Don't even know how to do this

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Dec 20, 2021
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#1
I haven't been single in many, many years. It's new territory for me and I'm not sure I'm going to like it. But I also can't imagine ever finding the right one. (Obviously the last was NOT the right one. So many wasted years. Sigh.)

How on earth do I do this? I already miss the comforts of married life (though I don't miss the abuse). Always having someone to go do things with. Boy is that now a thing of the past. I also get very anxious at the thought of social situations. I'm just a mess.

So here I am. In a chat room. Thank the Lord for modern technology.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,433
2,418
113
#2
How long have you been single again after how many years of marriage? It is kind of like having to relearn how to do everything again and create / re-establish new routines for everything and getting everything done. One of the best things about being single and on your own though is that once you through that transition, you are the only one who can mess up your plans and routines.

And I guess the other thing is to take some time to recognize the benefits of being single as well as the challenges. I'd say one of the most useful things for a full single life is to learn to become comfortable doing things (whatever you want because you don't have to compromise to satisfy anyone else's interests) by yourself. That an don't mind if you make things a bit difficult for other people socially by being a single one and messing up all their planning around couples and even numbers.

One more thing about transition is that during a major life transition like this, pretty much everything you do is more difficult and stressful because you are relearning how to do it as a single instead of a couple. So when you're tired and it seems like things are overwhelming, just understand that that is part of the transition and give yourself a night in to get those stress levels back down.

Another CCer also had a lot good to say about divorce care or other potential support communities (online or as a church group) where you can be around people dealing with a lot of the same things you are so you feel less alone and can swap advice with people actually going through the same stuff. Because those of us who've been single for a while and figured out how to make it mostly work for us can sometimes be a bit unsympathetic to the challenges of being newly single.
 

2ndTimothyGroup

Well-known member
Feb 20, 2021
5,883
1,952
113
#3
I haven't been single in many, many years. It's new territory for me and I'm not sure I'm going to like it. But I also can't imagine ever finding the right one. (Obviously the last was NOT the right one. So many wasted years. Sigh.)

How on earth do I do this? I already miss the comforts of married life (though I don't miss the abuse). Always having someone to go do things with. Boy is that now a thing of the past. I also get very anxious at the thought of social situations. I'm just a mess.

So here I am. In a chat room. Thank the Lord for modern technology.
I feel your pain/s. I really do. And, there is so much to be said in response . . . books have been written to do such.

First, Paul teaches that we are to remain in the position that we are in when our hearts are Circumcised by Christ. If we are married and can remain as such, then we should do it. If we are single . . . again, we should remain single. Well, you are now single, thus, according to Paul, he advises (as the Word of God) that you remain in this position. Unless, however, you (or any person) find that you are unable to control your sexual self. Then, by all means, become remarried.

Beyond this, what I can tell you is: Read Ephesians chapters 3 and then 2. Here, you will discover that there is a Mysterious Plan of God that you must, absolutely must come to know. The greatest clue to this Plan is found in Colossians 2:9-15. It reads this way:

Colossians 2:9-15 NLT - "For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. 10 So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority. 11 When you came to Christ, you were "circumcised," but not by a physical procedure. Christ performed a spiritual circumcision--the cutting away of your sinful nature. 12 For you were buried with Christ when you were baptized. And with him you were raised to new life because you trusted the mighty power of God, who raised Christ from the dead. 13 You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. 14 He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. 15 In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross."

As you come to know and understand this Plan, make the incredible decision to read the entire Bible in a timeline, Chronological order. And in by doing so, your old, worldly spouse will be replaced by your new and Holy Spouse . . . Jesus Christ.

Timeline Chronological 365-Day Reading Plan

Knowing Jesus in terms of His Purpose, Work and Effect, is the best way to overcome our desperate need for human companionship. Believe me, I've been through what you're going through and can testify that it is extremely difficult. That said, no one taught me what I am teaching you now, thus, you have a tremendous advantage.

So, begin your New Life with Christ in a way that you never thought imaginable. If you undergo this process that I am providing to you now, you will Truly know and understand what it means to be Transformed by the Renewing of your mind! You can do it!
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
42,588
17,055
113
69
Tennessee
#4
There are others here that are in the same situation as yourself so please know that you are not alone in this. My first marriage years ago was a horrific experience with much abuse also. You are right in saying that it is a thing of the past, so it is best to let it go and continue to move forward. Glad to have you join our community. Welcome to CC.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#6
You are going to have to learn the art of friendship.

Being single does not mean you latch on to the closest person and start dating them hoping they will be your next spouse.

Being single means you are free and you can make lots of friends and each enjoy the company of all of them in a group or one on one without making 'married' demands on them.

Being single means you accept people for who they are not their marital status. As you may find out, some people treat singles as 'less' than a married couple. No you are not 'half' anymore. You are whole. If you dont feel like it then you need to learn how to be whole.

Having a relationship with God is just as important when you are single as it was when you were married.
 

BrotherMike

Be Still and Know
Jan 8, 2018
1,617
1,671
113
#7
I haven't been single in many, many years. It's new territory for me and I'm not sure I'm going to like it. But I also can't imagine ever finding the right one. (Obviously the last was NOT the right one. So many wasted years. Sigh.)

