Dating non Christians

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Virtuously_CEE

New member
#1
Aug 31, 2021
25
23
3
#1
The Bible calls us to not be unequally yoked. My question to everyone is how do you explain to non Christian as to the reason why you won't allow yourself to date them. I refrained from saying can't because of free will.

I recently have had the pleasure of trying to explain to a man pursuing me all of this. He couldn't understand why I don't date ( I am waiting to be courted) or why I refer to myself as someone's future wife and not girlfriend. He couldn't understand why I was abstaining from sex because I have two children ( prior to being saved).

It's been really frustrating because he's a very nice man but he doesn't understand my relationship with God and my love of Jesus Christ. That comes above all else.

Any advice will help.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#2
Mar 26, 2014
4,433
2,419
113
#2
Virtuously_CEE said:
The Bible calls us to not be unequally yoked. My question to everyone is how do you explain to non Christian as to the reason why you won't allow yourself to date them. I refrained from saying can't because of free will.

I recently have had the pleasure of trying to explain to a man pursuing me all of this. He couldn't understand why I don't date ( I am waiting to be courted) or why I refer to myself as someone's future wife and not girlfriend. He couldn't understand why I was abstaining from sex because I have two children ( prior to being saved).

It's been really frustrating because he's a very nice man but he doesn't understand my relationship with God and my love of Jesus Christ. That comes above all else.

Any advice will help.
Click to expand...
If I ever were in that situation, I'd probably just be very up front that my faith is something that is very important to me, so important that I can't imagine sharing my life with someone who doesn't share my faith. And part of that faith is to value other people highly and that includes not putting someone through the pain of a breakup by dating them when I can't honestly see a future for the relationship and that the God who created everything including sex created it for a specific context and it is so powerful that it has the potential to do great harm when used outside that context (like fires and rivers, very useful when under our control, very destructive when running wild and not under out control).

And even though he is kind to you, after explaining that, if he doesn't get the point then you just have to get mean and say not interested, go away.
 
M

MatthewWestfieldUK

Well-known member
#3
May 13, 2021
871
498
63
#3
I don't think you need to explain yourself or justify your choices. Anyone who is not willing to listen and accept your opinion is not going to be a friend let alone more
 
Pemican

Pemican

Senior Member
#4
Sep 27, 2014
959
246
43
#4
Virtuously_CEE said:
The Bible calls us to not be unequally yoked. My question to everyone is how do you explain to non Christian as to the reason why you won't allow yourself to date them. I refrained from saying can't because of free will.

I recently have had the pleasure of trying to explain to a man pursuing me all of this. He couldn't understand why I don't date ( I am waiting to be courted) or why I refer to myself as someone's future wife and not girlfriend. He couldn't understand why I was abstaining from sex because I have two children ( prior to being saved).

It's been really frustrating because he's a very nice man but he doesn't understand my relationship with God and my love of Jesus Christ. That comes above all else.

Any advice will help.
Click to expand...
I like cinder's answer, that is the gist of it. To add to that, I suggest you give him the gospel message every time you have a conversation with him. The gospel separates people. He will either believe in Christ or start avoiding you. Giving the gospel is as simple as quoting a gospel verse like John 3:16, John 3:36 etc.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#5
Aug 13, 2014
27,429
9,411
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#5
Christians define being successful in life by much different criteria than non-christians.

If you marry a non-Christian you and he will both struggle to achieve what you think is success, and you're going to argue a whole lot.

Ask him what his tolerance is for argument. If he's fine with always letting you have your way, go ahead and marry him. Otherwise, tell him you are warning him to avoid a bad situation, not rejecting him because you deem him unworthy.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#6
Jun 30, 2015
25,491
13,799
113
#6
Virtuously_CEE said:
The Bible calls us to not be unequally yoked. My question to everyone is how do you explain to non Christian as to the reason why you won't allow yourself to date them. I refrained from saying can't because of free will.

I recently have had the pleasure of trying to explain to a man pursuing me all of this. He couldn't understand why I don't date ( I am waiting to be courted) or why I refer to myself as someone's future wife and not girlfriend. He couldn't understand why I was abstaining from sex because I have two children ( prior to being saved).

It's been really frustrating because he's a very nice man but he doesn't understand my relationship with God and my love of Jesus Christ. That comes above all else.

Any advice will help.
Click to expand...
The truth is that you don't owe anyone an explanation. If you feel that giving an explanation is appropriate, you are free to say something like, "We simply aren't compatible." No further reason need be supplied, and will likely lead to an argument. A wise man will simply respond with, "Thanks and best wishes." :)
 
JohnDB

JohnDB

Well-known member
#7
Jan 16, 2021
6,235
2,530
113
#7
Virtuously_CEE said:
The Bible calls us to not be unequally yoked. My question to everyone is how do you explain to non Christian as to the reason why you won't allow yourself to date them. I refrained from saying can't because of free will.

