Dear Ladies: You Can’t Custom Order A Husband Like You Can A Starbucks Drink

[Treeboy]

This is ridic. Women dont have lists this short! Nothing about height or financial status? She left out the top 2 things.

 

[Dino246]

I appreciated the article linked in the OP...

mainly because the author stated that Starbucks coffee is mediocre at best.

 

[Lanolin]

I never go to Starbucks.

I can make a perfectly good hot drink at home. If Im desperate mcdonalds has hot choc with marshmallows for $2.

 

[kaylagrl]

I'm so sorry Kayla -- this is an awesome post and I came in here thinking I had a whole bunch of points I wanted to make, but honestly, I think I got to about #7 on this "list" -- and I was already so exhausted that I had to give up.

I would not even want to be this woman's friend (because I'm sure I'd never qualify,) let alone think of trying to set her up with a guy friend or relative.

I know it's important to have standards but one thing I am learning is that life is nothing but a deck of wild cards that no one can predict how they or anyone else will react to.

I've been blessed to talk to several people about the things they've faced in relationships and marriages such as a miscarriage (or other death of a child,)inability to conceive, cancer, long-term illness, loss of the ability to work, schedules that keep people apart, affairs, changing jobs and locations... and of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

"Fun to be around," "hunger to understand me," and "plans vacations with and for me" is really going to have to find a way to step up to the plate when you're facing a dying parent who needs long-term care, a child with special needs, or pandemic that wipes out your source of income.



Rock on, G00WZ!

After years navigating the shark tank that is the dating pool, one of my biggest turnoffs has become someone who demands a laundry list of things from someone else that they do not meet themselves.

So if this woman is wanting a man who "hungers to know about her background and experiences" -- how actively is she going to pursue learning as much as SHE can about HIM? And if she wants a man who plans and does all these cutesy little fairy tale things for her, what does she have to bring to the table to make HIM feel just as special?

I always tell the story of a dating profile I ran across years ago of a man who was demanding "only women who were former, or have the builds of, gymnasts and cheerleaders, etc." He said that "God made men visual, therefore, I must have a physically attractive wife."

And this is where I came up with the saying, "If men are visual -- do men think women are blind?"

Now I have to give him credit if his photo was being honest -- but he was very clearly very overweight, and with a very noticeable double chin to boot. Now, I am not criticizing anyone who struggles with weight. And I do realize that opposites attract.

But there is no way I would ever marry a man who expects me to survive like a rabbit on lettuce leaves and then kill myself at the gym while his idea of being "supportive" is sitting on the couch eating Doritos while asking me how many calories I've burned.

More and more, I am learning that marriage is about serving. I try to ask God, that if He wills it, He would give me someone I am happy serving for the rest of my life.

BUT, on the flipside, the first thing the guy I'm looking for will do WON'T be to shove a list of unicorn demands in my face. Rather, he's the guy who is going to ask, "How can I help?"

And conversely, I hope that I am always asking him the same.

Yes, friends of the family faced three miscarriages as a couple. My mother's sister passed away at 43yrs old, leaving her husband to raise two young teens on his own.

I'm so sorry Kayla -- this is an awesome post and I came in here thinking I had a whole bunch of points I wanted to make, but honestly, I think I got to about #7 on this "list" -- and I was already so exhausted that I had to give up.

I would not even want to be this woman's friend (because I'm sure I'd never qualify,) let alone think of trying to set her up with a guy friend or relative.

I know it's important to have standards but one thing I am learning is that life is nothing but a deck of wild cards that no one can predict how they or anyone else will react to.

I've been blessed to talk to several people about the things they've faced in relationships and marriages such as a miscarriage (or other death of a child,)inability to conceive, cancer, long-term illness, loss of the ability to work, schedules that keep people apart, affairs, changing jobs and locations... and of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

"Fun to be around," "hunger to understand me," and "plans vacations with and for me" is really going to have to find a way to step up to the plate when you're facing a dying parent who needs long-term care, a child with special needs, or pandemic that wipes out your source of income.



