Singles: What Do You Find Are the Biggest Challenges to Living Independently?

[TheIndianGirl]

I think one of my big challenges in living independently is letting things go when there's no one else around to keep up appearances for. While I was doing the work at home thing before I had my dog, there were plenty of days I just didn't get around to getting dressed because I wasn't going out anywhere or interacting with people in person that day. And I think if I had other people that were relying on me that would also help motivate me to eat healthier and make better choices to set a good example to other people.

That's correct, there is minimal reason to keep up appearances if one is single and not dating at present (except to look presentable at work). It is easy to let yourself go, in terms of clothing, hygiene, etc. However, when one is in a relationship, there is some pressure to keep up appearances which may sometimes induce negative feelings. One easy example I think can of is shaving, generally both men and women want the other to shave or at least groom themselves (face and other body parts such as legs, etc.). Another issue may be weight issues, which can be hurtful. It is very easy for a person to have low self-esteem because of his/her spouse. Even a spouse suggesting better diet could be viewed as hurtful to some.

 

[seoulsearch]

Another issue may be weight issues, which can be hurtful. It is very easy for a person to have low self-esteem because of his/her spouse. Even a spouse suggesting better diet could be viewed as hurtful to some.

I saw a cute joke about this once (guys, please don't be offended, because it could obviously goes both ways.)

The observation was made that single women are often (theoretically) thinner than a lot of married women, and someone wondered why.

The answer given was:

"Single women come home, look at what's in the fridge (3-day old leftovers; cold, greasy takeout) and just automatically go to bed (without eating, because nothing looks appetizing.) Married women come home, see what's in bed (their assumedly out-of-shape husbands,) and just automatically go to the refrigerator."

Yes, I know it goes both ways.

But I couldn't help but smile (my apologies to the guys.)

 

[Lynx]

I saw a cute joke about this once (guys, please don't be offended, because it could obviously goes both ways.)

The observation was made that single women are often (theoretically) thinner than a lot of married women, and someone wondered why.

The answer given was:

"Single women come home, look at what's in the fridge (3-day old leftovers; cold, greasy takeout) and just automatically go to bed (without eating, because nothing looks appetizing.) Married women come home, see what's in bed (their assumedly out-of-shape husbands,) and just automatically go to the refrigerator."

Yes, I know it goes both ways.

But I couldn't help but smile (my apologies to the guys.)

Hmm... my fridge has a jug of homemade boiled custard, some homemade chili, a few other things... This might explain my current escalating weight. Also my bed is empty. But I'm happy. Getting fatter, but happy.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hmm... my fridge has a jug of homemade boiled custard, some homemade chili, a few other things... This might explain my current escalating weight. Also my bed is empty. But I'm happy. Getting fatter, but happy.

How fast can you grow a beard?

I'm thinking auditions for shopping mall (the 10 they have left) Santas will probably start in a few weeks.

 

[Lynx]

How fast can you grow a beard?

I'm thinking auditions for shopping mall (the 10 they have left) Santas will probably start in a few weeks.

They make very realistic add-on beards these days. Nothing at all like the beard-on-a-string they use in movies.

 

[stilllearning]

I would say shopping. I was married for 20 years. So now on my own I realize how bad I am at knowing what may be needed. Used to be if I needed a paper towel, Q-tip, band, aid, aspirin, or what have ya. It was always there, now I find I am making unexpected trips down to the store cause I am not to good at keeping a house stocked with items that may not be everyday but you might need. So not sure if that is shopping or maybe planning or even being aware what may be needed in the house. Whatever it is that would be a area I find challenging for myself.

 

[Lanolin]

why do people want to live by themselves or is not having any flatmates a thing now?!
Surely rents are cheaper when shared.

If you own a place you can take in a boarder or host students etc. Or is it just too much hassle to live with other people? You dont have to share your entire lives with your flatmates but then you wouldnt be alone!

 

[TheIndianGirl]

why do people want to live by themselves or is not having any flatmates a thing now?!
Surely rents are cheaper when shared.

If you own a place you can take in a boarder or host students etc. Or is it just too much hassle to live with other people? You dont have to share your entire lives with your flatmates but then you wouldnt be alone!

