When an 80-Year-Old Man Dies and Leaves Behind His 60-Year-Old Wife, Who Will Take Care of Her?

[Gojira]

that's about what i said the 1st time i thought about dying when i was a teen. i remember saying simply, " i don't want to get old, 60 something is good enough for me"! i'm over 60 now. but i'm doing well in the physical health area. i've got the body of a fit 20 year old but a 60 something face! it's phunnneee! in 1 day, i can still do a full days landscape work & have a full drum practice.

Whatever yer doin', keep doin it.

 

[SomeDisciple]

I only knew the Asian stereotypes perpetuated in my small white town.

Ah; that makes sense. Traditional rural-folk. I don't see too many 60 year old guys marrying 25 year old women either- so I was surprised to see you say that! There was a 60 year old guy in this "church" I used to go to- his wife was 40, and people kinda frowned on that behind his back, which was dumb. He was physically fit; too- he'll probably outlive his whole generation.

 

[seoulsearch]

Well... isn't this where life insurance comes in, as well as his will? I am unattached, but if I weren't, I'd have my wife as my principle life insurance recipient, and she'd get a good chunk of my other investments as well.

As for the person who called you a bitter old hag for asking questions about couples' age differences, that doesn't sound like a particularly Godly response. Unnecessarily crude, actually.

Gojira,

This is the blue ribbon answer I've been hoping to see in all these discussions over the years, but I can't recall any of the guys saying they wanted younger wives bringing it up (I might have missed it after all the times it's been discussed, but I know your answer popped right out at me.)

And we all know what's going to be said next, "Ah ha!!! It's true!! Younger women really are all gold diggers!"

Like any group, some, sure, but not all. And it's just a fact of life that caring for someone takes money. The answer I've been looking for when guys (or gals) say they want someone younger is the acknowledgement that they will most likely die first, leaving their younger companion several years (or decades) left on this earth. And it would be nice to see that they've also thought out what their responsibility might be in giving that person a foundation to start over once they're gone, rather than just, "Terrific! This young person can cook and clean for me and change my diapers... but what becomes of them after I'm dead is their own problem."

I can freely admit to being biased in this way of thinking (planning ahead of how to care for the other person) because it's what I always saw. I grew up with a working dad and stay-at-home mom, with only a 2-year age difference. But my Dad had a very stressful job, and his biggest fear was keeling over from a heart attack while leaving my mom drowning in medical debt and raising a young family alone. They started out with nothing but it was important to my Dad to gradually accumulate policies that would help ensure we wouldn't be homeless if something happened to him.

And this is the kind of thinking I look for in others while trying to reinforce for myself. I know if I married someone younger, I'd need to have a plan in place for him when I'm gone. And when we have the regular rounds in Singles about some wanting traditional wives who stay at home, my first question is always, "How are she and the kids going to make it if something happens to you?" I can't recall anyone ever answering with a plan of how to take care of their family in those discussions, either.

But it was always at the forefront of my Dad's mind.

I do realize that most people don't want to think about getting older, losing their bodiliy functions, and dying, and that maybe my own standards in this area are too high. After all, my parents are wonderful but certainly aren't perfect, and like any family, we have our own issues.

But one thing they did and continue to model very clearly is that you are responsible for taking care of your spouse, and it doesn't necessarily end the minute the first person dies.

I know the vows are "'Til death do us part," but I also believe trying to plan ahead for such events and beyond is Godly stewardship.

And I am very drawn to others who think the same way.

 

[Lanolin]

In most every situation I encounter (churches, Christian dating sites, forums, etc.) it seems to be a given that older men, Christian or not, almost unanimously want a much-younger woman.

This post seems to tally up the vast majority of reasons:




Please note that I DON'T want this thread to be a debate over whether or not this is right or wrong.

Rather, I'd like to concentrate on something I never hear talked about in any of these discussions.

Let's say Bill, age 60, marries Susan, age 40 (Bill was really hoping for a 27-year-old, but hey, he supposes that Susan will do.) For simplicity's sake, let's just say the two had former marriages but no children, and have not had any children together.

The two have had various health issues, and both are struggling with cancer, but Bill's issues have grown much more severe. At age 70, he can no longer walk, and while both have tried to help each other, Susan has always been the primary caretaker. Bill has tried to help but for over 10 years, Susan has done everything, because Bill lost the ability to do anything for himself -- including using the restroom.

