

[EternalFire]

I know of several husbands who have porn addiction through word of mouth/talking. Here is the common scenario: the husbands started looking at porn/magazines since they were 12 and now they are in their 60s or 70s. The wives are around the same age, and do not care if the husbands look at porn (note they would obviously prefer a husband who doesn't look at porn, but ultimately say they are glad their husbands don't bother them in this department).

What should be done in this scenario?

The husbands are not getting their "needs" met, so they are turning to porn. Before you blame the wives, HERE IS THE THING. The husbands love their wives/family but no longer find their wives attractive in a sexual way; they are not having affairs. The women have commented that the husbands only find younger/fertile age women attractive. As a result, the women do not want to have sexual relations with the husbands (and neither the husbands with the wives).

As a wife, you are faced with two options:
1) Have sex with your husband who doesn't find you too attractive in a sexual way, which is emotionally/mentally degrading/harmful
2) Let him continue looking at porn

I do think if the wife is not having sex with the husband, she cannot tell her husband to stop looking at porn though.

Any thoughts?

This is pure evil and utterly pathetic in so many ways. Tell the men to pick up their cross instead of porn. May they be handed over to Satan for the destruction of their flesh (1 Corinthians, Chapter 5).

 

[PennEd]

I think a lot of women don’t understand this issue as it regards to men.

Even if the wife was young and beautiful, those addicted to porn would still be viewing it.

This is NOT the wife’s fault in any way. I would say even if the wife deprived the husband of sex. Although she shouldn’t.

This is truly a brain chemical and spiritual issue.

Temptation avoidance certainly has its place, but I don’t think it’s close to the answer.
We can hardly claim to have freedom in Christ if we are so focused on averting our eyes at a beach, on a tv show, or even at Church, and a thousand other places.

First, there needs to be a recognition that the flesh wars against the Spirit. Our flesh has died and been crucified in Christ, but it constantly tries to convince us it’s alive.

So I find it incredibly damaging for a husband to engage in porn, and a wife to be ok, or even tolerate it.

Inflaming the passions of the flesh by design is the exact opposite of what a Christian should do. Again I’m not talking about everyday life encounters with women, be they in bikinis or burqas, and everything in between. I’m talking about actively seeking naked women and people having sex.

Understand there is NO bottom in trying to satisfy that lust.

Walk in the Spirit and remind your flesh you are a new creation and IT is dead, with no power over you.

 

[oldman]

"Understand there is NO bottom in trying to satisfy that lust."

Amen PennEd

 

[JesusLives]

I know of several husbands who have porn addiction through word of mouth/talking. Here is the common scenario: the husbands started looking at porn/magazines since they were 12 and now they are in their 60s or 70s. The wives are around the same age, and do not care if the husbands look at porn (note they would obviously prefer a husband who doesn't look at porn, but ultimately say they are glad their husbands don't bother them in this department).

What should be done in this scenario?

The husbands are not getting their "needs" met, so they are turning to porn. Before you blame the wives, HERE IS THE THING. The husbands love their wives/family but no longer find their wives attractive in a sexual way; they are not having affairs. The women have commented that the husbands only find younger/fertile age women attractive. As a result, the women do not want to have sexual relations with the husbands (and neither the husbands with the wives).

As a wife, you are faced with two options:
1) Have sex with your husband who doesn't find you too attractive in a sexual way, which is emotionally/mentally degrading/harmful
2) Let him continue looking at porn

I do think if the wife is not having sex with the husband, she cannot tell her husband to stop looking at porn though.

Any thoughts?

My question is if these guys were looking at porn since the age of 12 - Why does that make it the wife's fault? They had the problem long before they could get sick of their wives....

I would think looking at any porn at any age would be a sin in that if you look at a person in a desired way it is like you already had the sex... Equals sin... Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

If husband is looking at porn how is the wife getting her needs met?

No, it's not o.k. to let your husband continue to look at porn. Why would you want to promote him to continue to sin?

When you marry you do so for better or worse in good looks - hard bodies and old bodies that sag etc... loving someone should be unconditional the scenario you have provided is very conditional.

 

[tourist]

My question is if these guys were looking at porn since the age of 12 - Why does that make it the wife's fault? They had the problem long before they could get sick of their wives....

I would think looking at any porn at any age would be a sin in that if you look at a person in a desired way it is like you already had the sex... Equals sin... Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

If husband is looking at porn how is the wife getting her needs met?

No, it's not o.k. to let your husband continue to look at porn. Why would you want to promote him to continue to sin?

When you marry you do so for better or worse in good looks - hard bodies and old bodies that sag etc... loving someone should be unconditional the scenario you have provided is very conditional.

I have an old body but I'm not just anybody...

 

[TheIndianGirl]

People already know that porn is wrong which is why they generally watch this in secret and do not tell their families. They usually give themselves away through unusual behavior, displaying new tricks in the bedroom, forgetting to delete the History on the family computer, etc. In many cases there is not much a wife can do except pray. How it begins is mothers usually find their boys looking at porn, and the boys grow very defiant. This type of defiant reaction continues with the wives. Ultimatums don't work, even threats of hell. The husbands themselves will need to want to change, like alcoholism or any other bad behavior. If a wife has a very timid and/or submissive personality, and/or if the husband is frightening for example, there is not much a wife can do. Even more so, if a wife is entirely dependent on the husband, she is powerless.

 

[tourist]

I know of several husbands who have porn addiction through word of mouth/talking. Here is the common scenario: the husbands started looking at porn/magazines since they were 12 and now they are in their 60s or 70s. The wives are around the same age, and do not care if the husbands look at porn (note they would obviously prefer a husband who doesn't look at porn, but ultimately say they are glad their husbands don't bother them in this department).

What should be done in this scenario?

The husbands are not getting their "needs" met, so they are turning to porn. Before you blame the wives, HERE IS THE THING. The husbands love their wives/family but no longer find their wives attractive in a sexual way; they are not having affairs. The women have commented that the husbands only find younger/fertile age women attractive. As a result, the women do not want to have sexual relations with the husbands (and neither the husbands with the wives).

As a wife, you are faced with two options:
1) Have sex with your husband who doesn't find you too attractive in a sexual way, which is emotionally/mentally degrading/harmful
2) Let him continue looking at porn

I do think if the wife is not having sex with the husband, she cannot tell her husband to stop looking at porn though.

Any thoughts?

Regarding the options, why should a wife stay in a marriage when her husband makes her emotionally and mentally degraded? So I would say that takes option 1) off the table. Now, option 2) is definitely harmful so that's off the table too. I would go with option 3) which you haven't listed and that is, early on in the marriage the wife discusses this with her husband. If her husband doesn't see the harm that it is causing or doesn't care, the wife should go to option 4).

 

[tourist]

... or another type of big fear (to a lesser degree, fear of divorce, etc.

Option 4) in post 19.