I liked having roommates for the most part; it really depends on the person and I have maintained friendships with some of them (whereas I don't remember the names of other roommates). I didn't like the instability aspect of having roommates, the instability of having one (or a few) coming and going, having to put up ads to find new ones, having to move different places, etc. With some roommates they won't let you know until the end if they want to renew the lease, etc. (as they are secretly looking for a better deal elsewhere for example), so you may be panicking at the end. A few of my roommates had boyfriends over and I did not feel entirely comfortable. Plus, some roommates may not be very clean. There is always the issue of dividing chores. Where I live, if you want your own private bedroom and bathroom, it is only a bit more expensive to get your own place (either a studio, or a one-bedroom in a less convenient location). Overall, you have more privacy and more freedom to live the way you want without having a roommate. I personally would not want to buy a place and have boarders as I want my home to feel like home. If I went in with "landlord" mentality, from a business perspective, that is different. At my last place, I became close friends with a neighbor and we met in eachother's apartments for conversation, tea, meals, etc. and that was ideal.

 

[Lynx]

why do people want to live by themselves or is not having any flatmates a thing now?!
Surely rents are cheaper when shared.

If you own a place you can take in a boarder or host students etc. Or is it just too much hassle to live with other people? You dont have to share your entire lives with your flatmates but then you wouldnt be alone!

Some people want their place to be their place. There's something about having a sanctuary where you can go and not have to put up with anybody else's junk (physical, aural and psychological junk all included) except your own.

Now for some people this is NOT a necessity. Some people don't even want it. But for some it's something they gotta have. If you're not one of those people you might not understand.

 

[seoulsearch]

why do people want to live by themselves or is not having any flatmates a thing now?!
Surely rents are cheaper when shared.

If you own a place you can take in a boarder or host students etc. Or is it just too much hassle to live with other people? You dont have to share your entire lives with your flatmates but then you wouldnt be alone!

I liked having roommates for the most part; it really depends on the person and I have maintained friendships with some of them (whereas I don't remember the names of other roommates). I didn't like the instability aspect of having roommates, the instability of having one (or a few) coming and going, having to put up ads to find new ones, having to move different places, etc. With some roommates they won't let you know until the end if they want to renew the lease, etc. (as they are secretly looking for a better deal elsewhere for example), so you may be panicking at the end. A few of my roommates had boyfriends over and I did not feel entirely comfortable. Plus, some roommates may not be very clean. There is always the issue of dividing chores. Where I live, if you want your own private bedroom and bathroom, it is only a bit more expensive to get your own place (either a studio, or a one-bedroom in a less convenient location). Overall, you have more privacy and more freedom to live the way you want without having a roommate. I personally would not want to buy a place and have boarders as I want my home to feel like home. If I went in with "landlord" mentality, from a business perspective, that is different. At my last place, I became close friends with a neighbor and we met in eachother's apartments for conversation, tea, meals, etc. and that was ideal.

After my then-husband left, I went through a few years of transitioning from always being around someone to only being around people at work or church. Once I got used to it, I have pretty much opted to live on my own ever since. For safety, I've always tried to live close to family and we all just find having our own spaces to be easier. Different things work for different people.

Although I have had roommates for short times (friends who temporarily needed a place to stay,) as long as I could handle things on my own, I was never interested in a permanent roommate for the very reasons that The Indian Girl mentions in her post.

For example, you might not smoke, drink, or do drugs, but you won't always get roommates who don't, and even if they don't, they might have friends and boyfriends that they constantly bring over who do. And it can be awkward if a roommate invites a significant other over for the night or weekend. What if she pretty much has him living with her (and the house only has one bathroom,) and after several months, you're going to either lay down a list of rules she most likely won't follow, or else kick her out and be left holding her share of the bills? I've known a lot of people who have gone through all kinds of horror stories with roommates (sometimes within their own families.)

I also love things like having a table set up with "stations" for different purposes: one side is my Bible-reading, complete with a box of highlighters, notes, and tabs for marking important information; one side is set up for letter-writing, both online and with good old-fashioned pens and papers; one side is set up with mail/current paperwork I need to work on; and the fourth side is set up for current activities, such as eating or working on a project.

I love that I can leave everything out, go wherever I need to go, and then have everything waiting for me exactly the way it was when I left it. I don't have to worry about anyone breaking my things, locking anything up or someone trying to copy my personal information (as I said, even if your roommates are trustworthy, it doesn't mean the people they bring over are.) I take on the role of being responsible for any mess or mishap that needs to be cleaned up (rather than waiting for a roommate to take care of their dirty dishes, laundry, or 6-month old spoiled food.)

I don't have to worry about someone not coming up with their rent, even though it's stressful doing everything alone. I don't have to fight with anyone about how they want to live their life or try to enforce rules over another (theoretically) grown adult.

