What to tell fiance about previous immorality?

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SCGuy33

Guest
#1
#1
I am currently engaged to be married and have been with my fiance for a little over 2 years. Prior to meeting her, I was involved in immorality. Although I was a Christian at the time, I did stumble and sin. I knew it was wrong and that I shouldn't do it, but I did it anyway. My fiance is a virgin. I never knew when would be appropriate to bring it up with my fiance. It certainly didn't seem like a first date kind of topic. However, after we'd been together for a few months I wondered if I told her then if she'd get miffed and wonder why I didn't tell her at the outset. I feel like I need to tell her, but I'm not sure if this is something worth breaking up over or if it's something that other Chrisitian couples deal with and work past. Also, if/when I do bring the topic up, I don't know how much detail to share. Is it enough to say "I've sinned and had sex before" or do I need to tell how many times etc???
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#2
#2
Have you led her to believe you were a virgin the past couple of years? If that's what she is expecting, it would be right to tell her that you are not, but there would be no benefit to going into more detail than that. People have loose lips and she may find out from someone else, especially as she is around your family/friends more and more. I would imagine it would be difficult for her to trust you if that happened.

I would encourage you to pray about it, but you probably already are. :)
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#3
#3
SCGuy33 said:
I am currently engaged to be married and have been with my fiance for a little over 2 years. Prior to meeting her, I was involved in immorality. Although I was a Christian at the time, I did stumble and sin. I knew it was wrong and that I shouldn't do it, but I did it anyway. My fiance is a virgin. I never knew when would be appropriate to bring it up with my fiance. It certainly didn't seem like a first date kind of topic. However, after we'd been together for a few months I wondered if I told her then if she'd get miffed and wonder why I didn't tell her at the outset. I feel like I need to tell her, but I'm not sure if this is something worth breaking up over or if it's something that other Chrisitian couples deal with and work past. Also, if/when I do bring the topic up, I don't know how much detail to share. Is it enough to say "I've sinned and had sex before" or do I need to tell how many times etc???
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Im curious also what she has believed these past two years about your sexual history.

If you have led her on to believe that you are a virgin since you two have been dating, then yes i would see that as a break up issue you when you suddenly announce OH, by the way...........


You should tell her asap. Im wondering how two years have gone by, the two of you are now engaged and why you have not been up front with her about this.

Telling her a bunch of details about your sexual escapades might be upsetting to her, so i probably would just leave it at the, I've had sex before.

You know thinking about it, im wondering now why she agreed to marry you knowing nothing about your sexual past at all... There is no way i would agree to marry someone not knowing anything about that aspect of their life. It's like walking into a marriage blind.

Yeah something is totally off about all this.
 
M

Matthew

Guest
#4
#4
Having been 2 years it seems like you've been putting off this conversation, but you seem to realise it is one you need to have.

As far as details go, I think you need to take your cues from her, if you have something to confess and she doesn't because she's a virgin I think you ought to be prepared to tell her however much or little she needs or wants to know in order to be able to deal with it and get past it.

She may not want anything more than the basic admittance of sexual activites, but she might want to know more to understand just how much experience you have and so what difference there will be between you when your first time together eventually comes.

If it goes that way it'll surely be a highly uncomfortable conversation for yourself, but that's just the way it goes.

Best of luck with it.
 
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SCGuy33

Guest
#5
#5
The topic has never really come up, so I've never said one way or the other if I'm a virgin. I know she assumes (at least I assume she does) that I'm a virgin as well. I never brought it up b/c it's just a part of my life that I'm ashamed of and would rather just leave it in the past. I confessed it to God long ago and asked forgiveness. She truly does love me and I feel pretty confident that although she'll be very disappointed she'll stick with me. However, I just don't know how it'll strike her...maybe it'll hit her like a ton of bricks and she'll dump me on the spot. We've been through a lot in our 2 years together...numerous family issues, deaths, etc...so I feel like we are pretty strong. Just don't know...
 