Susan, still fighting cancer and losing mobility herself, is now left a widow at 60 years old.

* Should Susan be looking after a younger man to take care of her? Obviously, men her age won't be looking to marry her.

* Who would God say is now responsible for her care? Or is it simply, "Tough luck Susan, you've worn out your usefulness as a younger woman who could take care of an older man... Time to fend for yourself. You'll be fine. After all, it's the church's responsibility to look after old hags like you."

* When Adam and Eve were created, and especially when they fell into sin, Eve was now seen as the "weaker, fairer" sex to be looked after in a marriage. When does that change and the woman's usefulness should actually be to care for and look after a much-older man?

* If God looked at Adam and said, "It's not good for the man to be alone," would He then turn around and say, "It's perfeclty fine that Susan is alone now -- surely she can look after herself."


I understand that if men want younger women, that's just what's going to happen -- I can accept that part. I've brought this subject up in the past and I am always accused of being a bitter old had who can't accept reality and couldn't get a date to save her life.

My own reality is that when I last visited CC friends in 2022, their relatives thought I was around 30, and to my shock, it's often guys who are 15 years younger than my biological age who ask me out, but so far I haven't felt that's where God was leading me. But through these experiences, I can understand the appeal of having someone younger to "look after you."

But for some reason stories like Susan's plague my heart. I feel an increasing draw towards people who have been "left behind" by a spouse who has been called home, and there are usually man more women in this situation than men (at least in my personal surroundings.)

Several have been abandoned by family and friends and truly have no one.

If the men are out looking for daughter-age brides to be their saviors...

What is to become of the women of the women who are looked over, or left behind?

thats an interesting question Seoul

Initial thoughts are they must have had children who would be old enough to look after them (as thats what adult children are meant to do) but I hadn't thought of scenario where they don't have children.

I've worked in retirement villages so generally widows go there, selling up their homes and downsizing to be around other widows. They then support each other while being looked after by the village or body corporates, and they can have all housekeeping done for them if they choose to pay for that.

Thats what one of my aunties did when her husband got ill, and then died, they both moved to retirement village. My other aunt was widowed young and didn't remarry, but then she had two sons and they grew up and looked after her. Her husband was kind of well off, had his own business which all went to her so she had enough to live on plus in my country you do get a widows benefit or income of some kind. Plus she worked as well, part time I think.

there are certain cut off dates that the retirement villages must have and generally if the husband retires the wife follows even if she hasn't reached retirement age. But that's when 20 year age difference is something that couple needs to sort out.

I know of once couple that had that problem - he 20+ years older, needs to retire while she, young and in her 40s? 50s? still has a lot of work ahead of her to do (which she LIKES) and they have didn't children together but he did have a daughter with a previous wife.

But generally if she's in good health if her husband dies she'll be able to get along by herself a good many women do that its just those who were totally dependant and don't have much of a clue or never really worked to earn a living after they married who probably need some kind of assistance, though they may only find prayer in church and not much practical help.

Or if they have a big house, they may keep boarders.

 

[Gojira]

Gojira,

This is the blue ribbon answer I've been hoping to see in all these discussions over the years, but I can't recall any of the guys saying they wanted younger wives bringing it up (I might have missed it after all the times it's been discussed, but I know your answer popped right out at me.)

And we all know what's going to be said next, "Ah ha!!! It's true!! Younger women really are all gold diggers!"

Like any group, some, sure, but not all. And it's just a fact of life that caring for someone takes money. The answer I've been looking for when guys (or gals) say they want someone younger is the acknowledgement that they will most likely die first, leaving their younger companion several years (or decades) left on this earth. And it would be nice to see that they've also thought out what their responsibility might be in giving that person a foundation to start over once they're gone, rather than just, "Terrific! This young person can cook and clean for me and change my diapers... but what becomes of them after I'm dead is their own problem."

I can freely admit to being biased in this way of thinking (planning ahead of how to care for the other person) because it's what I always saw. I grew up with a working dad and stay-at-home mom, with only a 2-year age difference. But my Dad had a very stressful job, and his biggest fear was keeling over from a heart attack while leaving my mom drowning in medical debt and raising a young family alone. They started out with nothing but it was important to my Dad to gradually accumulate policies that would help ensure we wouldn't be homeless if something happened to him.