Rock on, G00WZ!

After years navigating the shark tank that is the dating pool, one of my biggest turnoffs has become someone who demands a laundry list of things from someone else that they do not meet themselves.

So if this woman is wanting a man who "hungers to know about her background and experiences" -- how actively is she going to pursue learning as much as SHE can about HIM? And if she wants a man who plans and does all these cutesy little fairy tale things for her, what does she have to bring to the table to make HIM feel just as special?

I always tell the story of a dating profile I ran across years ago of a man who was demanding "only women who were former, or have the builds of, gymnasts and cheerleaders, etc." He said that "God made men visual, therefore, I must have a physically attractive wife."

And this is where I came up with the saying, "If men are visual -- do men think women are blind?"

Now I have to give him credit if his photo was being honest -- but he was very clearly very overweight, and with a very noticeable double chin to boot. Now, I am not criticizing anyone who struggles with weight. And I do realize that opposites attract.

But there is no way I would ever marry a man who expects me to survive like a rabbit on lettuce leaves and then kill myself at the gym while his idea of being "supportive" is sitting on the couch eating Doritos while asking me how many calories I've burned.

More and more, I am learning that marriage is about serving. I try to ask God, that if He wills it, He would give me someone I am happy serving for the rest of my life.

BUT, on the flipside, the first thing the guy I'm looking for will do WON'T be to shove a list of unicorn demands in my face. Rather, he's the guy who is going to ask, "How can I help?"

And conversely, I hope that I am always asking him the same.

I think that some, not all, but some of both sexes have this ideal of Mr. or Mrs. Right. And I think maybe we pass on a lot of people that would be good mates because we are looking for a romantic ghost. That person only exists in our fantasies. Once we get into a relationship and realize that everything we want or expected isn't necessarily so, we become depressed, upset and break the relationship.

A story I'm going to share about hubby and I. Before we married we bought a house. My hubby lived there until we got married. But we wanted to have the house ready so we were doing some touch ups. Well I called him one day to pick me up and go over to the house. He said he was painting the back deck. So I get at the house at I felt he was being rather cold toward me being there and I didn't know why. I remember we were in the basement and he was barely talking and I was getting my feelings hurt. So finally I blurted out "what's wrong with you?!! Don't you want me to be here?" I was on the verge of tears now, we never really had a "fight" before this. He looked at me and said " I told you I'm painting the deck today". That meant nothing to me. "So?!" I said. "Well I don't have time to entertain you or hold your hand" Oh, now the hurt tears turned to mad tears!! I said "why do you think I'm here?!" He looked at me doubtfully and I followed him out to the deck and picked up a brush. In nearly 100 degree heat we painted that deck together. Quietly at first, but I got over it. Hubby learned that day that he wasn't married to a princess. We've since expanded that deck and painted it together more than once. I've done our front porch with my mothers help. I could also tell about the time we spread 40 bags of manure on the lawn together, but have to save some of those good stories for later. lol

When it comes down to it, hubby still sometimes underestimates what I can do. Then he sees the look in my eye and stands back and simply says "don't overdo it babe". I still get my feelings hurt too easily, but hubby isn't one to have an issue with saying "I'm sorry" even if it isn't his fault. And then I have to break down and tell him it wasn't his fault, or only his fault. lol

 

[Lynx]

Maybe because I married later in life, I really didn't have any thoughts on "altering" or changing my husband. I guess I was just happy someone was willing to put up with my behind at that age. And I have a bit of a dramatic family that comes with the deal. I'll never live this one down, but when he got down on one knee and asked for my hand I actually responded " are you sure you want to do this?" Now, when the family goes cray I remind him that I did give him a chance to run.

That actually makes more sense than the customary method.

