Darn biological clock...I need some advice!

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Angel2386

Guest
#1
#1
I'd like your thoughts on my dilemma; I've been praying, but God seems to be vague with His instructions lately. (Maybe He's making me humble myself on the chat forum first?)

I'm a 33 yr old female, who has been in a relationship with a wonderful 29 yr old Christian man for the past year and a half. It's almost eerie how well we get along, plus he has a great job, a great family, and my friends love him. He would swim through sharks for me -- I trust him completely.
We're both kinda awkward when discussing the idea of marriage; he's always been painfully shy around women, and I finally gave up on handling relationships myself and told God to take over. We seem to have this "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" policy toward our relationship.
HOWEVER...as I said before, I am 33. Though I can't imagine it right now, I might want to have a child one day. The risk for pregnancy complications goes up considerably after age 35, but I'd like to get used to being married before I add the stress of a child to the mix. Meaning, I don't have a lot of time left! I feel if I press the issue, he'll propose, but here's where my problem comes in... I'm not very physically attracted to him. He's cute, don't get me wrong, but he just has no clue about what interests women. I love him very much, though; I can't imagine living life without him.
But for his sake, he deserves a woman who is "hot" for him. (heck, he's almost 30 and has never had a girlfriend besides me!) He also could have a woman who is a lot younger than me, who could produce a whole litter of kids to play with in the backyard. I love him, and I want what's best for him. I also want to be happy myself. I keep praying about it, but I'm still conflicted. I thought I would ask for advice here while I'm waiting on God to give me some clarity on whether to press the issue of marriage. Thoughts? (sorry for the novel)
 
Megatron

Megatron

Banned
#2
May 6, 2011
640
2
0
#2
Angel2386 said:
I'd like your thoughts on my dilemma; I've been praying, but God seems to be vague with His instructions lately. (Maybe He's making me humble myself on the chat forum first?)

I'm a 33 yr old female, who has been in a relationship with a wonderful 29 yr old Christian man for the past year and a half. It's almost eerie how well we get along, plus he has a great job, a great family, and my friends love him. He would swim through sharks for me -- I trust him completely.
We're both kinda awkward when discussing the idea of marriage; he's always been painfully shy around women, and I finally gave up on handling relationships myself and told God to take over. We seem to have this "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" policy toward our relationship.
HOWEVER...as I said before, I am 33. Though I can't imagine it right now, I might want to have a child one day. The risk for pregnancy complications goes up considerably after age 35, but I'd like to get used to being married before I add the stress of a child to the mix. Meaning, I don't have a lot of time left! I feel if I press the issue, he'll propose, but here's where my problem comes in... I'm not very physically attracted to him. He's cute, don't get me wrong, but he just has no clue about what interests women. I love him very much, though; I can't imagine living life without him.
But for his sake, he deserves a woman who is "hot" for him. (heck, he's almost 30 and has never had a girlfriend besides me!) He also could have a woman who is a lot younger than me, who could produce a whole litter of kids to play with in the backyard. I love him, and I want what's best for him. I also want to be happy myself. I keep praying about it, but I'm still conflicted. I thought I would ask for advice here while I'm waiting on God to give me some clarity on whether to press the issue of marriage. Thoughts? (sorry for the novel)
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Are the things that you dont like changable? like fashion or something he could learn and develop?
 
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Angel2386

Guest
#3
#3
It would certainly help! I don't want to sound shallow at all, but I've always been very stylish and confident and had a lot of attention from guys. He could care less about fashion, (nerdy t-shirts and comfort is his policy), and is the stereotypical "nice guy". I offer suggestions, and praise him thoroughly when he makes an attempt, but he's just terrible at it. I admit I'm slightly bored, but I don't want to be one of these girls who tries to change her guy into something he's not. Isn't love supposed to rise above petty things like that?
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#4
#4
What do you mean when you say that he has no idea what interests women? Just naivete re: women in general or is it something you could discuss with him?

If the two of you are close enough to ponder marriage, it's incredibly important that you are comfortable discussing extremely personal issues in a non-intimidating way.