And this is the kind of thinking I look for in others while trying to reinforce for myself. I know if I married someone younger, I'd need to have a plan in place for him when I'm gone. And when we have the regular rounds in Singles about some wanting traditional wives who stay at home, my first question is always, "How are she and the kids going to make it if something happens to you?" I can't recall anyone ever answering with a plan of how to take care of their family in those discussions, either.

But it was always at the forefront of my Dad's mind.

I do realize that most people don't want to think about getting older, losing their bodiliy functions, and dying, and that maybe my own standards in this area are too high. After all, my parents are wonderful but certainly aren't perfect, and like any family, we have our own issues.

But one thing they did and continue to model very clearly is that you are responsible for taking care of your spouse, and it doesn't necessarily end the minute the first person dies.

I know the vows are "'Til death do us part," but I also believe trying to plan ahead for such events and beyond is Godly stewardship.

And I am very drawn to others who think the same way.

Yeah... this had nothing to do with gold-digging. Being a widower, I know it's important to make sure the other person isn't dealing with crazy debt or bills while they're grieving on top of it all. Let that be one thing they won't have to worry about.

Don't be too drawn... remember I am millions of years older than you (talk about age differences), and about 400' taller... not to mention an entirely different species. Now, I am trans-human, but even my reptilian brain knows that that doesn't make me really human

 

[Lanolin]

In China there are huge numbers of 'leftover' women.
In NZ the problem we have is 'the brain drain' which generally means young brainy people left NZ to work overseas because the opportunities in NZ are pretty zilch. And this was when I was growing up..the only work that you might be guaranteed a good living from would be ?! (become an All Black rugby player??)

So what most people did was invest in property to rent out and become landlords. Real estate was where it was at.

The people who did that and own retirement villages are such billionaires that they aren't actually allowed to own any more! They literally make a killing from old people. I don't find that ethical but they can spin it as giving new homes to those who've worked all their lives even if they don't actually own them but just have a licence to occupy. So old people are spending the kids inheritance, At this point no children are inheriting anything...all we are inheriting a mess that baby boomers have left behind (and their debts)

 

[JohnDB]

In China there are huge numbers of 'leftover' women.
In NZ the problem we have is 'the brain drain' which generally means young brainy people left NZ to work overseas because the opportunities in NZ are pretty zilch. And this was when I was growing up..the only work that you might be guaranteed a good living from would be ?! (become an All Black rugby player??)

So what most people did was invest in property to rent out and become landlords. Real estate was where it was at.

The people who did that and own retirement villages are such billionaires that they aren't actually allowed to own any more! They literally make a killing from old people. I don't find that ethical but they can spin it as giving new homes to those who've worked all their lives even if they don't actually own them but just have a licence to occupy. So old people are spending the kids inheritance, At this point no children are inheriting anything...all we are inheriting a mess that baby boomers have left behind (and their debts)

There are possibilities of economic growth...but for whatever reason NZ does not want to take advantage of them. Once upon a time they did with agricultural products (kiwifruit, lamb, and wool) but they have stopped pushing the products so much or improving their quality. Others are filling the demand for the same products.

There are other products and materials that they could take advantage of and utilize....but they aren't. To the point that they have lost their labor pool. So now it's an uphill battle for them to start getting any economic growth.

Good luck!

 

[Westward]

that's about what i said the 1st time i thought about dying when i was a teen. i remember saying simply, " i don't want to get old, 60 something is good enough for me"! i'm over 60 now. but i'm doing well in the physical health area. i've got the body of a fit 20 year old but a 60 something face! it's phunnneee! in 1 day, i can still do a full days landscape work & have a full drum practice.

Awesome keep going man!

 

[notmyown]

bitter old hag

you called, and here i am.

 

[Gojira]

you called, and here i am.

Excellent.

 

[MsMediator]

I have neighbors who are elderly women who met at a luncheon in their 60s or so. They bought a house together. One outlived her husband and child. The other I don't think ever married or maybe she was divorced. Anyway, they bought a house together but the older lady recently moved to a retirement home in her late 80s or even early 90s, while the slightly younger lady still lives here and plans to live here as long as she can. These ladies had a regular housekeeper, as well as a reliable handyman. The older lady still has a room in the house and visits occasionally (I guess she still owns part of it). The older lady has extended family but they do not really visit her in the retirement home even though she moved near them. So, roommate option can be an option in retirement. However, now there are many elderly people dating that counting on them for long-term housing arrangements may need unreliable.