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Matthew

Guest
#6
#6
SCGuy33 said:
She truly does love me and I feel pretty confident that although she'll be very disappointed she'll stick with me. However, I just don't know how it'll strike her...maybe it'll hit her like a ton of bricks and she'll dump me on the spot. We've been through a lot in our 2 years together...numerous family issues, deaths, etc...so I feel like we are pretty strong. Just don't know...
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I understand your fears, I really do, but you have to realise that not talking about something you fear will destroy your relationship IS what will eventually destroy it if you don't.

You just need to to do it, and I'd suggest not spending too much time thinking about it, do it, then it's done, and you can set about having a marriage without any secrets.
 
I

IQ

Guest
#7
#7
SCGuy33 said:
The topic has never really come up, so I've never said one way or the other if I'm a virgin. I know she assumes (at least I assume she does) that I'm a virgin as well. I never brought it up b/c it's just a part of my life that I'm ashamed of and would rather just leave it in the past. I confessed it to God long ago and asked forgiveness. She truly does love me and I feel pretty confident that although she'll be very disappointed she'll stick with me. However, I just don't know how it'll strike her...maybe it'll hit her like a ton of bricks and she'll dump me on the spot. We've been through a lot in our 2 years together...numerous family issues, deaths, etc...so I feel like we are pretty strong. Just don't know...
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It time and past time to talk about it. Have you been to pre-marital counseling at your church? It's good practice, and most pastors provide it. This is generally a topic that is covered and can be dealt with in a 'safe' environment. No guarantees of course. You can also talk with your pastor privately and tell him what you are dealing with, perhaps he would be willing to walk you through it.
You do realize that when all is said and done, it will be harder for you to adjust to married sex than it will be for her. I know this from experience, a virgin has no expectations, you will - and the sooner they are got rid of the better. It shall be what it is and if you want a happy marriage, you will accept it for what it is.
 
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SCGuy33

Guest
#8
#8
IQ said:
It time and past time to talk about it. Have you been to pre-marital counseling at your church? It's good practice, and most pastors provide it. This is generally a topic that is covered and can be dealt with in a 'safe' environment. No guarantees of course. You can also talk with your pastor privately and tell him what you are dealing with, perhaps he would be willing to walk you through it.
You do realize that when all is said and done, it will be harder for you to adjust to married sex than it will be for her. I know this from experience, a virgin has no expectations, you will - and the sooner they are got rid of the better. It shall be what it is and if you want a happy marriage, you will accept it for what it is.
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I'm not THAT experienced, so I'm not too worried about the expectations for sex in marriage. The ONLY thing I associate with my previous experience is guilt, shame and remorse, so I have to think it will be so much better within marriage. My only hope is that she'll realize I'm the same guy she's been with all along.
 
Henry_YZ

Henry_YZ

Banned
#9
Jul 13, 2009
152
4
0
#9
SCGuy33 said:
I am currently engaged to be married and have been with my fiance for a little over 2 years. Prior to meeting her, I was involved in immorality. Although I was a Christian at the time, I did stumble and sin. I knew it was wrong and that I shouldn't do it, but I did it anyway. My fiance is a virgin. I never knew when would be appropriate to bring it up with my fiance. It certainly didn't seem like a first date kind of topic. However, after we'd been together for a few months I wondered if I told her then if she'd get miffed and wonder why I didn't tell her at the outset. I feel like I need to tell her, but I'm not sure if this is something worth breaking up over or if it's something that other Chrisitian couples deal with and work past. Also, if/when I do bring the topic up, I don't know how much detail to share. Is it enough to say "I've sinned and had sex before" or do I need to tell how many times etc???
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She should be with you for who you truely are. Would you be with someone if she carried a hidden agenda? She deserves to know everything, just like you deserve complete honesty as well.
The most important thing you can also tell her is that you repented from your inmorality. We can always commit faults, but the most important thing is to repent. Hopefully she'll understand and you can both build a stronger foundation on your relationship.
 
