I think following Jesus is so hard because our spirit has to be changed from what it is to what it needs to be.
And all change requires external forces to work upon the thing being changed.
And so, for instance, if we are proud, then for our own benefit we need to be humbled, and that is going to mean having failures, or being confronted with our own limitations, or coming to terms with the reality of our own helplessness.
And all of this can hurt, and our 'self' might rage up against these things. But at the end of the day they are simply the reality that we still haven't digested yet, and until we do then we are stuck at a point of change, and the craftsman may well have to take out a bigger hammer and try again!
Long story short, today I lost my temper at a restaurant where my daughter and I had been waiting for our food for 30 minutes but several customers who arrived after us already had their food - the same food we had ordered. Then, later when I finally got a quiet moment to have a row with God, I said to Him "if only our food had come after 25 minutes everything would have been fine." and straight away I felt Him saying "and what would you have learned from that?"
My brother was a devoted Christian who was born again about 7 years before me. He died of a massive brain-hemorrhage at 49 years old. I am 52 now and I look forward to the day I finally get out of this world. I have often thought I would like to bring my time here to an end, but the truth is it will end on its own soon enough - "vapor of mist" that it is. So, until God pulls the plug I'll try to keep on struggling through the bad days, and I'll try to be kind to a few people along the way who need a little kindness.
I wrote this because I want you to know that I empathize with you, and I care, and I will pray that God send some joy your way.
Take care my friend.
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