If you aren't attracted to him physically at all, could it be that the love you feel toward him is more of a dependency than actual lasting love or fear of being alone?
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#5
Aug 2, 2009
24,641
4,300
113
#5
Angel2386 said:
I'd like your thoughts on my dilemma; I've been praying, but God seems to be vague with His instructions lately. (Maybe He's making me humble myself on the chat forum first?)

I'm a 33 yr old female, who has been in a relationship with a wonderful 29 yr old Christian man for the past year and a half. It's almost eerie how well we get along, plus he has a great job, a great family, and my friends love him. He would swim through sharks for me -- I trust him completely.
We're both kinda awkward when discussing the idea of marriage; he's always been painfully shy around women, and I finally gave up on handling relationships myself and told God to take over. We seem to have this "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" policy toward our relationship.
HOWEVER...as I said before, I am 33. Though I can't imagine it right now, I might want to have a child one day. The risk for pregnancy complications goes up considerably after age 35, but I'd like to get used to being married before I add the stress of a child to the mix. Meaning, I don't have a lot of time left! I feel if I press the issue, he'll propose, but here's where my problem comes in... I'm not very physically attracted to him. He's cute, don't get me wrong, but he just has no clue about what interests women. I love him very much, though; I can't imagine living life without him.
But for his sake, he deserves a woman who is "hot" for him. (heck, he's almost 30 and has never had a girlfriend besides me!) He also could have a woman who is a lot younger than me, who could produce a whole litter of kids to play with in the backyard. I love him, and I want what's best for him. I also want to be happy myself. I keep praying about it, but I'm still conflicted. I thought I would ask for advice here while I'm waiting on God to give me some clarity on whether to press the issue of marriage. Thoughts? (sorry for the novel)
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First of all, you sound like a really great lady and he is a very lucky man to have you. Now, I really don't think you should push for marriage because you are afraid of your biological clock running out. In fact, this article here shows that women's childbearing age range tops out at 42. The middle childbearing age range is 21 to 38. My sister had her first child when she was 37 and my little niece came out healthy and strong, except for having a lot of allergies but they don't know what causes that.That article cites the National Institute of Health and the American Society for Reproductive Medicine so the information is from trusted sources.

Now, about your attractiveness to your boyfriend. You mentioned that its mainly his fashion sense that turns you off yes? Well, the good news is that that area is very fixable and if he knew that it would make a difference in whether you are attractive to him or not he might just be inclined to let you give him a makeover! :)
 
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Angel2386

Guest
#6
#6
One more thing: this attraction issue is a regular occurrence for me. I consider myself a stable individual; no life "baggage" or anything. I have a good family, good church, good friends, good job, etc. I have had a few serious relationships in my life: almost all were good guys, but with every boyfriend I completely lost attraction after about a year or so...when the "new" wore off. To the point where the idea of intimacy with any of them suddenly repulsed me. That's why I feel like perhaps this could be a ME problem, that could be fixed if I knew how. Maybe I subconsciously live in a fantasy world, and once reality sets in I don't want it anymore. I'm not a very romantic person, though. I don't live in fairyland expecting prince charming to show up with that proverbial white horse. Logic tells me to grow up and be more mature about relationships; to accept the fact that with most partners the attraction fades over time. I just didn't expect it to fade so fast! I don't want my current man to be another victim of my weird issue. :(
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#7
#7
It does seem like an issue that you need to come to terms with before becoming someone's wife. And if you do marry and have childen, and things don't work out, it would not only be harmful to the two of you, but the children as well. My prayer is that God will help you resolve this issue so that you can move on to having a realistic, lasting, godly relationship. God bless you for your openess and willingness to change. :)
 
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thimsrebma

Guest
#8
#8
Angel2386 said:
Logic tells me to grow up and be more mature about relationships; to accept the fact that with most partners the attraction fades over time. I just didn't expect it to fade so fast! I don't want my current man to be another victim of my weird issue. :(
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I actually don't think that is true. I know some people who have this never fading passion for each other. They have always and will always be attracted to each other. I don't want this to sound harsh but I am just a blunt person but this is totally a you thing.

