Affairs. Salvation. And a long marriage story

[Annie411]

That's great, a new start. Time heals Annie, give it time. The Holy Spirit will give you the necessary and timely insight of how to deal with your situation. 👍 Shalom. 🙂

Thank you so much. I will keep your words in mind. I appreciate your time.

 

[kaylagrl]

Hello all. I am new to this forum but found comfort in reading some other posts about this subject.
A little backstory. I am a born again Christian. I have been saved for about three years now. Before I was saved, my soul was tormented completely. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home and brought that into all of my relationships. I hurt the ones I loved to avoid being abandoned and I self sabatoged. This came out in the form of a decade long eating disorder (bulimia), an alcohol addiction and adultry. I unfortunately dragged my husband into all of this. I am 30 now. I have had a couple of affairs before I was saved. One when we first started dating (I must have been 20) and almost left my (now) husband for him and another three years ago. In the midst of my drinking, there have likely been other offenses as well.
This past weekend, the Lord compelled me to come clean completely about my transgressions to my husband. He had known about a portion, but I lied to him repeatedly about some of the questions he asked out of fear. And selfishness. And my own sin. I was so unbelievably terrified, but I did it. I came clean the best I could.
My husband now says he wants to continue the marriage. But he has also made it abundantly clear that for right now at least, he is not staying in it for me. He’s staying in it for our children. So, in my own selfishness, I can’t help but feel abandoned.
A little background on my husband. He was a good boyfriend when we first started dating. He treated me well, but over the years his heart has grown cold to me. I’m not sure exactly what was responsible for it but looking back, it was likely my toxic behavior. He is also not a believer.
Last night he told me that I robbed him of his life. And I can’t argue that. I hid an affair from him for ten years. It makes me terribly sad.
Now I’m just figuring out how to cope. He says for me to just leave him alone, so I’m going to try my best to do that, but I can’t help but feel like nothing is my own. Like my house isn’t my own anymore. Like this beautiful family of mine isn’t my own and I deserve to have it all taken from me.
If I’m being honest. Today I woke up in so much unbelievable pain and despair over my actions and how I’ve hurt my husband. Especially because I have been made NEW. I would never ever do these things now because I love Jesus and my husband.
I’m wondering if any husbands or wives can chime in after surviving infidelity and give me biblical advice on how to move past this. I would also ask you to just pray for my husbands healing and most importantly, his salvation. If that means he leaves me and finds Jesus. So be it.

Sincerely,
A born again Christian and wife)

Your hubby is human and you've given him a lot to process. Many people would have just walked away. So there is something special about him that he is willing to stay. I think the best you can do is as you have, admit that you were wrong. But do your best to show him that Jesus is the reason for the "new" you. Be as open and honest with him as you can and answer whatever questions he has. Give him his space, but continue to pray for him. Let him know you understand that you hurt him terribly, but you have had a deep change within you.

I don't know if you have a church you attend, if your kids attend. But try to invite him to church when a special group is singing, or something easy where it's not a strict service setting. People are often more willing to attend a church when there is something special going on and they don't feel like they are being preached at.

Lastly, this will take patience, waiting on the Lord and intercessory prayer. So if you know some prayer warriors ask them to pray for you and your family. Don't get upset with him. Give him the time and space he needs. But in all of this, God has forgiven you, all of your past He doesn't remember. I hope your husband comes to the Lord, but you cannot depress yourself if he refuses to see the new you. You cannot flagellate yourself for the rest of your marriage. You are a new creation, let your light shine before your husband, give him time and pray. Only God can change a heart, and only He can heal a broken past, for both of you. We ask the Lord to put His hand over your home now and heal these deep hurts, like only He can, and make your family whole and new. Blessings sister.

