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Kinda lengthy but here is my story. Been saved since 2020 and was river baptized in June 2022 by my local church pastor John who has been a great encourager through my journey so far . This is my testimony.
In years past I lived a lifestyle full of sin from my teens ,20s and into my 30s. I was rebellious and was willingly disobedient to Gods ways.I had no interest in the things of God. I carry the scars of mental trauma from an emotionally and spiritually abusive mother. I was full of fear, living as a coward and a hypocrite. much of my life I’d tough guy pose like my Hollywood hero John Wayne. I’d identify as Christian culturally as many Americans do but my heart was far from Him. There was much negative internal dialogue in my mind. There was an internal attitude of self hatred towards just about every aspect of my life in the midst of which happened a string of early relationship failures that seemed to validate and grow that negative self image, the negative internal dialogue that grew more and more .I became cynical, resentful, envious, critical of anything less than perfection,lots of internal rage and hatred I’d keep bottled up inside. Sexual lust was rampant in my life . I was addicted to pornography much of my life which started at age 13. I liked to drink to deaden the pain and emptiness I felt inside. I was trying to chase something I could not find or really even name what I was chasing. I just knew I felt hollow, empty and dead. Things that should have broke my heart I was numb and indifferent to or worse I’d find humor in wicked things. I’d keep looking to my work or to sinful pleasures to try to fill that need or to try to forget what I felt as a miserable existence. I continued unchallenged in this mess for many years. No matter how much time and energy I had put into my work or engaged sinful behaviors like drinking, pornography, relationship idolatry, people pleasing, chasing the dollar ,it wasn’t filling me, nothing could satisfy the ache I felt. Nothing could fill the hollow empty, feeling I felt in my soul. As the years went by the stronger this ache got. I’d come home late from work, angry at the world, short tempered and had a hardened heart. Work had priority in my life over everything and family often got the scraps of my time and energy . Id be generally distant, checked out and dreaming of old days long gone that would never return , unwilling or at times felt too tired to engage my home relationships. I was failing to lead my family due to my passivity and was expecting them to come through for me when in fact I was expecting something from family that only God could do or be. When they couldn’t fill that need I’d get resentful and cold towards them. I had these sin strongholds of porn ,alcohol that had ahold of me much of my life.One day ,overwhelmed by my emptiness I began searching desperately for answers. It was a sheer miracle that I went to the Christian Bible and not something else. Too that point in my life I knew only of a cold dead formalism type religion but nothing of intimate relationship with the living God . In my desperation I landed on The book of Ecclesiastes chapter 1 and 2. Which is King Solomon’s words about a life separate from the one true and living God.The words jumped off the page at me and I realized that This ancient text was describing my life to the letter almost word for word. So being desperate for a solution or relief I began attending a local Jesus preaching church with my wife and son. It wasn’t long and I was feeling conviction in many areas of life that were in disobedience to God. so after a time of hiding my sin then wrestling with God, combined with the grief of losing my mom. God challenged me by way of a divine appointment with what I believe to be an angel or at the very least a human messenger calling me forth out of my carnal hypocritical life and into a deeper life with Christ. I came to the end of myself shortly after. I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ late one night on my knees, weeping and crying out for mercy to my creator begging Him prove to me that He existed. That night the spirit of the living God found me and I accepted him as my Lord and Savior . The next day I woke up and something was different inside me. I had this internal hope for life that wasn’t there before. The tormenting and condemning thoughts subsided and the sin strongholds lost their power over me and a willingness and resolve to fight against those temptations came. I lost the desire for the highs that pornography gave and the dulling sedation alcohol were trapping me with. God has done amazing work in my heart since then. It’s been an absolute blessing to be in relationship with Jesus as he has taken sin strongholds out of my life and given me renewed hope in him, im experiencing an internal peace, a bright eternal outlook on life I’ve never experienced.I Have a heart on fire for Gods word and seeking His heart, His love for me and His will for my life. I look forward to growing in the faith and continuing to be an obedient follower of Jesus Christ. I’ve since then Participated in a discipleship course towards becoming a biblically qualified Elder in the church body I’ve been called to. I’m learning the spiritual disciplines and God seems to be moving me in the direction of mens ministry encouraging men into biblical masculinity and He has given me a heart for the revivals. I’m an apprentice of Jesus’ learning His Way and in regular Church attendance at a local Protestant
non- denominational Church. And if you’re reading this far thanks and look forward to some great conversations with fellow Jesus people.