R

rainacorn

Guest
#10
#10
Unless you have an STD or a child she doesn't know about, I don't know why you would need to talk about it at all.

The past is the past. If it won't affect your future, then just let it go. I don't see it as being super relevant, personally.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#11
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
4,316
113
#11
The nice thing about being a guy is that you can totally lie about being a virgin because there's no way to prove you're lying. Women on the other hand, don't have it that easy...
 
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rainacorn

Guest
#12
#12
zeroturbulence said:
The nice thing about being a guy is that you can totally lie about being a virgin because there's no way to prove you're lying. Women on the other hand, don't have it that easy...
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I disagree. Perhaps in some cultures they actually check a woman to see if she is a virgin or maybe a dude is creepy and slutty enough to know what a virgin is supposed to 'feel like', but I don't believe that under normal circumstances a dude would know the difference.
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#13
#13
lying..what a great foundation to build a marriage on....
 
Pheonix

Pheonix

Senior Member
#14
Jan 17, 2007
578
7
18
#14
Maybe someone has already mentioned this, but If this subject is a deal breaker for her, then as much as it will hurt, its better to find out now rather than after you are married. besides If you don't trust her to accept you and your mistakes, then why are you marrying her?
 
H

hikerki

Guest
#15
#15
Personally, I think you need to tell her. From my past relationship, he told me about his past. He kept putting it off, but eventually he was encouraged by other men in the church to tell me. I think that if she loves you, it will be okay! She should love you for who you are. :) Honesty is key. If I married a guy and found out something like this after we were married I would be very hurt that he did not feel comfortable enough with me to tell me sooner.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#16
#16
If you can't talk to her about something that happened in your past that you've long since changed about yourself , then either she's a problem in that you feel you can't say things to her, or you have a problem in that you are not able to communicate. Sounds to me more likely its on your end. If i were you i'd really think how ready you are to be married if you can't have a simple discussion over the course of years. If you ask me the thing you most screwed up isn't that you had sex.. its that you got engaged, have been engaged and not chosen to share it with your virgin girlfriend before getting engaged. I imagine that will be a harder blow to her than the initial fact.
 
Megatron

Megatron

Banned
#17
May 6, 2011
640
2
0
#17
rainacorn said:
I disagree. Perhaps in some cultures they actually check a woman to see if she is a virgin or maybe a dude is creepy and slutty enough to know what a virgin is supposed to 'feel like', but I don't believe that under normal circumstances a dude would know the difference.
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No, im pretty sure a guy with any experience would realize something was up...though for a virgin guy he might have no idea...
 
VikkiKate89

VikkiKate89

Banned
#19
Jul 24, 2010
829
7
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#19
SCGuy33 said:
I am currently engaged to be married and have been with my fiance for a little over 2 years. Prior to meeting her, I was involved in immorality. Although I was a Christian at the time, I did stumble and sin. I knew it was wrong and that I shouldn't do it, but I did it anyway. My fiance is a virgin. I never knew when would be appropriate to bring it up with my fiance. It certainly didn't seem like a first date kind of topic. However, after we'd been together for a few months I wondered if I told her then if she'd get miffed and wonder why I didn't tell her at the outset. I feel like I need to tell her, but I'm not sure if this is something worth breaking up over or if it's something that other Chrisitian couples deal with and work past. Also, if/when I do bring the topic up, I don't know how much detail to share. Is it enough to say "I've sinned and had sex before" or do I need to tell how many times etc???
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You should just start by telling her that you've made mistakes in the past and that you're not a virgin, and then answer whatever questions she has. But be prepared to have to answer, "Why are you just now telling me this?"
 
VikkiKate89

VikkiKate89

Banned
#20
Jul 24, 2010
829
7
0
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#20
zeroturbulence said:
The nice thing about being a guy is that you can totally lie about being a virgin because there's no way to prove you're lying. Women on the other hand, don't have it that easy...
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Trust me, we can tell easily enough.
 
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