 

[listenyoumustAll]

Hello all. I am new to this forum but found comfort in reading some other posts about this subject.
A little backstory. I am a born again Christian. I have been saved for about three years now. Before I was saved, my soul was tormented completely. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home and brought that into all of my relationships. I hurt the ones I loved to avoid being abandoned and I self sabatoged. This came out in the form of a decade long eating disorder (bulimia), an alcohol addiction and adultry. I unfortunately dragged my husband into all of this. I am 30 now. I have had a couple of affairs before I was saved. One when we first started dating (I must have been 20) and almost left my (now) husband for him and another three years ago. In the midst of my drinking, there have likely been other offenses as well.
This past weekend, the Lord compelled me to come clean completely about my transgressions to my husband. He had known about a portion, but I lied to him repeatedly about some of the questions he asked out of fear. And selfishness. And my own sin. I was so unbelievably terrified, but I did it. I came clean the best I could.
My husband now says he wants to continue the marriage. But he has also made it abundantly clear that for right now at least, he is not staying in it for me. He’s staying in it for our children. So, in my own selfishness, I can’t help but feel abandoned.
A little background on my husband. He was a good boyfriend when we first started dating. He treated me well, but over the years his heart has grown cold to me. I’m not sure exactly what was responsible for it but looking back, it was likely my toxic behavior. He is also not a believer.
Last night he told me that I robbed him of his life. And I can’t argue that. I hid an affair from him for ten years. It makes me terribly sad.
Now I’m just figuring out how to cope. He says for me to just leave him alone, so I’m going to try my best to do that, but I can’t help but feel like nothing is my own. Like my house isn’t my own anymore. Like this beautiful family of mine isn’t my own and I deserve to have it all taken from me.
If I’m being honest. Today I woke up in so much unbelievable pain and despair over my actions and how I’ve hurt my husband. Especially because I have been made NEW. I would never ever do these things now because I love Jesus and my husband.
I’m wondering if any husbands or wives can chime in after surviving infidelity and give me biblical advice on how to move past this. I would also ask you to just pray for my husbands healing and most importantly, his salvation. If that means he leaves me and finds Jesus. So be it.

Sincerely,
A born again Christian and wife)

1 Corinthians 7:11
But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
You have a decision to make here my sister, Jesus doesn't condemn you, his mercy endures. You have to be bold and strong. The Lord Jesus welcomes you. Enjoy the newness of life given you.

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

thank you for your advice. I’ve had fleeting moments this past week where I thought it was a mistake to have told him. That I should’ve kept this hurt to myself, but I also feel like God convicted my heart to do this. Especially because it was not out of the blue. He asked me some very specific questions about my past and I lied to him. I’m done with the lying. That is also in my past.
I will continue to be the best wife and mother I can be but by Gods strength alone. I wake up every morning now wishing I didn’t. I haven’t eaten. The weight is heavy.
Not putting a time limit on his pain is a scary thought. But I will try to shift my focus from pleasing him to pleasing God. My heart is aching though.
please pray for the mental and emotional strength for me to carry this out.
thank you

I love this message of yours! And yes, I prayed that the Lord would grant you the strength to continue in your sufferings. If it helps, you might relate yourself to the Apostle Paul in his sufferings. If you recall, the Lord said that Paul would suffer throughout his life, but what this means is that Paul was Chosen by the Lord to be His Child!!! So often in the New Testament, we read that God loves the poor, the oppressed, the struggling, the afflicted, etc. You are now in that category. This is great news! And if you remember, God tells us that His ways are not our ways, hence, the Lord loves those who struggle and endure!

So as you say that God led you to do this, well then, let's accept that this is true! The Bible also says that God Disciplines us as any good Father will and does. This is punishment, but it is to make you the absolutely best person that you can be; a person who becomes more like Christ, the Son of God. So, it should make more sense that we're told to consider our hardships as Blessings. Let's accept that your decision was the decision that the Lord placed in your heart, and you acted upon it. And if this is the case, then the Power of God to influence your thinking and decisions is remarkable . . . is it not?

So rejoice! But rejoice within your heart! Learn to be happy with who you are, but be cautious in how you express it. If knowing that your husband is miserable, it will upset him even more for him to think that you are happy with life, though his heart seems to be broken. Does that make sense? He may actually resent you for being happy while he remains miserable. But again, as far as you are concerned, you MUST learn to believe that you are a True Child of God . . . and there is nothing more important than that!

