Opening Up: An Offensive Term?

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Cabby said:
Phew! Yes.. to have been interested in, and now to not see much of the person interested in you is just...strange to me.
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"Strange" doesn't even begin to describe it.

It's also very painful, and I'll explain why in a moment.

Cabby said:
It seems you are like my male counterpart! Haha. I wish the best for you honestly, it is soo frustrating.
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It seems like you're handling it better than I am because I honestly can't even joke or laugh about such matters. These types of things truly trouble me greatly, and you'll understand why in a moment.

Cabby said:
I believe if a person is open, I wouldn't really have to guess most of the time.. unless I'm missing something.
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Here's where the real pain and heartache set in.

In all seriousness, I must be the worst guesser to have ever walked the face of this earth. When I know or at least have some sort of inkling what is going on in the heart of a woman that I am interested in, then I'm truly the most caring, kind, patient, compassionate, thoughtful, you name it, man on the face of the earth. When I don't know what's going on inside of a woman, then I invariably ask the wrong questions or make the wrong guesses, and I wind up looking like the bad guy or like an absolute jerk or idiot, and there goes the person who I truly cared about or whose heart I was truly interested in knowing more about.

It's happened to me time and time and time and time again...and it truly breaks my heart.

Well, it is what it is, I guess.

Again, my default position which may or may not be true is simply this:

If the time ever comes that I'm the right guy, then the woman will want to tell me what's in her heart, and I'll be the happiest man alive.

(The bear lowers his head, turns, and heads further back into the woods...)
 
Live4Him3 said:
"Strange" doesn't even begin to describe it.

It's also very painful, and I'll explain why in a moment.

It seems like you're handling it better than I am because I honestly can't even joke or laugh about such matters. These types of things truly trouble me greatly, and you'll understand why in a moment.

Here's where the real pain and heartache set in.

In all seriousness, I must be the worst guesser to have ever walked the face of this earth. When I know or at least have some sort of inkling what is going on in the heart of a woman that I am interested in, then I'm truly the most caring, kind, patient, compassionate, thoughtful, you name it, man on the face of the earth. When I don't know what's going on inside of a woman, then I invariably ask the wrong questions or make the wrong guesses, and I wind up looking like the bad guy or like an absolute jerk or idiot, and there goes the person who I truly cared about or whose heart I was truly interested in knowing more about.

It's happened to me time and time and time and time again...and it truly breaks my heart.

Well, it is what it is, I guess.

Again, my default position which may or may not be true is simply this:

If the time ever comes that I'm the right guy, then the woman will want to tell me what's in her heart, and I'll be the happiest man alive.

(The bear lowers his head, turns, and heads further back into the woods...)
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Thank you for sharing your experience, that is something hard for people to really speak about, and for good reason. You seem to be a really kind hearted person and I am more than sure that you deserve an openness that is as loving and as warm as you seem to give it. Forgive my ways of handling these situations. The hurt will come in a wave and after it's gone, I become more lighthearted about it but it's also a seemingly cold way of approaching it afterwards, so please forgive my way of responding. I suppose it's my own way of coping and pushing myself along.
The part where you mentioned that you end up feeling like the bad guy, rings true for me as well. Just know that you've done nothing wrong in those situations where genuine interest of a person with little info, turns into a completely skewed idea of someone in another persons mind. Even though it's hard to accept that you've done nothing wrong if it has happened over and over again.
You are not the problem.

Thank you again for sharing and for your openness on something as difficult as this. It's a damaging thing.. as it reoccurs, it slowly chips away at a person over and over again.. but we try to keep going as best as we can, with what little pieces of us are left.

Big hugs to you and know you're not alone in this.
 
Cabby said:
Thank you for sharing your experience, that is something hard for people to really speak about, and for good reason. You seem to be a really kind hearted person and I am more than sure that you deserve an openness that is as loving and as warm as you seem to give it. Forgive my ways of handling these situations. The hurt will come in a wave and after it's gone, I become more lighthearted about it but it's also a seemingly cold way of approaching it afterwards, so please forgive my way of responding. I suppose it's my own way of coping and pushing myself along.
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There's no need for you to apologize.