I recently have had the pleasure of trying to explain to a man pursuing me all of this. He couldn't understand why I don't date ( I am waiting to be courted) or why I refer to myself as someone's future wife and not girlfriend. He couldn't understand why I was abstaining from sex because I have two children ( prior to being saved).

It's been really frustrating because he's a very nice man but he doesn't understand my relationship with God and my love of Jesus Christ. That comes above all else.

Any advice will help.
Click to expand...
Tell him that his persistence is annoying you...it's not going to work and get him what he wants.
Tell him that you have learned some lessons in life the extremely hard way. (As I personally have) but once you have learned them you finally get them...and that lesson was to not date guys like him.

Since he isn't taking the hint subtlety... you have to be direct and firm.

I get it myself... you want a spiritual leader as a spouse...not another spiritual infant to raise. You got two kids to raise already...don't need anymore.
 
EternalFire

EternalFire

Well-known member
#8
Jan 3, 2019
659
352
63
#8
Great job keeping yourself chaste and being faithful to God and His Messiah by being a testimony to the importance of purity. What you are doing is precisely what Paul commands toward the end of 1 Corinthians 6:

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

As you have found out, a non-believer has a difficult time understanding such a commitment. Paul also gives us insight into why this is the case in 1 Corinthians 2:14:

"The unbeliever does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him. And he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned."

Thanks for being a light in the darkness, just like Jesus said:

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:14-16).
 
Sculpt

Sculpt

Well-known member
#9
Apr 18, 2021
1,138
362
83
#9
Virtuously_CEE said:
The Bible calls us to not be unequally yoked. My question to everyone is how do you explain to non Christian as to the reason why you won't allow yourself to date them. I refrained from saying can't because of free will.

I recently have had the pleasure of trying to explain to a man pursuing me all of this. He couldn't understand why I don't date ( I am waiting to be courted) or why I refer to myself as someone's future wife and not girlfriend. He couldn't understand why I was abstaining from sex because I have two children ( prior to being saved).

It's been really frustrating because he's a very nice man but he doesn't understand my relationship with God and my love of Jesus Christ. That comes above all else.

Any advice will help.
Click to expand...
I also agree with what Cinder said. Based on your last sentence, I feel remiss if I didn't warn you. My sister had the terrible pain of flirting and then falling for a nonchristian. I've heard many life stories of deep trouble for those who did the same thing and/or married a nonchristian. It sounds like he's a temptation to you. If you open the door to this you could be in big trouble.

You seem to be saying you want advice on what to say to him... that's not the advice I would give you. I would tell you to do whatever is necessary to have no contact with him whatsoever.

Like many of us on this forum, we know this dynamic very well from personal experience. Without meaning to be deceptive many people will tell you what you want to hear to get what they think they want, especially when it's presented as a challenge. You know this. Trying to get him to understand is a false goal; that is not your responsibility. Trust me, that information is easily assessible for anyone who really wants to know. If you want to be courted by a christian man, then take a real step direction this week, and away from this danger.
 
GiveThanks

GiveThanks

God Will Make A Way
#10
Dec 6, 2020
429
347
63
#10
Virtuously_CEE said:
It's been really frustrating because he's a very nice man but he doesn't understand my relationship with God and my love of Jesus Christ. That comes above all else.

Any advice will help.
Click to expand...
He understands. He's just pretending not to.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#12
Aug 13, 2014
27,429
9,411
113
#12
One thing you gotta make clear: You're not rejecting him because he's inferior.

This is important, because when a girl tells a guy "no," what the guy hears is "you're not worthy of me." You may not say that, but that's what he hears because that's how a guy's brain works.

Make it clear to him that you're not throwing him out because he's trash. You're declining his offer because y'all are too mismatched.

A lot of times when you tell a guy no he keeps trying as an effort to validate himself, to prove that he IS worthy in spite of your rejection.
 
GiveThanks

GiveThanks

God Will Make A Way
#13
Dec 6, 2020
429
347
63
#13
Lynx said:
One thing you gotta make clear: You're not rejecting him because he's inferior.

This is important, because when a girl tells a guy "no," what the guy hears is "you're not worthy of me." You may not say that, but that's what he hears because that's how a guy's brain works.

Make it clear to him that you're not throwing him out because he's trash. You're declining his offer because y'all are too mismatched.

A lot of times when you tell a guy no he keeps trying as an effort to validate himself, to prove that he IS worthy in spite of your rejection.
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She has made it clear that she is a Christian and she isnt interested in fornicating. What in that is hard for him to understand?