Though I do not know you, I both believe in you and am proud of you as a Sister in Christ.

 

[Annie411]

Thank you all again for your comfort and hope. I appreciate you all.

 

[Annie411]

1 Corinthians 7:11
But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
You have a decision to make here my sister, Jesus doesn't condemn you, his mercy endures. You have to be bold and strong. The Lord Jesus welcomes you. Enjoy the newness of life given you.

Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you so much

 

[Annie411]

I love this message of yours! And yes, I prayed that the Lord would grant you the strength to continue in your sufferings. If it helps, you might relate yourself to the Apostle Paul in his sufferings. If you recall, the Lord said that Paul would suffer throughout his life, but what this means is that Paul was Chosen by the Lord to be His Child!!! So often in the New Testament, we read that God loves the poor, the oppressed, the struggling, the afflicted, etc. You are now in that category. This is great news! And if you remember, God tells us that His ways are not our ways, hence, the Lord loves those who struggle and endure!

So as you say that God led you to do this, well then, let's accept that this is true! The Bible also says that God Disciplines us as any good Father will and does. This is punishment, but it is to make you the absolutely best person that you can be; a person who becomes more like Christ, the Son of God. So, it should make more sense that we're told to consider our hardships as Blessings. Let's accept that your decision was the decision that the Lord placed in your heart, and you acted upon it. And if this is the case, then the Power of God to influence your thinking and decisions is remarkable . . . is it not?

So rejoice! But rejoice within your heart! Learn to be happy with who you are, but be cautious in how you express it. If knowing that your husband is miserable, it will upset him even more for him to think that you are happy with life, though his heart seems to be broken. Does that make sense? He may actually resent you for being happy while he remains miserable. But again, as far as you are concerned, you MUST learn to believe that you are a True Child of God . . . and there is nothing more important than that!

Though I do not know you, I both believe in you and am proud of you as a Sister in Christ.

you have no idea how much that means to me. Throughout this whole last week when I was agonizing over this, 2 Chronicles 12:7 carried me:
When the Lord saw that they had humbled themselves, the word of the Lord came to Shemaiah. They have humbled themselves, I will not destroy them, but I will grant them deliverance and my wrath shall not be poured out on Jerusalem

I humbled myself before my husband and before God. I do believe that that is the greatest act of love I’ve ever showed my husband. And I do believe God brought me to my knees for a reason. And all of you have given me strength. Thank you. And thank you for saying you’re proud of me. It helps a lot when someone realizes the magnitude of me coming clean about something so painful. It is all for God. All of my life is for God.

 

[Annie411]

I love this message of yours! And yes, I prayed that the Lord would grant you the strength to continue in your sufferings. If it helps, you might relate yourself to the Apostle Paul in his sufferings. If you recall, the Lord said that Paul would suffer throughout his life, but what this means is that Paul was Chosen by the Lord to be His Child!!! So often in the New Testament, we read that God loves the poor, the oppressed, the struggling, the afflicted, etc. You are now in that category. This is great news! And if you remember, God tells us that His ways are not our ways, hence, the Lord loves those who struggle and endure!

So as you say that God led you to do this, well then, let's accept that this is true! The Bible also says that God Disciplines us as any good Father will and does. This is punishment, but it is to make you the absolutely best person that you can be; a person who becomes more like Christ, the Son of God. So, it should make more sense that we're told to consider our hardships as Blessings. Let's accept that your decision was the decision that the Lord placed in your heart, and you acted upon it. And if this is the case, then the Power of God to influence your thinking and decisions is remarkable . . . is it not?

So rejoice! But rejoice within your heart! Learn to be happy with who you are, but be cautious in how you express it. If knowing that your husband is miserable, it will upset him even more for him to think that you are happy with life, though his heart seems to be broken. Does that make sense? He may actually resent you for being happy while he remains miserable. But again, as far as you are concerned, you MUST learn to believe that you are a True Child of God . . . and there is nothing more important than that!