 

[Lanolin]

There are possibilities of economic growth...but for whatever reason NZ does not want to take advantage of them. Once upon a time they did with agricultural products (kiwifruit, lamb, and wool) but they have stopped pushing the products so much or improving their quality. Others are filling the demand for the same products.

There are other products and materials that they could take advantage of and utilize....but they aren't. To the point that they have lost their labor pool. So now it's an uphill battle for them to start getting any economic growth.

Good luck!

I'm not the one running the country I just live here.
Telling our politicians and getting them to act on anything is an exercise in futility. Education and tourism were bringing money in (and real estate) but of course that depends on foreign buyers. Besides, who wants to buy kiwifruit when if you live somewhere with the right climate you can grow it yourself instead of having it shipped halfway round the world. Lamb you can also keep, and only colder countries have any use for wool, most carpets etc are now synthetic. Besides refrigerated or frozen lamb doesn't taste that great.

Being a British colony only worked for as long as the Brits wanted extra farmland (and ruining our forests) since they ran out of theirs, and using our people to fight their stupid wars.

 

[Lanolin]

When I read about Jesus saying 'in my father's house are many mansions' I wonder...is he talking about giant apartment blocks so we all living like bees or maybe wasps in Heaven? Each of us has a cell...

We don't have to worry about home maintenance then....

And the other thing is, since we are going to be adopted and become sons and daughters of God - we don't need to pay any rent. Or anything. All bills are on our Father right? And there will be no electricity costs because there will be light all the time.

See I don't worry about these things. I think people should just, if they ever do worry, take things day by day. I know that's hard for people to understand, the people with 5, 10, 20 year plans. An earthquake can wipe those out in an instant. We don't have a saviour that says I can give you a comfortable middle class life on earth. A lot of people already have that and they aren't even happy.

 

[JohnDB]

I'm not the one running the country I just live here.
Telling our politicians and getting them to act on anything is an exercise in futility. Education and tourism were bringing money in (and real estate) but of course that depends on foreign buyers. Besides, who wants to buy kiwifruit when if you live somewhere with the right climate you can grow it yourself instead of having it shipped halfway round the world. Lamb you can also keep, and only colder countries have any use for wool, most carpets etc are now synthetic. Besides refrigerated or frozen lamb doesn't taste that great.

Being a British colony only worked for as long as the Brits wanted extra farmland (and ruining our forests) since they ran out of theirs, and using our people to fight their stupid wars.

I understand what you are saying....but these things are commodities. Always consumed and desired in the international market. Wool? It may not be cold in NZ but it is London and Michigan and Canada and a lot of places.
Kiwifruit is delicious. I personally can't eat California Kiwi....I can eat NZ kiwi which is a different variety without any trouble.

Shipping is not that big of a thing as you make it out to be. From anywhere to anywhere in 10-14 days is the standard. Field to table in 10 days. Meaning a kiwifruit picked in NZ is on someone's table in the USA/Germany to eat in 10 days time.

The container price index just shot up but it's still reasonable. If you can fill a container full of goods it's affordable to sell that container load even after shipping it. 8foot x 8 foot × 20 foot is a fairly standard shipping container. Where agricultural products (like coffee, sugar, rice) fill leftover space and pay discounted rates things like wool socks and sweaters or bolts of wool cloth pay the larger amount for the container. (Called LTL shipping)

Just saying...it's not as difficult as you are making it out to be for a nation to be industrious, make jobs by selling goods on the open market. People always gotta eat and despite the young people on TicTok people usually wear clothes other than polyester yoga pants.

 

[Lanolin]

I understand what you are saying....but these things are commodities. Always consumed and desired in the international market. Wool? It may not be cold in NZ but it is London and Michigan and Canada and a lot of places.
Kiwifruit is delicious. I personally can't eat California Kiwi....I can eat NZ kiwi which is a different variety without any trouble.

Shipping is not that big of a thing as you make it out to be. From anywhere to anywhere in 10-14 days is the standard. Field to table in 10 days. Meaning a kiwifruit picked in NZ is on someone's table in the USA/Germany to eat in 10 days time.

The container price index just shot up but it's still reasonable. If you can fill a container full of goods it's affordable to sell that container load even after shipping it. 8foot x 8 foot × 20 foot is a fairly standard shipping container. Where agricultural products (like coffee, sugar, rice) fill leftover space and pay discounted rates things like wool socks and sweaters or bolts of wool cloth pay the larger amount for the container. (Called LTL shipping)

Just saying...it's not as difficult as you are making it out to be for a nation to be industrious, make jobs by selling goods on the open market. People always gotta eat and despite the young people on TicTok people usually wear clothes other than polyester yoga pants.