If he feels unworthy its not her job to fix him. Her job is to state her case and move on.

Unsaved people well know that Christians get married before sex, and yet they still try to pursue Christians because they believe they can get them to do otherwise or they just dont respect their religion. She dont need to be nice and sweet with him, she need to be firm. He want to be sad about that, well let him be sad while she keep her peace of mind.
 
JohnDB

JohnDB

Well-known member
#14
Jan 16, 2021
6,235
2,530
113
#14
Lynx said:
One thing you gotta make clear: You're not rejecting him because he's inferior.

This is important, because when a girl tells a guy "no," what the guy hears is "you're not worthy of me." You may not say that, but that's what he hears because that's how a guy's brain works.

Make it clear to him that you're not throwing him out because he's trash. You're declining his offer because y'all are too mismatched.

A lot of times when you tell a guy no he keeps trying as an effort to validate himself, to prove that he IS worthy in spite of your rejection.
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Of course they are mismatched...
They might use similar vocabulary words but with two drastically different meanings and understanding of normally accepted behaviors and goals for life.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#15
Aug 13, 2014
27,429
9,411
113
#15
GiveThanks said:
If he feels unworthy its not her job to fix him. Her job is to state her case and move on.
Click to expand...
It is true that she doesn't owe him anything.

However...

It doesn't cost one penny to be polite and help him understand.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#16
Mar 26, 2014
4,433
2,419
113
#16
GiveThanks said:
Unsaved people well know that Christians get married before sex, and yet they still try to pursue Christians because they believe they can get them to do otherwise or they just dont respect their religion.
Click to expand...
Actually most unsaved people well know that many of those who say they are Christian will justify having sex in a close relationship Christians may be less likely to engage in one night stands and casual sex, but overall many who call themselves Christian aren't as against sex with someone you're dating and thinking about marrying as you would think from just reading the Bible. As some here can share, even dating someone who says they are a Christian is no guarantee that marriage before sex is a shared commitment.
 
GiveThanks

GiveThanks

God Will Make A Way
#17
Dec 6, 2020
429
347
63
#17
Virtuously_CEE said:
The Bible calls us to not be unequally yoked. My question to everyone is how do you explain to non Christian as to the reason why you won't allow yourself to date them. I refrained from saying can't because of free will.

I recently have had the pleasure of trying to explain to a man pursuing me all of this. He couldn't understand why I don't date ( I am waiting to be courted) or why I refer to myself as someone's future wife and not girlfriend. He couldn't understand why I was abstaining from sex because I have two children ( prior to being saved).

It's been really frustrating because he's a very nice man but he doesn't understand my relationship with God and my love of Jesus Christ. That comes above all else.

Any advice will help.
Click to expand...
Were you polite and sweet when you explained to this man your beliefs? If so, you dont need to be in a state of frustration anymore. Your next step is to be firm. Him being a nice man makes no difference. If he continues to pursue you, then avoide him. You cant be friends with a man who has ulterior motives. Learn from the mistakes of others and be wise.
 
V

Virtuously_CEE

New member
#18
Aug 31, 2021
25
23
3
#18
GiveThanks said:
She has made it clear that she is a Christian and she isnt interested in fornicating. What in that is hard for him to understand?

If he feels unworthy its not her job to fix him. Her job is to state her case and move on.

Unsaved people well know that Christians get married before sex, and yet they still try to pursue Christians because they believe they can get them to do otherwise or they just dont respect their religion. She dont need to be nice and sweet with him, she need to be firm. He want to be sad about that, well let him be sad while she keep her peace of mind.
Click to expand...
I agree. You assessed the situation perfectly
 
GiveThanks

GiveThanks

God Will Make A Way
#19
Dec 6, 2020
429
347
63
#19
cinder said:
Actually most unsaved people well know that many of those who say they are Christian will justify having sex in a close relationship Christians may be less likely to engage in one night stands and casual sex, but overall many who call themselves Christian aren't as against sex with someone you're dating and thinking about marrying as you would think from just reading the Bible. As some here can share, even dating someone who says they are a Christian is no guarantee that marriage before sex is a shared commitment.
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This is so and all the more reason for her to be firm in order to send a clear message to him that she is not like the other Christians and as such he should not waste his time.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#20
Aug 13, 2014
27,429
9,411
113
#20
GiveThanks said:
This is so and all the more reason for her to be firm in order to send a clear message to him that she is not like the other Christians and as such he should not waste his time.
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That'll push him away alright... Away from the girl and from Christians in general. Man, what a rude bunch those Christians are. Good thing I didn't get trapped in a relationship with one of THEM!

Just "being firm" only works if the only objective is to make people go away. If we want to save the lost at the same time, we need to try for a little understanding while we tell them no.
 
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