While living on one's own isn't a life for everyone, I do think it that for those who can do it, there can be a lot of benefits (mostly in the form of the things you DON'T have to worry about.)

 

[Lynx]

I also love things like having a table set up with "stations" for different purposes: one side is my Bible-reading, complete with a box of highlighters, notes, and tabs for marking important information; one side is set up for letter-writing, both online and with good old-fashioned pens and papers; one side is set up with mail/current paperwork I need to work on; and the fourth side is set up for current activities, such as eating or working on a project.

Ugh. I only WISH I could have stations now! With this woman staying with Grandma while I'm gone, I can't depend on anything being where it should any more.

One time I thought I was out of clean work shirts because she put my clean-and-dry laundry in the spare bedroom for some weird reason. Almost every time I need the 4-cup measure I have to hunt through the whole kitchen to find it. Don't even get me started on where the can opener winds up. GOOD GRIEF, just watch Grandma and leave my stuff alone!

*Lynx sneaks in, swipes seoulsearch's Bible from the Bible station and buries it under the mail, mostly out of jealousy.

 

[azsheepdog]

So sorey. Happy to chat id that helps. There's good people here

Thank you for your kind offer.

 

[Lanolin]

After my then-husband left, I went through a few years of transitioning from always being around someone to only being around people at work or church. Once I got used to it, I have pretty much opted to live on my own ever since. For safety, I've always tried to live close to family and we all just find having our own spaces to be easier. Different things work for different people.

Although I have had roommates for short times (friends who temporarily needed a place to stay,) as long as I could handle things on my own, I was never interested in a permanent roommate for the very reasons that The Indian Girl mentions in her post.

For example, you might not smoke, drink, or do drugs, but you won't always get roommates who don't, and even if they don't, they might have friends and boyfriends that they constantly bring over who do. And it can be awkward if a roommate invites a significant other over for the night or weekend. What if she pretty much has him living with her (and the house only has one bathroom,) and after several months, you're going to either lay down a list of rules she most likely won't follow, or else kick her out and be left holding her share of the bills? I've known a lot of people who have gone through all kinds of horror stories with roommates (sometimes within their own families.)

I also love things like having a table set up with "stations" for different purposes: one side is my Bible-reading, complete with a box of highlighters, notes, and tabs for marking important information; one side is set up for letter-writing, both online and with good old-fashioned pens and papers; one side is set up with mail/current paperwork I need to work on; and the fourth side is set up for current activities, such as eating or working on a project.

I love that I can leave everything out, go wherever I need to go, and then have everything waiting for me exactly the way it was when I left it. I don't have to worry about anyone breaking my things, locking anything up or someone trying to copy my personal information (as I said, even if your roommates are trustworthy, it doesn't mean the people they bring over are.) I take on the role of being responsible for any mess or mishap that needs to be cleaned up (rather than waiting for a roommate to take care of their dirty dishes, laundry, or 6-month old spoiled food.)

I don't have to worry about someone not coming up with their rent, even though it's stressful doing everything alone. I don't have to fight with anyone about how they want to live their life or try to enforce rules over another (theoretically) grown adult.

While living on one's own isn't a life for everyone, I do think it that for those who can do it, there can be a lot of benefits (mostly in the form of the things you DON'T have to worry about.)

dont call them roomates in nz. We dont share bedrooms, just houses, or flats.
Although if you are a student and living in a dorm situation, you might have an actual roommate.

So if beneifts outweigh the downsides of having flatmates, then I dont think theres really anything much to complain about especially seeing you can afford it! . If you have good neighbours or in an aprtment you habe a conceierge or body corporate or superintendent then theres not much problems as far as security goes.
Othwise most people who live alone just have dogs, or some other pet for company.

 

[Lanolin]

In the bible it says two are better than one, cos if one falls the other can help them up and a three-fold cord is not easily broken, I reckon living in a household of three works out best for the average home.
Oh and theres the trinity of course if you want to put a spiritual spin on it.

my sister lives alone and she currently has no job and hurt her leg so shes crippled as well, but shes got loads of friends who look out for her.
And just the other day she was saying the landlords cat visited and made himself at home. ?!

I think in whatver situation people find themselves in to trust in God and He will look after you. When Jesus was hungry after being in the wilderness God sent angels to minister to him. Elijah I think had ravens come and feed him. I really dont think we can ever be independent of God, because in him we live and move and have our being. I think people just have this illusion that they are independent.