I dont really care sorry.

I am not sold out to mammon enough to want to be a business person. We already do trade deals with China and they not interested in buying nz souvenirs when they are self sufficient in food, while we starve and give our best exports away.

 

[Lanolin]

Nz has a meth problem which came in from the US. Each time I see a shipping container I think oh no more junk from overseas! Anyway

Good thing is, we can now grow our own bananas.

Anyway going back to topic, if a husband really loves his wife, he will provide for her after he goes. He makes a will and includes her in it...isnt this standard practice if you are married? Even divorcees have some kind of settlement so that no one is left destitute right?

Jesus did make a will - and christians are living it now. He provides us with the helper, and we remember him everytime we eat and drink.

 

[Noel25]

I'm adopted and grew up around white guys.

It's funny because they certainly weren't attracted to me then unless they were about 40-80+ years old.

I grew up in all white culture, not Asian, so I only knew the Asian stereotypes perpetuated in my small white town. There were maybe 3 other Asians, all adopted, and all around my age. A lot of people there hadn't even met any other Asians.

Growing up, moving away -- and discovering all the other Asian stereotypes -- has been quite a culture shock, but I'm learning as I go.

I'm hispanic as you already know Seoul, and I thought it was funny that you said white guys who are 40-80 were the only ones interested in you. I have had that same experience! In my first job (I was 17) and there were many white men in their 40s (who were married with kids) who tried flirting with me. It was super uncomfortable. Now that I'm in my 30s that has died down a bit. But it does still happen except the men are now in their 50-80s.

 

[Lanolin]

The whole white guy thing is weird. You know if they attracted to you, it's because you aren't white, and therefore they seem to expect different things of you that they won't have from another white woman. It always seemed to me, they treat you as inferior, like some kind of chattel or a prostitute.

I had this experience IN CHURCH.
Which is why I didn't go back there. If there's predators hitting on me in church, I'm not staying.

 

[Talljake]

The whole white guy thing is weird. You know if they attracted to you, it's because you aren't white, and therefore they seem to expect different things of you that they won't have from another white woman. It always seemed to me, they treat you as inferior, like some kind of chattel or a prostitute.

I had this experience IN CHURCH.
Which is why I didn't go back there. If there's predators hitting on me in church, I'm not staying.

I agree with you. I am a 35yo white fellah. I have dated all white women except a black woman. And this may be strange may not be, but there is something about a women of a different ethnicity that I personally am drawn to. I'm not talking in a sexual way, I'm talking as a person. Like accents or food they make things like that. It's all different to what I was around my whole life. I would be most thankful for a women that the lord chooses above all, a woman who loves the lord, with a kind heart and that is caring. Yet for some reason there is still a part of me that is attracted to........ Different. It is weird when someone is obsessed about it sexually or not, and they make it a priority above all. That goes for same race and not. It's strange in general. If for the right reasons, I don't think it's strange to be attracted to someone of a different ethnicity. But it is most important that both have a love for the lord..... No if ands or buts about it.

I am sorry for the troubles and problems you have gone through, not all white men are like the men you have described. I pray the lord shines his light on them and changes their hearts and their minds from the wickedness that is planted within.
God bless

 

[Lanolin]

You dont have to apologise for living your life...

I just dont understand why many white guys think anything not white is exotic and constantly go on and on about it like they feel they absolutely have to conquer and colonise the entire world (not just women)
How would they like it if I constantly made them feel like the OTHER alien like some kind of specimen on display I wanted to keep in a museum?

anyway, thats hard to be around all the time.

I dunno about the 80 year old husband and 60 year old wife, sometimes it actually turns out the opposite, the 60 year old wife dies before the 80 year old. Randy 80 year olds were actually problems in retirements villages where they, being top rooster, would have his pick of the widows.

I also remember a widower who joined a writing group suddenly took his new, much younger girlfriend to the group and she got insanely jealous of anyone else who had contact with him as she thought that meant they were trying to steal him away. This girlfriend had this idea she owned him and as he was old he couldnt make any decisions for himself or do things to help others cos...he was old!

age gap couples are interesting in that the younger one has to constantly remind their children that their dad is getting old. The mum, still young, has to pander to him and restrict her life a lot because he just cant do the things she can do.