Obviously I don't know alot about the relationship but it seems that you like him because he is a nice guy. But don't sell yourself short and don't deny him of his true love. There are alot of really great guys and gals out here but that doesn't mean you are compatible for each other. If that were the case we could just go and pick up any other Christian single and live happily ever after.

I feel if you don't have a deep passion for one another then years later you will look up and love someon but not be in love with them and may be disappointed.
 
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Angel2386

Guest
#9
#9
I talk to God a lot. Probably enough to annoy Him if he were a human! After my last failed relationship (which was with an alcoholic whose rehab didn't work so well... I tried to help him, but I ended up turning into his "mommy". I'm sure you've heard those kinds of stories) I threw my hands in the air, and said "God, I'm finished. I'm happy being single, and if you want me to be then that's fine. YOU take care of it, because I don't know how." And I meant it. I was resigned to being single, and frankly I was truly okay with it. Then I met my current boyfriend, and inwardly fought the fact that I was interested. I told God "If you want me to get involved with this man, then push me. If it's a bad idea, then change my mind. YOU are in control, not me." Obviously, after a while of fretting, I admitted to myself I was crazy about this guy. We are best friends, we finish each other's sentences, laugh a lot, think the same weird thoughts simultaneously, and have the same life values and principles. I truly feel like God sent him to me; that's why I'm so confused, I guess.
 
L

Liz01

Guest
#10
#10
You seem to be stressed trying to force yourself to feel for him what you think you must feel, i think would be good if you relax, enjoy the moments that you live with this guy and see what will happen, because God is in control of everything and He never makes mistakes, so, if his purpose for you is to have children, i think that he will put you this guy or another at any time, i mean, God is powerful and love you i will give you what you need, but i think that you need to relax a little bit and only enjoy time.
 
T

TDWP22

Guest
#11
#11
Angel2386 said:
I'd like your thoughts on my dilemma; I've been praying, but God seems to be vague with His instructions lately. (Maybe He's making me humble myself on the chat forum first?)

I'm a 33 yr old female, who has been in a relationship with a wonderful 29 yr old Christian man for the past year and a half. It's almost eerie how well we get along, plus he has a great job, a great family, and my friends love him. He would swim through sharks for me -- I trust him completely.
We're both kinda awkward when discussing the idea of marriage; he's always been painfully shy around women, and I finally gave up on handling relationships myself and told God to take over. We seem to have this "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" policy toward our relationship.
HOWEVER...as I said before, I am 33. Though I can't imagine it right now, I might want to have a child one day. The risk for pregnancy complications goes up considerably after age 35, but I'd like to get used to being married before I add the stress of a child to the mix. Meaning, I don't have a lot of time left! I feel if I press the issue, he'll propose, but here's where my problem comes in... I'm not very physically attracted to him. He's cute, don't get me wrong, but he just has no clue about what interests women. I love him very much, though; I can't imagine living life without him.
But for his sake, he deserves a woman who is "hot" for him. (heck, he's almost 30 and has never had a girlfriend besides me!) He also could have a woman who is a lot younger than me, who could produce a whole litter of kids to play with in the backyard. I love him, and I want what's best for him. I also want to be happy myself. I keep praying about it, but I'm still conflicted. I thought I would ask for advice here while I'm waiting on God to give me some clarity on whether to press the issue of marriage. Thoughts? (sorry for the novel)
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lol u remainded me of my professor's policy, if it aint broken, brake it hahaha...we guys fall in love with older, younger, women from other races, different social classes, its crazy...some guys are shy around women, it obvious for hims since hes never had a girl...so just wait in Christ, if he is meant for you, than he will be given to you
 
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GreenNnice

Guest
#12
#12
The Lord leads, my standard answer for questions of this nature. For Abraham and Sarah, they laughed when God told Sara and Abe they would have a kid when she was NINETY. Ha-ha. It happened. Isaac was born !!

In other words, angel, don't let your age stop you from liking this guy, he will make his OWN decisions and if he's fine with half a litter :D then GREAT. THAT is really all that matters. Again, the Lord leads.
 