Believe me, I have a very active sense of humor myself, and it's oftentimes a sort of defense mechanism to offset genuine pain.

That said, I'm wont to say that "God's grace is sufficient", and it truly is.

There's definitely a supernatural grace of God which has kept me in one piece (or many broken pieces somehow held together) for this long a period of time.

Most of the time, I'm quite strong.

My heart is just a bit battered at the moment.

Cabby said:
The part where you mentioned that you end up feeling like the bad guy, rings true for me as well. Just know that you've done nothing wrong in those situations where genuine interest of a person with little info, turns into a completely skewed idea of someone in another persons mind. Even though it's hard to accept that you've done nothing wrong if it has happened over and over again.

You are not the problem.

Thank you again for sharing and for your openness on something as difficult as this. It's a damaging thing.. as it reoccurs, it slowly chips away at a person over and over again.. but we try to keep going as best as we can, with what little pieces of us are left.

Big hugs to you and know you're not alone in this.
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I honestly do know that I'm not the problem, and that assurance comes primarily from God himself. After all, he's the one who fashioned me to be this way over a long period of time, and it took a lot of repenting and humbling of myself before God to attain such a heart.

In fact, when I first got saved many years ago, God dropped the following poem into my spirit one day while I was showering:

https://christianchat.com/christian-poems-poetry/a-christians-prayer.197919/

As I look back upon my life, that poem/prayer seems to be a God-given blueprint for my life, and that's what makes it so confusing.

In other words, why teach someone about love if it's just going to elude them for the entirety of their life?

The only potential positive that I've ever been able to see in any of this is that I have a much better understanding of God's grief towards those who have rejected him and his love for them.

Anyhow, like I said earlier, most of the time, I'm quite strong, or, more specifically, quite strong in the Lord and the power of his might.

I just couldn't believe that you started this thread when you did. The timing was just too perfect, as if it was a God-send, and I had to say a thing or to.

In a sense, it's been therapeutic, so, again, you have nothing at all to apologize for.

Have a blessed day in the Lord.
 
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Cabby said:
I recently told someone near to me about how I wish they would open up more to me, communicate more, and let me take a peak into what is going on in their head because I feel as if I get less information compared to their friends. It comes from a genuine place of interest and a want to know this person better.

In response to my questioning, I am told by this person that to the people who ask them this question, it's lazy to ask such a thing.. that people should put in more work to figure out which parts are the open parts, because to them they are open all the time, and to basically be okay with what is given. It is seen by this person, that the people are putting all the workload on them to have all the information handed out. Also saying that people should take account for their history and background of how they have many things they are ashamed of and wish to go by their own terms saying, "If it happens, it happens."
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"It's lazy to ask such a thing..."

"People should put in more work..."

"Putting all the workload on them..."

I'm sorry, but this type of terminology raises all sorts of red flags for me.

Why should wanting to know what is in someone's heart or mind be considered "work"?

If this person isn't freely and willingly sharing this type of information with you, then there are definitely reasons why.

Based upon what you've described here, it seems to me that this person is basically telling you the following:

"Hey, you're going to have to put in a lot of work to get to know me better, and, oh, by the way, the end result of all your labor is going to be that what you're presently getting is all that you're ever going to get in that I'm presently as "open" as I'm ever going to be with you."

Why bother laboring then?

Personally, I'd run from a person like this, and especially if you're truly getting less information about him than his friends are getting. if he's telling them more than he's telling you, or if he's granting them more access into his true inner self than you, then you're obviously not as important to him as they are.

This person seemingly doesn't want you knowing more about him than you presently do, and he's trying to make you feel guilty for desiring to know more about him on top of that. Whenever anyone tries to make you feel guilty for something that isn't even wrong, there is a serious problem there.

I'm praying that God gives you wisdom on how to proceed in this ...or wisdom on how not to proceed.
 
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Cabby said:
Hey everyone, I'm not sure if this topic has been discussed before here or if it will even gain much interest. But I figure I would start it anyways.
I recently told someone near to me about how I wish they would open up more to me, communicate more, and let me take a peak into what is going on in their head because I feel as if I get less information compared to their friends. It comes from a genuine place of interest and a want to know this person better.