Though I do not know you, I both believe in you and am proud of you as a Sister in Christ.

Thank you so much. You’re right. There is something special about this man. He is steady and consistent. He means what he says and Ive had the privilege of watching him grow into a strong leader the past ten years. I can only hope over time he gets to know Christ and through knowing Christ, he sees me for who I truly am now.

 

[Annie411]

Your hubby is human and you've given him a lot to process. Many people would have just walked away. So there is something special about him that he is willing to stay. I think the best you can do is as you have, admit that you were wrong. But do your best to show him that Jesus is the reason for the "new" you. Be as open and honest with him as you can and answer whatever questions he has. Give him his space, but continue to pray for him. Let him know you understand that you hurt him terribly, but you have had a deep change within you.

I don't know if you have a church you attend, if your kids attend. But try to invite him to church when a special group is singing, or something easy where it's not a strict service setting. People are often more willing to attend a church when there is something special going on and they don't feel like they are being preached at.

Lastly, this will take patience, waiting on the Lord and intercessory prayer. So if you know some prayer warriors ask them to pray for you and your family. Don't get upset with him. Give him the time and space he needs. But in all of this, God has forgiven you, all of your past He doesn't remember. I hope your husband comes to the Lord, but you cannot depress yourself if he refuses to see the new you. You cannot flagellate yourself for the rest of your marriage. You are a new creation, let your light shine before your husband, give him time and pray. Only God can change a heart, and only He can heal a broken past, for both of you. We ask the Lord to put His hand over your home now and heal these deep hurts, like only He can, and make your family whole and new. Blessings sister.

I meant to reply to you on the reply above us

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

you have no idea how much that means to me. Throughout this whole last week when I was agonizing over this, 2 Chronicles 12:7 carried me:
When the Lord saw that they had humbled themselves, the word of the Lord came to Shemaiah. They have humbled themselves, I will not destroy them, but I will grant them deliverance and my wrath shall not be poured out on Jerusalem

I humbled myself before my husband and before God. I do believe that that is the greatest act of love I’ve ever showed my husband. And I do believe God brought me to my knees for a reason. And all of you have given me strength. Thank you. And thank you for saying you’re proud of me. It helps a lot when someone realizes the magnitude of me coming clean about something so painful. It is all for God. All of my life is for God.

Uggg . . . my message was supposed to say, "This is NOT punishment."

What a great thread that this has turned into. And yes, I am proud of you in that you can humble yourself as you have. There are so many, here, who are angry and upset with us, but your heart is gentle even in your transgressions. My guess is that you will relate to the below verses . . . this is what the Lord has done for you!

Ezekiel 36:25-27 NKJV - "Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. "I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them."

These beautiful verses were written for you. God foreknew you when these most Holy Words were written. They were written so that when you read them, you would say to yourself, "My Lord. My Powerful, Almighty God . . . you did this for me."

To be given a new Heart . . . to have received the Spiritual Circumcision of Christ . . . there is no greater gift that you could ever receive while on this planet. Without these words, there is no Hope. But you have been given this Grace by God, and it is a Grace that no human, not even any husband is capable of giving. So know that you have received the approval of the One who matters the most.

Exodus 33:19 NKJV - 19 Then He said, "I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before you. I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion."

So, you can see that this Grace has nothing to do what anything that you have or have not done, but it is a Choice made by God Himself. The Lord gave you a new Heart so that you could Turn to Him and obey. The Lord gave you the ability to Believe. The Lord gave you the ability to Submit. The Lord gave you the ability to Obey. The Lord is now giving you the ability to be Confident. And when the time is right, after you fully come to understand the True Gospel of Jesus Christ, you will be given the ability to Share that True Gospel of our Master, Jesus.

So remember BSOCS. Believe, Submit, Obey, Confidence, and Share. If we are not Sharing it is because we are not Confident. If we are not Confident it is because we do not Obey. If we do not Obey it is because we have not Submitted. If we have not Submitted, it is because we do not properly Believe.

 

[Annie411]

Uggg . . . my message was supposed to say, "This is NOT punishment."

