Court me, Court me Not..

[Gojira]

Sometimes you have to read minds .
I'm not into missionary dating, that is dating the lost, it's ok to talk. Just lead the gal to Christ and get her to your church.
When/ if she gets baptized, then continue to get aquatinted and consider her a potential marriage prospect. Just guard your heart until that happens. That's my 2¢ and best wishes for a beauty and the beast romance.

Would never work for me. I'm too hormonal. I'd need a woman I knew was saved and would be more likely to not provide any kind of sexual pressure.

 

[cinder]

I've often wondered if the main hindrance is distance.

I've met several people from this site in person over the years as friends, and the biggest hurdles were always saving the money to go and coordinating the times when everyone could get off work.

I've know many, many people here who found someone special, but it often didn't get to meeting in person or, even if they did meet, couldn't be sustained because of distance and money, especially if it was international.

I'm going to piggyback off of this because I think Seoul is absolutely right about the distance thing. She and I have talked before about long distance relationships and I keep saying the bottom line of an LDR is .... at least one person will have to pretty much uproot their entire day to day life to make that relationship work out. So that's a much bigger issue to progress that relationship than if the two of you live in the same town. And for most of us, even moving an hour away would mean that we change where we go to church, what stores we shop at, what clubs or activities we regularly attend, etc.

That makes the relationship much more costly than if it's with someone who already lives in the same town and goes to your church and you already have some common life and community elements.

But the internet also spoils us with too much choice which leads to us not making any decision at all. If you know your options are hurry up and marry the best guy in town / a good enough guy, or get stuck in a marriage with someone you don't want to be with, or be alone, you're probably much more willing to overlook imperfections in the good enough guy and be glad you didn't get stuck with someone worse than if you think that you have access to millions of guys and a better one is just around the corner.

And then the last subtle thing I see is that we've kinda lost the art of the date. You can be dating someone without going out on many dates, but as men and women are around each other more socially the line between are we doing something just as friends or as a romantic outing has been blurred a bit (especially if you're trying to keep some physical boundaries).

So practical advice if you really want to be with someone, find the person you like most in your immediate surroundings and give them a fair chance. And find new ways to say what you want and express your intentions rather than relying on words that no longer have such clear meanings. Or there's always the option of being happily single and doing other stuff instead of navigating the minefield that is modern coupledom.

 

[Robertt]

I'm going to piggyback off of this because I think Seoul is absolutely right about the distance thing. She and I have talked before about long distance relationships and I keep saying the bottom line of an LDR is .... at least one person will have to pretty much uproot their entire day to day life to make that relationship work out.

So very very true. if the goal is to be married, then physical togetherness is a must. but if the goal is just friendship then the distance is not an issue.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Not THE priority, but ought to be A priority.

Huh... I think half of that reply is in the wrong thread.

So very sorry... Lol. I feel stupid now. Hahaha I don't have a clue as to how I conflated two threads.

 

[Robertt]

Huh... I think half of that reply is in the wrong thread.

So very sorry... Lol. I feel stupid now. Hahaha I don't have a clue as to how I conflated two threads.

threads are meant to be mixed.

 

[Mel85]

So practical advice if you really want to be with someone, find the person you like most in your immediate surroundings and give them a fair chance.

I agree with your post but wanted to highlight this specific comment because I’ve seen both side of the fence for this.

1. My good friend who lives in Australia was talking to a guy in USA via MSN messenger years ago and finally after a couple of months chatting he paid for her airfare to travel to California to meet him. They did a few back and forth traveling then finally wed. Unfortunately he passed away and now she’s a widower. So although she had plenty of options to choose from her current surroundings, she took the risk and decided to try outside of her surroundings. She said it was the chemistry on all levels that they had between themselves that separated him from the other guys.

2. I’m friends with a guy in USA who’s been trying all sorts of dating sites, apps, meet n greet - you name it. He’s attend local speed dating events and still no matches found or made. He is introvert which I think doesn’t help because of the shy aspect but now he’s considering international dating because he can’t find any matches or women interested in his own town let a lone state. It’s been frustrating for him but he has hope that God will match him someday.