In response to my questioning, I am told by this person that to the people who ask them this question, it's lazy to ask such a thing.. that people should put in more work to figure out which parts are the open parts, because to them they are open all the time, and to basically be okay with what is given. It is seen by this person, that the people are putting all the workload on them to have all the information handed out. Also saying that people should take account for their history and background of how they have many things they are ashamed of and wish to go by their own terms saying, "If it happens, it happens."
(I tried to summarize this as best as I can, and may have left out a couple more points or lack explaination as I am trying to keep this as general as possible without specific instances and such)

Coming from someone who has had trouble with social interaction and never really put much thought into it, I never saw it this way. I do not disagree that it's okay to go by a person's own terms for when they feel comfortable enough to open up. Though, in my case, I am considered much closer to this person versus the friends of many years and yet I feel as though I do not recieve as much "openess" as these friends.
Maybe I am being selfish and impatient with them? I admit I never took into consideration the hardships they went through and never thought it was an issue to be asked to open up or to be told that a person wishes to know someone more. I never want to force anyone to "open up," but I realize that maybe that's exactly what I was asking of them.
I am curious if my reaction to this at first, which was shocked because it's such a simple question that I didn't expect to hold so much weight to it, is out of a very simple understanding of this and I should have known it to be more than what I believed it to be/mean, or maybe it was an expected response to some people.

How would you react if someone were to ask you to "open up" more? Would you be offended or would you find no problem with it, or somewhere in between?
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Depends on the context. Do you trust the person? Why are they asking? There are things that only God knows about my past and I've never felt inclined to tell anyone. I don't believe that there is any point.

Often, a person has to open up in order to be set free. (James 5:16). We all need wisdom as to how deal with issues.
 
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Hi Cabby, welcome to Christian Chat.

The cold, hard, facts of your situation may be that the person you're interested in getting to know better is not liking you as much as he likes your other friends. He seems to be giving you a hint by not including you in with his closest friends. In my opinion it's best to recognise that, as hurtful as it is, and move on. Better to find someone that will like you, than to be held at arms length by someone that doesn't show the same interest in the relationship that you have. Staying in a lopsided relationship that you are not bound by is a negative, and will likely do damage to your self esteem. Your emotions will be trodden on.
 
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TheNarrowPath said:
Hi Cabby, I do find it lazy when people say that. Because if you wanted to genuinely know someone, wouldnt you ask specific questions to find out more about them? Like who was your favourite teacher at elementary? Not generic questions like can you open up with me a bit more? I wouldnt necessarily be offended but Id have a feeling of read my autobiography which sounds defensive but its not. Its just filtering out the time wasters. Take your time getting to know someone, what is the rush? You dont want them on the back foot.
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Problem with this thinking is faulty logic. The assumption that they don't ask = lazy/time waster is judgemental. I am not a person that's good at asking lots of questions. They simply don't occur to me. In fact I usually tell people I get to know not to wait for me to ask questions, but to go ahead and share.
So this issue isn't that I'm lazy or don't care, the issue is that questions simply don't come to mind.
And when people do choose to open up to me they find I become quite invested, listen well and often have solid advice.

I find many don't care about knowing people better, everything's very surface and superficial, so if someone takes the time to express an interest in me to share that puts them many steps ahead of most others. And I consider that a good sign.
 
Subhumanoidal said:
I find many don't care about knowing people better, everything's very surface and superficial, so if someone takes the time to express an interest in me to share that puts them many steps ahead of most others. And I consider that a good sign.
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This is so true.

I'm not easily offended, but the one thing that I literally abhor is superficiality or pretense.

As hard as it is to walk away when you recognize the same, it's best to just do so.
 
Cabby said:
Hey everyone, I'm not sure if this topic has been discussed before here or if it will even gain much interest. But I figure I would start it anyways.
I recently told someone near to me about how I wish they would open up more to me, communicate more, and let me take a peak into what is going on in their head because I feel as if I get less information compared to their friends. It comes from a genuine place of interest and a want to know this person better.

