I think I may understand a bit of what you are trying to say here, Rissa. Women are different from men in many ways. One of them is that we women have a great deal of difficulty separating physical touch from our emotions, and it’s soooo much harder when we are younger and our hormones are raging (which is why men in their 20s tend to think all women in their 20s are insane haha). Hopefully, christian men understand this better than men of the world, who are capable of engaging in a sexual relationship with a woman with no emotional attachment. It appears that you have difficulty with this and want to be sure that when you marry, you are choosing to be with that person with your heart, mind and soul rather than your hormones. For you, an affectionate relationship could well be what the first drink is to an alcoholic.
I’m an affectionate person, so I know this would not work for me; but I totally respect and admire you for being able to do what you are doing. J God meets us all where we are and leads us accordingly. Bless you for following His lead.