How on earth do I do this? I already miss the comforts of married life (though I don't miss the abuse). Always having someone to go do things with. Boy is that now a thing of the past. I also get very anxious at the thought of social situations. I'm just a mess.

So here I am. In a chat room. Thank the Lord for modern technology.
It took me 10 years to find the one God has for me after losing my wife, my kids, my house, my health, and my job all at the same time. Things have got much better since then but all I can say is cling onto Jesus and don’t lose hope with the plans He has for you. He will show you the right one in His timing, not ours. Keep on praying without ceasing, He listens all the time.
 

Lafftur

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2017
6,889
3,633
113
#8
I haven't been single in many, many years. It's new territory for me and I'm not sure I'm going to like it. But I also can't imagine ever finding the right one. (Obviously the last was NOT the right one. So many wasted years. Sigh.)

How on earth do I do this? I already miss the comforts of married life (though I don't miss the abuse). Always having someone to go do things with. Boy is that now a thing of the past. I also get very anxious at the thought of social situations. I'm just a mess.

So here I am. In a chat room. Thank the Lord for modern technology.
You and your life consists of MORE than just the physical realm and physical relationships. You are loved and not alone. That has not changed and never will.

All Earthly marriages END in death or divorce... so what's REALLY IMPORTANT - our relationship with Jesus Christ, amen! Put your focus on Jesus Christ and you will TRULY KNOW LOVE and be WHOLE.
:love:(y)

My divorce was finalized in May of this year 2021. I'm the happiest I've EVER been! lol! :giggle: :love:(y)
 
Dec 20, 2021
15
9
3
#9
How long have you been single again after how many years of marriage?
Thank you for your reply. He moved out at the end of October and the divorce is just in its starting phase. I'm not looking for a relationship anytime soon, I'd be no good to anyone right now. Plus i don't feel right looking before the divorce is final. (Because it isn't right.) There's been too much trauma in my life, even before my marriage, and I've got to work through all that trauma before I have any ability to open myself up to another person.

But my heart is to be married and not to walk alone. My therapist says if the Lord has put that desire in my heart then it's because he intends to fulfill it. I hope that's true. But I hope I give myself the time to heal before I start looking for the fulfillment of that desire.

It would be nice to chat with people though. Just casual chit chat.
 

TheLearner

Well-known member
Jan 14, 2019
8,191
1,577
113
68
Brighton, MI
#10
Many Evangelical Presbyterian Churches has Divorce and Singles Sunday School Classes.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,347
9,367
113
#11
I haven't been single in many, many years. It's new territory for me and I'm not sure I'm going to like it. But I also can't imagine ever finding the right one. (Obviously the last was NOT the right one. So many wasted years. Sigh.)

How on earth do I do this? I already miss the comforts of married life (though I don't miss the abuse). Always having someone to go do things with. Boy is that now a thing of the past. I also get very anxious at the thought of social situations. I'm just a mess.

So here I am. In a chat room. Thank the Lord for modern technology.
Howdy and welcome to the forum.

I've been single all my life (so far) so I don't have any advice to give. Just a greeting, for what it's worth.

Here's some humor though - a couple threads about the lighter side of being single.
https://christianchat.com/christian...his-year-2021-non-singles-welcome-too.197280/
https://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/its-good-to-be-single.200309/

They both start out fairly normal, but get funny rather quickly.
 
Apr 11, 2020
57
52
18
#12
Thank you for your reply. He moved out at the end of October and the divorce is just in its starting phase. I'm not looking for a relationship anytime soon, I'd be no good to anyone right now. Plus i don't feel right looking before the divorce is final. (Because it isn't right.) There's been too much trauma in my life, even before my marriage, and I've got to work through all that trauma before I have any ability to open myself up to another person.

But my heart is to be married and not to walk alone. My therapist says if the Lord has put that desire in my heart then it's because he intends to fulfill it. I hope that's true. But I hope I give myself the time to heal before I start looking for the fulfillment of that desire.

It would be nice to chat with people though. Just casual chit chat.
I went to a Divorce Care class, and it was a big help. Many churches offer them.
 

EmilyNats

Senior Member
Jul 28, 2016
1,374
205
63
#13
Good friends go a long way and family go a long way. Church family included. Focus on loving the people who love you back already and nurturing those relationships now while you are single. It seems like someone who learns how to be content as a single has a lot better chance at finding the right spouse to be content with later on.
 

2ndTimothyGroup

Well-known member
Feb 20, 2021
5,883
1,952
113
#16
Well, so much for obeying the teachings of Paul (who issued the Word of God).
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,347
9,367
113
#17
Well, so much for obeying the teachings of Paul (who issued the Word of God).
Do you HAVE to pee on every conversation? Are you really so bored that all you have to amuse yourself with is castigating people on a forum?
 

2ndTimothyGroup

Well-known member
Feb 20, 2021
5,883
1,952
113
#18
Do you HAVE to pee on every conversation? Are you really so bored that all you have to amuse yourself with is castigating people on a forum?
So you agree that one doesn't need to obey? Suit yourself. And it was you who was "peeing" on my simple opinion. You're a bit backward.