I know it is tradition for the man to get down on one knee and ask the woman to marry him, and the woman gets tears in her eyes and says, "Yes, oh yes I will!". But if I ever ask a lady to marry me it will probably be more like us sitting down to have a serious discussion about whether we want to move to that level of our relationship, and whether we consider ourselves ready for it.

That's probably why I'm still single. I'm terrible at this romance stuff.

 

[EnglishChick]

Well, two things...

1. Sorry if this sounds vain (definitely not my intention), but, in all honesty, that list sounds very much like me, with a few possible exceptions, so I do think that such a man exists.

2. Having said that, lists like this really trouble me. What I'd like to see is a list where a man lists what God wants him to be as a husband, and a wife lists what God wants her to be as a wife. It's my experience that those who are so focused on what their partner should be like never work on becoming what they should be like themselves, and that's a recipe for disaster. Just saying.

that would be a great idea actually

 

[EnglishChick]

Yeah. These lists are silly. Rarely do people end up with the kind of person they expect to. We realize some traits aren't so great after all, and others are better than we thought.
Or the way we interact changes the dynamics of certain behaviors. Or we change over time and our priorities alter.

I think my gf is in that situation. I'm just about the opposite of what she would have looked for in someone, in Many ways. Yet our relationship is solid and she's grown to accept and understand and sometimes even enjoy things she never would have previously.
She stepped out of her expectations and did not find what she expected. And has, instead, opened up her own world and see things differently.

So it's good to know the areas you're not willing to change on, but a lot of the smaller areas, just let them go and give people a chance.

Wise words. sounds like it is working great for both of you

 

[kaylagrl]

That actually makes more sense than the customary method.

I know it is tradition for the man to get down on one knee and ask the woman to marry him, and the woman gets tears in her eyes and says, "Yes, oh yes I will!". But if I ever ask a lady to marry me it will probably be more like us sitting down to have a serious discussion about whether we want to move to that level of our relationship, and whether we consider ourselves ready for it.

That's probably why I'm still single. I'm terrible at this romance stuff.

Yeah, I was really honest with my hubby about who he was marrying. lol I traveled in ministry, so I didn't know how to keep a house or cook. I began traveling when I was 16, so I lived my life on the road. I also have a chronic pain issue, certain days I'm completely down. And even in being truthful as I could be that is not the same as living together and facing those issues. We laugh now but he used to sing a line from a country song about coming home to burned dinners every night. lol The year we were married his doctor told him he gained weight and needed to lay off a bit. So, yeah, I learned to cook quickly ( though I'd rather bake). And he was honest about his past.

We were engaged for several yrs. I don't know who was slower moving. lol But we wanted to be sure we were ready before we took the leap. Romance, it has it's place, but when it's the main focus red flags are missed. We were both older so I think we were more feet on the ground people. In fact we're so much alike a cashier asked us if we were brother and sister! She said we seemed too happy to be married. lol

Lastly I'll just mention a lady that I knew from my home church. She was a missionary with her family for years, then she went back on her own as a single lady. We never imagined she would ever marry. She was talented, very musical, very independent. Then one day a pastor who we all new from a nearby town lost his wife to cancer. Before anyone knew it Bonnie and he were married. She was in her middle 50s. They were the sweetest couple together. You just never know what God has in store.

 

[Lanolin]

haha too happy to be married

love it kayla.
I think 'romance' seems to have gone out of style. Like its too old fashioned for people.
I would consider marrying if I had someone romance me. But nobody does this anymore. Men seem to be really pushy or rather clueless on how to treat a lady (in my part of the world anyway) I mean honestly how hard is it to give a woman flowers.