What a great thread that this has turned into. And yes, I am proud of you in that you can humble yourself as you have. There are so many, here, who are angry and upset with us, but your heart is gentle even in your transgressions. My guess is that you will relate to the below verses . . . this is what the Lord has done for you!

Ezekiel 36:25-27 NKJV - "Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. "I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them."

These beautiful verses were written for you. God foreknew you when these most Holy Words were written. They were written so that when you read them, you would say to yourself, "My Lord. My Powerful, Almighty God . . . you did this for me."

To be given a new Heart . . . to have received the Spiritual Circumcision of Christ . . . there is no greater gift that you could ever receive while on this planet. Without these words, there is no Hope. But you have been given this Grace by God, and it is a Grace that no human, not even any husband is capable of giving. So know that you have received the approval of the One who matters the most.

Exodus 33:19 NKJV - 19 Then He said, "I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before you. I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion."

So, you can see that this Grace has nothing to do what anything that you have or have not done, but it is a Choice made by God Himself. The Lord gave you a new Heart so that you could Turn to Him and obey. The Lord gave you the ability to Believe. The Lord gave you the ability to Submit. The Lord gave you the ability to Obey. The Lord is now giving you the ability to be Confident. And when the time is right, after you fully come to understand the True Gospel of Jesus Christ, you will be given the ability to Share that True Gospel of our Master, Jesus.

So remember BSOCS. Believe, Submit, Obey, Confidence, and Share. If we are not Sharing it is because we are not Confident. If we are not Confident it is because we do not Obey. If we do not Obey it is because we have not Submitted. If we have not Submitted, it is because we do not properly Believe.

This is absolute Gold. Thank you.

 

[tourist]

I'm only asking these questions out of concern for your emotional and mental welfare.

Have you thought about moving out of home for a while, or would your husband be willing to do that? With you there in the home he may constantly be reminded of the object of his hurt, and with he being there, and his present manner towards you, you will constantly be reminded of his rejection of you.

Putting space between warring parties often hastens the healing. The war in his mind will be a deep feeling of betrayal, and for yourself, a deep feeling of guilt and rejection. If you don't see your husband's manner softening towards you within the next few weeks or so, for your own health's sake you may need to pull away. I realise there are children involved, so their needs will need to be accommodated, and part of that is they shouldn't have long term exposure to disharmony between parents.

There's no single scripture that comes to mind that gives precise direction here, except for the one Paul used to describe love, and the two commandments Jesus gave us to observe.

I concur with your estimation, especially the part about separation for a period of time to allow for healing and reflection.

 

[Annie411]

I concur with your estimation, especially the part about separation for a period of time to allow for healing and reflection.

Hi! Not sure if you saw my response the this but, I sort of listed out my reasons for not doing that. I’m not going to leave him. There’s no reason to we are not fighting or hostile with eachother. There just isn’t the intimacy and affection I would like (understandably so). He has been pretty darn respectful considering. He’s let me have it a couple of times late at night when the kids are asleep, but honestly, his resilience never ceases to impress me. This just happened on Friday and already we took a family trip to the grocery store today. So, God is working. As for protecting my mental health I completely understand that, but I need to also understand that he has every right to feel the way he does and I need to walk in my forgiveness. Leaving him and my children would only cause more guilt than I already feel.

 

[tourist]

Hi! Not sure if you saw my response the this but, I sort of listed out my reasons for not doing that. I’m not going to leave him. There’s no reason to we are not fighting or hostile with eachother. There just isn’t the intimacy and affection I would like (understandably so). He has been pretty darn respectful considering. He’s let me have it a couple of times late at night when the kids are asleep, but honestly, his resilience never ceases to impress me. This just happened on Friday and already we took a family trip to the grocery store today. So, God is working. As for protecting my mental health I completely understand that, but I need to also understand that he has every right to feel the way he does and I need to walk in my forgiveness. Leaving him and my children would only cause more guilt than I already feel.

It sounds like you are going as God leads you. God is leading your husband too.