 

[Mel85]

I don't know of anything unbiblical about the female making the first move. I sincerely hope it's not one of those "ships passing in the night" (slight pun intended) situations. My current excuse for that approach is it isn't really threatening for a female to reach out to a man but the reverse is to most females I've come across. Even asking to go to coffee (which is the most innocuous thing I can think of in person) is "too much".

So I tend to throw my hands up more often than not. Even platonic friendship it makes sense for the female to signify her intentions up front vs the man on the internet.


I get "why" people expect it to be the man that initiates biblically, I'm simply contending that it doesn't "have" to work that way...or I'm confused if so.



Most of it is probably distance and the fact that it's hard to "connect" like that online (for me at least).

I'm open to a regional singles camping trip or day hike/event someplace. Strictly platonic but with the an open door for romantic groundwork in a safe, accountable setting but I just don't think the interest is there. A good singles group is hard to find. I either get ones where people are super young and immature (early 20s) or too old (50+) and while I don't mind being around older people, it's a bit awkward and I feel a tad out of place.

Definitely sounds fun though to meet IRL just to see if any sparks happen. If nothing else it'd be potentially good fellowship.

Yea there’s nothing biblical but courting in the old days was an actual thing not adapted by all but, it happened. Culturally you could say that happens too when a man chooses to pursue a woman he will splash gifts food money towards the woman’s family. In the Tongan culture, the guy’s family would all chip in and deliver gifts money food to the girls house and ask her to marry him in front of everyone…. Sounds like a lot of pressure lol but it’s a culture thing.

 

[Mel85]

Just kidding Miss Mel85.
This just reminded me of this thread. ...
https://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/would-you-kiss-this-face.207011/

Well you let me know which is Prince Charming

 

[Mel85]

I'm sure there are some pm's going on romantic as well as friendship wise. Also I wonder when some people leave here if they have indeed found their mate through CC..
So I'm not looking but if I was I wouldn't be shy about casually getting to know someone. I'm twice a widow and my son's dad stays in contact but for those who yearn to be married seems like time is flying by. Another Thread idea is to say 'tell us if you want to get married and we'll pray you meet the perfect one God has for you', lol, with God all things are possible

Sis, go on and create that thread

 

[Mel85]

Pretty sure most people in the singles are introverted so you're going to have a lot of cat and mouse back and forth Tom and Jerry activity for a long time before anything happens.

Some of us (myself speaking) is in between those introvert and extrovert spectrums - I can be extrovert when I have to but naturally I’m a introvert person.

 

[Mel85]

I've often wondered if the main hindrance is distance.

I've met several people from this site in person over the years as friends, and the biggest hurdles were always saving the money to go and coordinating the times when everyone could get off work.

I've know many, many people here who found someone special, but it often didn't get to meeting in person or, even if they did meet, couldn't be sustained because of distance and money, especially if it was international.

Yes you’re so right, money plays a big factor on a long distance relationship or friendship. I had a long distance relationship and back then the money aspect of it wasn’t the problem, it was the physical aspect - in the end obviously didn’t work out mainly because of that part.

 

[Mel85]

Maybe the problem is people DO get to know each other pretty well, and they're like, "Nah, I'll just stay single."

Funny you say that, all my sisters are married and when I see full blown arguments or disagreements between them and their husbands, they turn around and say to me (jokingly) Mel, enjoy your singleness while you can lol.

 

[Mel85]

well sometimes God performs miracles and two people meet . And they dont even think they are starting a journey, and then they look around and realsie there is someone else on this journey.

All good love stories seem to start with Freindship. those friends share and they become Great special friends.. Then it is in the hands of God for where it goes. Especually when distance is involved due to meeting on internet.

So keep looking people, nothing wrong with looking, letting God know your wants. Adam did and God created a special friend to him.

