Would you date or marry a separated or divorced person?

[presidente]

Would you date or marry someone who had been divorced? If so, under what conditions?

Would you date someone who was separated from their spouse? If so, under what conditions?

Some scripture for discussion and consideration.

Mark 10:11-12
11 And he said unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, commits adultery against her.
12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she commits adultery.
(KJ2000B)

Matthew 19:9
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her who is put away does commit adultery.
(KJ2000B)

I Corinthians 7
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
(KJ2000B)

Romans 7
7 Or do you not know, brethren (for I speak to those who know the law), that the law [a]has dominion over a man as long as he lives? 2 For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.
(NKJV)

 

[seoulsearch]

Would you date or marry someone who had been divorced? If so, under what conditions?

Would you date someone who was separated from their spouse? If so, under what conditions?

Some scripture for discussion and consideration.

Mark 10:11-12
11 And he said unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, commits adultery against her.
12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she commits adultery.
(KJ2000B)

Matthew 19:9
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her who is put away does commit adultery.
(KJ2000B)

I Corinthians 7
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
(KJ2000B)

Romans 7
7 Or do you not know, brethren (for I speak to those who know the law), that the law [a]has dominion over a man as long as he lives? 2 For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.
(NKJV)

As a divorced person herself who has been told by some members that I don't belong here in the Singles Forum, I have done countless hours of study on this subject in classes, with pastors, elders, and mentors, and of course, with my own personal Bible studies.

For myself, I have come to the conclusion that it would be something to be decided on between the people involved with much prayer and guidance from their spiritual elders, because each situation in unique, and there are usually things going on behind closed doors that you wouldn't tell the eager public who wants to judge from every angle.

For instance, I have known more than one Christian woman who felt trapped in a marriage in which their husband was sexually abusive (forcing them into sodomy, etc.) How many people would want that publicly known? I know there is a huge debate about abuse -- from how it's defined to how it should be handled and whether or not it is grounds for divorce or not, and this is why I think each situation has to be approached individually.

As for myself, my husband left for his girlfriend, then later they broke up and he wound up marrying someone else, so reconciliation will never be an option for me. And for whatever reason, God has kept me single for now. I kind of gave up on the whole dating scene and just figure, if it's God's will, I'm sure He will change things.

I've been given all kinds of opinions by others about whether or not I can date or remarry, but I believe it's up to God, and that He will direct me and (if there is a right person) in the way to go if or when the time ever comes.

And I would want to show the same courtesy and consideration to anyone else who has gone through or is going through similar things.

 

[MsMediator]

I would never consider dating a man who is separated, as he is still legally married.

Personally, I prefer to marry never-married guys without a lot of prior serious relationships, as we'll be in the same boat and I'll be able to relate to him more. However, such guys are rare as one gets older. With divorced guys, I'd have to know the reasons and have to be sure if he has processed, mourned, and is over the prior marriage. Ultimately, I'd have to make sure that he learned from his prior marriage, tried all he could to save the prior marriage, and has no romantic feelings towards his prior spouse.

 

[tourist]

Yes, I would marry a divorced woman and I have. There were no conditions. It is best to see the person as they now are and not so much what they were.

 

[Gojira]

Would you date or marry someone who had been divorced? If so, under what conditions?

Would you date someone who was separated from their spouse? If so, under what conditions?

Some scripture for discussion and consideration.

Mark 10:11-12
11 And he said unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, commits adultery against her.
12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she commits adultery.
(KJ2000B)

Matthew 19:9
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her who is put away does commit adultery.
(KJ2000B)

I Corinthians 7
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
(KJ2000B)

Romans 7
7 Or do you not know, brethren (for I speak to those who know the law), that the law [a]has dominion over a man as long as he lives? 2 For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.
(NKJV)

Yeah, based on these scriptures, I'd date a Biblically divorced woman. One who is separated is not Biblically available.

(Did you know that in the OT, a woman could divorce her husband if he refused her 'marital rights'? Whoa.)

 

[presidente]

Yeah, based on these scriptures, I'd date a Biblically divorced woman. One who is separated is not Biblically available.

(Did you know that in the OT, a woman could divorce her husband if he refused her 'marital rights'? Whoa.)

What scripture do you have in mind? Where does Jesus provide a scenario where a woman may divorce a man and remarry or that the man who marries her is guilt-free?

The Old Testament did not allow women to divorce men, but a man was required to give a wife (or concubine in that passage) food clothing and sex. I read that the authorities in Jewish communities could try to pressure a man who wasn't living up to his duties to issue the bill of divorcement.