In years past I lived a lifestyle full of sin from my teens ,20s and into my 30s. I was rebellious and was willingly disobedient to Gods ways.I had no interest in the things of God. I carry the scars of mental trauma from an emotionally and spiritually abusive mother. I was full of fear, living as a coward and a hypocrite. much of my life I’d tough guy pose like my Hollywood hero John Wayne. I’d identify as Christian culturally as many Americans do but my heart was far from Him. There was much negative internal dialogue in my mind. There was an internal attitude of self hatred towards just about every aspect of my life in the midst of which happened a string of early relationship failures that seemed to validate and grow that negative self image, the negative internal dialogue that grew more and more .I became cynical, resentful, envious, critical of anything less than perfection,lots of internal rage and hatred I’d keep bottled up inside. Sexual lust was rampant in my life . I was addicted to pornography much of my life which started at age 13. I liked to drink to deaden the pain and emptiness I felt inside. I was trying to chase something I could not find or really even name what I was chasing. I just knew I felt hollow, empty and dead. Things that should have broke my heart I was numb and indifferent to or worse I’d find humor in wicked things. I’d keep looking to my work or to sinful pleasures to try to fill that need or to try to forget what I felt as a miserable existence. I continued unchallenged in this mess for many years. No matter how much time and energy I had put into my work or engaged sinful behaviors like drinking, pornography, relationship idolatry, people pleasing, chasing the dollar ,it wasn’t filling me, nothing could satisfy the ache I felt. Nothing could fill the hollow empty, feeling I felt in my soul. As the years went by the stronger this ache got. I’d come home late from work, angry at the world, short tempered and had a hardened heart. Work had priority in my life over everything and family often got the scraps of my time and energy . Id be generally distant, checked out and dreaming of old days long gone that would never return , unwilling or at times felt too tired to engage my home relationships. I was failing to lead my family due to my passivity and was expecting them to come through for me when in fact I was expecting something from family that only God could do or be. When they couldn’t fill that need I’d get resentful and cold towards them. I had these sin strongholds of porn ,alcohol that had ahold of me much of my life.One day ,overwhelmed by my emptiness I began searching desperately for answers. It was a sheer miracle that I went to the Christian Bible and not something else. Too that point in my life I knew only of a cold dead formalism type religion but nothing of intimate relationship with the living God . In my desperation I landed on The book of Ecclesiastes chapter 1 and 2. Which is King Solomon’s words about a life separate from the one true and living God.The words jumped off the page at me and I realized that This ancient text was describing my life to the letter almost word for word. So being desperate for a solution or relief I began attending a local Jesus preaching church with my wife and son. It wasn’t long and I was feeling conviction in many areas of life that were in disobedience to God. so after a time of hiding my sin then wrestling with God, combined with the grief of losing my mom. God challenged me by way of a divine appointment with what I believe to be an angel or at the very least a human messenger calling me forth out of my carnal hypocritical life and into a deeper life with Christ. I came to the end of myself shortly after. I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ late one night on my knees, weeping and crying out for mercy to my creator begging Him prove to me that He existed. That night the spirit of the living God found me and I accepted him as my Lord and Savior . The next day I woke up and something was different inside me. I had this internal hope for life that wasn’t there before. The tormenting and condemning thoughts subsided and the sin strongholds lost their power over me and a willingness and resolve to fight against those temptations came. I lost the desire for the highs that pornography gave and the dulling sedation alcohol were trapping me with. God has done amazing work in my heart since then. It’s been an absolute blessing to be in relationship with Jesus as he has taken sin strongholds out of my life and given me renewed hope in him, im experiencing an internal peace, a bright eternal outlook on life I’ve never experienced.I Have a heart on fire for Gods word and seeking His heart, His love for me and His will for my life. I look forward to growing in the faith and continuing to be an obedient follower of Jesus Christ. I’ve since then Participated in a discipleship course towards becoming a biblically qualified Elder in the church body I’ve been called to. I’m learning the spiritual disciplines and God seems to be moving me in the direction of mens ministry encouraging men into biblical masculinity and He has given me a heart for the revivals. I’m an apprentice of Jesus’ learning His Way and in regular Church attendance at a local Protestant
non- denominational Church. And if you’re reading this far thanks and look forward to some great conversations with fellow Jesus people.
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