 

[Lynx]

One thing I wasn't expecting as a single guy: I'm no longer the one in danger when they talk about stranger danger. Now I'm the stranger. I have changed places in the van. I'm no longer the kid it might pick up. Now I'm a possible driver.

What I'm saying is, as a single 43 year old guy you have to be careful how you talk to kids. Very careful.

 

[Lanolin]

I was going to add that one reason Im not that keen on living alone is perhaps security eg no back ups. You go out, you have to lock up everything. If you leave your house you have to remember to lock ALL the doors and windows, and if you live in a house with many entrances and exits and windows thats a lot of locks to remember! And then with your house all locked up there might not be any ventilation. also, I know sometimes you are in such a rush to leave you may forget something...like turning the heater or lights off. (especially on thise days that are dark in the mornings, Im like that with the car, how many times have I left the lights on?! then it wont start)

Imagine having to do that ten times a week. I suppose with an apartment it is easier as there may be a concierge and caretaker. So if anything does go wrong or something happens you can call them to check.

I remmber once being in a hurry and got to work and had to go back and check if I left the garage door open after my flatmate had left earlier. She was also a bit worried if I left a window open (even though it had a security latch and the house was alarmed) because she had been burgled in the past.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I was going to add that one reason Im not that keen on living alone is perhaps security eg no back ups. You go out, you have to lock up everything. If you leave your house you have to remember to lock ALL the doors and windows, and if you live in a house with many entrances and exits and windows thats a lot of locks to remember! And then with your house all locked up there might not be any ventilation. also, I know sometimes you are in such a rush to leave you may forget something...like turning the heater or lights off. (especially on thise days that are dark in the mornings, Im like that with the car, how many times have I left the lights on?! then it wont start)

Imagine having to do that ten times a week. I suppose with an apartment it is easier as there may be a concierge and caretaker. So if anything does go wrong or something happens you can call them to check.

I remember once being in a hurry and got to work and had to go back and check if I left the garage door open after my flatmate had left earlier. She was also a bit worried if I left a window open (even though it had a security latch and the house was alarmed) because she had been burgled in the past.

One negative aspect of having roommates is that they may come home late, and sometimes they don't tell you if they are coming home that night at all (either because they are being difficult or they just don't know yet). During these nights I don't sleep well because I was on alert as the deadbolt is unlocked and door swing bar is not being used, and if I hear the door open I don't know if it was my roommate or someone else.

At my last apartment, I didn't go there for many months (teleworking at my parents'). That building did have single entry, good security, including concierge (morning until evening). During that period, pest control and maintenance (routine) did enter my apartment. I had a neighbor collect any trash mail that may accumulate at my door (such as Chinese takeout menus, etc.). Before I left the apartment for that situation, or any other trip (10 days or longer), I would unplug my appliances. I tried to get my apartment ready the night before, such as closing/locking the windows, unplugging appliances (as many as possible), checking the stove was off, etc. I would not use the stove the day of travel. For the same reason, I would not use appliances such as stove or oven the morning before I left for work (only thing I would do in the kitchen is open the fridge to get my lunch). With that apartment I felt very safe being away for a long time. However, I lived in another apartment (with a roommate) where anyone can walk up to the door. I would have been hesitant staying away from that apartment for a long time, because there was basically zero security.

 

[Lanolin]

why do you call them roomates? I just think its weird because you may not actually share a room. You might share other parts of the dwelling.

My dad used to work nightshift and come home at 1am and I am certain that part of my insomnia was probably due to him coming home at night. I dont suffer from insominia anymore but I did have to learn to properly sleep at night lol

I sometimes get called to house sit for others when they are away. But I draw the line at looking after peoples dogs.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

why do you call them roomates? I just think its weird because you may not actually share a room. You might share other parts of the dwelling.

I think the term gets used frequently because many people get their first roommate in college dorms, where we do share the room with another person. I think the term roommate just sticks after that. However the term housemate is also used if people are sharing a house. We don't use the term flatmate.

 

[seoulsearch]

why do you call them roomates?

We don't use the term flatmate.

As The Indian Girl pointed out, we don't use the term "flatmate" because over here we don't call apartments or living spaces flats, as they do in some countries.

"Roommate" seems to make sense because even if you don't share a personal room, you still share common rooms in the house -- the living room, the kitchen, the laundry room, etc.

Or, as The Indian Girl also pointed out, we also use the term "housemates."