Matthew 19, Mark 10, etc. must have been a surprising scenario for the disciples. Shammai Pharisees were strict about divorce, and Hillel Pharisees were looser about it... but to use the word for adultery to describe divorce and remarriage was probably shocking and got the response 'If such be the case with the man and his wife it is better for a man not to marry.'

The Pharisees treated part of the Deuteronomy 24 passage like a command. Jesus responded that Moses because of the hardness of their hearts allowed divorce.

I wonder if that is what the NIV is trying to capture in the way it renders Deuteronomy 24.

Deuteronomy 24
24 If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.
(NIV)

Under these conditions, the first husband is commanded not to marry her again after she has been defiled. The Pharisees were treating the giving of the marriage certificate as a command. Hillel Pharisees focused on 'displeasing', and following Hillel, included burning the meal as a reason. The Shammai Pharisees focused on 'something indecent' and would allow divorce for adultery or some other grave offense along those lines.

The Lord's teachings were more similar, IMO, to Shammai's on this particular topic, but the Lord Jesus used the word 'adultery.'

 

[presidente]

I would never consider dating a man who is separated, as he is still legally married.

Personally, I prefer to marry never-married guys without a lot of prior serious relationships, as we'll be in the same boat and I'll be able to relate to him more. However, such guys are rare as one gets older. With divorced guys, I'd have to know the reasons and have to be sure if he has processed, mourned, and is over the prior marriage. Ultimately, I'd have to make sure that he learned from his prior marriage, tried all he could to save the prior marriage, and has no romantic feelings towards his prior spouse.

I would imagine women who 'stay on the market' longer have it tougher in some ways in finding a never-married guy, just statistically speaking. Men seem to have more options at marrying a younger woman. Women tend to prefer men around their own age or older to a greater extent than women do. A 40-year-old man who had his life together, was a leader, had accomplished stuff in his life has done things that might appeal to a younger women. Women probably don't get as much credit or esteem for that stuff from men looking for wives. There is also looks and fertility issues. Men tend to value youthful looks in a woman and men tend to remain fertile in their 40's and 50's.

But as they age single women who want to marry could put herself in scenarios where she is around widowers who were faithful on their first marriage, if they can figure out how to find them.

 

[Lynx]

Would you date or marry someone who had been divorced? If so, under what conditions?

Would you date someone who was separated from their spouse? If so, under what conditions?

Some scripture for discussion and consideration.

Mark 10:11-12
11 And he said unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, commits adultery against her.
12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she commits adultery.
(KJ2000B)

Matthew 19:9
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her who is put away does commit adultery.
(KJ2000B)

I Corinthians 7
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
(KJ2000B)

Romans 7
7 Or do you not know, brethren (for I speak to those who know the law), that the law [a]has dominion over a man as long as he lives? 2 For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.
(NKJV)

Your question is not a question. The thread title is phrased as a question but your first post makes your position quite clear in a strong statement.

Why did you make the thread title a question if you really wanted to make a statement?

 

[MsMediator]

I would imagine women who 'stay on the market' longer have it tougher in some ways in finding a never-married guy, just statistically speaking. Men seem to have more options at marrying a younger woman. Women tend to prefer men around their own age or older to a greater extent than women do. A 40-year-old man who had his life together, was a leader, had accomplished stuff in his life has done things that might appeal to a younger women. Women probably don't get as much credit or esteem for that stuff from men looking for wives. There is also looks and fertility issues. Men tend to value youthful looks in a woman and men tend to remain fertile in their 40's and 50's.

But as they age single women who want to marry could put herself in scenarios where she is around widowers who were faithful on their first marriage, if they can figure out how to find them.

It is a dilemma. Even when I was younger, I was not interested in men much older than me (maybe a max of 5 years old or so), and neither were my friends. I personally do not know anyone around my age group who married a much older guy (meanwhile my grandma was around 20, and she married my grandpa who was in his early 40s). The issue now that middle-class men want the youth/beauty of a younger woman, but also want the financial stability/career track of an older woman. Of course, if a man is wealthy, he doesn't care about money. For example, I have a guy friend who wants to marry an educated woman like a doctor, but also worried she is getting older. If men just wanted youth/beauty, they have plenty of options.

 

[presidente]

Your question is not a question. The thread title is phrased as a question but your first post makes your position quite clear in a strong statement.

Why did you make the thread title a question if you really wanted to make a statement?

If I made my position clear in the OP, it comes from quoting scripture from the Bible. And that's okay.

The underlying issue may be, 'Do you care what Jesus taught? Do you care what the Bible teaches?'

I see a lot of divorce and remarriage going on. Some pastors, preachers, etc. seem to avoid the topic. Church people may imitate what they see other church people doing.

 

[Lynx]

If I made my position clear in the OP, it comes from quoting scripture from the Bible. And that's okay.