I have been telling people for a long time I am so like Adam. needing someone. So i prayed and prayed, (which is just talking to God) and the most often prayer was "Lord i need sheep in my life not a goat not a wolf" and God decided he would perform that miracle and we made contact , not as a reachign out to make long term relationship, but rreached out to let the other know how we enjoyed each others posts. Ok she reached out first as i was so fearful of rejeciton. but the feeling within me let me know that this was a friend.

And when you respect one another and share more and more . suddenly you are friends, and the Love of a friend grows to the deeper love slowly slowly.

So i state honestly . i dont know where it going, how far. but i am enjoying the journey and will stick it out until the end. Hoefulyl God stays in the midst.

Not mentioning here name here, as it is between her and I. But so you all know. LOVE is in my heart for her.

I hope and pray all the best works out for you and her!!

 

[Mel85]

IMO, fear of rejection or commitment hinders a lot of peeps from pursuing a loving and enduring relationship. Fear of being burned in the process too. Pursuing a prospective relationship leading to marriage is a calculated risk. In my observation and experience, despite how it may play out, it is well worth the cost of admission. Shake the dice, let 'em fly, and let the chips fall where they may. It's all in the wrist (risk).

I often hear that phrase, “date to marry”, but then different people have different interpretations of “dating”.

If I’m honest with you, I am in that category of scared of rejection or being burned - but the older I get (lol) the less I worry about that and move on. I think life experiences help as well.

I always enjoy hearing about you and Darlenes story and just the amount of wisdom you give us Jerry - appreciate you brother.

 

[Mel85]

Nothing wrong with women initiating something serious

I 100% agree with you

 

[tourist]

I often hear that phrase, “date to marry”, but then different people have different interpretations of “dating”.

If I’m honest with you, I am in that category of scared of rejection or being burned - but the older I get (lol) the less I worry about that and move on. I think life experiences help as well.

I always enjoy hearing about you and Darlenes story and just the amount of wisdom you give us Jerry - appreciate you brother.

I appreciate you as well Mel and always enjoy reading your posts.

 

[Gojira]

Huh... I think half of that reply is in the wrong thread.

So very sorry... Lol. I feel stupid now. Hahaha I don't have a clue as to how I conflated two threads.

Heh so do I.

 

[Magenta]

I'm twice a widow and my son's dad stays in contact

How does that work? You got me curious

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I like it if a woman leaves hints so that the guy gets the queue that he won't get shot down if he tries to pursue. Unfortunately, too many women send signals that aren't signals. For example...

Met a woman at the gym several years back. Very attractive, down to earth, sweet, polite. Unsure of her spiritual situation. But, she made a point to tell me that she was single. Hugged me once, held my hand another time.

After talking to some brothers and one sister about this, I was advised to pursue her. The sister told me that she's definitely letting me know she's interested. Okay, this is coming from a woman. So....

I got shot down.

So when people tell me here that someone's interested, I take it with a grain of salt. If she speaks in some sort of code, yours truly's not going to get that. I'm fluent in English, not Womanglish.

Some people are naturally so friendly, and also physical (in a non-sexual way, and with no romantic intents) it comes across as being interested. Often to them their behavior is natural and they are unaware they're doing it.
It's not uncommon for men to take this as giving romantic intentions. Usually such women get hit on often as a result. So it makes sense that you, too, interpreted her behavior as such.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I think this is why women often make the first move when they are serious. Because men don't understand much outside of engraved invitations.

The woman at your gym threw out signals, she probably did so without conscious thought, but she definitely did. So your asking wasn't out of line.

Obviously mens and women's brains are different. And one way it's been proven is communication. Men tend to be more direct and focused when talking. Getting to the point and saying what he wants.
Women tend to come at things more sideways and indirect. Which works well when talking with other women, but when dealing with men it doesn't work near as well.
It's even been stated that to improve communication between a man and woman one change that the woman alone must make is she needs to talk more directly and speak her mind to a man. Mens brains are not wired to pick up the hints women drop, so in that particular area it falls on women to do all the work.

Funnily enough it seems men have two main takes on if a woman is interested or not. One is "she didn't say so, therefore she's not interested" and the other is "she's in my line of sight. She must be interested"