 

[Platosgal]

Ok, full disclaimer, I'm married. But I saw this post on my FB feed and it's getting a lot of feedback. So here is the article,


https://thefederalist.com/2021/05/0...der-a-husband-like-you-can-a-starbucks-drink/

Now when I was single I spent a lot of years traveling and really didn't think about everything I wanted in a man, other than being a Christian. It was a back burner thing for me. But within this article is a link to an article another woman posted "Single Ladies List." Now from the perspective of a married lady I had a chuckle that this. And I thought it's no wonder men are so confused about what women want, I think they are confused themselves. The list is huge, but I want to try and post some and start a discussion, for both sides, about expectations in marriage. I look forward to seeing the answers. Here we go...


Boo must be:


1. -Expressive of love and devotion and affirmation of me

2. -Emotionally expressive, romantic, demonstrative in gifts and gestures

3. -Fun to be around

4.-Confident but not arrogant or cocky or unhealthily charming/too flirtatious

5. -Not afraid to pursue me, or if he is, he still does diligently

6. -Quirky, non-boring sense of humor

7. -Present, not distracted

8. -Easy to be around

9. -Curiosity about me, to study and know and understand and best love me, an interest in where I’ve come from and what makes me me

10. -Unafraid to affirm and show affection

11. -Great listener

12. -Is clear about his priority of me

13. -Sensitive and aware

14. -Not an approval addict , -Not an attention addict

15. -Notices and pays attention to little things: dates, anniversaries, details, places that are significant to us and me and him

16. -Values my words and contributions to conversation

17.-Pays attention to me when with friends, wants to serve and be near

18.-Sentimental and soft-hearted

19.-Rugged and appreciates nature and beauty

20.-Writes notes and communicates love regularly

21. -Whimsical and cares about living a great story together

22, -Loves children, old people, friends, family, lingering

23. -Regularly shows me affection in various ways and reminds me he’s thinking of me

24. -Supportive always, even in disagreement

25. -Cares deeply about my wounds

26. -Nurtures, loves and promotes my voice literally and figuratively

27. -Recognizes and respects my physical limitations with great love and sympathy

28.-Cares about and prioritizes and sacrifices for my needs

29. --Cares about my experiences with romance, loss, sense of curse, feelings of worthlessness, knows and tends to wounds

30. -Hunger to understand my background influences and experiences

31. -Not patriarchal

32. -Great with money

33. -Willing/adventurous eater -Loves exploring -Loves eating out, enjoys little luxuries -Plans vacations and trips with and for me

34. -Loves to cook with me and for me



Ok, this even all her list, but these are some of the interesting things she posted. I'd like to hear your opinions on this.

How Bout this idea?
Ladies absolutely should make that list of the perfect spouse...
Then BE that..the ladies then have a goal

 

[kaylagrl]

How Bout this idea?
Ladies absolutely should make that list of the perfect spouse...
Then BE that..the ladies then have a goal

Well a list is one thing, then there's being realistic. That was the point of the article.

 

[Encouragement]

Well, two things...

1. Sorry if this sounds vain (definitely not my intention), but, in all honesty, that list sounds very much like me, with a few possible exceptions, so I do think that such a man exists.

2. Having said that, lists like this really trouble me. What I'd like to see is a list where a man lists what God wants him to be as a husband, and a wife lists what God wants her to be as a wife. It's my experience that those who are so focused on what their partner should be like never work on becoming what they should be like themselves, and that's a recipe for disaster. Just saying.

Yes its almost as though they want someone to meet EVERY NEED/WANT that they have..It's all me me me me me me....sounds like a form of idolatry to me.There is nothing about wanting a guy that she can grow in her respect,love and care for..nothing about wanting a guy who they can grow in their roles to each other as husband and wife...Its like she want a guy to treat her like a queen...but there non evidence their that she will treat him like a king.So women can even have a guy who does his best to meet her every need yet she disrespects him and doesn't value him.
..Err..no thanks..I sense that the root motivation is selfishness and a desire to gratify ones own wants and desires without any consideration of what the other person wants..

 

[Lanolin]

the list isnt specific. I think a for a list to work, it just needs to be descriptions of things that a person has.