The underlying issue may be, 'Do you care what Jesus taught? Do you care what the Bible teaches?'

I see a lot of divorce and remarriage going on. Some pastors, preachers, etc. seem to avoid the topic. Church people may imitate what they see other church people doing.

Your position is your position. I have no issue with your position.

I have an issue with the thread title. It seems deliberately misleading, like you're trying to give the impression you want to RECEIVE information on a topic. Then when a person reads the thread, he finds you are really wanting to GIVE information, your position.

In internet terms, you are using clickbait.

 

[seoulsearch]

If I made my position clear in the OP, it comes from quoting scripture from the Bible. And that's okay.

The underlying issue may be, 'Do you care what Jesus taught? Do you care what the Bible teaches?'

I see a lot of divorce and remarriage going on. Some pastors, preachers, etc. seem to avoid the topic. Church people may imitate what they see other church people doing.

This is an interesting characteristic of the church though.

The married people are often very vocal about what they see as the single people's sins and how they should be curbing them.

And I'm certainly not saying it shouldn't be talked about and corrected.

However I have often seen married people in churches much more worried about what they perceive as the wrongs of singles rather than the issues in the own marriages, especially when they haven't gone through separation, divorce, becoming a widow/er, and facing the issues of dating and remarriage themselves.

What if single people started pointing out what married people are doing wrong just as much as marrieds try to catherd the singles?

It can't all be in one direction.

One of the most unpleasant things I've often experienced in churches is when there is an atmosphere of The Righteous Marrieds Who Have Taken On The Responsibility of Keeping Those Sinful Singles In Line.

For instance, what if I started a thread that said something like, "Marrieds, What Are You Doing to Get the Porn Out of Your Marriage?" and then gave a page long list of verses about sexual immorality and the marriage bed staying sacred?

 

[seoulsearch]

Would you date or marry someone who had been divorced? If so, under what conditions?

Would you date someone who was separated from their spouse? If so, under what conditions?

Some scripture for discussion and consideration.

Mark 10:11-12
11 And he said unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, commits adultery against her.
12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she commits adultery.
(KJ2000B)

Matthew 19:9
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her who is put away does commit adultery.
(KJ2000B)

I Corinthians 7
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
(KJ2000B)

Romans 7
7 Or do you not know, brethren (for I speak to those who know the law), that the law [a]has dominion over a man as long as he lives? 2 For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.
(NKJV)

If I made my position clear in the OP, it comes from quoting scripture from the Bible. And that's okay. The underlying issue may be, 'Do you care what Jesus taught? Do you care what the Bible teaches?'
I see a lot of divorce and remarriage going on. Some pastors, preachers, etc. seem to avoid the topic. Church people may imitate what they see other church people doing.

The problem is that your opening post along with this explanation, doesn't come across as an invitation to a discussion.

The entire opening post feels more like a sermon that would be howled out by a Southern Fire and Brimstone Preacher: "I see what all you sinful, lower life singles are doing! I know you don't really care about God or His ways! Here, let me show you everything I just know you're doing wrong! Thankfully, God has sent me, The Married Person Who Follows God in All His Ways, here to correct you and bring you back into the fold, lest you perish. Praise God!"

And this makes it sound like you have already assumed, judged, and declared his entire audience guilty, so why would there be a need for a discussion?

 

[presidente]

Your position is your position. I have no issue with your position.

I have an issue with the thread title. It seems deliberately misleading, like you're trying to give the impression you want to RECEIVE information on a topic. Then when a person reads the thread, he finds you are really wanting to GIVE information, your position.

In internet terms, you are using clickbait.

Honestly, I don't care if you perceive it that way. Consider it a rhetorical question if you may. I'm used to discsussion on the Bible forum. I didn't know this forum was a bit more Bible-discussion averse.

I am curious as to the answers to the question, but I would like readers to consider what Jesus and other scripture says on the issue while thinking through the issue. I think that is fair for a ___Christian___ site.

 

[MsMediator]

I would imagine women who 'stay on the market' longer have it tougher in some ways in finding a never-married guy, just statistically speaking. Men seem to have more options at marrying a younger woman. Women tend to prefer men around their own age or older to a greater extent than women do. A 40-year-old man who had his life together, was a leader, had accomplished stuff in his life has done things that might appeal to a younger women. Women probably don't get as much credit or esteem for that stuff from men looking for wives. There is also looks and fertility issues. Men tend to value youthful looks in a woman and men tend to remain fertile in their 40's and 50's.

But as they age single women who want to marry could put herself in scenarios where she is around widowers who were faithful on their first marriage, if they can figure out how to find them.

