My testimony, this is short and certainly many details are not included. Throughout my childhood we attended several different churches on and off, Baptist Methodist Assemblies of God, with many periods in between of not going to church. I spent many summers going to different vacation bible schools learning about Jesus. I was low middle class with few friends, very much alone, and often bullied. Joined the military and eventually retired from military. Have a wife of 32 years and three children. My family church life was much like that of my childhood, in and out of Word of Faith, then mainly baptist churches, again with long periods of no church until I felt overwhelmed with life and sought out God for help. Not currently in a church because I honestly don’t know who is preaching the true Gospel of Jesus. I watch Pastor Yankee Arnold and he has a burden for saving souls.
Many times I professed faith as a child and as an adult, felt good for a while, but eventually began to sin again, sins of all sorts listed in the Bible. These instances all left me wondering was I really saved, were these false professions, or was I saved and this just my natural sin nature winning over my new life in Christ, was I backslider or bound for hell. The past few years with my youngest have been extremely stressful to the point where I pray Jesus would return for his children immediately. I’ve been on my knees for months and years praying for Gods protection around my son before the stress overwhelms my wife and I. Even though I’ve been praying my child continues with bad choices of drugs, piercing, and tattoos. I am not saved and God doesn’t hear my prayers or is He working in my child’s life and I don’t know the plan? The thing is God has blessed my wife and I to not have material concerns for ourself, but our concern for the child brings us much grief, stress, and physical manifestations of various illnesses. I rarely sleep more than 4 or 5 hours per night for years with many nights of no sleep at all, just walking around the house all night.
Through it all I put on a fake smile at work and to the few friends I have, pretending I am ok. I am not ok. While I am on my knees every morning and studying the Bible, I still fall into sins. Not as much as in the past, but still sin and it worries me. Sometimes I have full assurance God has me in His hands, other times I feel like I am spiraling down and Jesus will tell me to depart from Him, ye worker of iniquity.
I’ve read many threads on here the last couple of days and to be blunt, only became confused with the arguments of Calvinism, once saved always saved, hyper grace, and others. I am seeking Jesus’s face and His throne of mercy. I want victory over my besetting sins, but is this even possible in this evil world.
I humbly ask anyone who is willing, to lift up my child, my wife, and me to God. I am sorry for rambling on and on, but I don’t know what to do, say, or feel.
Thank you so much.
Many times I professed faith as a child and as an adult, felt good for a while, but eventually began to sin again, sins of all sorts listed in the Bible. These instances all left me wondering was I really saved, were these false professions, or was I saved and this just my natural sin nature winning over my new life in Christ, was I backslider or bound for hell. The past few years with my youngest have been extremely stressful to the point where I pray Jesus would return for his children immediately. I’ve been on my knees for months and years praying for Gods protection around my son before the stress overwhelms my wife and I. Even though I’ve been praying my child continues with bad choices of drugs, piercing, and tattoos. I am not saved and God doesn’t hear my prayers or is He working in my child’s life and I don’t know the plan? The thing is God has blessed my wife and I to not have material concerns for ourself, but our concern for the child brings us much grief, stress, and physical manifestations of various illnesses. I rarely sleep more than 4 or 5 hours per night for years with many nights of no sleep at all, just walking around the house all night.
Through it all I put on a fake smile at work and to the few friends I have, pretending I am ok. I am not ok. While I am on my knees every morning and studying the Bible, I still fall into sins. Not as much as in the past, but still sin and it worries me. Sometimes I have full assurance God has me in His hands, other times I feel like I am spiraling down and Jesus will tell me to depart from Him, ye worker of iniquity.
I’ve read many threads on here the last couple of days and to be blunt, only became confused with the arguments of Calvinism, once saved always saved, hyper grace, and others. I am seeking Jesus’s face and His throne of mercy. I want victory over my besetting sins, but is this even possible in this evil world.
I humbly ask anyone who is willing, to lift up my child, my wife, and me to God. I am sorry for rambling on and on, but I don’t know what to do, say, or feel.
Thank you so much.
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