Like say you are looking for a christian believer, you would write down a list of the 9 fruits to look for.

love
joy
peace
kindness
patience
gentleness
goodness
self-control
faithfulness

I would say if anyone demonstrates at least some of these fruits, you might be on to something.

 

[Adstar]

Ok, full disclaimer, I'm married. But I saw this post on my FB feed and it's getting a lot of feedback. So here is the article,


https://thefederalist.com/2021/05/0...der-a-husband-like-you-can-a-starbucks-drink/

Now when I was single I spent a lot of years traveling and really didn't think about everything I wanted in a man, other than being a Christian. It was a back burner thing for me. But within this article is a link to an article another woman posted "Single Ladies List." Now from the perspective of a married lady I had a chuckle that this. And I thought it's no wonder men are so confused about what women want, I think they are confused themselves. The list is huge, but I want to try and post some and start a discussion, for both sides, about expectations in marriage. I look forward to seeing the answers. Here we go...


Boo must be:


1. -Expressive of love and devotion and affirmation of me

2. -Emotionally expressive, romantic, demonstrative in gifts and gestures

3. -Fun to be around

4.-Confident but not arrogant or cocky or unhealthily charming/too flirtatious

5. -Not afraid to pursue me, or if he is, he still does diligently

6. -Quirky, non-boring sense of humor

7. -Present, not distracted

8. -Easy to be around

9. -Curiosity about me, to study and know and understand and best love me, an interest in where I’ve come from and what makes me me

10. -Unafraid to affirm and show affection

11. -Great listener

12. -Is clear about his priority of me

13. -Sensitive and aware

14. -Not an approval addict , -Not an attention addict

15. -Notices and pays attention to little things: dates, anniversaries, details, places that are significant to us and me and him

16. -Values my words and contributions to conversation

17.-Pays attention to me when with friends, wants to serve and be near

18.-Sentimental and soft-hearted

19.-Rugged and appreciates nature and beauty

20.-Writes notes and communicates love regularly

21. -Whimsical and cares about living a great story together

22, -Loves children, old people, friends, family, lingering

23. -Regularly shows me affection in various ways and reminds me he’s thinking of me

24. -Supportive always, even in disagreement

25. -Cares deeply about my wounds

26. -Nurtures, loves and promotes my voice literally and figuratively

27. -Recognizes and respects my physical limitations with great love and sympathy

28.-Cares about and prioritizes and sacrifices for my needs

29. --Cares about my experiences with romance, loss, sense of curse, feelings of worthlessness, knows and tends to wounds

30. -Hunger to understand my background influences and experiences

31. -Not patriarchal

32. -Great with money

33. -Willing/adventurous eater -Loves exploring -Loves eating out, enjoys little luxuries -Plans vacations and trips with and for me

34. -Loves to cook with me and for me



Ok, this even all her list, but these are some of the interesting things she posted. I'd like to hear your opinions on this.

So so many woman have priced themselves out of the marriage market.. They set up these lists and dig their heels in and think it is life failure to settle for anything less then their demands.. Of course 15 years down the line they will often end up buying cats to keep them company for the last 40 years of their lives on earth..

 

[PennEd]

Seems like someone could simplify this list as worships me and devotes himself to taking care of me and doing romantic things for me.

Yeah, but he has to do it without making it SEEM like he’s doing it too!

 

[TheIndianGirl]

So so many woman have priced themselves out of the marriage market.. They set up these lists and dig their heels in and think it is life failure to settle for anything less then their demands.. Of course 15 years down the line they will often end up buying cats to keep them company for the last 40 years of their lives on earth..

Cats are amazing animals and bring much joy to life. For some reason, the thing with cats is that, the more the merrier (more so than dogs my opinion and I've had dogs too). I believe that is why some ladies have a lot of cats. If a person is single, it is good to have at least one animal.

Everyone forgets that the Bible essentially says that it is better to be alone than in a bad marriage, not it is better to be in a bad marriage than to be single.
New International Version
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife (Proverbs 21:19).