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NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#13
#13
<---Does the clock look anything like this?
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#14
Aug 2, 2009
24,641
4,300
113
#14
Angel2386 said:
One more thing: this attraction issue is a regular occurrence for me. I consider myself a stable individual; no life "baggage" or anything. I have a good family, good church, good friends, good job, etc. I have had a few serious relationships in my life: almost all were good guys, but with every boyfriend I completely lost attraction after about a year or so...when the "new" wore off. To the point where the idea of intimacy with any of them suddenly repulsed me. That's why I feel like perhaps this could be a ME problem, that could be fixed if I knew how. Maybe I subconsciously live in a fantasy world, and once reality sets in I don't want it anymore. I'm not a very romantic person, though. I don't live in fairyland expecting prince charming to show up with that proverbial white horse. Logic tells me to grow up and be more mature about relationships; to accept the fact that with most partners the attraction fades over time. I just didn't expect it to fade so fast! I don't want my current man to be another victim of my weird issue. :(
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Ok, I see now that I misjudged you. I really don't think you should marry this guy at all. He above all deserves someone who loves him and WANTS to be with him, not just someone who thinks he's a great catch. I'm not saying that the issue you are having is your fault. I'm saying that you and him are probably not going to work out because you aren't attracted to him. You will just be miserable and he will be under the false impression that you married him because you loved him with all your heart.
 
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FireWire

Guest
#15
#15
It sounds like it's not going anywhere or in the right direction hence why you have misgivings about it. I'd say there might be some confusion and or misunderstandings. The fact that he is shy probably doesn't help either. It's rather difficult to know what is going on without proper communication.
 
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rainacorn

Guest
#17
#17
Angel2386, our stories are eerily similar. Like it's kinda freaking me out a little.

I was you. I was dating that guy. We're married now.

The only real difference between our stories is that my friends don't like him. Of course, that's because I have horrible friends. lol

Anyway, I trusted God to lead me in my situation and He did. He made it obvious that marriage was my future, specifically with him. He even helped me with the attraction issue (part of it was God changing how I see him, part of it was God changing how he sees himself). I never wanted kids, but God has made it clear that kids are in the future too. I believe my husband and I were brought together to be parents. He gets what He wants.

If this is God's will, trust that He'll remove any obstacles and make it impossible for you to run away. I hope your man is praying about this as much as you are!
 
T

Thalassa

Guest
#18
#18
Angel2386 said:
Meaning, I don't have a lot of time left! I feel if I press the issue, he'll propose, but here's where my problem comes in... I'm not very physically attracted to him. He's cute, don't get me wrong, but he just has no clue about what interests women. I love him very much, though; I can't imagine living life without him.
But for his sake, he deserves a woman who is "hot" for him. (heck, he's almost 30 and has never had a girlfriend besides me!) He also could have a woman who is a lot younger than me, who could produce a whole litter of kids to play with in the backyard. I love him, and I want what's best for him. I also want to be happy myself. (sorry for the novel)
Click to expand...
Physical attraction doesn't have much to do with "technique". Doing the right thing at the right time to be able to attract your interest as a woman is something that can be learnt, but this doesn't automatically mean that you are going to be attracted to him the way you desire.

Imho, you are way too young to settle for something that doesn't feel right just because you feel time pressing you. And in your mind it's crystal clear what the problem is. I know that being comfortable in a relationship is nice and reassuring. But he is not your brother or your best friend. He is your mate. You are supposed to be physically attracted to him, it's something that God has given us to enhance both reproduction and the bond between a man and a woman.
The sad truth is that in most cases physical attraction fades slowly or faster over time in a couple so, imagine if it is non existant or starts fading before having kids.

On the other hand, our mind is a fascinating thing and sometimes, things are the way we see them because we choose to see them this way for a particular reason. It's our perception that is not very likely but also not impossible to change.

You don't have to rush into anything and sometimes God gives us the solution through life itself in time.
 
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Thalassa

Guest
#19
#19
And then she saw the date on the last post... :eek:
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#20
#20
It was still a great post :)
 
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