In response to my questioning, I am told by this person that to the people who ask them this question, it's lazy to ask such a thing.. that people should put in more work to figure out which parts are the open parts, because to them they are open all the time, and to basically be okay with what is given. It is seen by this person, that the people are putting all the workload on them to have all the information handed out. Also saying that people should take account for their history and background of how they have many things they are ashamed of and wish to go by their own terms saying, "If it happens, it happens."
(I tried to summarize this as best as I can, and may have left out a couple more points or lack explaination as I am trying to keep this as general as possible without specific instances and such)

Coming from someone who has had trouble with social interaction and never really put much thought into it, I never saw it this way. I do not disagree that it's okay to go by a person's own terms for when they feel comfortable enough to open up. Though, in my case, I am considered much closer to this person versus the friends of many years and yet I feel as though I do not recieve as much "openess" as these friends.
Maybe I am being selfish and impatient with them? I admit I never took into consideration the hardships they went through and never thought it was an issue to be asked to open up or to be told that a person wishes to know someone more. I never want to force anyone to "open up," but I realize that maybe that's exactly what I was asking of them.
I am curious if my reaction to this at first, which was shocked because it's such a simple question that I didn't expect to hold so much weight to it, is out of a very simple understanding of this and I should have known it to be more than what I believed it to be/mean, or maybe it was an expected response to some people.

How would you react if someone were to ask you to "open up" more? Would you be offended or would you find no problem with it, or somewhere in between?
Click to expand...
I find telling people you're available to be open to more effective than telling them you want them to be open. Something about telling that to people closes them off, in my experience.
I suspect it makes them feel pressured to share. And no one wants to feel pressured to share. But letting them know they are free to share leaves the choice up to them, while letting them know you're available and interested in listening and learning.

Though I will admit your friends response seems rather over the top. It seems to me they hold things back on purpose to make people work for their affection. To a degree this is healthy, but after a point it seems manipulative and insecure. More like they are seeking validation of their worth by how hard people are willing to work to get to know them.
Friendship shouldn't be a job, it should be natural and mutual. Once you show yourself to be trustworthy and the kind of person to open up to, that should be it.

Ironically I find people that expect so much from others unwilling to put in the same effort to get to know others. It's typically one sided, and those are the worst friendships.

Another thought is perhaps your perception as to the level of friendship you share is not the same as their perception.
 
Subhumanoidal said:
Problem with this thinking is faulty logic. The assumption that they don't ask = lazy/time waster is judgemental. I am not a person that's good at asking lots of questions. They simply don't occur to me. In fact I usually tell people I get to know not to wait for me to ask questions, but to go ahead and share.
So this issue isn't that I'm lazy or don't care, the issue is that questions simply don't come to mind.
And when people do choose to open up to me they find I become quite invested, listen well and often have solid advice.

I find many don't care about knowing people better, everything's very surface and superficial, so if someone takes the time to express an interest in me to share that puts them many steps ahead of most others. And I consider that a good sign.
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Not really. You just cant call everything judgemental. Or by your words you are being judgemental by stating many dont care about knowing people better. You are expecting the other person to be invested in you equally at the same pace and time. Its not how most people work. I dont think her friend is not invested in her. I think her friend needs time to learn to trust her. Nothing wrong with that. Of course she can choose to go her own way or be patience with him. It does not sound to me like he does not care for her. It sounds like his friends know more about him because hes known them longer and thats how it is with me.
 
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Subhumanoidal said:
Once you show yourself to be trustworthy and the kind of person to open up to, that should be it.
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Thats the point - he needs to find her trustworthy on his own time. Of course he could be playing her but I dont think its that.
 
Some folks just arent "open".

There is nothing wrong with letting a relationship grow and learn about folks over due time.

If someone other than my wife said something like "open up" or "be more open" to me. Id probably laugh at them.

What would that person want? I mean as a man this is it. What you see is what you get.
 
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Cabby said:
How would you react if someone were to ask you to "open up" more? Would you be offended or would you find no problem with it, or somewhere in between?
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It would depend on how the person asked. The tone of voice, and body language, would all play a part in how I would react. Also what kind of relationship I have with that person would make a difference too.
 
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