I see a lot of comments from men saying that women are demanding. In your(men's) opinion, what should a woman look for in a man?

 

[seoulsearch]

So so many woman have priced themselves out of the marriage market.. They set up these lists and dig their heels in and think it is life failure to settle for anything less then their demands.. Of course 15 years down the line they will often end up buying cats to keep them company for the last 40 years of their lives on earth..

This can be true for some women, no doubt about that.

For others of us (uh, mainly me, speaking for myself ,) we're (I mean, me) just tired of all the drama and impossible hoops set by both genders. I'd love to meet the right person but one thing I've learned about my own personality is that if the relationship is putting me on the verge of "attack" mode, it's time to leave (and I hope that would show itself before any talk of marriage.)

I've talked extensively about the last boyfriend I had, which was forever and a day ago.

One of the many issues involved was when I went over to his mom's house, where he lived with his two young boys sleeping in the next room, and he was printing out a stack of pornographic pictures from the internet -- all featuring "exotic" women. It doesn't take much to know that among many other things, porn brings out a woman's insecurities to the max. And when I walked in, he acted like he was printing out the newspaper -- "Boys will be boys; God made men visual, etc." was his general attitude. And when he did finally feel some remnant of guilt kicking in, did he get rid of it? No, he just passed it on to a male relative.

Knowing him pretty well, I knew that one of his biggest insecurities, for some reason, was his nose. I didn't see anything wrong with it, but he would make comments about what he didn't like about it.

In the back of my mind, I already knew what I was planning to do. At the time, companies like Ralph Lauren were running regular ads featuring men (fully clothed) with perfect, Roman noses. Because he had such a nonchalant attitude towards the things that were killing me emotionally, I was going to return the favor by "decorating,) various places I knew he would see (the inside of his car, the room where he stayed) with pictures of these chiseled, proportionately "perfect" MALE faces. These men would all be 100% clothed -- and yet, I already knew how he would have reacted to it. But he had no consideration at all in regards to his pictures of naked women.

I never actually put up those pictures. And this was so long ago, I can't remember how much longer it was before I just left the relationship. From then on, any situation in which an ongoing problem that can't be worked out puts me in "retaliation" mode, I just leave, before it can get that far. And I know that's how I would react again (probably worse, as I've gotten even less tolerant with age,) if I were dating another guy who was into porn.

The thing is, if it's a guy friend, I can have all the sympathy in the world, offering to talk and pray about it if he wants. But if it's someone I'm dating, then his porn problem becomes my problem, and that isn't going to settle at all.

Not that I don't do plenty of things wrong on my own, of course. But that's kind of become my litmus test -- if it gets to a point where either or both of us are doing something that's almost constantly hurting the other person, it's time to break up while we still can.

And don't worry about me collecting cats -- I'm allergic, and am not interested in drugging myself up to be around them.

Being alone used to be one of my biggest fears ever in this life -- but now I see it as a chance to talk to, fellowship with, and live life in the companionship of others who have found themselves walking the same path.

When we singles unite in friendship and help each other out, suddenly, we are no longer alone.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

Also, a question for men, what type of expectations (if any) should women have of men's appearance, jobs/income, or education?

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I think appearance is probably the least important of these, since a person can't really control his appearance, whereas he has some control over the other areas. In terms of height, most women want a man who is taller than them, but men seem upset by the height "requirement". So, if a woman is 5'2", she would like a man at least 5'4". I think this expectation is mutual since most men also want a shorter woman. Not every woman seeks a man who is 6'.

 

[Lanolin]

So so many woman have priced themselves out of the marriage market.. They set up these lists and dig their heels in and think it is life failure to settle for anything less then their demands.. Of course 15 years down the line they will often end up buying cats to keep them company for the last 40 years of their lives on earth..

what? nobody BUYS a cat lol

cats just go to whoever they want to live with.