Wow thanks for the replies guys!
That is a very enightening reply sir, thank you! Believing i am who He says i am is very difficult for me with the things i have going on and the repetative willful sin i am stuck in. I guess i should elaborate and give my testimony.. Well, i have a lot going on and whilst i'm aware we all have a lot going on my life is actually extremely chaotic and full of self destructive behaviour. An abusive childhood, OCD, depression and self harm have all helped me put myself in a very dark place...
I am 35 now and have been a severe drug addict for well over a decade and generally using subtances for about 20 years total. This iniquity has brought nothing but chaos and misery and despite being a believer now i am still stuck in my addiction. In fact, i'm tempted to say things have become even harder since becoming a believer!! I won't go into too much detail regarding the chaos but as you can imagine it has been crazy and i have all kinds of things going on...
So, anyway, I was a mocker who believed basic science disproved Gods existence and one night in 2016 i found myself in a jail cell praying to a God i didn't even believe in out of pure desperation. I said "God if you exist and can help me out of this situation i promise to serve you for the rest of my life". I was released early the next morning and went on my way giving no more thought to this prayer. I had no intention of serving God as i didn't and couldn't believe He even exists as my belief in evolution was so strong... It was no more than 3 months after that night however that the penny dropped! I had all but forgotten that prayer and promise but i realised that during those 3 months i had begun to see the things God knew i needed to see for the deception to be lifted from my eyes and to be able to truly know God exists!! My whole worldview, a lifetime of false belief was upturned and I then realised that clearly God wasn't gonna allow me to make a promise to serve Him and then walk away not even believing in His existence so He gave me the eyes to see! Suddenly everywhere i looked i could see the beauty and wonders of creation!! This cannot be a coincidence, God MUST have lifted the deception from my eyes!! Anyway, this led me to finding out who this creator is and of course found that Jesus is the truth!!
Despite this, my addiction persists and my sinful ways continue and i do not know how to break free. I know He is real and I've called upon His name but my troubles have worsened. In what way will He give me rest? How will He free me from this mess? All these things were developed prior to being a believer but now i believe in Him it hasn't gotten any easier at all. I have an immense amount of questions but this post is getting awfully long so i will leave it there for now. Thank you for reading i look forward to any help and advice. God bless.
The night is always darkest just before dawn. I have a similar story, not quite as extreme as yours. I was born again 50 years ago. Before then, I was a drunk, nearly died from alcohol poisoning twice in two weeks, I was depressed and suicidal. I was not yet 21. My prayer consisted of "There must be more to life than this!"
Our problem is usually that we are focused on what we imagine is reality. Yes, we still suffer from bondages. I got drunk one more time after I was saved. I imagined that I could control my drinking now. I was perversely proud of my ability to drink. My liver was not so happy with me!
We need to know that we are not what we think or feel. This can only happen as the truth gets into our hearts and grows there. The truth is that Jesus is now your life. He is not your new set of rules or just your helper (although He does help). He lives in you to be in you all that God requires of you. One day I quit trying to be a good Christian. I told Jesus that it was all too hard for me. I said that if He wanted me to be victorious as a Christian, He would have to do it. I gave my whole life over to Him, nothing held back. That was hard for me. From that time on, things gradually changed. I am nothing like I used to be, as my fiancee will testify. I've known her for 40 years and she's seen the change.
Satan hates you and wants to render you ineffective as a Christian. He is a liar and destroyer. He accuses you before God. You need to know that you are forgiven and that the blood of Christ has paid for all your sin, including what you did a minute ago. Study God's word! Ask God to show you what His word means in experience. Theology saves no one. The truth sets us free.
I have to go, but I'm happy to help you any way I can.
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