Nowadays financial well-being of a guy is not as great a factor as in the old days. Since a woman now can be as accomplished as a man, an accomplished 40 plus-year old guy was much more of a catch a long time ago compared to now. Now, women just want a guy who can at least pull his own weight financially (employed, has a job, likes his job, wants to become better/advance in his job) and do not necessarily expect him to support a whole family.

 

[presidente]

The problem is that your opening post along with this explanation, doesn't come across as an invitation to a discussion.

The entire opening post feels more like a sermon that would be howled out by a Southern Fire and Brimstone Preacher: "I see what all you sinful, lower life singles are doing! I know you don't really care about God or His ways! Here, let me show you everything I just know you're doing wrong! Thankfully, God has sent me, The Married Person Who Follows God in All His Ways, here to correct you and bring you back into the fold, lest you perish. Praise God!"

And this makes it sound like you have already assumed, judged, and declared his entire audience guilty, so why would there be a need for a discussion?

Hmmm. That doesn't make much sense. This is the 'singles' forum, not the divorce and remarried forum. I know the audience is mixed as far as marital background. I think you are way too sensitive, looking for someone to put blanket condemnations on singles. If you consider what I wrote a microagression, I consider your response, above, to be one, too. Grow a thicker skin, seriously. Don't look for reasons to be offended when there is none. I would imagine most of the forum hasn't married. Thinking through this issue and discussing thoughts on it before getting married (for those who eventually do so) may be helpful.

 

[presidente]

Nowadays financial well-being of a guy is not as great a factor as in the old days. Since a woman now can be as accomplished as a man, an accomplished 40 plus-year old guy was much more of a catch a long time ago compared to now. Now, women just want a guy who can at least pull his own weight financially (employed, has a job, likes his job, wants to become better/advance in his job) and do not necessarily expect him to support a whole family.

I still think it may be biologically hardwired for women, at least some of them, to be attracted to a man who is a leader of other men, has it together, has accomplished stuff or has the ability to do so. Maybe it's largely nurture rather than nature. Some women go for 'bad boy' characteristics. Different aspects of 'masculinity' appeal to women differently.

The financial part of the incentives may have decreased. But a woman may want to take some years away from her career to raise children.

There was some research that indicated that young women were attracted to competent men who were accomplished in their fields, whether this was in a lower paying non-proft sector or a higher paying sector of the economy.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hmmm. That doesn't make much sense. This is the 'singles' forum, not the divorce and remarried forum. I know the audience is mixed as far as marital background. I think you are way too sensitive, looking for someone to put blanket condemnations on singles. If you consider what I wrote a microagression, I consider your response, above, to be one, too. Grow a thicker skin, seriously. Don't look for reasons to be offended when there is none. I would imagine most of the forum hasn't married. Thinking through this issue and discussing thoughts on it before getting married (for those who eventually do so) may be helpful.

Oh believe me, I've been here 14 years and I have rhinoceros skin by now -- if you could look over all the threads I've written in the past, you'd see how I got it.

You state that this is the "singles" forum and not the "divorced and remarried forum," but a good number of the regulars here have actually been engaged or married before, are divorced, separated, or were widowed/abandoned.

It just seems that as a married person who wants to post regularly in Singles (which is fine,) you would want to learn more about the demographics of your audience.

 

[Lynx]

Honestly, I don't care if you perceive it that way. Consider it a rhetorical question if you may. I'm used to discsussion on the Bible forum. I didn't know this forum was a bit more Bible-discussion averse.

I am curious as to the answers to the question, but I would like readers to consider what Jesus and other scripture says on the issue while thinking through the issue. I think that is fair for a ___Christian___ site.

It's disingenuous.

It reminds me of a coworker who loved to argue about stuff. Sometimes he would start his argument with "What do you think about (this topic)" like he was wanting someone's opinion, but he was really just making another opportunity to preach (loudly) his own viewpoint.

This topic is fine. What you think of this topic is fine.

Phrasing the thread title as a question is just plain wrong. It's misleading and disingenuous.

 

[Lynx]

Hmmm. That doesn't make much sense. This is the 'singles' forum, not the divorce and remarried forum. I know the audience is mixed as far as marital background. I think you are way too sensitive, looking for someone to put blanket condemnations on singles. If you consider what I wrote a microagression, I consider your response, above, to be one, too. Grow a thicker skin, seriously. Don't look for reasons to be offended when there is none. I would imagine most of the forum hasn't married. Thinking through this issue and discussing thoughts on it before getting married (for those who eventually do so) may be helpful.

Telling seoulsearch, of all people, to grow a thicker skin?

So... Have you ever read a seoulsearch thread? Like, ever? I'm guessing not.